Feral

It's almost been a year since I left Korea and I'm just not adapting well to life as we know it.

Hear me out - this isn't some whiney bitch session or someone looking for some therapy group - fuck that. This is merely an explanation as to what goes on inside my head day in and day out when I have to interact with people, agencies, and what not that are so accustomed to having it way fucking easy and don't have the first clue as to what it's like to live somewhere with little freedoms presented to them.

Korea is one such place where you're in a prison-style environment depending on where you go. Not so much up towards Seoul but get away from the big city to some of these smaller camps or air bases and it's quite obvious how oppresive things are run. Everything is controlled from the cinder block barracks room you stay in to the merchandise you're allowed to purchase. Because black marketing is so rampant they track peoples spending habits very closely as well. Your ability to travel is severely restricted since the majority of people are not allowed a personal vehicle and even so there's a curfew in effect most of the time. WHERE you can travel is also restricted to include local facilities that are deemed "off limits". All of this is done in the name of "security" reasons yet for a country on the "brink of war" I felt safer up by the DMZ than I did when I visited New York City. I had armed North Korean guards staring at me too, mind you.

Anycase you're only allowed minimal possessions while over there since it's considered a "remote" assignment and if you're not applying yourself by attending school or volunteering for some feel-good charity when you're off duty, chances are you're drinking yourself into oblivion or doing something equally self-destructive. I won't go into details. Now mix this all in with the continual training and preparing for a war that will most likely never happen and the anti-American sentiment that has been growing ever so slowly the past 50 years or so and it all takes its toll. While I've never done jail time in my life I'm quite certain that if I ever did end up behind bars I'd be better prepared for the initial shock of prison life than perhaps some CEO or soccer mom commiting a white collar crime would. In such a harsh environment you learn quickly who you really are and it rubs off on you one way or the other. Most people that go there only last a year and then never bother doing another remote assignment since the separation from family and friends is just too much to ask for.

Not me.

I've done 4 remote assignments over there now and it has been the "norm" for me, as fucked up and as dysfunctional as the place is. I feel as if I've become feral in nature and trying to introduce me back into society after being there so many times just isn't working the way it should. For example - I avoid most anything that has to do with children - they can be well behaved or throwing a fucking temper tantrum but I want nothing to do with them either way. I don't hate children but I don't know how to interact to them anymore. The same goes for all the domesticated people who have never shared the same experience or a similar experience even once. If I go to a bar or to some social gathering I just see scared animated puppets for the most part chasing whatever bullshit fantasy lie they've been fed by the media. They chase oblivion by filling their empty souls with the latest fashion, the "coolest" new beverage and parrot whatever media celebrity is currently popular with their trite sayings and anecdotes. They see me and while they can't put their fingers on it, they know that I'm different from they are despite my ordinary appearance and polite (but very distant) behavior.

I hate the sight of mini-vans and SUVs. I don't give two shits if you have tickets to the Lakers game for next Wednesday night or whatever. Who gives a fuck what Conan O'Brien said on Late Night or what the stupid article in Maxim magazine says about improving your sex life. Golf sucks and all you stupid assholes that can't survive one minute without your cell phones or your Starbuck's coffee need to shut the fuck up. You're pathetic. Take your goddamned Ipod and shove it up your fucking ass, and your fucking Blackberry while you're at it too. See if it still gets wireless service all the way up in your descending colon you fucking moron.

I will never fully reintegrate with society and that's a fact. While I might blend in I will always be forever changed from my experiences over there and will avoid most people who have no idea. I have become feral in a sense and would love to do all sorts of shit that I won't go into details about in this medium, since I have no desire to return to a prison style environment. Primal. Instead I will say that if you can relate to Chuck Palahaniuk's Fight Club then you have a basic concept of what goes through my mind day in and day out. Counseling, therapy, psychology or whatever crybaby bullshit band-aid you want to call it is a fucking crock and a waste of time. Learn to deal with your fucking problems I say - don't hide behind some over-priced pill or abstract concept being droned into your head from some asshole who died over 100 years ago. I won't even if it kills me some day.



You go through the fire enough times and nothing can stop you.


I'm one with the fire.