A solution
Okay.
Last night I eluded to having take 3 dumps in one day. Holy fucking Christ it was horrible! I can only imagine what people were thinking when walking by the men's room despite the multiple courtesy flushes I was making - I left the fucking bathroom door WIDE OPEN for the smell to waft in the air and stink up the entire area. It fucking ROCKED.
So, me being a man of vision - a man of the future - decided that it's about time to come up with a marketing strategy - A TOOL - in order to combat irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn's disease, diarrhea, or chronic gas. Yes, sitting on the commode, I had the grandest vision that would make Da Vinci's inventions pale in comparison - I give to you:
THE COLON WRENCHER
New from Short Bus Mafia Technologies, the COLON WRENCHER is made of durable stainless steel that can clench off the harshest of colon ailments. Everything from Diverticulitis to constipation won't put a dent in this baby - it's built to last! For the very low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling (and groping if applicable), I, THE MACHINE, will deliver this ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME deal to your doorstep, courtesy of the US Postal Service.
This is break-through technology we're talking here! Discovered at the crash site of the Tijuana UFO Cover-Up, this is forbidden science that was never meant to make its way into human hands - but it's here now and there's no stopping it. The way it works, you grab the side of your descending colon, and clamp it down on your skin, and your intestines will get clamped off. This is great for office meetings when you have to make that presentation your boss has been waiting to hear all week, or for when you're trying to impress your girlfriend's parents when you're at their house for dinner, and you can't blame the gas you have on their dog (they have a parakeet!). If you don't want to stain your white pants from a diarrhea stain, clamp this fucker down REAL GOOD and *presto* - problem solved. Just becareful of the BACK-FLOW potential or else your breath will smell like shit, so carry some breath mints as precaution.
Act now and you'll get this complimentary gift as well:
THE COLON CLEANSER
Agent Orange can't hold a candle to this shit. Pun completely intended.
(Not responsible for any side effects such as hallucinations, hair loss, burnt butt-cheeks, vision loss, excessive flatuence, fuzzy tongue, or genetic mutations in offspring. Use at your own risk!)
Heh.
Last night I eluded to having take 3 dumps in one day. Holy fucking Christ it was horrible! I can only imagine what people were thinking when walking by the men's room despite the multiple courtesy flushes I was making - I left the fucking bathroom door WIDE OPEN for the smell to waft in the air and stink up the entire area. It fucking ROCKED.
So, me being a man of vision - a man of the future - decided that it's about time to come up with a marketing strategy - A TOOL - in order to combat irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn's disease, diarrhea, or chronic gas. Yes, sitting on the commode, I had the grandest vision that would make Da Vinci's inventions pale in comparison - I give to you:
THE COLON WRENCHER
New from Short Bus Mafia Technologies, the COLON WRENCHER is made of durable stainless steel that can clench off the harshest of colon ailments. Everything from Diverticulitis to constipation won't put a dent in this baby - it's built to last! For the very low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling (and groping if applicable), I, THE MACHINE, will deliver this ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME deal to your doorstep, courtesy of the US Postal Service.
This is break-through technology we're talking here! Discovered at the crash site of the Tijuana UFO Cover-Up, this is forbidden science that was never meant to make its way into human hands - but it's here now and there's no stopping it. The way it works, you grab the side of your descending colon, and clamp it down on your skin, and your intestines will get clamped off. This is great for office meetings when you have to make that presentation your boss has been waiting to hear all week, or for when you're trying to impress your girlfriend's parents when you're at their house for dinner, and you can't blame the gas you have on their dog (they have a parakeet!). If you don't want to stain your white pants from a diarrhea stain, clamp this fucker down REAL GOOD and *presto* - problem solved. Just becareful of the BACK-FLOW potential or else your breath will smell like shit, so carry some breath mints as precaution.
Act now and you'll get this complimentary gift as well:
THE COLON CLEANSER
Agent Orange can't hold a candle to this shit. Pun completely intended.
(Not responsible for any side effects such as hallucinations, hair loss, burnt butt-cheeks, vision loss, excessive flatuence, fuzzy tongue, or genetic mutations in offspring. Use at your own risk!)
Heh.
posted by Machine at 7:54 PM
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