An open letter to the Airline Companies
Dear Airline Companies,
Hello. You don't know me. I am known simply as "The Machine" and I will keep it that way. Anything else is pointless and otherwise a waste of time and chances are you wouldn't give two shits anyways if I turned out to be some MIT geek with a 6 figure income salary that just discovered the cure for herpes.
Instead, I write you all an open letter, so please feel free to correspond. Chances are you won't but still, for shits n' grins purposes I say this. Just like that dude from "Nice People Suck", I believe it is high time these issues become addressed. I will write this out in plain, simple English, so there are no misunderstandings or miscommunications your legalese lawyers like to twist around and conjugate. Fuck that. Instead, you're getting the writing of a 5th grade Elementary school education, so if it sounds overly stupid, I am doing it to match wits with your CEOs.
First of all - make a separate compartment for families to fly in from the rest of the passengers. Divide the plane in half and put families in the back and people traveling single in the front. Do away with First Class or Business Class or whatever the horseshit is called and keep it simple. You fuckers are going to pack us in like sardines regardless, so get rid of the silly notion that more money brings better service.
After dividing the plane in half with equal seating in both sections, place sound-proof reinforced glass directly in the center so we don't have to listen to all those goddamned infants and toddlers throw those fucking temper tantrums, and we can travel in peace and quiet. My flight from Narita Tokyo to LAX was over 9 hours and I did not get a wink of sleep on account of some precocious 2 year old sitting behind me crying every 15 fucking minutes. Jeezus Fucking Christ you pricks need to fly some time with some brat screaming in your ear. The shit gets old quick, and no ear plugs or headphones loud enough can drown out the cries of a fussy toddler.
Secondly - get better movie selections. The re-run of "Friends" that has been shown for the 53rd time this week is not funny nor entertaining. My favorite part of the show is when the series got canceled, and don't want to be reminded of how much of a suck-ass actor Matt LeBlanc is. He's irritating, and your selection of "Family Entertainment" is irritating. "Robots" my ass. I ended up watching "Spider Man 2" on my Sony PSP in order to avoid watching that crap, and still that goddamned 2 year old ruined that too. Get some cool shows instead like Monster Truck racing or 2 hour programs on the world's worst airline crashes. Include cut-scenes of trauma victims, decapitations, and carnage galore. That way you know people will take that obnoxious safety briefing seriously for a change.
Thirdly and finally - get some flight attendants that aren't past their prime. While the hottie that was serving me looked like the Queen of the Mile High club with the lights dimmed, once normal cabin lighting was turned on again, I thought I had seen The Bride of Frankenstein. Fucking Christ, is it too much to ask you to spend the extra $1.75 an hour on wages and get a former Penthouse model to work the cabin instead of Brunehilda the Merciless serving water and pretzels with a broad sword in one hand while sporting a 5 o'clock shadow? This woman was so huge it took her two trips to haul ass, and the fact her hair-do resembled an animal biting its leg off to escape does not instill customer satisfaction on my part either. And for the record, yes we know all the male flight attendants are gay. You might as well hire the fucking Village People and require them to wear matching pink cardigan sweaters and jogging outfits, it can't be any more blatant. Richard Simmons could be your H.R. advisor.
I hate flying. But I also hate taking a boat or sitting in the car for extended periods of time, so until Captain Kirk learns to teleport us from Your Anus, I have no choice but to stick with flying as my primary means of transportation. Perhaps someone like Mr Garrison from South Park will develop an "IT" cycle and force you fuckers to really focus on the customer's needs and wants instead of sitting smugly behind your coporate desks, smoking a big blue cigar while stoking the fire place with $100 bills as your company profits soar from our hard earned money. Chances are your wife doesn't need another Botox injection anyways and your kids' therapist is really a hack prescribing placebos anyways.
Sincerely,
Machine
Hello. You don't know me. I am known simply as "The Machine" and I will keep it that way. Anything else is pointless and otherwise a waste of time and chances are you wouldn't give two shits anyways if I turned out to be some MIT geek with a 6 figure income salary that just discovered the cure for herpes.
Instead, I write you all an open letter, so please feel free to correspond. Chances are you won't but still, for shits n' grins purposes I say this. Just like that dude from "Nice People Suck", I believe it is high time these issues become addressed. I will write this out in plain, simple English, so there are no misunderstandings or miscommunications your legalese lawyers like to twist around and conjugate. Fuck that. Instead, you're getting the writing of a 5th grade Elementary school education, so if it sounds overly stupid, I am doing it to match wits with your CEOs.
First of all - make a separate compartment for families to fly in from the rest of the passengers. Divide the plane in half and put families in the back and people traveling single in the front. Do away with First Class or Business Class or whatever the horseshit is called and keep it simple. You fuckers are going to pack us in like sardines regardless, so get rid of the silly notion that more money brings better service.
After dividing the plane in half with equal seating in both sections, place sound-proof reinforced glass directly in the center so we don't have to listen to all those goddamned infants and toddlers throw those fucking temper tantrums, and we can travel in peace and quiet. My flight from Narita Tokyo to LAX was over 9 hours and I did not get a wink of sleep on account of some precocious 2 year old sitting behind me crying every 15 fucking minutes. Jeezus Fucking Christ you pricks need to fly some time with some brat screaming in your ear. The shit gets old quick, and no ear plugs or headphones loud enough can drown out the cries of a fussy toddler.
Secondly - get better movie selections. The re-run of "Friends" that has been shown for the 53rd time this week is not funny nor entertaining. My favorite part of the show is when the series got canceled, and don't want to be reminded of how much of a suck-ass actor Matt LeBlanc is. He's irritating, and your selection of "Family Entertainment" is irritating. "Robots" my ass. I ended up watching "Spider Man 2" on my Sony PSP in order to avoid watching that crap, and still that goddamned 2 year old ruined that too. Get some cool shows instead like Monster Truck racing or 2 hour programs on the world's worst airline crashes. Include cut-scenes of trauma victims, decapitations, and carnage galore. That way you know people will take that obnoxious safety briefing seriously for a change.
Thirdly and finally - get some flight attendants that aren't past their prime. While the hottie that was serving me looked like the Queen of the Mile High club with the lights dimmed, once normal cabin lighting was turned on again, I thought I had seen The Bride of Frankenstein. Fucking Christ, is it too much to ask you to spend the extra $1.75 an hour on wages and get a former Penthouse model to work the cabin instead of Brunehilda the Merciless serving water and pretzels with a broad sword in one hand while sporting a 5 o'clock shadow? This woman was so huge it took her two trips to haul ass, and the fact her hair-do resembled an animal biting its leg off to escape does not instill customer satisfaction on my part either. And for the record, yes we know all the male flight attendants are gay. You might as well hire the fucking Village People and require them to wear matching pink cardigan sweaters and jogging outfits, it can't be any more blatant. Richard Simmons could be your H.R. advisor.
I hate flying. But I also hate taking a boat or sitting in the car for extended periods of time, so until Captain Kirk learns to teleport us from Your Anus, I have no choice but to stick with flying as my primary means of transportation. Perhaps someone like Mr Garrison from South Park will develop an "IT" cycle and force you fuckers to really focus on the customer's needs and wants instead of sitting smugly behind your coporate desks, smoking a big blue cigar while stoking the fire place with $100 bills as your company profits soar from our hard earned money. Chances are your wife doesn't need another Botox injection anyways and your kids' therapist is really a hack prescribing placebos anyways.
Sincerely,
Machine
posted by Machine at 6:32 AM
1 Comments:
that was hot! you should take a trip on hooters air sometime....i wanna hear your commentary on that! lol!
glad you are home safely!
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