The Black Rusted Van Chronicles

Another Angry Racist Black Who Can Kiss My Ass

2012-02-01T22:49:00.003+01:00

This is another reason why I am reluctant to return to America.

Racists, specifically racist blacks.

Get Your Stupid Ass Out of Here and I'm Scared of Your Whiteness

What kind of shit head is this asshole? Not only does he give blacks everywhere a bad name, he gets paid to do so. He is making money to reinforce a stereotype not only against whites, but also against his own kind. He's poison. He's filth. He fuels further racism from whites and offends people's sense of decency everywhere. No wonder Black America is so much at odds with itself.

If I ever return to the US, I will go live in a location which is predominantly white or very well integrated. Dutch Pennsylvania for example, or a large city like Seattle. Someplace where fools like this are at a minimum. If he were that Don Imus guy, he would've been thrown off the air instantly, out of a job and black-listed for the rest of his life, however Black Americans seem to have a pass from the FCC and the public in general, whenever they go on a rant or make jokes about something.

Until scum like this are no longer given an outlet to voice their stupid racist opinions, I'll gladly stay put over here in Europe.

Out

2012-01-17T23:14:00.007+01:00

So, 1 Jan of this year marked my final departure from the military. I am now a free man!!! HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!!

Alot of shit happened there towards the end where I just no longer gave a damn, and really didn't want to focus too much of what was required of me in uniform. Of course, I complied with whatever the assholes above me required me to do, but past that, I wasn't going to give them anything more than I had to. At least I got the last laugh.

I can now safely say without a doubt that I am an expatriate, and that I fed up with alot of the shit our government is doing, primarily the way they are handling the federal deficit. If we would only legalize prostitution and marijuana the same way the Dutch have done, we would easily make up the difference for what the bullshit wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and our involvement in Libya have costed us. I'd rather fuck and get high than fight any day of the week!

Republicans and Democrats are just opposite sides of the same coin - they're both assholes and are both being controlled by the corporations and businesses that donate millions of dollars to push their agendas. Did you really think that any change was going to happen when Obama stepped into office? Moron. The only thing he did was push legislation to let the gays openly serve, which means they can now have open circle-jerks in the gym showers on base, and they won't get into any trouble for getting jizz in your eye. Plus, they don't have to make up any stories for getting the genital warts cut out of their ass when they see the doctor as well? Think I'm making this shit up? I worked in a hospital as a medical technician and a records clerk, and I've seen it all. The truth is no matter who gets elected into office next, we're all equally fucked.

And finally, I get to grow my hair out and get sleeve tattoos if I so desire. I'm currently working on the hair, but I need to decide what kind of tatts I want to get, and whether or not I will go ahead with them. Getting paid $50 - 60k a year would go down the toilet in a heartbeat if I go to a job interview looking like Rob Zombie. You can call me a sell-out and that's fine, but being broke and 20 is kinda cool and to a certain extent expected, however being broke and 40 is not. Right now I'm chilling out like Kevin Spacey did in that film American Beauty, where I'm working a job that has no responsibility, and allows me to wear my KMFDM t-shirts to work all day. I just need to find a 20-something hottie to start banging and I'm in like Flynn. I heard that Mena Suvari just got divorced.....

Heh.

Writing a Book

2011-06-29T18:04:00.007+02:00

What do Tucker Max, The Bunny, and myself all have in common? Well, that is besides being a narcissistic asshole, a pre-medicated nut-job, and someone whose view of reality is seriously lacking?

Answer: All 3 of us have written books or are about to (in my case).

I've decided that after being a government employee for the past 20+ years, it's time I write a personal account of everything that I've accomplished and have witnessed first hand. While it will serve more so as a form of cheap therapy for me, hopefully I can make a buck or two off it once it's finished, and it gets picked up for publication. The way I see, I'm not looking for Pulitzer Prize material, but if can support my video game habit, get me a drink or two, or get me laid, then two out of three ain't so bad.

Naturally it would include excerpts from this blog, my meanderings on various forums of the internet, as well as real life experience. Every geeky, awkward, fucked-up, self-deprecating moment penned from my misanthropic memory will be turned into print, to include pictures and illustrations as necessary. Names will be changed to protect the guilty, and events will be embellished if it helps the story move along. Ultimately it may become inaccurate at worst, but it will prove to be entertaining at best.

So, I'll get to working on it here in a little bit, once I figure out how I want to present it all. I just need to first get drunk, bang a bunch of broads, overdose on Prozac and then I can brag to the world how much of an asshole I really am.

Heh.

Finger it Out

2010-07-27T21:15:00.006+02:00

The Israelites were caught worshipping a golden calf....when they should've been worshipping the gold finger instead....since after all, he who has the gold makes the rules!

The perfect birtday gift if I do say so myself, courtesy Ramstein Yard Sales

Heh.

I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me

2010-06-24T19:41:00.002+02:00

Nice.

Lies

2010-05-20T21:54:00.004+02:00

Ich brenne.

5 Years Time

2010-03-04T18:35:00.005+01:00

Well this blog is officially 5 years old as of this month. Wow. Little did I realize that something I started just as a minor hobby has been a concurrent part of my life - for better or for worse. I can't say that much has changed in the 5 years I've kept this journal, aside from the fact it had to go into remission when Uncle Sam started cracking down on people within the DoD keeping blogs - now it doesn't really seem to matter. So long as I'm not giving away any trade secrets, I can talk about having a gang-bang bukkake with the midget amputee who lives down the street while her nympho college-aged daughter is giving me a reach-around, and it's all good. Rock.

One thing I find myself returning back to is alcohol. Wine, beer, Jack Daniels, vodka, Jaegermeister. It's all good. It takes the edge off after a day of having to deal with fuck-wits and assholes, and the beauty in it all is that it's a quick and cheap thrill. I don't get shit-faced - just enough to take the edge off and sleep well. Perhaps working 7 days a week is starting to get to me after all. There was a time in my life when I prided myself for being sober however now that I'm a year shy of 40 perhaps I need to rethink my priorities. Have more fun.

And goddammit, 2010 is starting to feel alot like 2008 in my life - an over all shitty year if you've read up on my past entries. I don't need a repeat of that year however if this trend of bad luck continues then perhaps I will need to parlay with the Man Downstairs, as much as I'd rather not. Still when the going gets tough, I'm willing to negotiate for the right price.

Heh.

Autobahn Adventures

2010-02-07T10:12:00.006+01:00

I spend alot of time on the road in Germany. Since I work two jobs, I am commuting between Rheinland-Pfalz and Nordrhein-Westfalen every weekend. The drive takes me through Belgium and through Saarland and on average it's a 3 1/2 hour trip each way. I've driven the same route so often I can practically navigate it while playing Game Boy if wanted to, and still not get lost, it's become that second-nature to me.

One thing that Germany has is alot of rest-stops. Usually truckers congregate their either to polish off a bottle of vodka or to engage in gay sex. While I'm not homophobic, I would have never thought that Europe's largest gay scene is right in front of your eyes, and at a 'family' place at that as well. Usually people are walking their dogs, or letting their kids run around and play while no more than 100 yards away, some greasy Polack is taking it up the ass from freaky Dutch dude in the bushes.

I happened to have stopped Friday night at a rest stop to take a whiz. I stopped my little Opel in front of the bathrooms and was in and out in no more than 3 minutes. In that time frame my car decides to throw a shit fit and and not start. At first I thought it was the battery so I asked a woman in German for a jump. She was in her early 40s and mildly attractive. I thought to myself hey, if she gives me a jump then I can turn around and return the favor, no? She pulls her car around and it's this freaky-looking Citroen with all sortsa shit stock-piled in the back. "Bleibst du hier. Ich habe drei katze in mein auto" she said and no sooner than she had opened the driver door than this awful smell of cat piss and shit come flying out of her car. "Holy fuck" I thought to myself - she's a crazy cat cat lady! I knew they had them in America but also in Germany? No way! I wonder which of her pussies smell the worst? She popped the hood of her car and we tried giving it a jump but nothing worked. I wasn't about to try to get her panties down since who knows what else she had going on wrong with her, but as I thanked her for her assistance, she finished asking me whether or not I was American. "Ja, ich bin Amerikaner" and left it at that.

So, being stuck at a German rest-stop I did what any normal person would do - I called ADAC. ADAC is the European version of AAA and it's worth every Euro cent. Granted you have to be patient with them and if you have a low cell phone charge you're fucked because they rarely ever pick up on the first time you call, and even if you make it through, it takes them about an hour to reach your location once a scout as been dispatched. One thing you have to understand about Europe is that their roads are made to get you to where you're going and if you take a wrong turn or need to get to the opposite side of the road, their infrastructure is very unforgiving.

While I'm waiting for the ADAC guy to arrive, I see two vehicles pull up about 20 yards away from me. From what it looked like, the front car was towing this other car behind it and the car in tow had its front end smashed horribly the fuck up. People get out of both vehicles and they start talking about what the fuck had happened to the vehicle and how they were going to get it down the road. They were lucky to have made it this far but now their luck had run out, so they were going to ditch it and come back for it later. Glad to see I'm not the only one out tonight with shitty luck on the autobahn.

The help I requested finally arrived an hour and a half later and the guy starts to check everything wrong with it. He's pretty much a mechanic on the spot. After pulling all sorts shit apart, we finally discover it's the fuel pump that's acting up. He some how does his magic and gets the car started, only he tells me once my vehicle stops and the engine is turned off I'm pretty much fucked, so drive it smartly. I decide to turn around and make it back to my house, and by the time I make it back I'm sitting on a cunt-hair amount of fuel. During the trip I dropped my speed down to 80 kmh to conserve energy and every damn Belgian asshole and their brother decide to honk and give me the finger since I'm going so slow, as they pass me in the right lane. Fuck 'em I say. Their country sucks and their women look semi-retarded.

Once this shitty winter is over and the weather starts getting better again, I will probably see alot more interesting things while driving on the road. Europeans for the most part have little in the way of disposable income, so they like to go camping, hiking, and all that other crazy shit the tree-huggers in the States model themselves after. I just need to invest in a video camera for thost most awkward moments when you least expect.

Heh.

Angry Black History Month

2010-02-01T18:07:00.008+01:00

Well, what can I say?

I work with an angry black racist. He's quite an anomaly considering he was born in London, is of Jamaican descent but will cling to angry American rhetoric about how 'his people' have been wronged by 'Whitey' the first opportunity he gets. I patiently listen as he goes into his diatribes about how fucked up White America is, yet at the same time, he has benefitted from them the most - he grew up without a father and it was the church in the white community he grew up in which helped guide him from a very young age and provided for him and his mother both when nobody else would. Everything from food, money and clothing to an actual college scholarship was done for this guy and he still thinks that he's been wronged.

It's funny because he watches shit like "The Notebook" and those gay Renaissance films like "Reformation" but still puts on this hard-core New York hip-hop thug aggressive act like he's bangin' with the best of them. I laugh considering as much as he's disgusted with white culture, he sure as shit can't seem to stay away from it, and suspect that when nobody is looking, he secretly enjoys white music as well. I've played the Lightning Seeds for him and he absolutely loved it.

So, in honor of Black History Month, here's a little song for him and everyone else out there who harbors some kind of resentment against the people who brought you the light bulb, the computer, the automobile, and put the first black US President in office ever.

Type O Negative - Kill All the White People

Heh.

2010

2010-01-24T20:57:00.004+01:00

So, another new year, another new decade.

Honestly I wasn't impressed with the Y2k's as I will call them (2000-2009) so I won't get my hopes up for this new decade either. Seems like mid-2004 to present just turned into one giant shit-storm that quickly spiraled downward for me and if you really want to read the less-interesting parts about it, just e-mail me and I will reply with details which will insult your intelligence. Be forewarned.

But anyways not too much has been going on since my last entry. Just working two separate jobs to pay the bills and not getting laid. That's about the gist of it. I will say that working with angry black racists reminds me why I left America in the first place to begin with...it just seems that now America is importing its Anti-Caucasian sentiments around the globe to places that even I would not expect for it to reach.

So my goal for this year is to find a girl and settle down. I figure 12 calendar months is more than enough time to really meet someone and make it work. I figure if not then starting next year I will start auditioning for amature porn. The Germans are always looking for extras, and from what I've seen their standards aren't as high as US standards are when it comes to filming gang-bangs and cum-shot scenes. So long as it's not gay porn or anything disgusting then I'm cool with it.

And Hookah Bars are all the shit in Germany. I went to one last night for the first time and had some Double-Apple flavored tobacco. It was the shit. It was somewhat spiritually healing and an awesome rush both at the same time. I think I'll invest in one for home use in the days and weeks to come. As much as I'm still pissed at the Turks for fucking my shit up when they moved me over the summer, perhaps with some special blends I might overlook the fuck-up on their part.

Heh.

El Superbeasto

2009-09-27T21:27:00.009+02:00

Heh.

Throw in equal parts bad Groovy Ghoulies out-takes, rejected School House Rock Saturday morning cartoon songs, strippers, titties, zombie Nazis and more faux-Ebonics than you can shake an afro pick at and you have The Haunted World of El Superbeasto.

Lotsa cartoon titties.

Lotsa cartoon titties at that.

Rob Zombie does it once again.

I need to watch this next time when I'm drunk.

Heh.

Still Alive

2009-09-20T16:49:00.004+02:00

I saw that damn cat that I ran over the other week.

The goddamned thing was just walking around like nothing happened. Bastard.

And there was another steaming cat turd pile on my front doorstep yesterday morning.

The fucker.

So all you goddamned animal rights activists can go fuck yourselves if you think that pets are undeserving of punishment when they do something wrong. Like the youth of our nation, they get away with far more than your pussy bleeding hearts will ever realize.

And speaking of pussy, I need to go fuck some of the two legged kind. Celibacy makes the Machine one mean motherfucker, on top of everything else going on.

Any sluts out there wanna take one for the team?

Heh.

Nein Nein Nein

2009-09-09T17:36:00.004+02:00

So Happy September 9, 2009 all you loyal readers (aka Brookie) out there. My lame joke for the day is that if you say "Nine Nine Nine" it sounds like "Nein Nein Nein" in German which means "No No No". Stupid, but I made two bitches laugh today, one of them possibly interested in me.

In order to celebrate, all the dudes out there should give their sluts a Dirty Sanchez and all the broads out there need to give their dudes a steak and a blow job. Or a Blumpkin if you're too damn cheap to take your dude out for dinner at Sizzler.

Heh.

Damn Cats

2009-09-07T18:00:00.005+02:00

Fucking what the hell is wrong with cats in Germany? Fucking Christ, I swear - twice now I've had some fuck-wit feline run out in front of my car as I'm trucking down the road doing anywhere between 70 - 100 kmh, like the fucking thing has a death wish or something. I felt bad about the first cat I ran over last year since I kinda had suspicion the thing would dart out in front of me at the last minute, but yesterday's episode just defies all explanation.

But....the way I see it, said kitty I mauled with my piece of German engineering yesterday was paying the price for his brethren - since I moved to my new house, there has been this gray and white cat that has been shitting on my front doorstep NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE BUT THREE TIMES GODDAMMIT. I wake up in the morning and step outside as I'm on my way to work and the fucking cat pile is there, freshly steaming with chunks of indescribable material comprising its stool. Mind you, I avoid most animals in the first place, so for said neighborhood cat to be shitting on my property like this is completely uncalled for - like getting sucker punched for minding my own business.

Anycase the cat yesterday ran off practically unscathed from under the carriage of my vehicle and has died of internal hemorraging for all I know. What I do know is that I'm going to start putting pseudo-Hello Kitty hash mark stickers on the side of my car the same way World War II pilots would create hash marks of the enemy planes that they downed. If anyone asks, I won't hesitate to explain what they are.

Damn cats.

Heh.

One letter can make all the difference

2009-08-16T01:29:00.009+02:00

The shit you see in Germany is just outta control.

It's been a crazy week for me, that's all I can say.

Show us your Titz

2009-08-08T22:36:00.005+02:00

No shit. I saw this sign today and I HAD to take the photograph.

Heh. I've been to Bitche France and now Titz Germany. What's next? Fucking Austria?

Heh. I'm so there.

Spotted in Germany

2009-07-31T17:18:00.009+02:00

Where has Butthead of Beavis and Butthead fame been all these years?

Why here in Germany of course!

It goes to show that Butthead knows how to get the bitches and Beavis will always be spanking the monkey.

Where is Beavis you may ask? Why MEXICO of course! Where he serves as the fluffer for "Pedro", the main star of the Tijuana Donkey Show, when he has to perform for a live audience of drunk frat boys visiting from Kenosha Wisconsin and sailors on liberty pass from nearby San Diego. Last word reported was that Beavis had a 'finger licking good' time with this new job that he never trade for his old job at Burger World.

So rock on Beavis, Rock on.

And rock on Butthead, rock on.

Du bist zu geile fur diese Welt.

The Niedersachsen Crop Circle Part 2

2009-07-25T15:50:00.012+02:00

Heh.

I decided yesterday to drive back up to Niedersachsen to see the two new crop circle formations that popped up. The drive up was practically fucking murder since the rainstorm from Hell decided to start pouring down as I was making my way through Hessen. My GPS took me through a back route and not the original route I took Monday, which proved to be equally frustrating since some stupid woman who couldn't drive for shit decided to do 50 km on the back roads and wouldn't allow anyone to pass her. I was stuck at some stupid traffic light because of her for 10 minutes which could've been completely avoided had she simply continued driving the split second the light went from green to yellow but instead slammed on the brakes and fucked things up for me and the dude behind her (and people wonder why it is that road rage happens all the time). What should've taken 3 1/2 hours ended up more like being 5 hours after all was said and done. And for that matter, DO NOT buy the Garmin Nuvi GPS - it is a total piece of shit and will have you taking turns where there are no roads and make you take the long way around an otherwise straight-shot on the autobahn. Fuck those assholes for making such a shitty product. But I digress.

Anycase, I drove first to see the crop circle in Wolbrechthausen since it was closer to the original crop circle in Baterode - and alot more elaborate. Needless to say, I make it there and the field had already been harvested by the farmer - any indications that a crop circle existed were now gone, since all there was left now was just a cut area. I looked around to make sure I wasn't looking in the wrong direction, but none of the other areas matched the photo from Crop Circle Connector.

So without wasting anytime, I headed over to the formation at Burg Plesse. I parked my car and these two dudes walking their dogs confirmed that the circle was indeed here, only it was inaccessible from the ground where we were currently at. They told me that I could get a great view from the tower at the castle, and gave me directions how to get from there. Ironically enough these two hot chicks were walking by when this happened but gave the three of us uneasy looks as they passed by. I wanted to ask them if they knew of the crop circle (and more importantly if either of them were open to the idea of having sex with a total stranger inside it), but they took off before I could get the chance to ask. Dammit.

I made my way up to the castle, but the tower had been closed off. My German is good enough to decipher most of what is written and said but the sign posted on the tower door said something about being closed for the rest of the summer for some reason I couldn't make out. Argh! What a fucking disappointment!

So I ended up making my way back down to the crop circle, and decided to take these photos:

Click to enlarge

As you can see from these 3 photos, the crop circle was indeed accessible, but only the farmer who owned the field didn't want anyone to tresspass and posted this sign:

Click to enlarge

It basically says that they don't go driving through your garden, so don't be obnoxious and go prancing around like some asshole through their field, and that any trespassers caught would be turned over to the Polizei. Any photos to be taken should be taken from the tower. Since I take great offense to people who don't do as they're kindly asked, I wasn't about to go into the formation myself and be that ugly douchebag American that we're notorious for behaving like when we're visiting abroad. With any luck the dudes walking their dogs were probably the family of the farmers just checking up on the thing for all I know.

I did get the impression that because this formation had been made recently, that its power was still active, unlike the one located at Barterode. Once again, I got the impression that this was made by spirits and not by UFOs possibly, taking into account stories of "Faerie Circles" or "Faerie Rings" from ancient Celtic mythology, it seems to make sense. I also got the impression that this was made as a means of cheer, and not a warning of impending doom or a divine message of sorts the way alot of people are interpreting the circles in England at the current moment.

I decided to drive around Goettingen for a while before heading home, getting stuck in 2 staus along the way. I don't know what it is about the A7 and the A4 but they really need to finish whatever work it is they're doing since they're really taking a long time and putting everyone in a foul mood. I arrived home exhausted and but slept like shit on account that my neighbor had a some machinery going for the new drive way he was installing first thing in the morning. Jeezus Fucking Christ you assholes.

And speaking of asses, when I did wake up, my ass was hurting once again, but not from something I ate like the other day. I didn't have to take a dump so what the hell could it be? I touched my hairy ass and felt that it was different so how...smooth in some places and still rough in the others. WTF? I ran to my bathroom and looked in the mirror AND THERE WAS A FUCKING CROP CIRCLE FORMATION ON MY ASS!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Ha ha - Just kidding!)

Crop Circle-Jerk

2009-07-22T16:44:00.007+02:00

Two more crop circles have appeared since writing yesterday's post

And I'm half-tempted to go see them!

Dammit....hotties.....who can contact to see if they want to go along with me? I haven't exactly been the ladies' man as of recent, but this is a gold mine just waiting to be taken advantage of. Better hit the bars.....

Or if push comes to shove I can just bring a copy of Seventeen Magazine and spank the monkey inside the center portion. Dutch porn wins over German porn any day of the week in my opinion.

Ugh. Getting laid in the pursuit of the unknown shouldn't be such hard work.

(Pun not intended)

The Niedersachsen Crop Circle

2009-07-21T18:15:00.021+02:00

My morning started yesterday rather painfully when I was woken up at 7 am. My ass was killing me too. Why? Why was it so painful? I'm not gay so any kind of raunchy butt sex is out of the question, and I didn't have any kind of hemorrhoids flaring up that I knew of.....no...I had to take a major dump as a result of eating a 12 inch pepperoni pizza all by myself and there was no way that Mother Nature was going to let me get in an extra hour of sleep. Goddammit.

I suppose that waking up an hour earlier than expected was good, considering I was going to drive 3 1/2 hours up to Northern Germany in the Niedersachsen region to see a crop circle. For years I've been fascinated by these things and wondered if they were truly an act of mysterious forces, or if indeed they were all a bunch of horse shit stories crafted by the media.

The place in question was just outside of Goettingen named Barterode - a town that when you drive through it is just as easily forgettable as the next country village you encounter, but click the link to see the crop circle in question that formed just outside its limits:

Crop Circle Connector - Barterode

I've always seen pictures of these in England and I've always wondered why they have so many in comparison to the rest of the world, and here was my chance to see one up close and in person.

Driving there and back wasn't a big deal, considering you can really haul ass on the Autobahn and make great time - 130 kilometers is just the right speed too if you ask me. All the way up I thought to what I might experience when I see this thing in person - some people report feeling nauseau or time distortion, while others have reported a feeling of calmness and serenity. Would I experience any of these feelings as well? People also have mentioned UFO activity around these things. Would I finally witness a UFO in person and not rely on You Tube footage? Who knows?

I finally got there and at first I thought I had missed it. I saw what I thought were some circular bends in the grain from the road, but I wasn't too certain. As you can see in the first photo, the field looks pretty non-descript and you can drive right by it and not realize there's anything there in the first place.

But this was definitely the right place! I had written the pilot who had taken the photograph and he gave me the specific coordinates that I plugged into my GPS and I had definitely hit pay-dirt. I started walking in the field and was cautious to see if there was perhaps anything unusual or pecuilar about this formation. I found a dead field mouse that looks like it had been ran over by the farmer's tractor but nothing else. No empty beer cans, used condoms or New-Age assholes either.

This photo is kinda jacked, but this is definitely the tradtional crushed wheat that most of these crop circles have - it was going in a clock-wise formation (sorry but you have to tilt your head to see it).

Here's the center of the top circle - I didn't walk to the second circle partially because I forgot there was a second part, but as you can see, it's nothing special at all. Nothing cosmic or bizarre - just crushed wheat as mentioned before.

And again the same circle from a slightly different view. No feelings of nauseau or spirituality, although I did get the impression that I was being watched at first, and that possibly I was not welcome. After a while it seemed to me that perhaps what all these UFO nuts and New-Agers might have missed the mark all entirely as to what these phenomenon are: religious altars made by the pagan gods and spirits who were once worshipped by the Celts and the Europeans before Christianity wiped them out, and because there has been a revival of Wicca that they're waking up again after being out of action for the past 2000 years. A god is only as strong as its followers, and the quickest way to gain notoriety is by doing something to this effect, and let's face it - miracles on the Christian side of the house have been few and far between from what I can remember.

Could this possibly be the truth? Think about it - if some street thug gang member wants his presence to be made known, he spray paints his symbol around town - I view crop circles as being no different - pagan spirits and possibly demons in direct opposition of one another have been making these things as means of having a cosmic pissing contest as to who is the biggest and baddest of them all, all the while clueless people thinking that they are messages intended for humanity when they're not, considering that these things are meant to be seen from the sky. Makes perfect sense to me when you take into consideration that Satan can be found in the air we breathe (reference Ephesians 2:2).

It makes perfect sense to me at least. I think that any energy that crop circles may have are consumed when they are being created, and within a week any residual that's been left over has vanished. The demon pops out and goes about its business. Think of it like taking a 9 volt battery and tasting it with your tongue - that little 'jolt' is enough to get people excited but in the grand scheme of things won't make your fire alarm or your Norwegian sex toys operate.

Anycase I walked all over this thing for 10 minutes and felt nothing. Because I had a 2-liter of Diet Pepsi for me to drink on the way up, I decided to take a whizz in the center portion and text message a few friends about it. Might as well make the trip memorable at least.

On the way back home it did start to rain and if it's one thing I hate, it's driving on the Autobahn when the weather is shitty, since so many people forget that the laws of physics still apply. In between dodging shitty drivers from hydroplaning, an awesome idea came to me - next time I see one of these crop circles, I NEED TO HAVE SEX IN IT! I need to find a hottie with an open mind to have sex with in one of these things to see if anything mystical will happen. Or better yet, take it one step further and FILM A PORNO using crop circles as the background setting! Think about it! It could be a great way to revitalize the industry as we know it!

Anycase I also found this creepy looking ice cream van parked outside of some abandoned town house. Nice. I can hear the muffled cries of the kidnapped echo and the fat greasy Italian guy who put them to work making fake FILA clothing. The things you find when you're out and about no less.

So over all are crop circles worth all the hype? Eh not so much although I still want to see more when they pop up. I will say that my day ended the same way it started - by me taking another monster dump as a result of eating the Autobahn food. Kids, if you're going to do any extensive traveling in Europe, might I recommend you bring snacks on the trip.

Ugh. My colon is still rumbling as I write this. Heh.

(Special thanks to the dude at www.goeflug.de for giving me directions to the crop circle)

Demon Days

2009-07-04T19:20:00.006+02:00

So here it is the summertime and it's in full swing. Germany has been getting a rash of hot weather all this past week or so and people are dropping like flies practically. Myself, I wake up at the butt-crack of noon and play video games until midnight. If I'm so inclined I go out to eat or to get out of the house for a bit. It's nice not having to worry about anything for the next month or so.

One good thing about the hot weather is that all the hotties are out in their summer clothes and horny bastards like myself enjoy getting a free show checking out their skimpy outfits. On the flip side they have fat beasts out wearing their summer tents too which is why I quickly avert my eyes when one of these hippos in size a size 26 parachute comes trolling out with her two screaming brats.

I went to the lake nearby the other day too in hopes of seeing some topless chicks since the Germans are into that kinda thing. Not a one. Instead I saw some old dude change his Speedo in public, exposing his bare naked flabby ass to the world for all to see - both young and old alike. I was mortified - my eyes became petrified and I had to use Medusa brand eye drops to get rid of the image. Good thing he didn't turn around either, lest his fruit basket be witnessed and then I have to scrub my brain out with toxic chemicals. I swear it's like a bad Benny Hill comedy skit.

I need to get laid. Need to find some hottie that will let me give her the Shocker too since everyone I know talks about it but nobody has ever admitted to doing it or having it done to themselves. I think the thing is an urban legend, kinda like those chain letters you get that say if you don't forward the e-mail then some maniac will break out of prison and will come teabag you in your sleep. I could be the first to prove that the Shocker does indeed exist, and that chicks dig it. Come to think of it, I'm secretly convinced that alot of chicks like anal sex too, only they're afraid that if they admit it, that they'll be treated like some gang-bang sex puppet by their boyfriends. I know I'm not imagining this shit, nor am I making it up either.

So hopefully these demon days will be enjoyed - perhaps I should go to Amsterdam or Switzerland for shits n' grins. Might as well while I can.

Hail Sanchez! (?)

2009-05-23T14:42:00.005+02:00

I don't know what is more fearful - a drag queen and his boyfriend with a catchy-tune or the fact they're poorly representing a religion? Anton LaVey is turning in his grave.

And the blonde twins are hot.

Self Explanatory

2009-05-07T18:38:00.005+02:00

Vodka dulls the pain most days now.

And make certain to avert your eyes at 2:39 or else you'll catch a glimpse of his smuggled plums.

Your goddamned cell phone

2009-04-17T16:50:00.007+02:00

Turn the shit off.

Seriously people. What the fuck izzit that possess people to let these fucking things ring 4 or 5 tones before they decide to answer them?

It's so fucking annoying to listen to this shit when you're enjoying a movie, or trying to concentrate on a term paper at the local library. Usually the asshole whose phone is out of control has some annoying thump-thump ba-donka-donk song playing, trying to impress people how 'hip' or how 'down' he is, when in reality he's nothing more than some annoying twat who thinks he's all that. And then when he's talking on the phone, he tries to either sound how important he is, or how 'cool' he sounds butchering the English language.

Even listening to normal telephones ring constantly irritates the shit out of me. I just want to reach up and rip the goddamned thing out of the wall socket and throw it out the window. I gotta listen to that shit all day at work but fuck if I'm gonna listen to some sawed-off street thug's 50 Cent ring tone when I'm trying to enjoy some privacy! FUCK!!!

So, to better improve my own life and the lives of those around me, here's a Public Service Announcement from The Machine:

You. Yes you.

Turn your fucking cell phone off the next time you're in public. Or put the shit down your pants and leave it on vibrate. Better yet if you're gonna do that, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. I DON'T WANNA HEAR THE SHIT!

Keep your voice down. Nobody wants to hear your stupid conversation. PRIVACY IS CONTAGIOUS.

TWAT.

London Calling

2009-04-02T18:33:00.008+02:00

Heh.

So I figure as much time as I've spent on mainland Europe, visiting France, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Belgium and the Netherlands, I need to go to that lost clump of a turd that still counts as being part of Europe but doesn't want to own up and admit that they fucked over the E.U. when they refused to switch over to the Euro as their main currency in 1999:

England.

Yes, those goddamned limey bastards will be graced with my presence this weekend. The very land that brought us bad teeth, Benny Hill, and America as we know it will once again be graced with my presence. Tomorrow I will fly out to London and for the weekend I'll party it up Ipswich style.

See, The Machine was originally in the United Kingdom from 1990-92 and then again in 1999 and loved it absolutely each time. If it weren't for the fact that the place is so goddamned fucking expensive, I'd go over there more often.

Okay. That's total bullshit.

Actually what I hate is having to spend time on an airplane. I'm not afraid that the airplane will crash and everyone will die in a horrible fiery inferno, no, I detest flying for the very reason that there's always some annoying douchebag who talks too loud, smells like 3 day old cat piss and body odor, or some goddamned annoying screaming kid who won't let you sleep, or is kicking the back of the chair during the entire flight. No joke. Once when I left Korea I saw some little kid playing the bongo on the back of some stranger's head and adashi just sat there and took it, never once turning around and breaking the little fucker's arms in half. Had it been me, I would've quickly become the "ugly American" that everyone talks about and make certain that the rest of the flight would be a pleasant experience.

So this is my first time taking Ryan Air. It's supposively the Soutwest Airlines of Europe, only cheaper and without the excellent customer service - just uber-shitty, first come-first serve seating and absolutely NO FRILLS like in-flight snacks or drinks. Considering that it's only an hour flight from Germany to England, I think I can manage.

One thing I didn't plan on originally when I had booked my flight was that the G-20 meeting would be going on this weekend. Already some assholes have been rioting and frankly I don't want to be anywhere near those fuck-holes if they're going to ruin my weekend trip. Stay the fuck away from me and we'll be fine. I think that globalization is total shite as well, and that the world economy sucks too but tearing shit up isn't the way to go about things. Cops (with guns) fight back, your stupid ass gets beat, and then you go to jail over a fleeting coup that failed. Governments and their banks continue to oppress their peoples and all the while nobody gave two shits that you put your neck out on the line, and people like myself view you as being more of a nuisance who deserved to get their ass beat for causing such a scene in the first place. All thing considered, I should be fine since I will only get on the Tubes to get over to East Anglia and then from there take the British Rail to Ipswich where I can get drunk at Hollywood's of Ipswich on several pints of Foster's, eat one of the world famous Baba's Kebabs across the street from the Odeon theater, and then go throw it up on whatever hot British slag I can get my hands on. The perfect evening.

Heh. If anything perhaps I should wear a t-shirt that says "I heart G-20" and see how many of those asshole beat me mercilessly into the ground. I'll make sure that I'm in front of a CNN newscamera giving the big 'thumbs up' and a shit-eating grin just moments before I get mauled by the crowd. Hopefully it will make Ebaum's World or You Tube!

Knowing my luck I'll get my ass kicked by a bunch of drunk and rowdy soccer hooligans and the British Police will thank them for doing it since they still hate us Yanks for breaking away from the Motherland. That stuff happens all the time so it's not like that would make the news.

Go Manchester United.

Heh.

Goddammit people

2009-03-15T16:34:00.007+01:00

Goddammit people, is it asking too much to show some consideration when you're out in public these days?

Fuck you all...

Weekend Seminar Part 2

2009-03-07T17:13:00.005+01:00

Usually I don't like to keep a plethora of entries on my blog simply because it looks really trashy when you have a bunch of different posts that are in no way related to one another. This is one such post that indirectly relates to my previous entry and therefore deserves to be posted in conjunction with one another. Relativism.

As you can see before, I took a weekend seminar class last month. I am taking another one this weekend that relates to Political Science, and ironically enough, fucking MOUTH BREATHER is attending it as well. Mouth Breather showed up to class about 40 minutes after it had started and was sitting in the back row. Would you believe me if I told you that I could hear this long-lost son of MEATLOAF breathing all the way to the front of the class where I was sitting? Unbelievable but it is true. Sure enough, Mouth Breather once again was zoning out in class, sleeping and playing games on his cell phone. Dude - why the fuck do you even attend these things in the first place if you're not going to take them seriously? He actually started making friends with that Danish weirdo from last class since he too is attending this one. I think they're both going to go out tonight, get drunk, and swap hair secrets on how they both maintain their pony tails or some shit. Who knows.

What I do know is that there are two uber-hotties who sit next to one another that I have deemed the SLUT SISTERS since I could hear them whisper how they're going to blow some dude or whatever tonight. During one of the breaks I said "You two must be related because the both of you have some very interesting conversations" - one of them started to freak the shit out and then no sooner did she say "Why, what did you hear exactly", than I just simply gave her a shit-eating grin, replied "Enough" and she ran to the bathroom to get her friend and for the next 5 minutes you could hear a commotion going on. They both returned and stared at me for the better part of a half hour, than they finally decided that I was just fucking with them. For the remainder of the class they decided to keep their conversation to a barely audible whisper since they knew I was on to them. Heh.

The professor himself is this African dude who speaks with a British accent. He dresses impeccably and really knows his shit. Dare I say he's the first teacher I've had in a long time that does the subject matter justice. The rest of the class seems to be bored or falling asleep and have absolutely no clue as to European history and its correlation to what he's teaching.

Heh. Tomorrow I plan on seeing Mouth Breather, Danish Dude and the Slut Sisters all coming in drunk, hung-over and all looking like shit. Or, if Mouth Breather stays in true form, he won't even show up for class until it's an hour before our final like he did for our class on the Third Reich. I plan on getting a good laugh either way.

Heh.

Weekend Seminar

2009-02-21T16:39:00.007+01:00

Heh. Weekend Seminars are something else. The University will put these things on, only you have to sacrifice sleeping in or getting shit-faced the night before if you want to be able to function in class and get a decent grade.

I am attending a seminar on how the Third Reich came into power. Personally I hate Nazis, I hate Hitler, I hate fascism and all the assholes who think that having a dictator running your life is the greatest thing since sliced butt hair. Having said that, this class counts as 1 semester hour towards my degree in German Language Studies and it beats the usual 8 weeks of sitting in class and having to listen to some asshole state a bunch of useless facts.

In this case I already have the teacher from one of my previous German classes - some old dude in his 70's who was around when World War II actually came to an end. No way. He actually remembers those Nazi douchebags from when he was a little boy. He's pretty cool in the sense that when he teaches the class, it is similar to how a German university class is taught - no homework but any tests given are based off how well you can take notes, and there is only a mid-term and a final. I ended up taking 7 pages of notes just today alone since I know what to expect. The other students didn't do that necessarily.

Behind me sits some fat and tall oaf who is a mouth breather. And he smells. I fucking hate mouth breathers. All day I've had to listen to this bag of recessive genes inhale and exhale oxygen the way someone with Reactive Airway Disease gasps for air, and all the associated drooling that goes along with it. After lunch he came back with his fast food drink and was slurping ice and chewing on it. To top it off, he started getting bored, and before you know, this Dutch retread is playing a game on his cell phone. I glanced occasionally to see how he was doing in class and he didn't have half a page of notes. You can tell this guy really makes his parents proud.

