Star Wait

 

Last year when I took some leave and visited my folks for Thanksgiving, I came across this DVD at a local thrift shop - Star Wait. Looking at the cover, it looked like something that Kevin Smith might create, similar to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Considering the DVD was on sale for like $5.00, I figured why not pick it up and have a good laugh? Some of these fan-made movies can actually be pretty funny. I brought it back to Germany with me at the time and put it on the shelf, with the intent that I was going to watch it a short time later. Interestingly enough, a year later around THIS Thanksgiving, I finally got around to watching it. No specific reason, just the timing lined up like that.

What I discovered about this DVD is that it is about a bunch of fucking Star Wars nerds who decided to camp their asses out for the premiere showing of Attack of the Clones, way back in 2002. This had started on the internet with a Star Wars community, where people frequented the message boards and got the bright idea to wait in line 6 weeks before the movie released, just to say that they were the first to have seen this pathetic excuse of a film. Not ones to have learned their lesson from the royal turd that Phantom Menace was, these guys were gluttons for punishment, and wanted to repeat the agonizing experience that it was to sit through another one of Lucas' pathetic cash-grabs.

Now, I could understand waiting in line for tickets to an Ozzy Ozbourne concert, or perhaps Nine Inch Nails from back in the day. I've seen both perform and they're that damn good. Hell, I stood all day at the Club Quattro there in Tokyo to catch Black Label Society perform back in 2005. I met the band members first-hand as well as one or two interesting people before the doors opened. Catching a concert is completely different from some imaginary film that you can watch again anytime you like, once it comes out on DVD or Blu-Ray. You can get drunk, do illegal substances, or have questionable sex with people you've just met, and nobody is going to blink an eye. Do this at your local AMC movie theater, and don't be surprised if people lose their shit.

Anyhow, it turns out the DVD is a combination of 9 different mini-episodes that were filmed and originally put on the internet. This was before You Tube was a thing, so this is the closest way of producing a vlog from an independent content creator. Each episode consists of following people around, one guy calling himself "Grimlock" and going around talking in pseudo-caveman speak. While it seems amusing at first, it becomes a tired cliche quickly and unoriginal. The highlight is when he meets some lesbian biker chick on the street and tries picking her up, only to epic fail. Had he succeeded, he had a van parked no less than 10 feet away that he could've scored in. Considering that this was before the whole van life phenomenon became a thing, he was on to something. There were some other notable people in the different episodes, one of them being a couple who had met at a Star Wars con some time earlier and decided to hook up.

Perhaps the highlight of the DVD is when some Hot Topic punks started talking shit to the Star Wars nerds, and got their asses kicked. This one guy who doesn't fit the Star Wars nerd description told these fuckwits to fuck off, and this skinny Green Day-looking dweeb provoked him, only to get decked way fucking hard. All it took was one punch and he started crying. That's absolutely hilarious. The asshole from Accounting turns out to be some In-the-Closet wanna be Jedi, and clocks said Oi Boy good and hard. Years later, he runs into them again, but this time leaving a bar, and it's said that he still kicked their asses. Looks like some people never learn. Other highlights of the DVD include light saber fights in the parking lot, and even some Jesus Freaks singing and praying on the street corner. You'll never know what you're going to get when you're around grown men who fantasize about little green puppets who talk backwards.

The DVD ends where the fanboys are gushing over how awesome Attack of the Clones was and how their faith in George Lucas had been restored. They don't give away any spoilers at the time of filming, but 20 years later, I wonder how many of them would walk some of those statements back? The Star Wars prequels were crap at best, but nowhere near the dumpster fire that the Disney Star Wars trilogy was. Revenge of the Sith was the only noteworthy film from the set, only because you get to see how Darth Vader became the total bad-ass that he is. Everything else up to that point, save the Sand People camp getting obliterated was just a waste of film. It just goes to show how desperate for anything Star Wars some of these fan boys can really be.

Overall this DVD was a nice jog down memory lane. In 2002, I was stationed in Japan, so I wasn't aware of any such ramblings, and missed out on a large chunk of what American pop culture was up to. Looking back now, I value my time and experience in Japan more than whatever a bunch of depressing nerds were doing with their otherwise depressing lives. On the Bonus Features section, there's quick video where some of them lined up again in 2005 for Revenge of the Sith, only it was at the same movie theater as before - the catch is that it wasn't showing there at all. WTF? Instead of wasting your time lining up there, GO STAND IN LINE AT THE THEATER WHERE IT WILL BE SHOWING. Seriously!

I doubt that something like this could ever be done again, since movie theaters are disappearing left and right, while the plebeians are now downloading everything from the Apple Store and shaking their asses on Tik Tok. Our society is in decline and we all know it. At least as pathetic as a bunch of sweaty geeks standing in line for 6 weeks to see a movie that lasts 2 hours, these people actually made it to do something fun with their lonely, depressing lives.

Heh.