Girlfriends
I've always had shitty luck with women. I just don't know why either.
Perhaps it's because I was raised in the fucked-up, stereotypical dysfunctional family of the 80's, or perhaps having an over-bearing mother instilled in me the disdain for uber-bitch femin-nazis, but whatever the reason it is, I've just had shitty luck all around.
Perhaps because I don't succumb to the false prophets of American media, and I don't fake the funk like some wanna-be thug, I'm just now "down" with the ladies. I don't speak ebonics and refuse to wear my pants down around my ass, nor do I enjoy hip-hop, crunk, or that awful gangta rap that people so idolize. I resemble more of the Death Metal version of "Where's Waldo" than I do Eminem or Fred Durst.
Perhaps with more women becoming lesbians, my chances are scoring more trim have decreased along with just getting older. While some people will debate that older women are easier to pick up, I still just don't see it when I try striking up a conversation with a potential fuck-interest. I've also come to learn the majority of older women are bitter, wretched hags that won't think twice about ripping your dick off with their demon claws, the moment you say something retarded. "Hey babe, lemme tell yah something funny. The other day I farted in the elevator just as the last person got in, and when people started gagging and choking, I blamed it on your mom! It was HILARIOUS!"
*rrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppppppppp~ !!!!!!!*
I don't claim to be a good listener. I don't claim to have a 10 inch dick or know how to act smooth in public or socially embarassing situations. But one thing I do claim is despite having an overwhelming strike-out ratio when it comes to the ladies, I leave my baggage at the door. Not once has any girlfriend heard me say "Well my last girlfriend blah blah blah........." or something alot those lines since it just opens things up for an argument and no sex for that night. I also claim to being a straight-shooter and I don't fuck around behind a girl's back. We're either together or we're not. It's that simple. Perhaps that's where I go wrong.
I remember the time I met a girl named Sonia. Sonia lived in Chicago and she was this hot Italian chick with big titties and curves in all the right places. Like most socially-inept nerds, I met her on the internet and flew out to meet her. We hit it off via e-mail and live chat, and the only thing left was the face to face confrontation.
Let's just say I'm glad the plane ticket was a summer special air-saver and that spending $198 round-trip saved me in more ways than just financially. During the 3 or 4 days I went to see her, we just didn't have the chemistry we'd hoped for. Maybe there was just too much pressure on the both of us, or perhaps there was just nothing from the start, but somehow I just didn't measure up to her standards. I guess her idea of a man was the stereotypical wife-beater asshole that slaps women around and lies through his teeth. Needless to say I'm the exact opposite of that, although some people would disagree. This girl was literally crying as she drove me to the airport a few days later, sobbing how she didn't "understand" what was "wrong with her". "Machine, you treat me so nice, and you're really considerate, but I just don't find you ATTRACTIVE ~ ! Even all my friends say they can't see me dating you, I just don't understand ~!" *bawl*. "Jeezus, am I really that pathetic?" I thought to myself as this girl is going down the road causing a scene. To see a 34 year old woman cry is quite a sight, especially when you've been every bit a gentleman to both her and her friends. She said something about wanting me to try to fuck her on the first night we went bar-hopping but she was hella drunk and I don't play date-rape. Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Needless to say I've learned that love truly does not conquer all, and for once I took the advice of a previous fuck-interest that back-fired horribly - but that's a story that we won't go there until much, much later in the future perhaps. The bottom line is that most women say they want one thing when in reality they want the opposite. They say they want a guy that will treat them right, when in reality they want someone that will have their hand up their skirt while shooting a load in their mouth. Feel free to say I'm full of shit, but it's the truth as I know it.
Perhaps it's because I was raised in the fucked-up, stereotypical dysfunctional family of the 80's, or perhaps having an over-bearing mother instilled in me the disdain for uber-bitch femin-nazis, but whatever the reason it is, I've just had shitty luck all around.
Perhaps because I don't succumb to the false prophets of American media, and I don't fake the funk like some wanna-be thug, I'm just now "down" with the ladies. I don't speak ebonics and refuse to wear my pants down around my ass, nor do I enjoy hip-hop, crunk, or that awful gangta rap that people so idolize. I resemble more of the Death Metal version of "Where's Waldo" than I do Eminem or Fred Durst.
Perhaps with more women becoming lesbians, my chances are scoring more trim have decreased along with just getting older. While some people will debate that older women are easier to pick up, I still just don't see it when I try striking up a conversation with a potential fuck-interest. I've also come to learn the majority of older women are bitter, wretched hags that won't think twice about ripping your dick off with their demon claws, the moment you say something retarded. "Hey babe, lemme tell yah something funny. The other day I farted in the elevator just as the last person got in, and when people started gagging and choking, I blamed it on your mom! It was HILARIOUS!"
*rrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppppppppp~ !!!!!!!*
I don't claim to be a good listener. I don't claim to have a 10 inch dick or know how to act smooth in public or socially embarassing situations. But one thing I do claim is despite having an overwhelming strike-out ratio when it comes to the ladies, I leave my baggage at the door. Not once has any girlfriend heard me say "Well my last girlfriend blah blah blah........." or something alot those lines since it just opens things up for an argument and no sex for that night. I also claim to being a straight-shooter and I don't fuck around behind a girl's back. We're either together or we're not. It's that simple. Perhaps that's where I go wrong.
I remember the time I met a girl named Sonia. Sonia lived in Chicago and she was this hot Italian chick with big titties and curves in all the right places. Like most socially-inept nerds, I met her on the internet and flew out to meet her. We hit it off via e-mail and live chat, and the only thing left was the face to face confrontation.
Let's just say I'm glad the plane ticket was a summer special air-saver and that spending $198 round-trip saved me in more ways than just financially. During the 3 or 4 days I went to see her, we just didn't have the chemistry we'd hoped for. Maybe there was just too much pressure on the both of us, or perhaps there was just nothing from the start, but somehow I just didn't measure up to her standards. I guess her idea of a man was the stereotypical wife-beater asshole that slaps women around and lies through his teeth. Needless to say I'm the exact opposite of that, although some people would disagree. This girl was literally crying as she drove me to the airport a few days later, sobbing how she didn't "understand" what was "wrong with her". "Machine, you treat me so nice, and you're really considerate, but I just don't find you ATTRACTIVE ~ ! Even all my friends say they can't see me dating you, I just don't understand ~!" *bawl*. "Jeezus, am I really that pathetic?" I thought to myself as this girl is going down the road causing a scene. To see a 34 year old woman cry is quite a sight, especially when you've been every bit a gentleman to both her and her friends. She said something about wanting me to try to fuck her on the first night we went bar-hopping but she was hella drunk and I don't play date-rape. Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Needless to say I've learned that love truly does not conquer all, and for once I took the advice of a previous fuck-interest that back-fired horribly - but that's a story that we won't go there until much, much later in the future perhaps. The bottom line is that most women say they want one thing when in reality they want the opposite. They say they want a guy that will treat them right, when in reality they want someone that will have their hand up their skirt while shooting a load in their mouth. Feel free to say I'm full of shit, but it's the truth as I know it.
posted by Machine at 11:54 AM
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