There's this also this gorgeous big-titted hottie with long curly hair and glasses that has got my attention. Daddy definitely like. I saw a hint of gray in her hair so I am thinking she is over 30 but you would swear at least 24 by the way she dresses - a tight 'As I Lay Dying' rock t-shirt, multiple ear piercings, and tight jeans that don't leave anything to the imagination. I was chatting her up today in between breaks and will see what she's up to tomorrow after class is done. She seems receptive but for all I know she could be married but I didn't see a wedding ring, so unless she says otherwise, she's fair game. And for all I know, she could be my next trophy girlfriend too.

Trophy girlfriends are something else. Usually the ones I date are all heavily medicated. Prozac. Sertaline. Xanax. Just name the anti-depression medication of your favorite choice and chances are I've heard of it. The upside is that you have this gorgeous hottie who is practically your own private porn star, but the downside is that all the shit her previous boyfriends did to her, you have to deal with and in some cases you are just equally to blame. I once dated this one chick who looked like Courtney Love and for the lack of a better phrase she was 'well adjusted' until the moment you added alcohol - then she became head-over-heels psycho and all the abusive shit her ex-husband did to her, I was automatically to blame. Mind you I had never met the guy but I was definitely taking one for the team. Even my last girlfriend was souped up on triple dose Prozac so perhaps there's some connection there some how. Who knows.

All I know is that with Fasching going on this week it will be a crime if I don't go out tonight to the local gasthaus and get only mildly shit-faced since I still have school and a final to take tomorrow.

Heh.

...Hallucinate and Tranquilize...

2009-02-08T14:53:00.004+01:00

I need one of these.

If I did my Playstation would gather dust, and I would never leave the house again.

Heh.

2009

2009-01-10T16:17:00.004+01:00

I want a refund for 2008.

It sucked.

For the majority of the year I was on someone else's schedule or was doing their bullshit flunky work. Aside from having a girlfriend who popped anti-psychotic medications like candy ("I'm on triple-dose Prozac" as she once told me), it was a year of getting cock-blocked yet again. My motto for 2009 is going to be "More Fun, Less B.S." although I suspect that I have developed a mild allergy to alcohol since both X-mas eve and New Year's I had difficulty breathing after having a bottle of wine and half a bottle of champagne. I know that as people become older that their body chemistry changes, and if this is indeed not a fluke then I think I'm screwed. While I'm not a big boozer I do love having an occasional bottle to take the edge off.

If any good came out of 2008 it's that I was able to remain in Germany yet another year. I have no desire to return to America for the simple fact that the Republicans have created a bigger mess than what Clinton left them, and with Obama becoming the next US President here this month, he will open the door for more minorities to White-bash while lowering the standards for them socially to assimilate. Think I'm full of shit? At the end of 4 years if I'm right, buy me a drink of my choice and if you're a female, a beej would be nice.

Anycase, here's hoping that 2009 isn't that much of a douche-bag year that 2008 was.

Heh.

Summertime Travels

2008-08-17T14:32:00.009+02:00

I love Europe.

Not perhaps as much as Japan when it comes to the weird, freaky shit you find on the streets, but just as good all the same.

Heh. So on with the show.

Enjoy.

Swiss gnomes from a competetive travel agency.

Goddammit, now stop it already.

Why do you ask where you got your name, Shitting Dog?

For once a religion I can agree on

The Euro-Flasher

The Mannequin-Pis of Brussels

Heh. Truth in Advertising.

Summertime in Deutschland

2008-07-28T15:30:00.003+02:00

Eh. It's summertime in Deutschland and I'm too damn lazy to write about how I'm sitting on my ass playing videogames. My girlfriend dumped me back in May and I've been too lazy to go find a new one since. In the meantime I could really care less.

So, see yah when I see yah.

Ich sollte mein hausaufgabe machen

2008-05-07T19:24:00.004+02:00

I should be doing my German homework right now but instead am taking the moment to update my blog.

Spring is finally here in Germany and the weather has been nice for the past week and a half. The sun is staying out longer and people are making the most of it. Last week was Hexenacht and I spent the night banging the hell outta my girlfriend, instead of pulling out the altar and giving the Man Downstairs some props. The way I see it, every time I have sex, I'm paying homage to El Jeffe in my own special way. He gets the front row seat and whispers dirty little secrets in my ear as to what the ladies really like, and yah know what? No complaints yet! Anycase the kids down the street toilet-papered the houses and a bunch of birds shit on my car. Fucking birds.

Turns out I'm alot closer to a Bachelor's Degree in German studies than I imagined. To be honest I've been doing this as a hobby but one of my classmates pointed out that I need only 2 or 3 more classes and I qualify for the degree. Holy shit. I suppose anything is possible if you stick with it long enough.

If my girlfriend isn't bitching me out this weekend I'll be playing Grand Theft Auto IV. The game rocks. Fuck that stupid Iron Man movie for all I care - I'd rather run around Liberty City car-jacking and pick up hookers instead. The game even lets you get shit-faced with your cousin and if you attempt to drive, you get a DUI from the cops!! How cool is that? There's alot more stuff you can do that I need to discover.

In the meantime, I need to get back to my homework and contribute to my 2.0 GPA.

Heh.

Girlfriends

2008-03-29T16:58:00.006+01:00

Holy crap.

I turn around and look what happens to me. The Machine now has a girlfriend.

Yes, you read that right.

I finally have someone to indulge my every twisted desire and she enjoys it too. She likes Silent Hill, South Park, and Opeth, and has sparked my muse once again. While I won't say that she's high maintenance, she does require alot of attention which she is more than willing to reciprocate. As far as I am concerned, I get directly what I put into this relationship with her (something so few women whom I have dated have done).

I won't go into the hows and the whys this all came about, and you the viewer should be thankful that there is such a thing known as 'birth control' out there, and that she is using it. The world could not stand another one of me running around.

Surprisingly this has mellowed me out a whole helluva lot. I suppose being able to 'relieve pressure' has its advantages for a change.

I dunno how long this thing is gonna last, if it is even a thing, but I for one am really digging it for a change. I'm gonna roll with it for the time being.

You bitches were warned. This devil gets his due.

Heh.

When Keeping it Real goes Wrong

2008-02-25T17:22:00.004+01:00

In celebration of Black History Month, I like to expand my horizons - watch black cinema and culture and see the myriad of contributions that have been made to our society (not that we don't see that enough every day, we now have a federally-imposed month to remind us). Gone are the days of Amos and Andy, Li'l Black Sambo, and the 70's Blaxploitation era of Super Fly and Shaft. Instead there is today's cleaned-up, politically correct BET and Oprah to off-set these traditional stereotypes, but I like to go for more of the underground film producer - one who likes to keep it as real as possible, and as a result I give to you ROCK STARS - the documentary of crack cocaine users in New Jersey. It is funny and shameless at the same time. Just like Bumfights, you have people who are willing to degrade themselves for the camera, although not through the use of violence. You see these crack heads light up and tweak at the same time, and then do the "crack head bend" looking for the same piece of rock that they've already smoked. The film producer interviews about 4 or 5 people total and has them hold toy guitars while they're speaking, in an obvious exploitation theme. One woman claims to have had 9 kids, but 3 of them died since she was too busy trying to get her next fix. Some guy is missing the fingers on one of his hands and only has a thumb that he uses to hold his crack pipe. Another woman claims that some thugs beat her in the cooch with a hammer. When asked as to how this whole affliction entered the ghetto, they blame "whitey" each and every time, even though they score from their neighbors down the street. I don't know about you, but last time I checked, the Colombian drug cartels that ship this crap into our nation were predominantly hispanic, but I could be completely off on this one! What's sad (or depending on how you look at it, humorous) is that these drug addicts all think that some how their problems will magically disappear one day, and that some great supernatural hand will deliver them like Moses and the Jews from Egypt. Never once do any of them say "I'm gonna get help and stay clean". If there is any take home message they all agree on, is that not to get started on drugs, with their hollow lives as being quite possibly the best example as a result.

While there is an honest attempt to bring to mainstream media the problem that drug addiction has on the streets, the whole thing smacks of someone trying to get rich off of another person's affliction. It's shameless capitalism at it's worst, only because the whole thing was poorly put together. Anthony Quinn, the producer, can take some lessons from those assholes who made the Bumfights series if he ever wants to make a sequel to this otherwise complete waste of film by using "Bling-Bling" the crack-head for some comic relief and by taking more of a Jerry Springer approach to it.

She bought your love but you paid for it Day

2008-02-14T18:08:00.005+01:00

To the bitches who should be making this day memorable.

Enjoy.

Back in Black

2008-01-21T18:04:00.001+01:00

You can't keep a good man down but in my case it's like trying to flush that turd that just won't die in defeat without a struggle. Seasons in the Abyss, the giant toilet bowl we call our lives, and I've been too entirely quiet for too entirely long. People just aren't saying what needs to be said, at least in the sense of things as I know them to be.

The Short Bus Mafia is dead but the Black Rusted Van continues trekking on down the Highway to Hell. So what (if any) new changes will transpire? Hard to tell now but at the very least it won't be the mundane bullshit I was spewing there towards the end of the original blog. Just the noteworthy news that freaks and geeks alike can appreciate, I promise you the viewer. Tackiness at its most refinement.

So prepare to have your intelligence insulted yet again. Ready the barf bag, prepare the suppositories because you're going to want to purge yourself of this experience once you remember why it is you gave up on this blog in the first place. It's a new year and it's time to get truckin'.

Machine

RIP Short Bus Mafia: 2005 - 2007

2007-04-17T20:35:00.001+02:00

Fuck it.

This blog's had it.

Adios assholes - this blog never got me laid anyways.

The Machine

Dead Again

2007-03-17T12:19:00.000+01:00

Heh.

Type O Negative's new album sounds like a cross-up between rejected Saturday Morning Cartoon theme songs from the 60's and 70's and a failed piano recital recorded in their basement. They rattle about End Times and other Biblical nonsense which is a completely different angle for them - did they become closet Christians or something between now and their last album Life is Killing Me? And what's with the picture of Rasputin the smelly Russian on the front cover? He looks like he needs a bath.

They need to pack it up and call it quits. Better to go out in a blaze of glory than to fade into obscurity.

Heh.

The Japanese Dream Demon

2007-02-25T12:32:00.001+01:00

I dreamt last night I was caught stealing the souls of the girls I meet, and transporting them back to Hell on the short bus.

Heh.

Happy Valentine's Day

2007-02-11T17:16:00.000+01:00

Yep.

I'll be spanking it again this year.

P.S. Ruckus would you be mine Valentine?

Heh.

Getting ready for Valentine's Day

2007-02-05T19:02:00.000+01:00

Heh.

Asshole

2007-01-24T19:32:00.000+01:00

Heh.

I must make the Baby Jesus cry at the amount of kittens that die on a regular basis.

Heh.

2007

2007-01-02T18:39:00.002+01:00

We'll see how it goes.

Ignore These Four Words

2006-11-19T12:40:00.001+01:00

Thornography

2006-11-02T20:19:00.001+01:00

Ah yes. The new Cradle of Filth CD - THORNOGRAPHY.

I picked it up today and have listened to a few tracks in my car - not too shabby although with each new album, I can tell that lead singer Danni Filth is becoming more and more mainstream-oriented. While a good heavy metal/death metal/black metal band making a buck or two is always good, it really disappoints the fans from the start who were supporting the band when some flavor-of-the-month hip-hip asshole throws money down for their bumper sticker or t-shirt. Dee Snider of Twisted Sister stated this best on a history of metal DVD that I own.

Still, the way I see it, I'd rather have some obscure band like Type O Negative or Electric Hellfire Club get some radio play than to break up because they just didn't have the cash to make ends meet. Unfortunately for us the listeners, we have to wade through a sea of no-talent hacks like Brittney Spears, Eminem, 50 Cent, and Linkin Park just to find one BLACK LABEL SOCIETY or DEICIDE album worth listening to. While the music industry is a business out to make money by nature, they certainly lower the standards now so that any asshole with a flashy attitude can get a record signed. Fuck that shit.

So, if you're up for it, pick this gem up, but I recommend some of their earlier stuff if you're interested in their sound. Nymphetamine, their last album would be a good place to start.

Heh.

A Halloween Story

2006-10-30T18:50:00.001+01:00

Okay.

As you all know, I, THE MACHINE, continually strive for lower standards on this blog by insulting your intelligence indirectly. Short of posting something that's outright illegal (don't ask me because I won't do it), you keep coming back for more abuse. So tonight, I have a special treat for all you jack-assy viewers out there who should've quit a long time ago. I give to you:

THE NIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN.

It was a dark and stormy night.

~~The Machine~~ Reezus was driving home alone after attending some stupid office party at a nearby Messican restaurant. The food was awful. Shitty. Some fat smelly bastard who couldn't read a lick of English was the main chef and personal hygiene was out of the question. Looking at this fat sack of pig shit was just as revolting as his body odor on a hot summer day - NAUSEATING. He hadn't seen a a shower in days, nor had his hands been washed in that long a time. If the hair on his back didn't gross you out, the hair coming out his nose certainly did. Was that Tortilla Soup or a shit sandwich you just ate? It looked and smelled about the same regardless. Still, Reezus didn't want to be some complete asshole and not attend.

It was Hector's birthday. Hector, the office idiot savant, wouldn't lift a goddamned finger at work all day unless you got some fire under his ass, and Reezus was the guy always busting his chops to file shit. Do reports on time. And not to give him any grief about it. Anycase Hector liked the ~~La-Can-Kill-Ya~~ La Cantina Messican Restaurant since it reminded him of home cooking the way his mother used to make it. FUCKING HORRIBLE and because it was his birthday, he demanded everyone show up there.

Reezus knew the moment he ate that ~~lizard~~ chicken chimichanga, it wasn't properly cooked. He could taste the Salmonella bacteria growing inside as he swallowed the first mouthful down - and that's when he knew it would only be a matter of time before it would come back up, which was right about now. On the road, in the rain as he's driving home.

"Oh holy fucking Christ" he muttered. "Not now. PLEASE not now!"

He started feeling nauseated and was about to shit his pants. He was still a while from home and there were no nearby stops that had a place to take a dump. The greasy spoon restaurant was at that point of no-return now, and he was better off trying to make it back home than to turn around and chance it.

He passed some residential area to include some local stores that had closed up for the night. GODDAMMIT! I'VE GOTTA TAKE A SHIT NOW!

Still nothing.

He started driving faster, yet with the decreased visibility and the road being wet, didn't want to go too fast. FUCK. He continued driving on.

Out of the blue he noticed a construction site off to the side of the road that he hadn't noticed previously. "Eh? When did this thing pop up?" he wondered. It was then he caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a port-a-potty. This was the break he was looking for. As he pulled up to the side of the road, a sign clearly marked 'OFF LIMITS - DO NOT ENTER' was blocking his way. Now was not the time to argue with some stupid sign. It was to the port-a-potty or bust.

Getting out of the car, the rain hit his face like nails on concrete - his feet sunk in 6 inches of mud from all the water - FUCK - but that wasn't going to stop him anyhow. Running towards the shitter Reezus decided it was worth the hassle of cleaning mud out of his car versus having to explain the perpetual faint whiff of having shitting the car's upholstry to the dealer when taking it in for a cleaning.

Prying the door open, he noticed some graffiti spray-painted on the side - what appeared to be a skull with some weird kinda scribbling all over it. Some stupid inner-city kids made a mess of it most likely - painting their gang name or whatever on it, but that didn't matter now. In just a matter of seconds he could shit his guts out for all he cared since that damn chimichanga would quit wreaking havoc on his bowels once and for all.

Once inside, he dropped his pants and took care of business.

AAAHHHHHHH. RELIEF.

He felt better. But once that was out, the Hershey Squirts began! Oh no! Fuck that Hector for making him eat at the La-Can-Kill-Ya! Why not have your birthday party at McDonalds where you know the food is safe? More chemicals than a batch of toxic waste we're talking.

Squirt squirt squirt.

Ugh.

Squirt squirt squirt.

No.

Squirt squirt squirt.

GODDAMMIT.

By this time Reezus had empty his insides completely and was about to take care of the paperwork, only something odd happened - the port-a-potty began to shake. Tremble like it was caught in an earthquake. Reezus braced the sides of cabin while it violently rattled. The shit inside the holding area splattered on his ass. GODDAMMIT! NO! He went to grab for some T.P. only there WAS NO T.P. around. WTF? It continued raining, so running back to his car for a newspaper was out of the question - it would get soaked and he'd have butt-juice running down his leg.

Squirt squirt squirt.

OH NO. NOT AGAIN.

A moment later the port-a-potty shook once more, only more violently. "Someone must be outside playing a joke on me" he thought to himself. "HEY ASSHOLE! KNOCK IT OFF! WAIT YOUR TURN ALREADY" he yelled from inside. But who would do this in the rain?

Squirt squirt squirt.

AGAIN.

By this time he started feeling light-headed. Was it the loss of fluid or the smell going to his head that was making him woozy? He couldn't tell, but distinctly heard a deep growl come from beneath him, scaring the shit outta him (literally) once more.

Squirt squirt squirt.

UGGH. MAKE IT STOP ALREADY.

Just then a bright red light started glowing beneath his ass on the port-a-potty, and a scalding heat rose to the surface - what some might consider to be magma from beneath the earth's crust. A vacuum pressure started to suck Reezus' ass to the toilet lid so he couldn't get up to escape. OH NO! What's GOING ON! He fidgeted and pushed to get off the commode, only the more he tried, the more the vacuum took hold. Just then a sinister laugh bellowed from the depths of the bowl as hellfire shot up, consuming Reezus once and for all. The skeletons of sinners mixed in with shit circled the inside of the cabin leaving no inch uncovered, and then in a split second everything sucked back into the hole from whence it came, without a trace of the person it had vanquished.

The very next day the rain had stopped and the sun was brightly shining. Reezus' car was still parked inside the construction site, keys still in the ignition. The Day Workers came to start their shift when one of them looked at the port-a-potty with terror on his face. It looked as if some monster had regurgitated its evening meal inside there. Jorge couldn't peel his eyes away from the sight but knew not to stare too long, lest he be stricken with paralysis of the butt.

"Hey hombre" - his friend Enrique said. "Whatchoo see here is an old legend that comes true, essay. My grandmother - she's crazy - she used to tell me when I was a little boy about El Demonio de la Mierda to make me behave. She tell me that every so often, usually around Halloween, he would attack those who violate his sacred ground, and the graffiti you see spray-painted on the bano here is his marking. You don't go there after dark, especially. I thought she was full of shit, but it turns out she was right after all."

Jorge shuddered as he grabbed a shovel and started digging. He felt lucky that he had avoided a fate so horrible as that of THE PORT-A-POTTY FROM HELL.

(Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ~ !)

Heh.

Altar Call of Nature

2006-10-25T19:04:00.001+02:00

I need a new altar.

A Satanic altar.

Something that reflects the user, is personalized, yet at the same time is worthy of even the most sinister of demons and most pious of angels alike. Something that if someone were to see accidentally, wouldn't even realize its true purpose unless they had a discerning eye.

Of course all the pussy Wiccans and Pagans running around out there think that you can use a rock or a bunch of trees or some shit and that's perfectly suitable for what you wish to conjure up. Or perhaps a bonfire (how original) and dancing naked in subfreezing weather when it's the middle of February outside. FUCK THAT.

Lucifer, Satan, B.L.Z. Bub or any name you can call the Man Downstairs, has style. Taste. Panache. He's the guy who really knows how to do it right. Get down to business and get the job done.

So where's one place you can take care of business?

Work?

FUCK NO!

HOME!

And on your very own SATANIC TOILET ALTAR.

Just think about it for a second - Anton LaVey makes all sorts of potty references in his essays and seeing how he was the 20th Century mouthpiece for Satanism as we know it, was imparting esoteric wisdom to the casual reader unknowingly when writing such diatribes about the Dirty Hermit and Toilet Bowl Meditation. Why else would Manuke the Shit Demon plague me with such bowel problems in the middle of the night?

SO, I need to buy some cartoony devil stuff since it's still Halloween and decorate my commode in the most gaudy of fashions possible. Plastic spiders, rubber bats, a plastic skull or two - maybe even a plastic pitchfork or something to get those hard-to-reach dingle berries out when paperwork alone won't finish the job. I could draw a Satanic pentagram on the top of the toilet bowl lid and on the inside when you lift it up, it will read "HAIL SATAN" with a COOP cartoony devil stick smoking a cigar stuck on it. Place some black candles around the water basin since they will serve for lighting purposes (and will burn off any really raunchy gas when you're taking a dump), and of course some READING MATERIAL (primarily The Satanic Bible and The Satanic Rituals) for your daily devotional, it will be worthy of the most hellacious of bowel movements known to man. It would SO FUCKING ROCK.

Of course it would stand to say that SOMETHING would happen as a result - hairy ass, zits, kling-ons or hemorrhoids might happen if I'm not too careful. After all, some demons get real jealous and wouldn't be surprised if Manuke was one of them. I better stock up on lotsa bran and rough toilet paper to keep him preoccupied.

If I hurry and buy everything I need this weekend, I can have it done by Monday at the very latest and just in time too. This is gonna be the best Halloween yet.

Heh.

Do not operate machinery

2006-10-20T20:28:00.000+02:00

While listening to the new MASTODON CD.

Heh.

If Ken Kesey, Willy Wonka, and H.R. Pufnstuf all got together and made a CD, it would be an acid trip without ingesting any psychotropic substances, and it would be named BLOOD MOUNTAIN.

~~Heh. More like Ass-todon.~~

Heh.

It's Sleazy

2006-10-16T19:26:00.000+02:00

Heh.

One thing I've always enjoyed in the music scene is the amount of originality that stems from musicians.

No, no, no - not the corporate bullshit rock you hear on the radio, nor the generic street thug screaming obscenities into an open mic - yah seen one of those assholes you've seen them all - and you asshole continue to support that music (and you still wonder why it is commercial radio sucks)!

Well let me introduce you to the biggest has-been band that never made it big:

GWAR

Yes. GWAR. Some people think it stands for GOD WHAT AWFUL RACKET while others think it means GAY WOMEN AGAINST RAPE, or even possibly GREAT WHITE ARYAN RACE - unfortunately the band members say that their name has no meaning, but I like the first idea the best since it has the funniest response. Heh.

They have this movie out that I picked up when I was in San Antonio the other month, that I finally got around to watching - IT'S $LEAZY - where their manager - SLEAZY P. MARTINI does some rip-off talk show that's a cross between Springer, Ricki Lake, and Geraldo. Of course it's a slap in the face to these toilet bowl somantics you see people do for ratings, and these guys play it to the hilt.

For example, one nervous mother comes on stage, saying how GWAR influenced her 5 year old to turn into an evil version of Beavis - and eat his dad. He comes out on stage, eats her, and then Sleazy P. shoots him in the face with a shotgun. Another part of the parody, some former M-TV VJ (I couldn't figure out who it was they were making fun of) comes out as a Trans-sexual midget, cuts off his penis before the audience, and then throws it at them. But the weirdest thing that happens is when some dude named SCRODA MOON comes out, claiming to be the long lost cousin of GWAR, and has some ancient tablet that will bring about the end of the world if broken. Sleazy P. decides to capitalize on this by having the band come busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, only they bust through the wrong wall, and break the tablet instead! What happens next is kinda hazy....I was laughing so damn hard I couldn't help myself - this is in no specific order.

There's a giant demonic raisin that gets fought.

There are ads for freshly-squeezed butt juice. And sheep tampons.

Elvis Presley comes back from the dead and GWAR kills him. Then they steal the drugs left in his stomach and get high.

Sleazy P's All-You-Can-Eat Crab Shack has a morbidly obese woman with pubic lice, and all these dudes feasting.

In the spirit of the Groovy Ghoulies, there's F.U.C.K. - what it stands for I dunno, but they have all the horror monsters living beneath the same roof - and they're a bunch of stoners. CRANKENSTEIN, KING TOKE, CRACKULA, THE HEROIN and the AWARE-WOLF MAN all have a cameo bit, waiting for their dealer to show up. (side note: Come to think of it, I can't help but to compare watching GWAR to the old Hanna-Barbera cartoons from the late 60's and early 70's, such as Josie and the PussyCats, Scooby-Do, The Flintstones, and of course - Captain Caveman).

GWAR fights the JAEGER MONSTA - a skeletal monster, who when you look at him, you automatically become drunk. They fight him, rip his head off, and drink his Jaegermeister blood.

An interdimensional talking toilet - something you'd find in Pee Wee's PlayHouse has all the tablets and once GWAR brings out a giant toilet plunger, he coughs them up - usually with someone (or something) attached to it.

Tons of body parts getting hacked, slashed, and fake blood going everywhere.

In the end, GWAR succeeds to piece the tablet back together, and a giant monster resembling EDDIE of IRON MAIDEN popularity comes out, and they fight it. By this time, Sleazy P. has had enough, and decides to call it a show.

Of course it's kinda late to be getting into GWAR - but what the hell - BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, right? I have a few of their other films plus one of their CDs - WAR PARTY - if I like them enough I'll start buying more of their music off the internet. I can see they're right up my alley already.

Heh.

Conclusion

2006-10-10T19:56:00.001+02:00

After thinking about it for a day, perhaps I was wrong with my conclusion about a cat taking a dump on my back lawn. I mean, look at the size of that first log. It's pretty damn huge to be a cat turd.

No.

After careful consideration, I am convinced that MANUKE THE SHIT DEMON who resides within my bowels, POSSESSES ME to sleep walk in the middle of the night and take a shit on my own lawn. The idle threats of giving myself an enema with holy water or taking communion again to cleanse me of his unwanted presence was not taken lightly, and as a result, he is taking his revenge on me.

So. This is my cross to bear. This is my punishment for eating that hot dog on a stick so many years ago at the LAWSON MINI MART in Misawa Japan.

Lawson. You are the gateway to Hell. THE BAD ONE.

Naze desu ka? Wakara nai.

Heh.

Crap Circles

2006-10-09T18:31:00.000+02:00

Okay.

Some of you people out there believe in the recurring formation commonly known as CROP CIRCLES. Some people think they are the works of the angels, sent as a message from heaven above to reassure us that there is more to this life than meets the eye. Others view it as the direct opposite, as them being part of some grand deception by Lucifer and his fallen angels, echoing some kinda End Times bullshit phenomenon. Some people think it's the work of some kinda Earth Goddess while others believe it is the work of UFO aliens trying to communicate a higher level of consciousness and enlightenment through the use of symbolism and abstract ideas. Others are just skeptical all together and think it's the work of some pretty talented, albeit bored people with too much time on their hands.

Me personally I think it's the world government fucking with us from outer space, by testing new satellite plasma beam technology, as a means of perfecting it through the process of trial and error. Call it a hunch.

Anycase tonight's blog has nothing to do with those stupid fucking designs but it does have to do with something that I found today in my backyard. Much like the farmer who minds his own business, I go out to mow my lawn when I find

CRAP CIRCLES.

THE GODDAMNED NEIGHBOR'S CAT LEFT 4 CAT TURDS ON MY LAWN. Motherfucker! There are at least 2 cats that roam the street I live on, and figure I need to buy a BB gun and sit in wait for those little shits to come back on my lawn. I don't have any pets and there are no dogs in my neighborhood so I know it's process of elimination. Besides, THE PHANTOM SHITTER only strikes at work and does not know the whereabouts to where I reside.

Any case here's the proof I'm talking about:

As you can tell, I ran over the last one with the wheel of my lawnmower when I was alerted to the presence of cat turds within my immediate vicinity. Worse than stepping foot in a minefield, you get shit caught in between the treads of your boots and that smell ain't coming out for weeks. Damn.

So - ALL YOU FUCKING CAT LOVERS OUT THERE - NOW YOU KNOW WHY IT IS I HATE THEM.

Why can't they just go crap in a kindergarten sandbox like all the other cats instead?

Heh.

It's Official

2006-09-30T16:42:00.001+02:00

I officially refuse to have children. Not that you fucking nose-pickers out there had any say in the matter, but as of today, I, THE MACHINE officially declare that I will not consciously impregnate any women that I may have relations with, even if one day I do marry and strongly desire a family.

The case in point - today I'm running around the BX like some jack-ass, buying the new MASTODON CD (the damn thing finally got here) as well as a new PSP game. The check-out line is rather long when I hear this little white girl, perhaps no older than 7 or 8, break out in this fake ebonics dialect, trying to "keep it real" to her black mix friend, how when she was 5 years old she thought that 50 Cent was "cute". I have no idea where this little girl's parents were but the black woman looking at her gave her this look like "This child done lost her MIND UP IN HERE", especially when she referred to her friend as "Girl". We both exchanged this look of "what in the hell is this world coming to" with a sarcastic, yet disgusted look on our faces.

I am all for equality of the races - I hate everyone equally and don't care what skin color you fucking meatbags come in - everyone annoys the piss outta me which is why I avoid contact with humanity as a whole. I AM A MISANTHROPE. However, I KEEP IT REAL. I'm not going to dress up in some death metal outfit and expect people to try communicating to me on that level if they don't know what the scene is all about. It's ridiculous. Even if they DO know what it's about I'm not going to think any differently of them if they can impress me with the useless trivia knowledge about KING DIAMOND or DEICIDE. What DOES impress me is how dignified someone conducts themself in public without acting like some pompous asshole about it, regardless of what they look like. Chances are their mere presence is offensive to me, but at least it's a start.

Let's face it people, we're all a bunch of stereotypes running around out there but nobody has the balls to call it the way it is, save for comedians like DAVE CHAPELLE and CARLOS MENCIA, but because they're "minorities" it's considered to be acceptable social commentaries and observations. It's bad enough that stupid ANDY MILONAKIS kid got his own TV show pretending he could rap, but man is tribal in nature which is why the majority of cultures clash and riots/wars start. Ask any sociologist this and they will acknowledge this, even if the politicians won't. Our media as well as our society reinforces this as a whole, and there's no denying this either.

People are stupid and instead of reinforcing high standards, society elevates the lowest of pariahs to legendary status. For little kids to emulate some asshole who was shot 9 times and lived (10th bullet anyone?) goes to show how bad our nation is going down the shitter. Knowing this I refuse to help repopulate the earth knowing I will most likely be adding to the stupidity with whatever children I sire. I wish the Anti-Christ would come sooner than we hoped for and help put an end to all this madness. Or better yet you fuckers can nominate me to be the Anti-Christ until he shows up and takes care of business once and for all. I'll keep the seat warm.

Heh.

A solution

2006-09-28T19:54:00.000+02:00

Okay.

Last night I eluded to having take 3 dumps in one day. Holy fucking Christ it was horrible! I can only imagine what people were thinking when walking by the men's room despite the multiple courtesy flushes I was making - I left the fucking bathroom door WIDE OPEN for the smell to waft in the air and stink up the entire area. It fucking ROCKED.

So, me being a man of vision - a man of the future - decided that it's about time to come up with a marketing strategy - A TOOL - in order to combat irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn's disease, diarrhea, or chronic gas. Yes, sitting on the commode, I had the grandest vision that would make Da Vinci's inventions pale in comparison - I give to you:

THE COLON WRENCHER

New from Short Bus Mafia Technologies, the COLON WRENCHER is made of durable stainless steel that can clench off the harshest of colon ailments. Everything from Diverticulitis to constipation won't put a dent in this baby - it's built to last! For the very low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling (and groping if applicable), I, THE MACHINE, will deliver this ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME deal to your doorstep, courtesy of the US Postal Service.

This is break-through technology we're talking here! Discovered at the crash site of the Tijuana UFO Cover-Up, this is forbidden science that was never meant to make its way into human hands - but it's here now and there's no stopping it. The way it works, you grab the side of your descending colon, and clamp it down on your skin, and your intestines will get clamped off. This is great for office meetings when you have to make that presentation your boss has been waiting to hear all week, or for when you're trying to impress your girlfriend's parents when you're at their house for dinner, and you can't blame the gas you have on their dog (they have a parakeet!). If you don't want to stain your white pants from a diarrhea stain, clamp this fucker down REAL GOOD and *presto* - problem solved. Just becareful of the BACK-FLOW potential or else your breath will smell like shit, so carry some breath mints as precaution.

Act now and you'll get this complimentary gift as well:

THE COLON CLEANSER

Agent Orange can't hold a candle to this shit. Pun completely intended.

(Not responsible for any side effects such as hallucinations, hair loss, burnt butt-cheeks, vision loss, excessive flatuence, fuzzy tongue, or genetic mutations in offspring. Use at your own risk!)

Heh.

Silent (But Violent) Hill

2006-09-13T20:26:00.000+02:00

Heh.

For some reason I am on a potty-humor kick this week. Who knows why. I just am.

Anycase I was thinking about it - the only way the coolest film so far this year - SILENT HILL could be any cooler, was if someone were to make a PARODY of the film in the same spirit that SCARY MOVIE makes fun of the whole SCREAM trilogy. Simply put, it could be called

SILENT FART

Run with me on this one kids - the story centers around a little girl with an excessive flatulence disorder, caused from eating too many fava beans, over-ripe fruit, and deep-fried foods. As a result, her CROHN'S DISEASE kicks in and she craps her pants. Her mom, hearing that there's this renowned Gastrointestinal doctor by the name of Hugh Jass in some backwoods town in Kentucky, decides to take her daughter there for treatment and possibly a cure.

On the way, they eat at some greasy spoon diner which kicks her Crohn's into over-time, causing thick green fart clouds to appear, turning the locals into zombies. Unfortunately for her, the renowned doctor they're seeking decided to get the fuck outta the sticks and move to Los Angeles, and they're stuck now without a cure. Having to flee for their lives, the green cloud starts to mutate the zombies who in turn crap their pants too. Declaring a catastrophy, the local law enforcement try contacting FEMA in order to evacuate the remaining people from the town, only FEMA is ill-equipped once again to handle such an event, only they don't want to go public and embarass the little girl as well as themselves. So, throughout the entire film they have to convince her to change her diet in hopes the rancid poopy gas will abate and people will return to normal inbred hillbillies that they were to begin with. (side note: Come to think of it....would you rather live in a town full of inbred hillbillies or a town fulla zombies? I suppose there wouldn't be that much of a difference if yah know what I mean...)

As you can see, I tried making a movie poster with my photo editor thing (much thanks to RUCKUS for the inspiration)only it looks hella shitty and very amateurish. What do you expect from some moron on a shoe-string budget? Send me some cash and I'll see what I can come up with next time! Anycase if any of you Hollyweird asshole-types know Jerry and David Zucker (Kentucky Fried Movie, Naked Gun movies, Airplane!) then tell them to contact me and we can talk about a movie deal or something. Heh.

Ground Zero

2006-09-12T20:17:00.000+02:00

Oh my fucking gawd.

This morning I felt the worst tremor of all.

Yes, Manuke the Shit Demon stirred around 4am and awoke me from a dead slumber.

I had to take a royal fucking dump no matter how much I tried to sleep it off. And it was bad too.

Fuck.

I hit that toilet bowl with a serious fucking vengeance like Nagasaki or Hiroshima, leaving a stench that would gag even a maggot. I swear to fucking Christ if it was possible for nuclear fission to take form in the shape of a turd mushroom cloud, it did so in miniscule proprotions, leaving a blast radius of 10 inches in diameter. I mean I felt the fucking shockwaves hit the water, which splashed up and hit my ass in the same manner those education films from the 1950's show the house getting hit by a blast wave. It was insane.

I don't know shit (pun completely intended) about the theory of relativity or subatomic fusion or any of that college crap, but if those assholes at NASA could harness the power that my ass generated this morning, I swear we could've powered NYC for an entire week straight.

Anycase I swear my toilet bowl still has scorch marks and I had best keep my NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) gear handy next time the shit demon stirs. I may have a mini-Chernobyl happen in my bathroom and I don't want the fallout to burn my nuts off for life. More importantly, all these UFO nuts claim up and down that UFOs are attracted to intense radiation readings - perhaps that's why so many people abducted and get an anal probe? They have atomic little shit clouds when they take a dump too and the aliens are doing routine maintenance on their descending colon, which in turn they hook up to power their ship to get home. That's it - that's the secret to UFO abduction and I just solved it!

So. That means I better wear lead underwear to bed tonight in hopes it will keep Manuke the Shit Demon in and those stupid UFO aliens out.

Heh.

Good night.

Heh.

2006-09-11T19:34:00.000+02:00

Not really in too much of a mood to write anything tonight. Don't really care about the whole 9-11 media thing going on either. I could go on some rant but perhaps that's saved better for another time instead.

Jerk off?

Cry?

Look for runaways at the train station?

A jar of peanut butter?

The neighbor's dog?

Dog-turd water balloons?

Heh.

I find myself enjoying video games much more than interacting with the real world around me. People are such total assholes. I hate them which is why I avoid most of them if possible - otherwise they waste my time with inane bullshit. It's bad enough I have to tolerate it at work.

Heh.

It's my battle-cry. My mantra. The dis-illusionment of reality. The jaded resonance from too much bureaucracy clogging my life. Knowing that no matter what you do, none of it will matter even 5 years from now.

Heh.

The sound of bitter indignation thrown back with sarcasm. Fuel for the fire and a beacon in the darkness. A chainsaw for those who can't see the forest for all the trees. A lawnmower for a football field full of asses.

Heh.

