Ground Zero

Oh my fucking gawd.

This morning I felt the worst tremor of all.

Yes, Manuke the Shit Demon stirred around 4am and awoke me from a dead slumber.

I had to take a royal fucking dump no matter how much I tried to sleep it off. And it was bad too.

Fuck.

I hit that toilet bowl with a serious fucking vengeance like Nagasaki or Hiroshima, leaving a stench that would gag even a maggot. I swear to fucking Christ if it was possible for nuclear fission to take form in the shape of a turd mushroom cloud, it did so in miniscule proprotions, leaving a blast radius of 10 inches in diameter. I mean I felt the fucking shockwaves hit the water, which splashed up and hit my ass in the same manner those education films from the 1950's show the house getting hit by a blast wave. It was insane.

I don't know shit (pun completely intended) about the theory of relativity or subatomic fusion or any of that college crap, but if those assholes at NASA could harness the power that my ass generated this morning, I swear we could've powered NYC for an entire week straight.

Anycase I swear my toilet bowl still has scorch marks and I had best keep my NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) gear handy next time the shit demon stirs. I may have a mini-Chernobyl happen in my bathroom and I don't want the fallout to burn my nuts off for life. More importantly, all these UFO nuts claim up and down that UFOs are attracted to intense radiation readings - perhaps that's why so many people abducted and get an anal probe? They have atomic little shit clouds when they take a dump too and the aliens are doing routine maintenance on their descending colon, which in turn they hook up to power their ship to get home. That's it - that's the secret to UFO abduction and I just solved it!

So. That means I better wear lead underwear to bed tonight in hopes it will keep Manuke the Shit Demon in and those stupid UFO aliens out.

Heh.


Good night.