T.P. for my bung-hole

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

I swear to fucking Christ, I'm sitting on the commode today on my lunch break, taking a dump, when I notice I've ran out of paper. Being the ever-resourceful person I am, I keep extra rolls of T.P. nearby, for such an unfortunate event. Well, just like Lemon Snickey, this became a series of unfortunate events! MY series of unfortunate events!

I reach down for a new roll, and I see MOLD growing all over this goddamned thing. It takes me a second to register the fact that I am going to have to WIPE MY ASS with this foul thing! No fucking way! I could get some weird fungal infection up my butt-crack and then have to explain to the doctor why it is I need antibiotic cream used to treat GYN disorders for my ass. It ain't happening.

Luckily there's another roll nearby that is unscathed and ready for action. The humidity here in Korea has dampened the paper also, so it's not doing the job it's supposed to do either.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

And I have to be back at work in 5 minutes too! I have no choice in the matter, other than to use the wilted toilet paper and then make a run for it to the nearest bathroom I find with a fresh supply and steal a roll for future use. I finish business, wash my hands, and then run all the way back to work the whole time praying my ass doesn't leave any skid marks on the inside of my boxers.

I made it back to work without so much a concern and snuck into the janitor's closet the first chance I could to get a fresh roll of T.P. for my barracks room. Like hell if I'm going to have that same sitch repeat itself! Talk about some weird shit, pun completely intended.