When in doubt? Just say HEH. HEH to drugs. HEH to alcohol. HEH to tobacco. HEH to Jesus. HEH to all you can eat buffets. HEH to angry femin-nazi lesbians. HEH to Christian Conservative Republicans. HEH to cry-baby Liberals and Democrats. HEH to your asshole neighbor for being stuck with a fat wife, bratty kids, two car payments and a mortgage, all so he can be "free".

HEH is the answer. HEH is what God said when he made all of this. HEH is the Alpha and Omega. The first and last in all discussions. Without HEH, you can't spell YAHEHWEH.

Heh.

It should be my middle name. The name of this blog. MACHINE'S HEH BLOG. I could forsake any rantings or pseudo-intellectualism and just post the word HEH as my daily update. What did I do today? HEH. Lemme tell yah.

Heh.

If there was a definitive punchline to any joke you could tell, it could easily be HEH. HEH pretty much sums up this blog and all of my collective efforts throughout the years. And the fact I always seem to have an audience regardless of what I post here. I think this blog is the biggest joke of all, with all of you as willing participants. A Divine Comedy for the retarded, with I - your Virgil guiding you through the dumber parts of Hell. My Hell.

Heh.

Bizarre Video Games

2006-09-09T23:45:00.000+02:00

As you assholes know, I LOVE playing video games. There just isn't enough time in the day or my schedule to sit on the couch like some goddamned retard and play these things - unfortunately stupid crap like WORK and FRIENDS always seem to get in the way.

Usually I like sticking to my X-Box or PS2, however there's one website worth checking out:

BIZARRE VIDEO GAMES

Yes kids, this is stuff that people have made and have sent in so then losers like you and me can do stuff besides work when we're stuck at the job. My fave was SHIT WAR - a game where you hurl TURDS at one another in the boy's bathroom.

There's another game called FART FART GAME where you're standing at a Korean bus stop and you have to fart, or else risk shitting your pants, only there's some dude standing next to you and have you to be discrete. Luckily enough, traffic is driving by and you can let one rip each time a car or a truck passes. It's pretty hilarious.

The grossest, but funniest game is ACNE BE GONE where you can squeeze a whole bunch of zits on some dude's face. I remember playing a game similar to this so many years ago, I wish I still had a copy of it on disk somewhere - but this is just as hilarious.

They've got all sorts of other shit on here too that I won't comment on - I'll let you figure what's out there.

But goddammit if that SHIT WAR game isn't the funniest!

Do the Duw

2006-09-09T14:20:00.000+02:00

I saw this license plate the other day and had to take a photograph of it. No kids, I'm not making this up. The Europeans do have a sense of humor, just not so brash as we do.

Goddammit I need to steal this plate and hang it on the wall at home ~!

Don't touch that Kebab

2006-09-07T20:57:00.000+02:00

If you've ever been to Europe you know how much the Europeans love their Doner Kebabs. We call them Gyros in the States, but over here they're known simply as "kebabs". They're pretty tasty too - I've eaten plenty of them for lunch or fighting off a drinking binge at 2am in the morning. Plus you take a really good dump afterwards too.

As you can see here, this huge rack of meat cooks on a turnstile, and it gets shaved off by the cook before it gets handed to you, the customer. While the cooking practices are questionable, I have yet to get sick from eating one of these things. As it turns out, now the quality of the meat is coming into question too - the German media has been having a frenzy on how suddenly all this 7 & 8 year old meat that's been kept in storage is being distributed all over Germany and parts of Italy by some Doner Kebab Mafia of sorts. Obviously the meat shouldn't be sold for human consumption but they're injecting it with blood plasma according to the reports, which will give it a fresh texture and appearance. While it doesn't mention it here, word is that the penalties imposed by the health inspectors are being paid by the mafia since it's considered chump change (E60,000 per violation) since they make millions of Euro annually. While I don't eat out much, this definitely makes me want to order pizza the next time I go out!

So in the spirit of enjoying all things gross and just plain out disgusting, I want to open up MACHINE'S KEBAB STAND in the little village that I live in. I will take anything from road kill to the neighbor's cat and cook the thing on one of these turnstile devices and sell it for mere Euro cents. I could be like that Barth guy from You Can't Do That on Television too where I show the dead carcass to the consumer before grilling it up on the miniature merry-go-round. Or better yet - just have a small carousel of odd creatures you can serve up to eat - and even go so far to mix & match too! Yes, the world can be yours on the tip of your tongue for a small price - and chances are any hallucinations you'd get as a side effect from eating the food would be perfectly legal, so you know I'd have a group of repeat customers! I'd give these mafioso types a run for their money since I would advertise that my product is 100% natural and free of human blood plasma! People would line up for miles too - just you watch.

"You want seconds? Dah, I heard that!!!"

Snakes on a Plane

2006-08-25T05:11:00.000+02:00

Dude.

SNAKES ON A PLANE fucking ROCKED!

This movie had every bad snake joke you've ever heard plus every bad airplane joke you've ever heard and they combine the two perfectly. I was fucking laughing the entire time the film was going and can't believe how many people say the movie sucks. Well FUCK THEM! What the fuck do they know? Are you going to listen to some Hollywood ASSHOLE every time they say some movie sucks or should be made with gold? This movie is 100% pure cheese and doesn't take itself seriously at all - so why should anyone else for that matter?

If you want a really great laugh, go check this film out. Think B-Movie storyline with A-Movie actors. I'm definitely getting the t-shirt for this one.

Christ Illusion

2006-08-15T01:21:00.000+02:00

CHRIST ILLUSION, the new album from SLAYER

SUCKS.

That's right. You read that right.

The new album sucks royal monkey ass and I am completely disappointed that one of the most revered bands I hold in all of rock music made some half-assed shitty album. Their last album - GOD HATES US ALL - was kick ass all the way, and was ironically released on 11 Sep 2001. No shit. They were pushing hard for a release date of 6 Jun 2006 (aka 6/6/06) but it didn't happen due to contractural problems with their distributor, and after hearing this steaming pile of shit I can see why - THE MAN DOWNSTAIRS wasn't going to sullen his good name and an infamous day of the century by having this stinker of an album coincide.

Even more, it's all about the hypocrisy of the Bible and what not - the typical Slayer formula - but I was expecting more of an outlash against these Muslim fundamentalists than just the same old song and dance routine. Tom Araya's lyrics are still excellent and Kerry King still kicks ass on guitar. Jeff Hanneman still plays like a maniac and Dave Lombardi kicks ass on the drums - it's just that you can tell they had NO FOCUS WHATSOEVER when making this album.

I was really disappointed when the new ROB ZOMBIE album tanked this year - fucking GARY GLITTER shit, but this is unacceptable, even by their standards. So, if any of the guys from Slayer happen to come across this blog, they owe me the $9 I paid at HOT TOPIC yesterday when I bought it on sale for half-price. Or at least the money for a 6 pack of beer and a calling card for drunk dialing purposes.

The World's Largest Toilet

2006-08-10T21:56:00.001+02:00

If KING KONG, GODZILLA, and THE INCREDIBLE HULK all had to take a giant crap at once, who do you think would be the first to make it to the bathroom?

I saw this when I went to the Black Forest the other weekend and had to take a photograph of THE WORLD'S LARGEST TOILET. No shit. (Pun completely intended)

So to answer my question, who would be the first to cop a squat on this gigantic fucker? And would they be so polite as to make a courtesy flush as well? And how would they even wipe their ass afterwards and where would the make-shift T.P. go to?

AL BUNDY would weep bitter tears of joy if he could behold such a marvel of craftsmanship as I did that day.....

France is Bitche-n

2006-08-09T19:24:00.000+02:00

Yeah yeah yeah.

Zhombie and titty bars don't mix

2006-08-06T22:24:00.000+02:00

'Nuff said.

Black Rusted Garbage Truck

2006-07-27T22:33:00.001+02:00

Okay.

So I was thinking the other day "What if I can't become a high school janitor if I were to get fired and drive a black rusted van? Then what would I do?"

Such pointless hypothetical questions come to me from time to time, which I usually entertain since I have nothing better to do for the moment. Kinda like wasting time in front of a mirror looking for any zits to squeeze or ingrown hairs to pull out.

So what would I do? Well I figured if I couldn't do the janitor gig, or become an amateur porn star in some trailer park somewhere in Tennessee or Alabama, I would become a Death Metal Garbage Man. That's right. A GARBAGE MAN.

Think about it. I could drive around a black rusted garbage truck and paint all sorts of fucked up Satanic pentagrams and flames on the sides of it. Throw on some barbed wire for decoration and some mannequins that resemble dismembered bodies painted with lots of red paint to resemble blood. Perhaps some ceramic skulls and plastic demons too.I could hook up huge flood lights on the front and on the sides similar to the type emergency service vehicles have for additional safety and lighting.

But here comes the best part - I would hook SPEAKERS up to the outside of the black rusted garbage truck as well - similar to what all those fuck-wit street thugs have in their cars when they drive by pumping their "Crunk" shit and disturbing the peace. Only, instead of some sawed-off ghetto rat's music, I'd play DEATH METAL and the like as I am driving through your neighborhood at 3 am in the morning collecting your trash. I figure why not? After all the ice cream man can get away with playing his music box melodies so why not crank some SLAYER or DIMMU BORGIR as I'm sifting through dirty diapers, dirty syringes, and 3 week left-overs your retarded ass threw out to leave baking all day in the hot sun?

I figure this could be an acceptable profession once I retire or separate if the whole BAD SANTA thing doesn't work out for me. You can even threaten your kids that if they don't clean their plates for dinner, you'll let THE GARBAGEMAN kidnap them the same way our parents filled our heads will bullshit horror stories when we were kids. They'll never be late for supper again.

Zombie Fucker: The Movie

2006-07-23T19:24:00.000+02:00

So I was out with Annette last night - the girl with the big monster tits and the bad grill (remember: Austin Powers grill we're talking) when I was telling her about my idea for a movie. She expressed to me how she likes horror flicks (unusual for a woman) when I decided to run it by her:

ZOMBIE FUCKER: THE MOVIE

The movie takes place in Podunk, USA when there is a meteor shower one night that all the local hillbillies are out sight-seeing. A bright meteor comes streaking from the heavens and lands in a wooded area and some college kids want to go check the thing out. When they arrive at the crash site all they find is a glowing hull that has been hollowed out, and they think nothing of it.

It turns out there were zombies inside the metorite - space trash from URANUS - that was sent our way. It turns out the space aliens there didn't take too kindly to us sending a secret space crew to the planet in attempt to harness their supply of methane, and solving our energy crisis once and for all. The greedy space aliens knowing how important their planet is to us, decided to turn our astronauts into zombies as a way of communicating their displeasure for our interference, but with a twist - they've given the zombies super sexual powers and anyone they fuck will turn into a zombie too, kinda like the way how when a vampire bites you, you become a vampire too.

So the zombies start to wander around and fuck anything with legs - in the spirit of all cheesey B-movies, there's always the big-titted bimbo, the stereotypical slack-jawed yokel, the token black guy who dies for no apparent reason, as well as the college kids who save the day through dumb luck and a cool soundtrack to boot. The zombies will poison our water supply (how else? By taking a dump of course) and will befall misfortunes while wandering around this one-horse town - walk into fire, get electrocuted, get hit by a truck, and piss off the farmer's bull. Comedic relief.

No place would be safe from the zombies either - they'll fuck anything they can get their hands on regardless of its location - the barn, the civic center, the local church, the burger grill too - just don't be surprised if there's extra "secret sauce" on that burger you order!

Finally word gets out that these space zombies were sent in retaliation for our government's meddling, when the National Guard is sent out to clean the mess up. Of course this fails since they're space zombies, and ultimately it's the college kids solution of dumb luck and death metal soundtrack which saves the day. If it's one thing zombies can't survive it's the really loud noise of an electric guitar - makes their heads explode like that 3 day old zit on your face. Splatter EVERYWHERE. One of the stoner kids puts in some DEICIDE while rolling a joint, completely unaware of the zombie waitress behind him that's ready to jump his bones. It isn't until he turns around to see her steaming carcass on the floor does he shit his pants and realize what just happened.

So there yah have it. ZOMBIE FUCKER: THE MOVIE would have all the cheese of a Tobe Hooper film, George Romero, Chucky and Nightmare of Elm Street but would lack the entire porn aspect all together. If the dude who made the film "Lord of the Strings" could get his hands on a copy of the script, he'd be impressed, I guarantee.

Annette just looked at me and laughed when I pitched the idea to her.

The Black Forest

2006-07-15T22:25:00.000+02:00

So today I went to the Black Forest to see what the hell all the fuss has been about the place.

Eh. It's pretty nice I suppose.

I admired the countryside and of course the town I went to - TRIBERG - was a complete tourist trap of sorts. They're out to squeeze every last penny outta you that they can and won't even think twice about it. According to the tour guide the Black Forest has been around for thousands of years and was relatively untouched until the Middle Ages. The Romans were scared shitless of the Black Forest originally and thought the place was haunted due to the fog and the fact the trees are black, and didn't bother much with it when they invaded Germany. In reality I figure they saw how densely wooded the place is and figured what a royal pain in the ass it would be to clear the land out for farming and wine making purposes and left it alone. There's plenty of land available for them to live like the fat lazy slobs they were when they were running around kicking everybody's biblical asses.

I took a bunch of pictures of the place I need to Photoshop and put them up here when I get the time - tomorrow I am going on a Rhine River Cruise so it most likely won't happen any time soon.

I did see this one hot chick that bore a striking resemblance to RUCKUS until she removed her sunglasses and I could see her eyes. She was a little bit taller too.

Oh yeah. And I saw a biker gang of Satanists ride through town. No shit. They all had the Baphomet Pentagram on their riding jackets. I didn't catch their gang name since they were going too fast but I was jealous either way. At the same time I was pissed off they weren't riding HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLES - no no no - they were riding shitty Kawasaki motorbikes or something of the sort. I mean COME ON. No self-respecting biker Satanist would be caught dead on anything less than a Harley. Why not ride a BMX dirtbike instead if you can't afford one - at least the people who ride one of those things have the balls to back up riding one of those rice burners. I pointed them out to my mom and she wanted to know if I wanted to join their gang or not. Oh the irony.

We ended up buying some retarded cuckoo clock that she was whining about all week. It's pretty nice too - all handcarved and plays the song "Edelweiss" whenever the annoying bird starts chirping inside. They had an owl clock (an owl was inside the clock instead of a cuckoo and went "hoo-hoo") but she didn't want that one - nobody did most likely. I didn't buy a clock for myself however I did find a lovely wooden box with the German eagle and the word "Deutschland" carved beneath it. When you opened it up, it had a carved inlay of the Black Forest that is extremely detailed. It was just too beautiful to pass up, so I purchased it. I'll take a photograph of it, and will most likely keep my Baphomet necklace inside it when I am not wearing it.

Anycase tomorrow I'm going to be gone all day again. Maybe I can puke on some other snotty tourist during the boat ride.

Happy 6-6-6 Day

2006-06-06T20:39:00.000+02:00

Yes, today as you all know is 6 June 2006. Or simply

6-6-6 Day

Christians everywhere are holding their breath in anticipation of the appearance or perhaps the birth of their false messiah. They are looking to the Book of Revelations and trying to match up world events with prophesized events that were foretold over 2000 years ago.

Well kids, the Anti-Christ did appear today and if you're lucky, you can still catch him. He appeared at your local mall in the food court, dressed up in a Mexican wrestling outfit, and wearing a little matching cape. Kids get free balloons and he's signing autographs too. If you remember to bring a camera with you, you can get your photo taken with him. During an intermission he will do special wrestling moves for the public while the Satan's Cheerleaders do their pom-pom dances and cheers for the audience. T-shirts and other paraphenalia will be on sale for $6.66 today, but today only, so stock up on gifts for the kids' birthdays, Christmas, and graduation gifts. The buttons with his face make excellent stocking stuffers.

Jesus, as you know, is Messican. Don't believe me? Look at this photo I took at Rothenburg over the weekend as proof! So by default, the Anti-Christ is Messican as well.

And he entered America as an illegal too.

Silent Hill Wrap-Up

2006-05-08T20:22:00.000+02:00

Okay. Enough of the Silent Hill talk already. I'll just wrap things up by saying this is one cool UMD for the Sony PSP titled "The Silent Hill Experience" that I picked up before watching the movie the other day. It has an interview with the film director as well as the Japanese dude who did the score for all the games plus the movie. There is a soundtrack you can listen to as well as the Silent Hill comic books that were inspired by the game series in live-motion, live sound format. There is also some hidden material (bonus videos) you can access if you're clever enough to figure them out.

I hope there is more Silent Hill merchandise available. I need to check out the official website and if they have t-shirts or whatever I'll definitely spend it on this stuff this next paycheck instead of spending it friends and bitches.

Priorities.

Silent Hill Review

2006-05-06T23:00:00.000+02:00

Tonight Zhombie, Dork and I all piled into my car and went to see Silent Hill at the Kino. I think the movie fucking rocked!!!

Essentially they took the first and second Silent Hill games and combined them into a script for the plot of the movie. This doesn't surprise me considering other movies have done essentially the same thing and have been successful. It's the time-old formula that has always been proven to work. They got the little nuances right too - the fog, the gore, the scene in the school bathroom with the guy strung up in the barbed wire and even that Pyramid Head dude too. Of course let's not forget the nurses, the white noise from the radio or the demonic babies either. I'm glad to say the movie did the video game series justice.

My only gripe is that I envisioned Silent Hill to be located in New Jersey, especially upper New Jersey in the pine barrens. If you've ever been up there, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about and why a town like Silent Hill would fit there perfectly. Plus, New Jersey is home to the Jersey Devil, which could also be the demon referenced in the games and movie. In the movie it turns out Silent Hill is located in West Virginia. I'm splitting hairs over something so stupid but goddammit for the longest time I've been telling complete strangers that's where I'm from on the My Space profile I have!

Zhombie and Dork both liked the film as well, and since neither of them have played the game, it's totally awesome they dig it. I hope they make a sequel but most likely they won't. I will go grab it once it makes its way to DVD, and unlike the DOOM movie I have, it won't sit in the original wrapping unopened. Once the movie let out I was somewhat disappointed that I really couldn't relate more to this experience with my friends the way I wanted to. Eh. I suppose that's the price that comes with being a pioneer.

Silent Hill

2006-05-05T19:13:00.000+02:00

Holy Shit. I gotta see this movie. It's at the German cinema (das Kino) and I'm gonna watch it tonight.

For the unenlightened, Silent Hill is a video game series which originated on the Playstation 1 that has spawned 3 sequels on the Playstation 2 (Silent Hill 2,3 & 4 respectively). I picked it up in 1999 and was automatically hooked. Think Resident Evil with a Satanic make-over - it is every bit dark and sinister as you would imagine a game of this nature to be, and have to hand it to the Japanese for making such a kick-ass game that no American company would dare doing since they don't have the same moralistic bullshit cry-baby watch groups dictating what society can and cannot do. Occult games and sexual games are the hot potatos of the console industry that few are willing to touch. My hat off to Konami for having the balls to do such a thing.

