Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

 

In the spirit of bad films (i.e. Star Wait), I also have to give a mention to this forgotten turd gem of a Christmas special: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. 

Upon first glance, my perception was that Santa Claus somehow invades Mars, because he's thwarting a Martian invasion of Planet Earth, while simultaneously setting up shop on Mars, since he's run out of room on Earth to make toys. The Martian Armada fights Santa and his elves with their alien technology, but lose horribly since Saint Nick has the power of Christmas magic that in the end defeats them. Now enslaved to Father Christmas, the Martians must make toys along with the elves, for children on Earth everywhere. Throw in some Kung-Fu fighting or Santa shooting up the place like Rambo, and there you have a cheesy B-movie film that's so bad it's good.

 The premise of the film is that Martian children are total brain-dead zombies because all they do is watch television channels from Earth. The Martian kids don't want to eat, sleep, or do anything fun that kids usually do like having fun, because they are bored out of their fucking skulls. All they do is go to school and learn.

(On a side note, more kids going to school and applying themselves is what's sorely needed in society today, but for the purposes of this blog entry, I'll just give it a nod and leave it at that.)

So, the Martian King, Kimar, decides that what Mars need is a Santa Claus of its own, in order to reinvigorate the population of Martian children everywhere. Give them something fun to believe in, along with something fun to do. He decides that he wants to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to their home planet. This will solve ALL their problems, right?

The Martians climb aboard their spaceship that looks like some crusty turd with a flame coming out of its exhaust. For a 1960's movie, they could've made a stereotypical flying saucer as a spaceship, but I guess they were too fucking cheap to design anything sci-fi.  Just glue a bunch of Lincoln Logs together and make-believe it is.

Once they make it to Earth, they decide to kidnap two kids because everywhere they go, they see people dressed up as Santa Claus on the streets, and need the kids to help them find the real Santa. Instead of kicking the Martians in the balls and running away, the kids go with them to the North Pole and find the real Santa in his home busy making toys. Now this is the part that is actually funny: the Martians have a stun gun that freezes people in their tracks. The person can't move or speak for an extended amount of time, and over time, the effects wear off. Mrs Claus comes bitching and fussing to Santa about everything, and the moment the Martians see her, they zap her with the stun gun. Total silence and bliss. (On a side note, I want Santa to bring me one of these awesome stun guns for Christmas so then anytime someone is annoying the piss outta me, I can instantly shut them the fuck up with a blast of the ray gun.)

Santa goes to Mars, makes a machine that can build toys for the Martian children, and all ends well. Santa returns to Earth where he belongs, along with the two kids who were originally kidnapped. If this movie was made today, it would most likely involve not Martians but an evil, greedy CEO of a shoe factory and he would put the kidnapped kids to work. Santa would be just another foreman overseeing production, and instead of Mars, it would be at a location somewhere in the South Pacific. 

On a serious note, there is one part of the film that was eerily prophetic. Kimar goes to see the sage Martian Chochem on what to do because of the kids, and he says this quote:

"We have no children on Mars. They have children bodies but with adult minds. They do not have a childhood.....they are born with electronic teaching machines attached to their brains while they are in their cradles. Information is fed into their minds in a constant stream, and by the time they can walk, they are adults."

Now this part is utterly fucking crazy. Everywhere you go today, what do you see parents do to their kids? They shove a fucking iPad in front of them and keep them preoccupied. You see this on airplanes, you see this in grocery stores, you see this at the mall....everywhere. Parents are oversaturating their children with information overload and don't understand that kids need time out to also be kids. Kids need to play outside and explore the world around them, not be glued to a fucking tablet or smart phone 24/7. While there are many educational apps that are critical for developing a child's mind, there are also a ton of stupid websites and apps that kids don't need to be exposed to: Tik-Tok comes immediately to mind. Your kids are being taught how to become total dumbasses while all the other kids around the world are focusing on winning math competitions and spelling bee's. It's that fucking simple.

If you want to catch it for free, here's the You Tube link below. Enjoy.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians