Drunk Dialing Rules of Engagement

Holy shit.

I didn't think someone would actually gimme their digits to Drunk Dial them!

Hey it's cool. Whatever.

While I won't divulge their information openly (I believe in respecting people's right to privacy), I will say that I will reserve the right to blog any conversations we have, funny or otherwise, for all to see here. I may be a jackass and fuck-tard at times, but if anything I am brutally honest to a fault and will take a beating if I deserve one. My readers deserve to see me in my lesser moments as well as my everyday inane ramblings.

Before I call anyone, I want to get a few things straight, just to clear the air:

1. I will never use my real name. Don't ask me for it, because NO amount of persuasion will do. Unless you're a hot chick that wants to fuck my brains out and lives within the general vicinity, chances are you will never meet me in person, so don't even bother wasting our time. I will always refer to myself as Machine and would prefer you to respect that. The few people who DO know me have been good friends whom I can trust and know they won't share such information openly. By the same token, I prefer YOU not use your real name either, unless you're comfortable doing so.

2. What I do is for entertainment purposes only. I'll say it again. FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. By no means do my views reflect nor are they condoned by my employer, and by no means am I out to slander people with vicious intent. Everything is done with the intent of parody and self-humiliation at my expense. What I say are my own views and opinions, plain and simple. Chances are you're cool with that to begin with anyways.

3. If I call you, I expect you to talk to me. I will make every attempt to be on my best behavior despite being intoxicated, however if you become disrespectful or some self-righteous asshole, then the show's over and I will fucking blast you here, no holds barred. I will post your e-mail address here for everyone to send you humiliating, harassing messages so think ahead. That's the beauty of the internet, so let's agree to play nice together.

4. Let's put the shoe on the other foot for a second now. By giving me your phone number, I will call most likely at a fucked up hour for you, and you accept this possibility. If I get out of control then there is no excuse for my behavior, plain and simple, and you have every right to hang up on my ass and talk shit too. After all, fair is fair. I will say this right now while sober - I apologize ahead of time for anything stupid or fucked up I might say, and hope it doesn't prevent you from returning here in the future.

5. Finally, by sending me your phone number, you agree to these rules and will not hold me responsible for any damages incurred on your part - real, imagined or otherwise. I am just some asshole with a minimum-wage paying job and chances are you're far better off than I am in every sense of the meaning. So unless you want to take me to court and see me declare bankruptcy on the spot, you'll be wasting both our times by filing with a lawyer. I've been broke my entire life so it won't be anything new to me. Consider yourself the more fortunate between us.

Having said this, let the fun begin.

And for the ladies out there - any photos of yourself in advance are greatly appreciated. What you do in those photos is strictly voluntary, but be forewarned I will use them here if I see fit.

Game on.