I hope the movie does the game series justice. Granted they can't elaborate as much, given the time constraints of the movie and MPAA bullshit standards but all things considered I am keeping high hopes. I have my own ideas about what and where Silent Hill is as a town, so we'll see how different my interpretation is from the movie.

The Machine Challenge

2006-04-03T21:04:00.001+02:00

Listening to the George Carlin CD the other day, it got me thinking about something.

George starts ranting how we've fucked up the American continent by turning it into a giant shopping mall. He continues to blow steam off for about 5 minutes on this topic, how we fucked over the Indians and the Mexicans when we stole America from them and look what we turned it into.

Well boo-fucking-hoo.

I happen to like America the way it is (minus the bullshit politics) and every time I go back to the States, it's a real treat for me to go to a super market, a mall, or a convenience store. What most Americans fail to realize is is HOW GOOD they have it. Instead they whine about everything they take for granted with sarcasm and irreverence.

So listen - all you disillusioned college kids who have never had to work a day in your life - quit spouting Marxist bullshit ideology and take the Machine Challenge. I challenge all you douche-bags out there to spend at least 1 calendar year in some shit hole Third World nation and see how you end up liking it. The nation can be yours of your choosing but highly recommend Saudi Arabia, South Korea, or the entire continent of Africa. If you're pressed for cash, go stay in Mexico. Tijuana is just a hop, skip and a jump from San Diego. While you have "modern" appliances, the fact you're still forced to live in such a shit hole of an environment counts just as good.

Move to some shitty village where you speak very little of the language. Start from square one on this. Learn how to communicate with the locals the old fashioned way - don't demand they speak English. Live in a one bedroom apartment or hutch and figure out how to get around without help or assistance. When you do come to a merchant, see what the quality of the products they sell are. Chances are it's some knock-off or something they managed to pull from the bottom of the barrel. See how long whatever it is you buy lasts, and then how quickly it is you have to replace it. No money-back guarantees, no rebates or exchanges.

Not only that but go without the fast food and trendy restaurants you criticize but yet you secretly eat at. No Burger King, no In-n-Out Burger, no McDonald's or Jack-in-the-Box. You're stuck with whatever local restaurant there is and the health standards are questionable. No Applebee's, TGI Friday's or any of that gay shit you trendy fuckers like to go eat at.

No convenience stores. If you want a Slurpee next time you get gas at the gas station it's not happening. No American products whatsoever. You're stuck choosing between the dried squid roll-up or the pine needle candy for a snack. If it's late and you're hungry and you forgot to get something to eat that day, you're fucked.

I guarantee you that by the end of your 1 year remote in whatever god-forsaken country you choose, you will have a renewed outlook on America and a profound reverence for everything you've taken for granted. Every time I have been stuck in Korea or have been sent to the Middle East (The total for everything is 7), I marvel just how wonderful America really is and how good we have it, yet you cunt-flaps fail to recognize it. It's the same reason why all those goddamned Messicans continue to jump the border - opportunity abounds. Do a mile in my shoes next time you bitch and whine how bad gas prices are and WALK EVERYWHERE. You'll lose weight and shut the fuck up in the process. Two birds, one stone.

So as amusing as I find George Carlin to be, I can't agree with him on this one. If he's become so disgusted with what our country has become, move the fuck out. It's that simple. Don't bitch about a problem unless you're going to do something about it.

Take the Machine Challenge and come talk to me again in 365.

Dog Shit Water Balloons

2006-03-25T07:48:00.001+01:00

I've been pissed off all week at the asshole drivers here in the local area and think it's high time I do something about it. I'm not going to do anything harmful or outright malicious but I will leave a mark if necessary, and I've devised the perfect idea for a weapon.

The Dog Shit Water Balloon

When you were a kid, what were the two most things you were just amazed by? Every time your dog Sparky took a dump in the backyard, you had to go clean it up with a pooper-scooper, and every time you went to go play with your friends on a hot summer day, someone would break out a water balloon eventually and lob it at someone. So why not put 2 + 2 together and make the ultimate prank weapon?

Think about it.

Dog shit has universal application - from doing the "flaming bag of poo" on your front neighbor's doorstep to stepping in it accidentally and tracking it all around your house, it's a substance which has truly yet to be exploited. Just as George Washington Carver devised over 100 uses for the common peanut, yes I, The Machine, will devote my life's work to perfecting an exhaustive study to this truly underappreciated jack-of-all-trades substance. I figure if I can combine equal parts of water and dog turd together to form a liquified mass, I can fill a water balloon with it and use it on some unsuspecting douchebag who cuts me off in traffic next time. Of course I would have to make sure I'm wearing the proper equipment (gloves, goggles, disposable overcoat) as to avoid any accidental discharges, thereby getting splattered.

Since this is extremely low-budget funding, I should be able to pull something like this off. Party balloons usually cost 99 cents a bag, and I think there are a few dog owners I've seen in my village who don't scoop up the dog shit when they're out for a stroll. I've got a tool shed of sorts I can use as a make-shift lab where I can tool about in privacy. If and when I become successful I'll show everyone my handywork here on the blog!

Besides it beats pissing in someone's gas tank and getting caught.

Just plain weird

2006-03-21T19:22:00.000+01:00

So when was the first time you saw something just plain weird? It can be anything too - a ghost, ball lightning, or spontaneous combustion. I would classify UFOs into the "weird" category although if you check out Rense.com, people are seeing them pretty much on a daily basis, so they're out of the category - they're just unexplained. But I'm talking about shit that makes sense but just isn't quite right.

I've seen alot of weird shit in the brief life I've lived - a Korean city bus take the sidewalk during a traffic jam, and a fat kid chug a 24 pack of Dr Pepper at a BloodHound Gang concert for $100, but today topped it all:

- I saw a bird puke on the sidewalk and then start eating its own vomit -

No joke! It was a raven or a crow or something. It was a big bird too and just outta the blue it upchucked what appeared to be some chow hall food. It started pecking away at some of the chunky bits and would occasionally walk off into the grass when a pedestrian walked by or if it got bored and started looking for some bugs to eat instead. After about a minute or two it flew off to do whatever the hell it is that birds do - crap on my car.

My co-workers were astonished that I would get a kick outta something so gross and juvenile but considering that all I spoke about yesterday was how to make a shit bomb for these fuck-wits on the autobahn and piss in someone's gas tank for revenge, they were hardly surprised.

Around the end of the day I saw the same bird come back to its pile of puke and continue to chow down, only the puke puddle had dried on the sidewalk but the remnants in the gutter were still good. The bird was going to town on its afternoon meal while dodging traffic that came its way. I saw what I think was a broccoli sprout too that had been sitting out there all day that it finally chomped on before flying off.

I've seen dogs wipe their ass on carpets and even monkeys at the San Diego Zoo take a shit and then start playing with their poo, but for a bird to puke and then go back to eating it, well that's a first and is just plain weird in my book.

And the fucker still ended up shitting on my car!

Alien Hemorrhoid Cream

2006-03-12T11:10:00.001+01:00

Fuck me running. This cold I've had all week has been really giving me a run for my money. I didn't go out any yesterday since I felt like shit and didn't want to deal with the freezing rain. I figured since Crazy-woman Sheehan wasn't going to show up to this protest, why drag my ass out there just to see a bunch of fuck-holes yell at eachother? You can go to a Phillies game and see the same thing.

So, I just stayed inside and played Area 51 on my X-Box. That dork David Duchovny plays the main character (you) of a Hazmat Team that's supposed to go in and contain an outbreak. I've had limited Hazmat Training from when I was an EMT and thought it was pretty cool that I could relate to at least this part of the game. Turns out the game is full of all the same UFO bullshit and conspiracy theory crap you get from the X-Files, only there's no Scully chick running around being annoying as hell. Bwa ha ha ~ ! That dude has become so type-casted he'll never have any other kind of acting job than that. He'd even bend over backwards and do hemorrhoid cream commercials just to break the Hollywood stereotype I'd bet! Maybe he could combine the two and say "Next time you get an anal probe in Uranus, try Ass-steroids! The cream that wipes out Klingons!"

Marilyn Manson also does the voice of this retarded-looking alien that resembles a deformed fetus or perhaps an abortion that lived. I like Marilyn Manson's music and his autobiography and have respect for what he's done challenging the Religious Reich. I just hope now that his music career has been washed-up he'll focus more on pissing off people everywhere and not lame cameos in video games.

Speaking of lame, because I've been out all week, I haven't bothered shaving and was sporting one of those faggy Euro beards that the dork from Star Trek was wearing. Number 1 or whatever he's called. I had to shave it off today since tomorrow I have to go back to work. I was pimpin' with the faggy Euro beard the other day too - 3 different people I know saw me and said I looked like a local. Heh. Cool. Now all I need to do is to go every third day without a shower and start wearing the banana hammock-style underwear and I'll blend right in perfectly.

Ugh. But still. I think there's some kinda flu pandemic going around or some shit. Even some of my friends back in the States are sick as dog shit and they haven't been to Europe any time soon either. Heh. Makes me wonder when the next "big one" is gonna hit? Eh - we're overdue another Black Plague the way I see it. Who knows? Maybe it's a conspiracy!

Gandalf

2006-03-06T20:59:00.001+01:00

There's this retiree dude that roams Ramstein and the KMC area. He's way fucking old and looks like he could croak at any minute. How this dude gets around I have no idea since his health is horrible and has resorted to using two walking canes for movement. I call the dude "Gandalf" since he resembles that guy from the Lord of the Rings movie - whatever the hell his name is.

Zhombie thinks the guy is a retired E-7 and lives in dumpsters. According to him, the guy is mean as hell and has a rap sheet the size of a collegiate dictionary for all the times he's been picked up by the cops for whatever reason - being disorderly or vagrancy. See, the military doesn't like to admit that they have a homeless population of retirees running around that can be witnessed at most passenger terminals and the food court area of the base or post exchange. It would reflect poorly on the system since we're conditioned to believe how we're all super heroes that can bend the fabric of space and time, and to admit that someone has served his purpose and can't survive outside the system would be a disgrace. So, we sweep them under the rug like they're not there. Anycase, Zhombie told me how people will try to do nice things for him, only he'll snap their fucking heads off within a split second. One chick he works with even went so far as to try to give him a cup of coffee one day, only Gandalf told her to fuck off as he knocked the drink out of her hands. Heh.

I saw Gandalf yesterday and today. He was sleeping in the food court at one of the tables and resembled one of those little garden gnomes you see laying around. If I had my camera with me, I'd snap a photo and post it here for everyone to see. I'm half-tempted to see how far I can push the guy before he gets pissed and starts yelling at me sometime. Maybe steal his cane or knock the hat off his head and then run away real quick. If he truly sleeps in a dumpster I'm curious which one it is, so I can throw meat scraps in there so alley cats will bother him in the middle of the night. All that meowing and cat piss - the scent will never get out of his clothes.

If I ever make a cheesey B-movie I will definitely use him as comic relief. Perhaps I can do my own version of Lord of the Rings or its parody Lord of the Strings as a way of making it happen. Eh. Who really cares? I just wanna get the dude on tape before he kicks the bucket!

Black

2006-03-04T17:07:00.000+01:00

Oh dear.

And I was so looking forward to studying this weekend.

I bought the X-Box version today from the BX and have yet to open it. I'm afraid to really since I want to pass my final AND make rank this time.

Decisions, decisions.

Double-Test

2006-03-04T12:52:00.000+01:00

Okay all you retards on the short bus....I'm gonna be busy this upcoming week. I have my German final I will be studying for as well as testing for rank. I will be bouncing between one source to the other and most likely won't be doing much in the way of updating the blog. Unless of course, something really cool happens when I'm taking a break and have to go out for something, things are going to be pretty dull.

Who knows. I might get a wild hare up my ass - the Trix Rabbit perhaps - and blog about my youth or something equally amusing in my off-time. Either way if things are slow for this week, that's the reason why.

Anycase I made a bunch of drunk dials last night after slamming 8 or so beers. Heh. Talk of sexual harassment versus $3.99 a minute, midgets, and sending women the photograph of some black dude hung like a mule, and pretending that it's my photo were discussed.

And alot of belching.

Lots of belching.

Dare I say the only time I am tolerable by most standards is when I'm drunk and you bitches can be the judge of that. I even had to take a really nasty beer shit this morning too. Nothing like that to give Manuke the Shit Demon a little something extra as means of appreciation. Even shit demons need to feel like they're special from time to time.

Return of Manuke the Shit Demon

2006-02-22T20:38:00.000+01:00

Fuck.

This morning at 2 am I was awakened by Manuke the Shit Demon. I went to bed after watching my Frank Zappa DVD and was sleeping soundly until I felt that oh-so familiar tug on my Descending Colon that could only mean one thing.

HE'S BACK.

The way I see it, Manuke demands an offering at least quarterly. I figure this out since the last time I was bothered was in December when Zhombie and I went out for Kebabs at this local Turkish place. I've had one or two since then and nothing has happened, yet last night I eat a cup of ramen noodles (I still have a shitload of those boxes I'm trying to finish off) and some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - relatively harmless by my standards. So, by guessing how this happens, I figure it's about every 3 months or so that I have to get on the commode and give the Underworld its due.

I wonder if there's a way I can mail my ass to Japan where Manuke can live in his natural environment? Or get a colon transplant? Perhaps what's really needed is a Holy Water enema - flush this fucker out - I think this little bastard is messing with my Third Chakra or some shit. If that doesn't work then I will go find a fortune teller and have her do a reading on MY ASS the same way a phrenologist can predict the future by studying the shape of someone's head. If it involves an anal probe or a finger up the butt then forget about it - the Machine doesn't do FOD in the poop-chute. I wonder what a hemorrhoid means in Japanese mythology? If it's truly symbolic then I can take a dump on one of those Rohrschatz cards the psychologists use and they can intrepret what they see instead.

All I know is that I was starting to fall asleep tonight in my German class despite my pounding heavily caffinated drinks. I'm going to call it a night and catch up on the lost rest I need. Right now, somewhere between my large intestines and my small intestines, he plots yet another attack. Hurricane Manuke will strike the toilet bowl like Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on Louisiana.

I can almost hear the little fucker laughing.

To do list

2006-02-21T19:51:00.000+01:00

What it would be like to bang a chick with a hairlip? Or a midget for that matter? Or perhaps some other freak of nature?

Granted I've been around the block a few times with women of all different shapes and sizes - tall chicks, short chicks, gorgeous chicks, ugly chicks, skinny chicks, fat chicks and chicks of just about every ethnic background. I'm still looking to bang an Indian/Pakistani chick on the list as well as an Arab if given the chance. Maybe I should try New York City as much as that place disgusts me.

So, here's the list. I'm all out for new horizons and what not. Chances are this shit will never happen since I've been sprayed with more fuck-repellent than the Elephant Man himself, so take it with a grain of salt:

A chick with a hairlip.

A midget chick.

A blind chick.

~~A deaf chick.~~ Done. Twice even.

An amputee chick.

A wheel-chair chick.

A Siamese Twin chick.

A regular Twin chick.

A hairy chick.

A goth chick.

A burnt-out porn star/titty dancer chick.

A lazy-eyed freak chick.

A freaky-deaky Dutch chick.

A dyke chick.

A dork chick.

I know what you're thinking - NO - no chicks with dicks! You sick fuck.

A washed-up rock star chick. (Hello, are The Donnas available?)

A.....

Aw fuck it. This shit's retarded and once again I prove how nothing is sacred on the Short Bus.

Eh. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

And finally, a chick with no sense of humor.

HA!

Vampire movies suck

2006-02-05T18:20:00.000+01:00

Goddammit.

Avoid this piece of shit stinker film if you know what's good for you.

Vampire movies were cool when you were a kid - like 5 or 6 years old. They scared the piss outta yah and you thought Dracula would come bite you while you were sleeping. Or if you were me, you really dug the shit and wanted to be a vampire until your dad took you to see Star Wars for your 6th birthday. Bella Lugosi, Christopher Lee - the acting was great and it lead lots to the imagine.

Not so now.

Underworld Evolution is a fucking waste of film. Kate Beckinsale is definitely a hot piece of ass to look at, but aside from the immediate eye candy, the movie goes limp - just like my dick after all day jerking off. I was bored with the entire film from start to finish with its substandard plot and was hoping it would pick up at any moment. Before I knew it the film was over with both vampire and were-wolf bad guys dying. I should've known better than to see the sequel considering I wasn't impressed with the original Underworld.

What royally pissed me off is how during the film everyone was getting up every 5 minutes or so to walk up the aisle. Stupid goddamned teenagers primarily. Some woman brought her goddamned 2 year old to the film also, which would not shut the fuck up to save its life. A key part of the film is playing and the fucking toddler is making bird calls or some shit. If she was considerate she'd take the kid outside or whatever but she wasn't about to do that. Fucking ghetto as she wanna be.

Base theaters are notorious for these ass-hats for some reason - perhaps it's just the segment of society that joins the service - who knows. I have yet to see the shit happen in a normal civilian movie theater. I remember seeing The Punisher and The Devil's Rejects in the theater and within 5 minutes, any cry-baby or noise-maker was outta the facility. Parents were good about taking their kids out, especially if it wasn't appropriate for them to be watching. All I know is that the German movie theater (Kino) is worth paying the extra Euro to go see these films since I don't have to deal with the shit.

And they don't show stupid vampire movies.

Soul$

2006-02-01T20:27:00.000+01:00

"I always spell Satan with a dollar sign - if there's anything I want I just make it mine" - Reverend Thomas Thorn, lead singer of the Electric Hellfire Club.

Tonight's topic is about another video game idea I have. Soul$ (Souls). It came to me last week and chances are someone else has already thought of this, so if that happens to be the case then I'll give them props for thinking of this first before I did. But if not then I claim complete ownership of this idea and if you rip it off I will find you and sue your fucking ass for millions. So be forewarned.

The idea of the game is that you're a demon-in-training who just arrived in Hell. In life you were a ruthless CEO of a major corporation and sold everything decent about yourself in order to make a buck. You died in a freak accident when the city garbage truck ran you over at a cross-walk because the brakes failed and off to Hell you went. Well, the Man Downstairs being ever vigilant, took note of your talent in life and decided to give you a second try in the Afterlife at Hell, Inc., Corporate Headquarters building, 12th Circle of Hell, as a flunkie for all the other demons.

You start out having to manage the First Circle of Hell, Sim-City style by managing the souls that are there. Souls are the equivalent of money and the better you manage your "cash", the sooner you'll get promoted to more responsibility. Souls are important since they fuel the process that makes precious metals in the earth's crust, which in turn creates man to sin even more. The more souls that go after gold, silver and what not in turn help you upgrade the tortures of the damned in whatever level of Hell you're working on, which in turn produces finer quality gold, silver, etc.

