Assholes Anonymous

Perhaps some of you are wondering how the hell "Machine's Short Bus Mafia" has anything to do with the name of my link, black rusted van. Simple. "Short Bus Mafia" was already taken by some undeserving fucker here at Blogger and I had to make do with another equally creative, yet just as fucked-up name to describe what I'm all about. Less is more, and I like to let your imagination do the rest.

But the story of how the Short Bus Mafia never came to be deserves a blog entry here, although it was originally posted over a year ago at My Space as a means of starting up my profile there. Needless to say, my profile there flounders a year later, while my Blog has an almost daily update provided, with twice as many hits than that festering cyber-turd.

Originally I had the idea of making the Short Bus Mafia into another cheesey Death-Metal band. In the same spirit of Venom or Spinal Tap, I was going to use parody as the theme and Death Metal as the medium to deliver it. Just as rap music had Easy-E, I was going to be known officially as Easy-F (because I never study), and my friend Dan from Misawa (see previous entries) would be known as Dee Minus, while my other friend Danny (also blogged here) would be known as Special Ed. With songs like Ann Curry's Satanic Love Child, Assholes Anonymous and Klingons from Your Anus we thought we were big time. Our official motto was "We'll steal your lunch money....and your soul too!" I even have the lyrics if you want to see them sometime.

We would have jam sessions all the time but none of us knew what the Hell we were doing. We would all bring different styles to the table only none of them seem to fit together. I would want to do Deicide-inspired crunches while Dee Minus wanted to do crap from A Perfect Circle. Special Ed wanted to do 80's guitar solos and the whole damn thing sounded like shit. Musically we were tone deaf kindergarteners instead of the serious musicians trying to carve a name for themselves in the music industry that we sought to be. The fact none of us knew how to READ music didn't help things much either. "Aw fuck it" I fumed. "We suck. Bad. Even Spinal Tap and Venom had some talent. We have NO talent". And before Short Bus Mafia ever started, we officially broke up.

A shame too, because I really wanted to shoot an album cover while we were aspiring assholes but because we were all living in Japan, we couldn't make it happen due to various reasons. Language barrier was the obvious for one, but the Japanese don't have short buses as we know them, nor are their retards paraded around in public the way ours are. It's considered a shame upon the entire family to have a kid with a physical or mental defect in Asia, with the majority of people here viewing it as being some generational curse brought on by some ancestor's carelessness at one point in time. Instead of caring for these kids, they give them away to orphanages or keep them locked up away from the public and deal with the shame silently. Of course the majority of you God-Fearing Christians will take offense to what I'm saying but it's the truth as I've witnessed it here for the past 8 years I've lived in Asia now. Pick a fight with the Asians, not me if you're that incensed.

Anycase, I imagined having a short bus in the background with the 3 of us all dressed in black in the foreground, looking really fierce, with some retarded kid in the middle between us, wearing a helmet with a chin strap, both legs in braces and walking canes on each arm, like that crippled kid from South Park, and make it look like we're about to threaten him for his lunch money. Then, the inside cover would have all 3 of us knocked the fuck out and laying on the ground with black eyes, fat lips, and our heads split open, with the same retarded kid holding both walking canes in the air, screaming in defiance as he kicked all our asses. It would be the funniest fucking thing ever, but some goddamned parent group or religious group would fail to see the humor in it and we'd get our asses kicked by the Christian SWAT Team or something.

I still want to continue the spirit of the Short Bus Mafia on my own and when I return to the States next month, have my sister talk to some of her artsy friends and convince one of her drama department buddies to do a free photo shoot of me next to a short bus. While I won't be picking on any retard kids, if I can have one of them show up and make it look like he's kicking my ass, it would be hella funny and would suit this blogspot all the more. I'll have her friends paint my face like those fuckers in Norway do - King Diamond comes to mind automatically, or better yet the guys from Dimmu Borgir. Hell they fucking rock, but who the hell is going to take them seriously looking like KISS rejects? Please! Apparently they do, but not the rest of us.

Another thing I'd like to do is to have some hot chick wear a "Short Bus Mafia" t-shirt and pose wearing it for the photo shoot. She doesn't have to be naked or anything like that, but has to look extremely burnt out and slutty in order to get the part. I'm thinking Marla Singer from Fight Club gone goth with all sorts of fucked up colors in her hair, but it's negotiable. If something like this sounds interesting to you, then shoot me an e-mail with your photo to shortbusmafia@yahoo.com and put as the title Short Bus Mafia Chick. At the very least you would have to act animated for the photo shoot, which would last no more than 1 day tops. As a form of payment, I will take you out drinking or just hand you a fucking bottle of Jack Daniels if I really find you to be that annoying. Serious inquires only.

All in all, I think the Short Bus Mafia would've been a really kick-ass underground band. Not in the sense of G.G. Allin pissing off the PTA and Religious Right, but more like The Ramones from their Rock n' Roll High School movie. Campy, cheesey, and most of all a parody of ourselves, only to be forgotten less than a year later by Revolver and Outburn magazine readers. Unless I meet some people that are interested in forming a new band, the Short Bus Mafia is nothing more than a reference to stoner humor, and a foreshadow to future employment working as a bus driver on my part, for the New Jersey school systems.



You're either on or off.....the short bus!!