Star Wars comes to Misawa

Okay. I've forgotten how pathetic some of the people here at Misawa can be. What I mean by that is the HUGE FUCKING STAR WARS DISPLAY at the front of the BX! I suppose that back in the States that Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith is quickly becoming the smash hit film of the Summer already and people are going ape-shit over anything Lucasfilm related.



Fucking Tards.

Watching the news channels at the gym these past few days, I've seen all sorts of gay tie-ins to the movie, with Burger King and Diet Pepsi commercials featuring Yoda the Elf or whatever the fuck he is, helping George make a quick buck by convincing some kid to drink the crap. Hell, there's even some goddamned Darth Vader Mr Potato Head doll that's out for sale. Jeezus fucking Christ people! Where does the madness end?!?!?

It's gotten so bad that some fucktards have been making their own fan-based films. Now I don't know what's worse - Star Trek geeks or Star Wars nerds since they both have huge potential to lose any few cool points they may or may not have achieved in their brief, pathetic lives.

Star Wars was cool when I was 6 years old and my Dad took me to see the original film at the movie theater for my birthday. But now at the age of 33, I'll be damned if I so much purchase a Luke Skywalker doll or throw money away on such retarded merchandise. I refuse to go to any related websites or engage in people's idle conversation about the topic. (Yet ironically enough, I'll waste a blog entry talking about how pathetic these people are - does that lump me in the same category? Don't answer that question!)

The other week our squadron had a group photo taken in one of the hangars at Kunsan. There were the F-16 jets parked in the background to make it look all military-like, and somehow we got on the topic of Star Wars. The Shirt asked if anyone had seen the keys to the Daewoo he drives and when he said "Has anyone seen the 'Woo keys?" it sounded like "Wookies". Yes, fucking pathetic.

But then I started ragging on Chris, one of the dudes that works in the Lab with Russ. Chris is a big Final Fantasy nerd despite being an otherwise cool guy. He looks like the type that could get laid on any Friday night if he went looking for a quick piece of snatch, although he assures people he doesn't indulge in such a hedonistic lifestyle. Anycase, because Chris is easy to tease and get his feathers ruffled when you poke fun at anything remotely anime or of similar genre, he took offense to the fact I was starting to rip on Star Wars.

"So Chris, if the Enterprise got into a fight with the Death Star, who would win?"

"So Chris, if Luke Skywalker took a dump in space, would Spock see the Captain's Log?"

"So Chris, why izzit that R2-D2 resembles a giant butt-plug?"

"Chris, if the Borg and Darth Vader had sex, what would happen?"

"So does Chewbacca get dingle-berries caught in his fur every time he takes a dump?"

"So if Ben Kenobi worked at a Women's Clinic, would he call himself 'OB-GYN Kenobi'?"

Really annoying shit like that.

At first, he would entertain my stupid comments by firing something equally snotty in return, although he quickly saw that he was losing ground and refused to continue. Of course other people were laughing their ass off while standing in formation, trying to look serious for the camera. Finally I was told to knock it off by the Shirt.

But the whole reason why I mention this is because you have grown men and sometimes women that still follow this shit like it's a religion or something and need to realize that it's only a fucking movie!!! Jeezus Christ! Get over it! The same losers that collect comic books and live in their mother's basement are the same dweebs who get irate when you make fun of Captain Picard or Captain Kirk, or say that Darth Vader is a closet homosexual hiding acting out whatever latent urges he has with Jabba the Hutt or something.

And these are the same losers who demand Star Wars toys to be stocked in high demand here at Misawa.

Grown men and women were picking up Yoda puppets, and a fake light-saber, saying how cool it looked. There's even some fucking Darth Vader talking head that does a shitty James Earl Jones imitation when you push its buttons. There's even a goddamned Risk game that I saw, tailored after the film where you take over whatever galaxy it is they inhabit. This shit is too out of control!

I remember back in 1999 when Star Wars Episode I was about to be released, and how all the fucking fan-boys and nerds alike waited days and days outside the Toys R Us to get their hands on a goddamned Jar-Jar Binks doll, and fought like a pack of rabid hyenas for a shitty hunk of plastic, even before they had seen the movie. Others waited weeks outside the movie theater, just so they could say they were the first to see the movie, determined that George was the goose delivering yet another golden egg. "This movie's going to change the world forever, I can feel it" some asshole on The Man Show said when Adam Carrolla and Jimmy Kimmel dressed up like Star Wars nerds and crashed the waiting line.

And look at these fuckers now. Nobody will admit to enjoying Episodes I & II despite throwing away bundles of cash on the shitty merchandise. The same process is repeating itself once again with Episode III, and after people see the film, they'll all say how disappointed they were once again. And I will fucking laugh my ass off too at these fuckers for being such chumps.

I enjoy a good movie. Hell, I even enjoy the fucking Harry Potter films because they're well-written for the target audience they're after, but no way in Hell would I dress up like some fucking wizard and prance around publicly, nor would I buy a Harry Potter doll to put on my bookshelf at home. The same goes for Star Wars and any other remotely retarded film series that gets far more attention that it deserves. Aside from a Collector's Edition of a DVD, you won't ever catch me sticking my hand up the Yoda puppet's ass and faking his voice.

The Force is strong with this one. And so is his hand in my ass. Mmmmmmmm!