Metal Heads

If it's one thing I enjoy, it's watching cheesey B-movies. The fucking cheesier, the better, especially if they have lots of gore and lots of titties. Movies like Lord of the Strings, Spinal Tap, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Seed of Chucky serve as a perfect examples as to what I mean. Metal Heads comes close, but just falls short, even by my standards, which is pretty fucking low to begin with! If you've ever entertained the idea of watching such shitty films as Chick Boxer and Galaxy of the Dinosaurs, this is right up the same alley. Usually you can find these films in the $10 section of Wal-Mart, or in this case, Blue Meannie Records (as mentioned previously).

In a nutshell, this movie tries to take on a Cheech & Chong meets The Furry Freak Brothers approach with the drug humor and stoner hi-jinks, but just falls short terribly. And by terribly I mean shitty. The death metal soundtrack is a joke, the majority of the movie is out of focus, and the acting is so bad, the junior high theater guild could pull off a better job doing these overweight losers. How this whole thing ever got pieced together to begin with is a real miracle in itself.

The story takes place in New Jersey and revolves around Bill Zebub and how much a total loser he is - he can't hold down a job and sponges of his girlfriend for everything - a typical hessian boyfriend by some standards. He does all sorts of shit to make a quick buck from selling videos of an ex-girlfriend that everyone jerks off to, to selling his KISS t-shirts to some dweeb for some fast cash. You see him get stoned with his loser friends, get trashed at a party, and try to pick up chicks at the library, all without success. Just when his luck can't get any worse, the Heavy Metal Lottery comes to New Jersey, and all you need are just 3 lucky numbers to win. So what 3 numbers does he choose to play? 666 - what else would a true metal head play? Well, his loser friend ends up rolling a joint with the winning ticket number and smokes it just as he finds out too late. The movie has its moments like the fight at the pizza parlor they have as well as the way they portray cops as being nazis, but over all it just sucks. Bill Zeebub seems like he is genuinely a funny guy away from the camera, but the whole thing just straight up sucks. By the way I make it sound, it could really come together well on paper, but similar to the Holy Bible and the Communist Manifesto, its actual application just gets fucked up by everyone trying to implement it.

Movies like Spun do a better job of portraying American loser counter-culture than this film does, despite being made by the very people they represent. A shame too since I was really hoping to get a good laugh out of it all. If you want to get revenge on an ex of yours, get them this film. The $10 you spend will well be worth it. Or, if you're drunk and wanna watch real-life Beavis and Butthead characters act like ass-clowns, this movie is right up your alley.

I don't expect much from Hollywood these days since everything is a sham and have instead turned to independent films primarily for entertainment. Even low-budget shitty films like Metal Heads should have some merit, but I can't even lump them in with the other low-brow cinema I mentioned. The only thing that saves this from being a complete festering dog-turd is the fact they have a solid T & A content going.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this film like the plague.