The Niedersachsen Crop Circle

My morning started yesterday rather painfully when I was woken up at 7 am. My ass was killing me too. Why? Why was it so painful? I'm not gay so any kind of raunchy butt sex is out of the question, and I didn't have any kind of hemorrhoids flaring up that I knew of.....no...I had to take a major dump as a result of eating a 12 inch pepperoni pizza all by myself and there was no way that Mother Nature was going to let me get in an extra hour of sleep. Goddammit.

I suppose that waking up an hour earlier than expected was good, considering I was going to drive 3 1/2 hours up to Northern Germany in the Niedersachsen region to see a crop circle. For years I've been fascinated by these things and wondered if they were truly an act of mysterious forces, or if indeed they were all a bunch of horse shit stories crafted by the media.

The place in question was just outside of Goettingen named Barterode - a town that when you drive through it is just as easily forgettable as the next country village you encounter, but click the link to see the crop circle in question that formed just outside its limits:

Crop Circle Connector - Barterode

I've always seen pictures of these in England and I've always wondered why they have so many in comparison to the rest of the world, and here was my chance to see one up close and in person.

Driving there and back wasn't a big deal, considering you can really haul ass on the Autobahn and make great time - 130 kilometers is just the right speed too if you ask me. All the way up I thought to what I might experience when I see this thing in person - some people report feeling nauseau or time distortion, while others have reported a feeling of calmness and serenity. Would I experience any of these feelings as well? People also have mentioned UFO activity around these things. Would I finally witness a UFO in person and not rely on You Tube footage? Who knows?

I finally got there and at first I thought I had missed it. I saw what I thought were some circular bends in the grain from the road, but I wasn't too certain. As you can see in the first photo, the field looks pretty non-descript and you can drive right by it and not realize there's anything there in the first place.



But this was definitely the right place! I had written the pilot who had taken the photograph and he gave me the specific coordinates that I plugged into my GPS and I had definitely hit pay-dirt. I started walking in the field and was cautious to see if there was perhaps anything unusual or pecuilar about this formation. I found a dead field mouse that looks like it had been ran over by the farmer's tractor but nothing else. No empty beer cans, used condoms or New-Age assholes either.



This photo is kinda jacked, but this is definitely the tradtional crushed wheat that most of these crop circles have - it was going in a clock-wise formation (sorry but you have to tilt your head to see it).



Here's the center of the top circle - I didn't walk to the second circle partially because I forgot there was a second part, but as you can see, it's nothing special at all. Nothing cosmic or bizarre - just crushed wheat as mentioned before.



And again the same circle from a slightly different view. No feelings of nauseau or spirituality, although I did get the impression that I was being watched at first, and that possibly I was not welcome. After a while it seemed to me that perhaps what all these UFO nuts and New-Agers might have missed the mark all entirely as to what these phenomenon are: religious altars made by the pagan gods and spirits who were once worshipped by the Celts and the Europeans before Christianity wiped them out, and because there has been a revival of Wicca that they're waking up again after being out of action for the past 2000 years. A god is only as strong as its followers, and the quickest way to gain notoriety is by doing something to this effect, and let's face it - miracles on the Christian side of the house have been few and far between from what I can remember.

Could this possibly be the truth? Think about it - if some street thug gang member wants his presence to be made known, he spray paints his symbol around town - I view crop circles as being no different - pagan spirits and possibly demons in direct opposition of one another have been making these things as means of having a cosmic pissing contest as to who is the biggest and baddest of them all, all the while clueless people thinking that they are messages intended for humanity when they're not, considering that these things are meant to be seen from the sky. Makes perfect sense to me when you take into consideration that Satan can be found in the air we breathe (reference Ephesians 2:2).

It makes perfect sense to me at least. I think that any energy that crop circles may have are consumed when they are being created, and within a week any residual that's been left over has vanished. The demon pops out and goes about its business. Think of it like taking a 9 volt battery and tasting it with your tongue - that little 'jolt' is enough to get people excited but in the grand scheme of things won't make your fire alarm or your Norwegian sex toys operate.

Anycase I walked all over this thing for 10 minutes and felt nothing. Because I had a 2-liter of Diet Pepsi for me to drink on the way up, I decided to take a whizz in the center portion and text message a few friends about it. Might as well make the trip memorable at least.

On the way back home it did start to rain and if it's one thing I hate, it's driving on the Autobahn when the weather is shitty, since so many people forget that the laws of physics still apply. In between dodging shitty drivers from hydroplaning, an awesome idea came to me - next time I see one of these crop circles, I NEED TO HAVE SEX IN IT! I need to find a hottie with an open mind to have sex with in one of these things to see if anything mystical will happen. Or better yet, take it one step further and FILM A PORNO using crop circles as the background setting! Think about it! It could be a great way to revitalize the industry as we know it!




Anycase I also found this creepy looking ice cream van parked outside of some abandoned town house. Nice. I can hear the muffled cries of the kidnapped echo and the fat greasy Italian guy who put them to work making fake FILA clothing. The things you find when you're out and about no less.

So over all are crop circles worth all the hype? Eh not so much although I still want to see more when they pop up. I will say that my day ended the same way it started - by me taking another monster dump as a result of eating the Autobahn food. Kids, if you're going to do any extensive traveling in Europe, might I recommend you bring snacks on the trip.

Ugh. My colon is still rumbling as I write this. Heh.




(Special thanks to the dude at www.goeflug.de for giving me directions to the crop circle)