After a while, your reputation and standing within Hell, Inc. will increase with the better assignments you manage. You will be able to enlist the aid of lesser demons to help with the taskings, in exchange for a cut of the profits. Eventually you will manage all 12 Circles of Hell, making Lucifer so happy he'll give you a shot at running planet Earth for him. You would start out geographically in the poorer countries since they're less populated and then work your way up to the larger countries by enticing mankind with the 7 Deadly Sins. And the cool thing would be that you could upgrade sins after a while too. Within Lust for example, you would upgrade from Lust to Pornography to Prostitution. With Greed you would upgrade from Greed to Theft to Extortion. Sloth would start out as Sloth, then to entertainment then to folly and so on. The more powerful you become in the game, the more people, demons and angels will pay attention to you. People will make pacts with you in return for what they want and you have to deliver the goods if you want their souls. They'll be worth more than normal souls so it would be in your best interest to stay on top of their wants, and in turn they will spread your message through the media, music, crime, and so on. Other demons will see you and get jealous and as a result try to sabotage your efforts. You will have to be sneaky and play dirty pool by tricking them or guaranteeing something in return to them.

The really fun part of the game would be when religious zealots, tele-evangelists and angels come knocking on your door, starting up all sorts of shit. You could easily kill them, but the real fun would be turning them to your side and making them work for you as well. Use sin as your primary weapon to catch them off-guard and then humiliate them before other people. Angels can be converted to demons, but only through special techniques. The game would end when you have control over both Hell and Earth together.

I envision the game to be somewhat like Sim City, although I'd like to throw some Grand Theft Auto elements in there as well. By that I mean you can pick and choose which missions you want to take on, since they would all add to your experience level and you wouldn't be able to progress through the game until all requirements for that area had been met. The upgrades to the 7 Deadly Sins would be similar to weapons upgrades you find in most games as well. With a little finesse and group brainstorming, I think this game could really make a soul or two -er- buck or two.

Again, if you're in the video game industry or have connections, get with me off line if this sounds like it will work.

Video Game Movies

2006-01-20T21:20:00.000+01:00

Most video game movies suck.

Doom.

Tomb Raider 1 & 2.

Alone in the Dark.

House of the Dead.

What compels Hollywood to crank out these stinker films I don't know, but for some reason I always remain hopeful that someone will get the formula right for once and make a really kick-ass film.

Well. Almost.

I went to see the film Grandma's Boy tonight - a film about a 35 year old loser who tests video games for a living that gets evicted from his apartment when his roomie fails to pay the rent. See, his roomie has an addiction to Filipino hookers and instead all the money went to them. As a result he's forced to go live at his grandma's house and deal with her fucking old biddy roomies as well.

This film is an Adam Sandler movie, believe it or not. I think Adam Sandler is annoying as hell and usually avoid films with him starring as the main character, however this film does justice. It rightfully stereotypes every kind of video game dork that's out there from the fat 500 pound blubbering piece of whale shit to the scrawny nerd that dresses like he's a double from The Matrix. They're pretty brutal with the insults and rightfully so. The crowning piece is when David Spade plays a gay waiter in some New-Age restaurant they all go to - if you've ever seen the film Joe Dirt then you know how fucking hilarious he can be at times. Rob Schneider makes a cameo early in the film as well but isn't anywhere near as funny.

What the fuck possesses people to fucking geek out? I mean shit, I love video games as much as the next person but I'm not going to be some fucking dork who dresses up like Super Mario at the next gaming convention. I shit you not. Grown people do this crap all the time and think they're cool. I saw this especially at the San Diego Comic Con this past July and wondered what the fuck was going on. I can understand a kid in elementary school doing it or even a kid in kindergarten but a GROWN FUCKING MAN? Fuck me running.

Anycase everyone who has ever picked up a controller and played Legend of Zelda or Halo will really have a blast with the film. Any pissed off girlfriend or wife whose man pays more attention to his X-Box than her will have all the more reason to hate video games after seeing this. It makes me wish I was dating someone right now just so I could rub it in her face or something.

Oh yeah. And the fat kid gets laid in the film by a hot chick with huge tits.

Fucking awesome.

Like a Baby Carriage full of Porn

2006-01-13T19:20:00.000+01:00

Okay.

In the words of the infamous Buzz Burbank from the Don & Mike Radio Show - "Like a Baby Carriage full of Porn" - I can't believe the Germans are this depraved. I mean holy shit - this is low even for me - sticking a goddamned sex shop next to a kid store.

Just. Plain. Wrong.

Eh. Oh well. At least if I ever have any kids I'll know where to go clothes shopping for elementary school as well as for junior high and high school. My kid will be a freak in the 8th grade. Not only will he get a sandwich in his lunch bag but also a choker and furry handcuffs.

A Mini-Machine.

Jeezus Fucking Christ, people.

Fuck me running.

The Spring Chicken

2006-01-09T19:03:00.001+01:00

I have this piece of shit 1991 BMW, German specs. Well, almost. Juicy Girl is supposed to give me the title soon and then it will be all mine! When we actually get around to doing it will be anybody's guess but I've been driving it and keeping it running in the meantime.

I've given it the name "Spring Chicken" because it ain't.

I swear, this car is on its last fucking legs and would be considered a death-trap on wheels to most. But what the hell - it runs and there are no visible rust spots. Just a shitty faded maroon paint job.

When I first got this bitch it was missing the front grill section. Apparently it suffered a bird strike, taking out the trademark front end of the vehicle, and you could still see all sorts of pin feathers stuck to the car's intake. It's missing a front hub cap and the driver window is broken. One of the front lamps is out and the car reeks of gasoline. I was driving it Saturday and the handle for the sun roof falls off in my lap, just outta the blue. When I take it on the autobahn it starts shaking horribly at around 80-100 km like it's going to explode. Chances are it won't pass inspection if/when we take it to the place to change the title over!

Now as much as the Spring Chicken is a fucking eyesore and a liability, I FUCKING LOVE THIS CAR. I dunno why either. It's got a style all to itself. Granted I'll never pick up any chicks driving this rust-bucket or look cool like all the homies but it's definitely distinctive and right up my alley. Maybe I should do that sometime. Try to pull some bitches with this POS monster. It would be the ultimate tribute to loser guys everywhere. My ilk.

I took the car into Kaiserslautern this weekend to the Army Surplus store they have and it handled nicely all the way down. I bought a kick-ass Bundeswehr Gore-tex jacket and matching pants, and purposely left the doors unlocked to see if anyone would fuck with it. Not at all. It's naturally an anti-theft device of its own - like being born with a lifetime supply of fuck-repellent already sprayed on you. I bought a replacement grill for 20 Euro and popped the fucker right in and got an oil cap and a replacement bulb from the junkyard, only I think it's the fuse and not the bulb. Trying to figure out which fuse it is in German is fucking impossible. I think I'll do the Eeny-meeny-miney-moe technique and hope for the best.

I'll be sad but kind of relieved if I end up junking the Spring Chicken. This thing should be dead already in dog years and frankly dumping anymore real cash into its upkeep just isn't worth it, kinda like throwing Grandpa Simpson into the retirement home. Still, it's a mean ride and gets me where I need to go!

Punk Rock Documentary

2006-01-08T10:12:00.000+01:00

Punk documentary delves into 'American Hardcore'

By Greg Prato
Sat Jan 7, 3:11 PM ET

NEW YORK (Billboard) - What is considered punk rock and hardcore nowadays has evolved considerably since the early '80s, a point proven by the new documentary, "American Hardcore: The History of American Punk Rock 1980-1986."

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The 90-minute feature, which premieres at the Sundance Film Festival later this month, boasts footage from numerous bands, including Minor Threat, Black Flag and Suicidal Tendencies.

The movie was put together by Paul Rachman (best known for directing videos for Alice In Chains, Temple Of The Dog and Pantera) and writer Steven Blush (who wrote the 2001 book "American Hardcore").

"There's this 'History of Rock'n'Roll' series -- one of them by the PBS, the other by the BBC," Blush tells Billboard.com. "I saw both, and they get to this point in history. They talk about the Sex Pistols and the Clash, they talk to Exene (Cervenka) and X ... and they go straight to Nirvana. It just kind of sent me on this journey to figure this out, and manifested itself five years later in the 'American Hardcore' book."

Blush and Rachman have known each other since the '80s, when they crossed paths as fans of the east coast punk/hardcore scene. "Steve was in D.C., I was in Boston," explains Rachman. "I knew who he was, and in New York we became more aware of each other. I moved back in 2000, ran into him on the street and he says, 'I'm finishing up this book, "American Hardcore."' It instantly clicked in my head -- this is a great film, and we're the guys to do this. In December 2001, shortly after his book was published, we went to Boston, and did a first set of interviews. We ended up doing 115 interviews and finding about 100 hours of rare stock footage and hundreds of photographs."

Rachman admits it was difficult to unearth this footage. "This is before even the VHS video revolution -- '80, '81, '82," he says. "It was really hard to find documentation -- particularly video documentation. If a kid was lucky enough to borrow his dad's VHS camcorder, he would go to a show, shoot a full day of shows and shoot everything on 'six-hour-mode.' And that's the master -- those are the tapes we found."

Highlights include rare live clips of Bad Brains (their first-ever Philadelphia performance, circa 1981), MDC and Negative Approach, as well as countless interviews. "I think the most interesting thing to me was to see what has happened to people," Blush points out. "When we go see Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, it's this mansion up in the hills in Malibu, and then on the other hand, you see how poor some of these people are, and how bitter some of these people are -- people who did not get their due."

Asked what he'd like viewers to get out of the film, Blush explains, "You see all these bands today and they act all hard and intense. (But) these guys were intense. These guys walked the walk and didn't brag about it. We screened this to very few people, but (in one audience) was an 18-year-old kid. At the end of it, he was like, 'Wow, kids my age are really going to be bummed out, because they're going to see they're not real compared to this stuff."'

-----------------------------------

I am glad that SOMEONE is finally putting together something to show what the whole punk rock scene was all about - while I'm an avid death metal head, I can appreciate The Ramones, The Clash, The Damned, PIL, Wendy O. Williams and Patty Smith for what they all had a hand in starting. Kids today just suck. Period. Bands like Fenix TX, Blink-182, Sum 41, and MxPx aren't punk. They think they are but they're too happy with their angst and self-deprecation and too whiney when they sing. Real punk rock was about not giving a shit. Henry Rollins and Glen Danzig are some of the few surviving pioneers of that era and sadly enough they've pursued other interests as they've seasoned and matured.

I hope that someone will do the same thing for the whole goth movement too - show kids today how the early 80's scene was and how wrong they have it now. I remember some fucktard thinking he was goth wearing an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt, his hair spiked and black lipstick. And if any of you remember the Cattygoths website, there was some dumbass that wore a Veggie-tales shirt and called himself Goth4Christ. No piercings, tatts, fetish wear or anything to set him remotely apart from his sheeple brethren.

Dave Wyndorf of Monster Magnet fame commented how the music scene is just so divided - there are no boundaries anymore. Corporate Execs willing to make a buck at any cost have kids so confused as to what's what. "It used to be you would offer the kid either a cookie or a lollipop for dessert and that's all they got. Now, it's the cookie, the lollipop, ice cream, a piece of cake or a candy bar. Kids want it all and nobody is saying 'no'". I can't agree more. Perhaps someone will do the same for the metal scene too.

Slasher Santa

2005-12-15T19:22:00.000+01:00

Holy shit! I think someone's been reading my blog or something. Check it out:

Slasher Santa Article

Hail Santa!

My Shit Demon

2005-12-14T09:39:00.000+01:00

I honestly believe I have a new demon in me. Not that having demons in me bothers me or anything - hell it makes life interesting and there's rarely a dull moment. Besides how else do you think I come up with half the shit I blog here? I consider them to be my muse and gladly accept the symbionic role we share.

But this one's different.

See, for the past few years - at least since 2002, I've noticed there's something horribly wrong in my life. It first happened when I was living in Japan and chalked it up to being nothing more than a bad hot dog on a stick I had purchased from the local Lawson mini-mart. I didn't pay any attention to it but the other night I put two and two together - I am being possessed by a SHIT DEMON - and I shit thee not! Pun completely intended.

It seems when I eat a really good meal, I don't have to crap right away. Usually the urge to take a giant dump hits me in the middle of the night - usually around 2am or something. It royally sucks too because I'm fast asleep, usually enjoying my rest, when I wake up and feel the tug on my descending colon and the sharp pain like someone is squeezing the turd out, like their hand is clenched with a firm grasp that won't let go. I have to shit right away OR ELSE crap my bed sheets and deal with the consequences come morning. It happened the other day when I had one of those really good Turkish Doner Kebabs for lunch when I was out at Sembach. I was awoken around midnight to the rattling sensation in my bowels when I had to go take care of business. It was fucking sick too - like someone had taken a shotgun and had blasted it point blank in the toilet bowl. And then - out of nowhere - I heard this sinister laughing - like some demented elf or troll had finally decided to reveal itself, and THE WORST odor I ever smelled too! Through the stench fumes and the pale moonlight coming through the window I thought I could make out a vapor form dart its way across the room and off into the darkness of the shadows to celebrate another fecal victory.

I know that little bastard is lying in wait once again for me to eat a good meal before striking once again, be it a large pizza, another Doner Kebab, or a few pints of beer and a tasty schnitzel, and when he strikes, I'm going to light a fire-cracker and shove it up my ass to show him who's boss once and for all!!! Of course I could just simply OPEN THE WINDOW and let the demon escape that way to bother someone else, but what fun would that be?

Considering this first happened in Japan, I'll christen the spirit as "Manuke the Japanese Shit Demon" since "Manuke" in Japanese means "Asshole". Japanese lore tells of the Kappa which are demons that live by open bodies of water waiting to pull people and animals under so they can suck their souls out through their assholes and one of my co-workers at Misawa would tell his children there was a Kappa hiding inside the toilet in their bathroom just for shits n' grins. He might've been joking but goddammit if the shit's not for real!!!

So is there any Holy Toilet Paper I can wipe my ass with? I wanna give this fucker a run for its money although I might get a rash or something in the process. Unlike the other blasphemies I cherish, Manuke the Japanese Shit Demon could really fuck things up for me if I bag a chick from the local pub one night, or go camping in the woods and end up getting a tick on my ass in the middle of the night. More importantly I don't think the German plumbing can take the havoc I wreak on the commode like this and it's only a matter of time before my landlord say something to the German Health Department. The last thing I need is to be out 300 Euro to replace the toilet bowl and to be forever blacklisted by the local government! So I'm up for ideas people. Lemme have 'em.

More Bad Christmas gifts

2005-12-11T15:17:00.000+01:00

Okay - you guys really dug that shit, as witnessed by the spike in visits I had the other day. So, since one good turn deserves another, here are more bad Christmas gifts that your family deserves:

9. Severed head tether ball and bloody torso play set - This little beauty I thought of a while ago when I was taking the Bullet Train (Shinkansen) from Tokyo back up to Northern Japan where I used to live. Something was making a shit load of noise in the back of the train and the girl I was with at the time started bitching about it. Jokingly I said there were two demons in the back knocking around a bloody torso for fun - and now you can too! Great for kids of all ages, the severed head tehter ball set is fun for the whole family! Start out with a warm-up by knocking the decapitated skull around and once it's been completely obliterated, move on to the bloodied torso. Knock it around for hours on end with sticks, baseball bats, and broomsticks. When you're done, clean up is a cinch! The family dog will never beg at the dinner table again.

10. Loaded mousetrap in the stocking - Another great holiday gift. Go to the hardware store, buy a six-pack of mousetraps and once you've armed them, slide them down the stockings with care. You'll know if they've been warmly recieved with a 5am rush to the Emergency Room.

11. Machine's Glory Hole Theme Park - Located in the back of the black rusted van, you'll spend hours cramped in a dark box while servicing visitors from all walks of life. Never a dull moment or a dry face, you'll never go hungry either!

12. Firecracker in the hamster's ass - Your little brother's hamster will never be the same, nor will your little brother. Make sure to wear safety goggles since it can be quite messy! (Disclaimer: Do not light the firecracker in the hamster's ass after shoving the hamster up your own ass. Results will be comical.)

13. Audio cassette recording of me screaming obscenities - This is my favorite of all. It's a cassette recording of me screaming profanities at the top of my lungs while playing video games, driving in traffic, or while jerking off to midget porn. A great Secret Santa present for the office parties, especially with the Mormons and Fundamentalist Baptists in mind. If my Demon-possessed rants don't get the Holy Ghost in them, nothing will.

14. Crowbar to the face - A timeless classic. Comes with cheery holiday colors - red blood, white teeth, and the green money you collect afterwards.

15. Eyeball Christmas tree decorations - An assorted variety of excluded eyeballs from all walks of life - instead of hanging those crappy holiday decorations you get from the store, string some of these fuckers up instead! And if you still have the severed head left over from the Severed head tether ball game, put that on top of the tree instead some stupid angel! Come individually packaged or in strings of 50 on rusty barbed-wire.

And Finally -

16. The Angry Black Jesus Nativity Set - Something the front yard and for all the neighbors to behold. Gone is the traditional nativity scene and in its replacement is an illuminated 7 foot tall Black Jesus plastic statue, adorned with the 3 Korean grocery store owners as the wise men. Comes with over 30 different phrases for the holidays to spread tidings of cheer and good will. Hear the angry Black Jesus talk trash in ebonics, telling people to get their ass to church and to "represent" this season, or for "The Man" to quit oppressing people everywhere around the world. (Any resemblance that Angry Black Jesus has to Mr T is purely coincidental.)

Having said all of this, NO MORE Bad Christmas gift ideas will be posted this year.

All done!

Bad Christmas gifts

2005-12-08T18:12:00.000+01:00

You know, I hate all this stupid shit you see every holiday season - and you know what I mean. Stupid shit that kids just GOTTA have - like the new Furby doll or the Pokemon video game. Hell even for a while there, those annoying Tele-Tubbies were all the rage. Parents would fight fucking tooth and nail just to get their goddamned brats some stupid hunk of plastic they'll take out of the box and play with for a day or two before abandoning it completely just to go fuck off and play with all their old toys. Well, if I was Santa Claus, I would make sure these new gifts would make the list! These are just plain WRONG and I'm glad I thought of these things. For all the Jewish kids in the audience out there, imagine getting this shit for 7 days straight for Hannukah?!?! Hell yeah! And since Kwanzaa is trying to establish itself as an official holiday, what better way to serve the black community than with some of these gift sets? Yes, I'm an equal-opportunity offender. So, if you've got the cash, I've got the trash and I'm not ashamed to sell my soul if you're dumb enough to buy this shit. Here goes:

1. The Little Tyke Prison Play Set - Does your precocious kindergartener seem to have TOO MUCH energy? Get your rambunctious 5 year old the Little Tyke Prison Play Set! He can pretend he's a repeat offender with this all-in-one playset. Comes complete with a little orange jumpsuit, a plastic shiv, bar of soap, candy cigarettes, plastic dumb-bells and Cracker Jack prize tattoos. Get him prepped for his future now while he's still young and impressionable, especially how to shower without becoming someone's bitch.

