Social Disorders

For some reason I get mild panic attacks from time to time.

Social phobia.

I'm not the kind of person that breaks down having some kind of conniption fit or the kind that is crunched over in the corner, breathing into a paper bag, but I do suffer from mild anxiety disorders from time to time.

I will be out in public having a great time, and next thing I know - BAM - I just want to get the fuck outta there immediately. Or I am just minding my own business and suddenly I don't feel right around the people I see. They're not threatening me or insulting me or anything, yet I feel that for the life of me these fuckers want to see me dead. I'm not wearing anything to warrant a dirty look but they've got their eyes locked on me.

Open areas kind of do it for me too. I'm the kind of person that actually enjoys enclosed spaces, but not confined spaces. I've never suffered from the fear that the walls are closing in around me, but just the opposite. Some how I freak out over large groups of people and open areas like parking lots, football stadiums, and airport terminals. Public speaking doesn't bother me although trying to find somewhere to sit in an already crowded theater or bus makes me feel just as uneasy. It's weird.

Perhaps I am just over-reacting. Perhaps it's been because I've been stuck on the ass-end of the world that is known as Kunsan, Korea where everyone has a shitty attitude because this place is run like such a goddamned prison camp, and nobody can properly vent their frustrations the way they want to. This mentality, multiplied by the 4 times I've been to this shit hole of a country is probably what has fueled it's growth into what it is today.

CrazyGirl made the comment on another blog how she felt her time in Korea put her behind the power curve on so many cool things happening in the States, and how estranged she felt to other people at first. I can relate completely. Every time I return to the U.S., either for a visit or on a semi-permanent basis, I feel like I cannot connect with whatever people are around me. I feel like I am more of a guest in my own city than an actual local. It wasn't so bad when I went to Hawaii last year since Honolulu and Waikiki are nothing more than tourist traps for rich, snotty Japanese looking to spend a shitload of cash. To the Japanese, if you spend a shitload of cash in Hawaii, you're one of the "beautiful people". Because I had a blend of both US and Asian culture at my fingertips, it served as good cross-roads for me to transition back into the US mainstream again, had I actually returned mainland. I never did. Instead, I went back to Japan where I was living and then back to this prison cell instead.

Considering I've spent a combined 8 years in Asia, I have absolutely no fucking idea what people are into, aside from what I see in the movies and whatever little fucktards running around happen to be wearing. Alot of it is still ghetto crap from what I see, which is directly reflected in the music that's being played too. I could care less for either. Perhaps in some way I'm better off staying away from America for the time being, considering there's nothing worth listening to, the US Constitution is being disembowled by the Religious Reich, and Ashton Kutcher is considered to be the coolest dude in Hollywood for the moment.

Que putas.