E-Mart

This is E-Mart.

I swear to fucking Christ, this place is like a fucking theme park for the Koreans. And I hate theme parks!

People come here and they fucking pack themselves in to every concievable square inch they can find and run around while shopping. Their fucking kids run out of control and the parents park their goddamned shopping carts all over the place, usually right in front of your way as you're trying to wade through the sea of humanity. As much as I would rag on the hillbillies and trailer trash that go to Wal-Mart for doing essentially the same thing, these people are fucking 10 times worse - I shit you not.

Basically the only reason why people go here is because it's the closest thing you'll find to a department store this side of the Yellow Sea. Everything else is usually purchased from some Mom & Pop shop that looks like it needs to be knocked down by a bulldozer and given a Buddhist funeral. It's fucking ghetto. No, it's ultra-ghetto, which is why places like E-Mart these people flock to like it's Disney Land or something. It's the extreme opposite.

Jeezus Fucking Christ.



My main reason for coming to this overgrown death-trap is for one thing.

-McDonald's

This is the only Mickey D's in the local area, amidst countless Bul-gogi shops and Karaoke pubs. While there's Valentine's Pizza not too far off, this is the only American eatery whose quality and dependability I can trust for a good meal far away from home. I can't read shit for Han-gul and no way am I going to try ordering something that looks appetizing from the menu, but in reality turns out to be eel testicles or squid eyeball soup.




As soon as you get through the doors, McDonald's is there to greet you. Clean, spacious, and brightly lit. Fucking-A. Whoever designed this place knew exactly what the people wanted, and what they wanted is convenience. All you Anti-Capitalist assholes can go fuck yourself for all I care - I want my meal in 5 minutes or less, and something that's universally recognized. Mickey D's delivers!



See. This is what I'm talking about. Fucking Quality, people. No other country has been able to mass-produce customer service restaurants of this magnitude, other than America. While the Japanese have Mos Burger and the British have Wimpy's, McDonald's goes to prove that America is number one for a reason. All you goddamned tree-huggers and femin-nazi Vegans could probably benefit from a Big Mac and an apple pie. Look at how good it looks. And it tastes even better too. No fucking eel testicles or octopus balls for me! While I'm not big on fries, the girl at the counter gave me an apple pie and a pineapple pie, when I only wanted just one, and didn't charge either. Hey, that pineapple pie turns out to be 10 times better than the apple pie. Try it some time and you'll see what I'm talking about.




The Korean Ronald McDonald looks ghetto as all fuck. Like someone could break him in two if they really wanted to. He resembles nothing more than some crummy cardboard cut-out despite being made of Plaster of Paris or aluminum perhaps. With all these fucking shopping carts blocking the way, I didn't feel like moving them to get some obnoxious pic and having all the ajumas curse me out in Han-gul. And to see a photo of Ronald tea-bagging me would be funny as hell too.



I don't know what the fuck these people were eating but whatever it was it sure as hell smelled nasty. Just like eating pussy, if it smells bad, it ain't going anywhere near my mouth. It's that simple.



Now here we have some really nice, affordable shit you can't find anywhere else in the local area. I'm completely serious about this too. Remember the Mom & Pop owned stores? Well they stock stuff that's poorly crafted and looks like it could break easily. How or why there's a market for shoddy craftsmanship is beyond me, but some poor slob will buy it regardless.



And this is the fucking death trap I was telling you about. I tell yah folks, I don't exaggerate this shit or anything like that. Koreans clammering around like crabs in a bucket - confusion everywhere. You go to some over-priced theme park like Sea World or Magic Mountain and it's the same exact fucking thing, only here you don't pay ridiculous prices that you would for a Coca Cola or whatever. And the beauty is I can leave this place without purchasing anything! Those fucking theme parks always rig it up to where you have to pay some kind of fee or hidden cost to use their shit, whereas all I have to do is pay the price of the round-trip bus fare and snap photos if that's all I want. No pressure to do anything else at all.



Hmm...I wonder if Disney knows they're using their Winnie the Pooh mascots without permission?



More death-trap fun. This time, it's the escalator of doom coupled with the television rest area of destruction. For all you Anime nerds out there, the Korean version of Inu-Yasha was showing on the big screen as I made my way up to the second floor. Trying to navigate around people on one of these things is impossible. I had some guy and his kid knock me over without so much as an "excuse me" in English or Korean. If it's one thing I've learned to say in just about every country I've been to, it's how to ask permission to pass. As much as people call us "Stupid Americans", I'm going to put the shoe on the other foot and call people "Stupid Whatever" if they automatically assume I can't speak the basics, just because I'm a foreigner in their country.



Upstairs had more of the same shit, primarily clothing. There was a small electronics section towards the back and even a place to take your pets to get them groomed. There was even the ever-fun, always in style bouncy castle you could take your kids and let them burn off their sugar high from eating at McDonald's. By now my shitty camera had ran out of memory space, otherwise I would've snapped some photos of that too for you to see.

By this time I was feeling somewhat claustrophobic and was certain I was going to have yet again, another mild panic attack if I didn't make a bee-line downstairs and towards the main entrance. I rarely go to places like E-Mart because I can't stand the crowds, and unlike Tokyo, there's never enough room in one of these places to breathe. I swear, when I return to the States next month, I won't ask anyone to take me to the San Diego Zoo, Sea World, Knott's Berry Farm or Disney Land - I've visited all of those wrapped up under one roof.

E-Mart.