2. The Virtual Crack Baby - Years ago when the Tamagotchi Pet was all the rage, kids were going bonkers for some crappy animal they had to care for. Well, what better way to celebrate the gift of giving than with an addiction? Found in the dumpster behind a convenience store located in inner-city Detroit, the Virtual Crack Baby needs a home and a care-taker. Administer proper doses of Narcan along with Lithium for those grand mal seizures he may experience. Just watch out for the contact high when he pukes and goes through withdrawls. And just like the real thing, the Virtual Crack Baby will die within a week regardless of what you do.

3. Help! My Cat is on Fire! - I predict this one will be a real holiday-stopper since it costs just $1.19 for the entire set. Get one Bic Lighter from the grocery store, and the neighbor's cat. Put two plus two together and voila. Fun for the whole block. A real hot item.

4. The Fisher-Price Black Rusted Van Play Set - Yes, you too can own a miniature Black Rusted Van complete with a 6 inch action figure (read: doll) of me, The Machine for your kids to play with. Just like GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip, the playset will include toy shotguns, knives, for your Machine doll to menace other action figures with and will also include a miniature net to throw on your Star Wars action figures so he can do fucked up shit to them in the back of the van. Keep him out of little Susie's toy box if you don't want to wake up in the morning and wonder why Strawberry Shortcake's head is missing and the Barbie dolls all have their eyes gouged out.

5. Amputee Trading Cards - Just like baseball cards, but only better! These are real life photos of amputees who have lost limbs and other body parts due to land mines, auto accidents, industrial machinery and other freak accidents of man and nature. Think you're cool with those Star Wars cards? Garbage Pail Kids? Fuck no! Get that pussy shit outta here! Amputee Trading Cards are the new rage this holiday season.

6. My First Snuff Film Set - Are the In-Laws getting on your fucking nerves? The nosy neighbor across the steet not minding his goddamned business again? Well here you go! My First Snuff Film Set comes with the essentials you'll need to get rid of those unwanted visitors once and for all. Includes a burlap sack to conceal your identity with, 2 knives, a meat cleaver, a wrench, sledge hammer, gasoline can and 50 feet of barbed wire. You provide the video camera and let your imagination do the rest! Great for that wood shed in the back, abandoned barn in the countryside, or isolated spot in the woods.

7. Smack My Bitch Up - Consists of 1 bottle of Jack Daniels and a leather belt with a brass buckle. You know what to do.

And finally

8. Drug Dealer: The Video Game - Sell drugs to everyone from kids on the street to CEO white collar criminals - you're on your way up to the top! Pay off dirty cops and fight rival drug dealers while getting new customers to buy your blow. Avoid getting hooked on your own product and eating up profits or else frame your flunky if you don't want to sleep with the fishes. Get arrested and see the kid who 20 years ago got the Little Tyke Prison Play Set as a gift sharing the same cell with you!

Yes I know.

I'm going to Hell.

The Machine Show

2005-11-30T16:44:00.000+01:00

Last night I was watching The Man Show Season 3 on DVD and laughing my ass off hysterically, like I normally do when watching the exploits of Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel. Those 2 guys definitely had a formula that worked well and when Comedy Central tried replacing them with those 2 boobs, no wonder it fell apart with the first episode. It just didn't carry the same weight the original series did.

It got me to thinking about possibly having my own show - The Machine Show - where it would be a pale imitation of the show they have, just 10 times more twisted and fucked up than theirs. Here's the kinda thing I was thinking about:

The Machine Show - starring ME, The Machine

Show opens up with me coming out on stage with a black rusted van behind me, painted with all sorts of fucked up shit, with me telling a bunch of dirty jokes. Nothing is sacred either. The Man Show has "Juggies", I have "Slutties" - titty dancers who hop around and give studio members lap dances at random. All of this while the audience drinks shots of Jack Daniels - Man Show was limited to just beer.

Then I move to the Asshole of the Week award - this is given to anyone I know from co-workers and family members alike to public figures and a short bio as to why that person deserves the award is given.

From there we move on interviews with low-lifes from all walks of life - bikers, porn stars, ex-cons, Satanists and death metal band members just to name a few. We do a Q & A session about anything and everything.

Cut scene with some death metal music being played by my hired band - The Short Bus Mafia - and then go to commercial break. The Man Show hired a polka band so this would be my answer to them.

Come back from commercial break and do a "How to" skit - "How to get the blood stains out from the carpet" for example or "How to hide the body".

Then segue into a montage of real-world fucked up video footage - executions, riots, all sorts of human rights violations with a death metal soundtrack to it or something equally fucked up like the Sesame Street song.

From there break into the "Fist Fight Club" where 2 members from the audience are chosen at random to enter a cage and for 5 minutes will be required to beat the living fuck out of eachother with nothing but their bare hands. The winner emerges and gets the loser's wallet.

The Machine Show ends with "Bukkake Girls!" similar to the way the Man Show ends with "Girls jumping on trampolines" - another video montage of facial shots from different porno films wrapped up nicely with an industrial soundtrack to it - think KMFDM, Skinny Puppy, Ohgr, Front 242 or Project Pitchfork just to name a few bands.

And there you would have it.

Of course I would have to hire some professional writers most likely although I think the whole corporate angle would ruin my vision, and should instead grab some sick fuckers from the street to help with the material. Ultimately I could just rely on my own imagination since there's alot of repressed shit that I've kept from the public that could fly on something like this. If anyone with some cash wants to fund something like this, just get with me off-line and title the e-mail "Showtime".

Heh.

Phantom Shitter Part 2

2005-11-21T17:31:00.001+01:00

Well well well - perhaps I've discovered the secret identity of the infamous Phantom Shitter who plagues the Men's bathroom with his foul rancid poopy sauce? It all happened so quickly - just as of last week. I finished slamming a quart of water and had to pee really bad when I ran to the Men's room to take care of business. No sooner do I unbutton my pants and whip it out and start going full-stream than I hear the door open with a rush of wind only to be echoed with the shitter stall door closing and locking. AND THEN IT CAME. Fecal intonations and baritone calls that could only be rivaled by demon horns and trombones of the underworld!

AH HA! THE PHANTOM SHITTER!!!!

FINALLY!

I finished up draining the lizard when I quickly buttoned up my pants, washed my hands and decided to run outside and wait for the dude before the stench hit my nasal passages. After a month plus of suffering this asshole's raunchy left-over smells, I was going to solve this Scooby-Doo mystery......until.......some douchebag moron came into my office needing my help and I had to break away to assist. GODDAMMIT!!!!

Well, not one to be so easily discouraged, I decided to go from office to office to see who was present at their desks and who wasn't. Where Scooby-Doo stoner hi-jinks fail, the shrewd detective reasoning of Sherlock Holmes can always save the day. I looked all throughout the ground floor of where I work to see who was around and think it's some guy I've seen only once or twice. I don't get out much and mingle with people since I hate my co-workers and pretty much everyone within my building, set aside the occasional hottie MILF I catch a glimpse of. Eh. Whatever.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M ONE STEP CLOSER THAN I WAS BEFORE!!

Goddamn you, Phantom Shitter, you intangible fuck. You abstract queef. You're like the football Charlie Brown never got to kick or the elusive piece of ass Beavis and Butthead were always chasing but never scored. Every clue points me in a new direction but when I think I'm about to uncover your true identity, I'm only stuck back at square one. Mark my words, Phantom Shitter, I will expose you for the smelly geist you are, even if I have to call the fucking Ghostbusters on your ass!

Perhaps I need to invest in higher knowledge in order to solve this mystery - paint the toilet seat with Tobasco sauce and wait for the fucker to run in and wait for him to start screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs as the sauce works its way up his ass-crack and into his ring sphincter. I think the first degree burns on his butt cheeks will teach him to foul up the bathroom ever again considering he won't be able to sit down for a week ~ !!

The Phantom Shitter

2005-10-28T13:18:00.001+02:00

I shit thee not, there is a Phantom Shitter in my office, pun completely intended. Ever since I have been in Germany, someone with FOUL, ROTTEN ASS keeps taking a dump in the men's bathroom and they don't have the decency of a goddamned courtesy flush.

ASSHOLE!!

Jeezus fucking Christ, if you're going take a dump in a public place, the very least you can do is flush the commode the moment that load hits the water. Fuck. Or better yet if there's a WINDOW to open, open that goddamned thing and let some fresh air in for a change.

At first I thought it was some anonymous dude working in the same building as I was, or perhaps someone stopping through who had to make a pit stop, but this is happening on a daily basis! And then I even changed offices due to an internal power struggle, and the fucker followed me over!! There can't be a coinicidence that perhaps I just work with a group of people who love to eat and take nasty dumps all the time is there?

GODDAMN YOU PHANTOM SHITTER!! GO SHIT AT HOME INSTEAD!! I DON'T WANT TO SMELL YOUR RANCID POOPY JUICE ODORS WHEN I TAKE A WHIZZ!!! FUCK OFF AND FLUSH THE GODDAMNED COMMODE!!!!

If it truly is a spiritual entity causing all this mayhem, I will be forced but to exorcise this demon back to Hell from where it came from. Monday is Halloween and I will come to work as a defrocked priest and with Holy Water (read: air freshener), force this mist to do battle. I might turn green in the face or even get dizzy but I am convinced I will prevail!

Otherwise I am going to make signs and post them on each cubicle to render a courtesy flush ala Austin Powers style and hopefully solve the mystery of the Phantom Shitter - Scooby Doo style. Or maybe if I DO discover his identity, go PISS on his chair for befouling my senses or something. Who knows.

I am an Asshole

2005-10-06T17:40:00.000+02:00

Well. Sort of.

I blame this on the fact I am starting to mellow out with age as well as the fact the Air Force has been shoving doctrine down our throats big time - and since the military is all about conformity, it's either get with the program or get the fuck out.

Dammit.

I need to try harder. I think perhaps some of you bitches out there who have dated me or fucked me on a random would disagree and call me a complete asshole. Thanks but the flattery will get you nowhere!

You scored as Sort of an Asshole. I'm sorry to say it, but you're sort of an Asshole. You're not quite as bad as a total asshole, but you better watch out because you're not far behind them! You don't really care about other peoples problems unless it effects you in some way. You usually try and ignore any kind of flaw in your own personality and blame things that you've done on others.

Sort of an Asshole

100%

Has Asshole moments.

88%

Not an Asshole

88%

Total Asshole

50%

Goody Goody

50%

Are you an asshole?
created with QuizFarm.com

Sam

2005-08-23T05:11:00.000+02:00

Megan posted some cute kitty pics on her blog, so I felt compelled to post a pic of Sam, the ugliest dog. You can see more about him on his website.

Fucking Christ. This thing is hideous.

The Black Rusted Van

2005-08-10T22:27:00.000+02:00

Ha ha ha ha ~ !! Someone actually owns a BLACK RUSTED VAN!!

Megan sent me these photos and they rock. Too cool. I told her to go up and see if some smelly homeless guy was living in there or not and she chickened out. Chances are there was also a mattress in there soaked with various juices and body fluids, as well as a cassette player with a Slayer-mix tape inside it. The van doesn't look sinister enough though. It looks like a pussy version of what I want.

So I guess this is where Life imitates Art?

Metal Heads

2005-08-04T08:24:00.000+02:00

If it's one thing I enjoy, it's watching cheesey B-movies. The fucking cheesier, the better, especially if they have lots of gore and lots of titties. Movies like Lord of the Strings, Spinal Tap, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Seed of Chucky serve as a perfect examples as to what I mean. Metal Heads comes close, but just falls short, even by my standards, which is pretty fucking low to begin with! If you've ever entertained the idea of watching such shitty films as Chick Boxer and Galaxy of the Dinosaurs, this is right up the same alley. Usually you can find these films in the $10 section of Wal-Mart, or in this case, Blue Meannie Records (as mentioned previously).

In a nutshell, this movie tries to take on a Cheech & Chong meets The Furry Freak Brothers approach with the drug humor and stoner hi-jinks, but just falls short terribly. And by terribly I mean shitty. The death metal soundtrack is a joke, the majority of the movie is out of focus, and the acting is so bad, the junior high theater guild could pull off a better job doing these overweight losers. How this whole thing ever got pieced together to begin with is a real miracle in itself.

The story takes place in New Jersey and revolves around Bill Zebub and how much a total loser he is - he can't hold down a job and sponges of his girlfriend for everything - a typical hessian boyfriend by some standards. He does all sorts of shit to make a quick buck from selling videos of an ex-girlfriend that everyone jerks off to, to selling his KISS t-shirts to some dweeb for some fast cash. You see him get stoned with his loser friends, get trashed at a party, and try to pick up chicks at the library, all without success. Just when his luck can't get any worse, the Heavy Metal Lottery comes to New Jersey, and all you need are just 3 lucky numbers to win. So what 3 numbers does he choose to play? 666 - what else would a true metal head play? Well, his loser friend ends up rolling a joint with the winning ticket number and smokes it just as he finds out too late. The movie has its moments like the fight at the pizza parlor they have as well as the way they portray cops as being nazis, but over all it just sucks. Bill Zeebub seems like he is genuinely a funny guy away from the camera, but the whole thing just straight up sucks. By the way I make it sound, it could really come together well on paper, but similar to the Holy Bible and the Communist Manifesto, its actual application just gets fucked up by everyone trying to implement it.

Movies like Spun do a better job of portraying American loser counter-culture than this film does, despite being made by the very people they represent. A shame too since I was really hoping to get a good laugh out of it all. If you want to get revenge on an ex of yours, get them this film. The $10 you spend will well be worth it. Or, if you're drunk and wanna watch real-life Beavis and Butthead characters act like ass-clowns, this movie is right up your alley.

I don't expect much from Hollywood these days since everything is a sham and have instead turned to independent films primarily for entertainment. Even low-budget shitty films like Metal Heads should have some merit, but I can't even lump them in with the other low-brow cinema I mentioned. The only thing that saves this from being a complete festering dog-turd is the fact they have a solid T & A content going.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this film like the plague.

Sex in Video Games

2005-07-28T07:32:00.000+02:00

Lately the whole scream in the news has been how the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas game has some hidden nudity content, and how parents and politicians alike are throwing a shit-fit.

Waaah.

Cry me a river.

This solves nothing. In the 1950's, politicians blamed comic books and rock n' roll for the degeneracy of their kids, and in the 1980's, Tipper Gore and her PMRC nazis said it was Heavy Metal music and the hidden message content kids would hear when you would play an Ozzy record or a Judas Priest record backwards. For an artist to actually admit to doing something like this would be the worst career-move they could make, especially if the majority of their fan base ends up killing themselves as a result.

The way I see it, nobody wants to tackle the real issues in society - instead we have this crappy "say no to drugs" solution which has the drug lords laughing in their cocaine-frenzy, we turn a blind eye to illegal immigration, and the whole "no child left behind" policy is a royal joke. Instead they all want to hide behind the safe issues everyone can agree on, especially during an election year when the politicians pander to all the soccer-mom hyper-sensitivities. Is this really the best we can do as a nation? I'd hope not.

I've played all the Grand Theft Auto games in the series and love them. They're a great way to blow off steam at the end of the day without going postal on your co-workers or family members. It's an excellent alternative to REAL violence, and for all the worried parents out there, it's a great way to keep tabs on your teen-ager. He's at home and not out getting in trouble with his thug friends, and if the fucker starts acting psycho, you can just pull the X-Box for 15 minutes until he's cooled off.

Not once have I ever wanted to live the lifestyle of some street-thug because I was playing this game, nor the majority of people who own this title. If anything, the game serves as a watered-down reflection of real life in the ghetto and how horrible it really is. No way in hell would I want to go live in South East San Diego where all the crack dealers and gang-bangers hang out and try to roll with them or talk trash. That's just plain stupid.

But chances are most teens and pre-teens have already been exposed to sex in one form or another - either they've stumbled upon their dad's porno stash, or they watch scrambled porn on TV when nobody is looking. I was doing that when I was 10 years old with the Playboy Channel and my parents were completely oblivious to the fact. If you really want to push the issue, any children growing up on a farm will see animals reproduce sooner or later. Now that's a fact of life nobody can ignore.

Parents can argue that they don't want hidden content sneaking into their homes like this, but if they're going to let their kids play video games that glorify the 7 Deadly Sins, they shouldn't bitch and fuss about it. Instead they should take their medicine like grown adults and learn next time when their kid starts pitching a fit for the new Grand Theft Auto game, to exercise some responsibility before making the purchase. I hate it when people bitch about giving the Devil his due.

Destroy All Humans

2005-07-26T03:04:00.000+02:00

I started playing this game yesterday and absolutely love it. Similar to War of the Worlds, your objective is to kill the entire population of Earth and make it ready for alien domination. The race of aliens known as the Furons wiped out the Martians thousands of years ago, when they discovered Earth and decided to use it as a port for their soldiers to blow off steam with the human population.

You're known as Crypto-136 and you're a clone of your predecessor who was shot down by an experimental Army rocket launch, and now it's your task to go retrieve him and the saucer that was accidentaly lost. You start out in a corn field trying to communicate with a herd of cattle, only you take their brainless remarks as insults and instead hurl them using Psycho-Kinesis. This prompts the farmer to come out with his shot-gun and take pot-shots at you, prompting you to zap the fucker with your ray-gun. Not only are you armed with a ray-gun, but you also have an Anal-Probe gun that causes people to shit their pants as they run in terror, and then seconds later their heads explode and their brains pop out on the ground. You have the ability to collect the brains since there's an ancient strand of alien DNA inside each human that your race needs in order to regenerate itself with, and the more brain stems you pick up the better.

The funnest part is being able to cruise around in your flying saucer and obliterate houses and buildings alike. The cops get pissed and the Army comes out with tanks and Anti-Aircraft guns a-blazing but they can easily be avoided. If you get tired of using the saucer's death ray, you also have an abduction beam you can use to pick people and equipment with. I was bored and crashed a few mutant cows into the sides of buildings, as well as some tanks into the river. What sucks is they still continue shooting even though they're under 10 feet of water. Wonder how that works.

This game is littered with plenty of B-Movie references from the 1950's and feels like a space-age version of Grand Theft Auto. You can easily upgrade your ray-gun as well as your saucer and pick up bonus DNA points from alien sentry probes that are hidden around the area. Ultimately your little alien guy attacks Washington DC and from there goes to Area 51, although it's known as "Area 42" in the game. The developers at THQ Studios and Pandemic have a hot little gem on their hands in my opinion. This one is definitely one of the pick-up titles for this summer.