My Van

I miss my van.

When I was living in Misawa, I decided to buy a van when I first arrived, strictly out of financial reasons. In Japan, the Japanese have what's called Japanese Compulsory Insurance also known as JCI, which is required for anyone owning a vehicle to have accomplished every 2-3 years. Essentially the inspection ensures the vehicle is "roadworthy", but in reality it's how the Japanese goverment rapes the wallets and purses of anyone residing in their country.

Now JCI depending on the vehicle, can be anywhere from $1000 all the way up $3000+, depending on the scruples of the auto inspector versus what really needs repair. For my van it costed me roughly $800 for the inspector to ensure all my lights worked, the brakes and engine functioned properly, and that the tires weren't balding. As it turned out, I needed a new brake light, a rear tire rim needed replacement and one of my brake pads needed to be changed. So for $800 I suppose the cost of parts and labor somehow worked its way in there.

Anycase, now that bit of boring trivia on owning a vehicle in Japan is out of the way, on with the story.

My involvement with the occult has a checkered history. Perhaps saying a "reserved use" is more appropriate. Either way with great power comes great responsibility, and is not to be squandered on trivial things. Because the Air Force is predominantly Judeo-Christian in nature, I've had run-ins previously with Jesus Freaks and Holier-Than-Thou types that piss me off to no end. While I don't go around putting Satanic pentagrams or inverted crosses on my desk at work or anything, the fact these assholes can post Bible scriptures and pictures of Jesus in the work place truly proves to be a double-standard.

Not one to shit where I eat/work/live or anything, I figured I could show resistance to all the WASPS and Southern Baptists by decorating my van with a predominantly Rock n Roll/Devil theme. Slowly I started collecting stickers from kick-ass places like www.posterpop.com and www.coopstuff.com since they remind me of how real life is outside of the military, back home in Southern California. Surprisingly enough, the Japanese have a knack for this kind of thing too at the nearby Shimoda Mall, where I was able to find more stuff to plaster on my van. Skulls, naked demon chicks, even Beavis & Butthead stickers all found their way on the back.

Nobody ever gave me shit about having my van decorated this way. Not once ever. I would drive around base with Death Metal blaring from the open windows, making mothers clutch their frightened children and others roll their eyes in disgust at me. I thought the ultimate would come when I found a Satan Fish emblem similar to the Jesus Fish emblem when I went to the Pearl Ridge Shopping Center when I visited Hawaii in 2003, and placed it proudly upon the left side of the vehicle. I was expecting some asshole to slash my tires or leave one of those annoying Chick Tracts the Christians are so obcessed with underneath one of the wiper blades, showing me the folly of my ways and to repent before it was too late. I don't know if it was out of fear most people avoided saying something or the fact they knew I was doing it for shits n' grins, but I remained undisturbed the entire time I was there.

Ultimately I had to sell my van before coming to Korea. I scraped off the majority of the stickers since I knew no 'normal' (read: lame) Air Force weenie would purchase something plastered with Satanic imagery and be seen driving it around on base. I removed everything except for the Coop Wrench Devil on the very back and the In-n-Out Burger sticker with matching side-flames, and sure enough I sold it the last week I left.

When I returned earlier this month, I saw my old van two times. It looked like the dude I purchased it from just let it go to total shit, but still left the decals on there. The rear bumper was also missing. I never had a chance to talk with the dude but think that he didn't care for its upkeep the way I did. It was kinda weird seeing a vehicle I had previously owned in the care of someone else.

It's through this whole experience that I want to buy a black van, preferrably one of those old Econoline series that's painted black and has various rust patches if and when I ever return to the States. I can get a CD player with blown speakers installed and go barreling down the residential streets and highways to all the Slayer I want to until my black little heart is content, and go hang out in the seedy red light districts of whatever city I find myself traveling to on a whim. I'd keep a shotgun and 9mm side arm handy for anyone foolish enough to try jacking my ride or giving me shit for having a giant inverted cross hanging from my rear-view mirror. For finishing touches, I would have riot guards installed around the headlights and a carhorn so loud it would wake the dead when used.



Something kinda like this!!