Shitty Movies
Goddammit. I hate shitty movies.
I mean movies that are supposed to be intentionally kick-ass but unintentionally suck. They're usually produced by some Hollywood asshole like Jerry Bruckheimer, Joel Silver, Steven Spielberg or Robert Zemeckis and star some other asshole like Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise, Val Kimler, or Adam Sandler. Independence Day, Big Daddy, The Day After Tomorrow, Hostage, Meet the Fockers. Shit like that.
Then there are the animated cross-overs where you have some stupid film by Pixar or Disney with a cast of voice actors who are in reality out-of-work has-beens looking to scrounge up some money to pay the rent. Will Smith, Rosie Perez, Tim Allen, Tom Hanks. Full of irritating personalities, overly-animated characters, poorly scripted and with a shitty plot, people gobble these kinds of films up for the summer. A Bug's Life, Shark Tale, Finding Nemo, Shrek, Robots.
What slays me is how people flock to these stinkers and throw down $20 or whatever for tickets and concessions and call it entertainment. I'd rather throw down $20 on a pizza, 2 liter of Coke and catch Comedy Central instead since I know that what I'm watching isn't going to suck so much and if it DOES become irritating, I can change the channel versus walking out of the theater and haggling for a refund.
These movies don't mean to suck usually but they do. And this is the reason why: it's always the same plot/cookie cutter storyline where even the most uninspiring script writer can land a movie deal. I'll even make this interesting by allowing you to fill in the blanks while illustrating what I mean.For example:
(Will Smith/Bruce Willis/Tom Cruise)_______________ play a (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)_______________ whose talents are necessary to (retrieve a sensitive document/foil a terrorist plot/protect the life of someone important)________________. The (asshole chief of police/aging colonel/senior FBI agent)_________________ has at his disposal an armada of people and high-tech gadgetry, yet simply cannot pull the mission off without this one person.
From there the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)________________ wrestles with his conscience about taking the job because (he lost his partner on the job/his wife left him/his child died)___________________ despite not having the ability to save them, and is reluctant to sign on out of fear of what could happen again. After meeting his (token black partner/hot chick agent/SWAT Team buddies)___________________, he happens to locate a (crucial piece of evidence/victim that survived/former bad guy with a change of heart)_______________that was there all along but was over-looked by an entire task force. He then manages to (crack the hidden meaning/infiltrate the terrorist organization/rescue the important person)_____________ at the same time meet the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator) and carry out a 30 minute diatribe as to how their misunderstood ambitions are truly altruistic in nature, and the (down and out cop/ex-military/secret agent)_____________ is on the wrong side and should join them.
The movie involves a (car chase/gun shoot-out/chase on foot)__________ where his (token black partner/hot chick agent/SWAT Team buddies) get mortally wounded, motivating the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)___________ to capture the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)__________ at all costs. He then gets the special piece of equipment that makes all the difference in the world and takes the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)___________ head on, killing his henchmen without having to reload his weapon once. By this stage of the movie, the (sensitive document/terrorist plot/life of someone important)__________ takes a back-burner and the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)__________ has a bone to pick with the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)__________. Instead of admitting guilt, the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)__________ choses death over prison or any other form of rehabilitation and the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)__________ saves the day.
Magically enough, the (token black partner/hot chick agent/SWAT Team buddies)__________ have pulled through and are now stabilized in the hospital, only to return in the future sequel film to add more comic relief. The (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)__________ learns a new perspective of responsibility and how one person truly can make all the difference despite the armada of equally trained people and high-tech gadgetry at the (asshole chief of police/aging colonel/senior FBI agent)__________ had at their fingertips. End the film with a shitty feel-good hit of the summer song and there you have your cookie-cutter shitty film.
Please people, if what I have just described still sounds like your idea of family entertainment, --PLEASE-- send me the $20 you're planning to spend next Friday or Saturday night going to see this festering cow-turd of a film instead. I have a video game habit to support and would rather see you throw your money away on someone far more entertaining such as myself, than some boob of a moron like Joel Silver or Jerry Bruckheimer. At the very least you will get an e-mail from me thanking you for your donation as well as the chance to read more of my exploits here. I don't see these Hollywood producers taking the time to thank their fans, yet you will always get some sort of acknowledgement from me.
And I'll even save you a slice of pizza if you wanna come over to my place!
