Happy Birthday to Me

Wow. The nicest fucking thing a total stranger did for me today! Megan you rock.

So, you're wanting to know a little more about me on this wonderful day. Well exactly 34 years ago, my mother popped me out and had no idea what she would unleash upon the world. Little did she know that I would become the seasoned conniseur of fart jokes and internet porn, and a-mass an internet following to the extent I have. While it's still small potatoes compared to some of my other colleagues, there's always room for improvement and plenty of more seats to be added on the Short Bus before all is said and done.

Well, what justification does someone like me have to celebrate a birthday? Have I done anything remotely wonderful with my life? Have I helped progress science or medicine in any way? Have I asserted myself as a philantropist in some way or another? Have I aspired to higher standards of conduct and gentleman persuasion perhaps?

The answer is NO.

I have done none of the above. If anything I have proven that some people are just a waste of flesh whose sole purpose is to entertain others with their misfortunes. Aside from stringing a few titty dancers along with false hopes and contradictions, and behaving like a pain in the ass to the truly deserving, my greatest contribution to humanity has been that of defiance and overall disgust. Like Lucifer the Morning Star, I enjoy mankind's vices and indulge frequently in everything I can that is legal, alcohol and pornography especially. I revell in the fact that people like me are the purpose why the PTA and the Religious Right have a reason to get up in the morning and scream that the world is coming to an end. Silly rabbits! You just throw more fuel on the fire!



Perhaps some day I will die in a horrible accident involving rubber underwear and a Russian midget named Olga, and my body will be donated to science where I will finally be of some use after all. I'd like to think the doctor using my cadaver will discover the cure for hemorrhoids or perhaps something equally plaguing mankind like Space Herpes. They will detect the gene which causes it located in my ass, and humanity will be saved. Eh. On second thought, fuck that. I'd rather someone throw my corpse in a wood chipper and let the run-off get into the local drinking water instead, where I will infect people with my stupidity-genes and becoming immortal once and for all.

Is that asking too much for a birthday wish?

Anycase, when we get around to it, my sister and I are supposed to go to a titty-bar to celebrate, only she's off doing some stupid yoga meditation crap, and the retards at my credit card company still haven't cleared the checks I mailed in over a week ago, so I'm stuck with internet porn for the time being. I'm supposed to have a Vegas trip coming up shortly so perhaps I should save my ribauld behavior for a place more fitting? Yep. I definitely think so!