I mean movies that are supposed to be intentionally kick-ass but unintentionally suck. They're usually produced by some Hollywood asshole like Jerry Bruckheimer, Joel Silver, Steven Spielberg or Robert Zemeckis and star some other asshole like Bruce Willis, Tom Cruise, Val Kimler, or Adam Sandler. Independence Day, Big Daddy, The Day After Tomorrow, Hostage, Meet the Fockers. Shit like that.
Then there are the animated cross-overs where you have some stupid film by Pixar or Disney with a cast of voice actors who are in reality out-of-work has-beens looking to scrounge up some money to pay the rent. Will Smith, Rosie Perez, Tim Allen, Tom Hanks. Full of irritating personalities, overly-animated characters, poorly scripted and with a shitty plot, people gobble these kinds of films up for the summer. A Bug's Life, Shark Tale, Finding Nemo, Shrek, Robots.
What slays me is how people flock to these stinkers and throw down $20 or whatever for tickets and concessions and call it entertainment. I'd rather throw down $20 on a pizza, 2 liter of Coke and catch Comedy Central instead since I know that what I'm watching isn't going to suck so much and if it DOES become irritating, I can change the channel versus walking out of the theater and haggling for a refund.
These movies don't mean to suck usually but they do. And this is the reason why: it's always the same plot/cookie cutter storyline where even the most uninspiring script writer can land a movie deal. I'll even make this interesting by allowing you to fill in the blanks while illustrating what I mean.For example:
(Will Smith/Bruce Willis/Tom Cruise)_______________ play a (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)_______________ whose talents are necessary to (retrieve a sensitive document/foil a terrorist plot/protect the life of someone important)________________. The (asshole chief of police/aging colonel/senior FBI agent)_________________ has at his disposal an armada of people and high-tech gadgetry, yet simply cannot pull the mission off without this one person.
From there the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)________________ wrestles with his conscience about taking the job because (he lost his partner on the job/his wife left him/his child died)___________________ despite not having the ability to save them, and is reluctant to sign on out of fear of what could happen again. After meeting his (token black partner/hot chick agent/SWAT Team buddies)___________________, he happens to locate a (crucial piece of evidence/victim that survived/former bad guy with a change of heart)_______________that was there all along but was over-looked by an entire task force. He then manages to (crack the hidden meaning/infiltrate the terrorist organization/rescue the important person)_____________ at the same time meet the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator) and carry out a 30 minute diatribe as to how their misunderstood ambitions are truly altruistic in nature, and the (down and out cop/ex-military/secret agent)_____________ is on the wrong side and should join them.
The movie involves a (car chase/gun shoot-out/chase on foot)__________ where his (token black partner/hot chick agent/SWAT Team buddies) get mortally wounded, motivating the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)___________ to capture the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)__________ at all costs. He then gets the special piece of equipment that makes all the difference in the world and takes the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)___________ head on, killing his henchmen without having to reload his weapon once. By this stage of the movie, the (sensitive document/terrorist plot/life of someone important)__________ takes a back-burner and the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)__________ has a bone to pick with the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)__________. Instead of admitting guilt, the (crime boss/terrorist leader/Banana Republic dictator)__________ choses death over prison or any other form of rehabilitation and the (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)__________ saves the day.
Magically enough, the (token black partner/hot chick agent/SWAT Team buddies)__________ have pulled through and are now stabilized in the hospital, only to return in the future sequel film to add more comic relief. The (down-and-out cop/ex-military/secret agent)__________ learns a new perspective of responsibility and how one person truly can make all the difference despite the armada of equally trained people and high-tech gadgetry at the (asshole chief of police/aging colonel/senior FBI agent)__________ had at their fingertips. End the film with a shitty feel-good hit of the summer song and there you have your cookie-cutter shitty film.
Please people, if what I have just described still sounds like your idea of family entertainment, --PLEASE-- send me the $20 you're planning to spend next Friday or Saturday night going to see this festering cow-turd of a film instead. I have a video game habit to support and would rather see you throw your money away on someone far more entertaining such as myself, than some boob of a moron like Joel Silver or Jerry Bruckheimer. At the very least you will get an e-mail from me thanking you for your donation as well as the chance to read more of my exploits here. I don't see these Hollywood producers taking the time to thank their fans, yet you will always get some sort of acknowledgement from me.
And I'll even save you a slice of pizza if you wanna come over to my place!
posted by Machine at 3:53 AM
1 Comments:
Yeah but are you gonna send me $20 like I asked?
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