A Halloween Story

Okay.

As you all know, I, THE MACHINE, continually strive for lower standards on this blog by insulting your intelligence indirectly. Short of posting something that's outright illegal (don't ask me because I won't do it), you keep coming back for more abuse. So tonight, I have a special treat for all you jack-assy viewers out there who should've quit a long time ago. I give to you:

THE NIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The Machine Reezus was driving home alone after attending some stupid office party at a nearby Messican restaurant. The food was awful. Shitty. Some fat smelly bastard who couldn't read a lick of English was the main chef and personal hygiene was out of the question. Looking at this fat sack of pig shit was just as revolting as his body odor on a hot summer day - NAUSEATING. He hadn't seen a a shower in days, nor had his hands been washed in that long a time. If the hair on his back didn't gross you out, the hair coming out his nose certainly did. Was that Tortilla Soup or a shit sandwich you just ate? It looked and smelled about the same regardless. Still, Reezus didn't want to be some complete asshole and not attend.

It was Hector's birthday. Hector, the office idiot savant, wouldn't lift a goddamned finger at work all day unless you got some fire under his ass, and Reezus was the guy always busting his chops to file shit. Do reports on time. And not to give him any grief about it. Anycase Hector liked the La-Can-Kill-Ya La Cantina Messican Restaurant since it reminded him of home cooking the way his mother used to make it. FUCKING HORRIBLE and because it was his birthday, he demanded everyone show up there.

Reezus knew the moment he ate that lizard chicken chimichanga, it wasn't properly cooked. He could taste the Salmonella bacteria growing inside as he swallowed the first mouthful down - and that's when he knew it would only be a matter of time before it would come back up, which was right about now. On the road, in the rain as he's driving home.

"Oh holy fucking Christ" he muttered. "Not now. PLEASE not now!"

He started feeling nauseated and was about to shit his pants. He was still a while from home and there were no nearby stops that had a place to take a dump. The greasy spoon restaurant was at that point of no-return now, and he was better off trying to make it back home than to turn around and chance it.

He passed some residential area to include some local stores that had closed up for the night. GODDAMMIT! I'VE GOTTA TAKE A SHIT NOW!

Still nothing.

He started driving faster, yet with the decreased visibility and the road being wet, didn't want to go too fast. FUCK. He continued driving on.

Out of the blue he noticed a construction site off to the side of the road that he hadn't noticed previously. "Eh? When did this thing pop up?" he wondered. It was then he caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a port-a-potty. This was the break he was looking for. As he pulled up to the side of the road, a sign clearly marked 'OFF LIMITS - DO NOT ENTER' was blocking his way. Now was not the time to argue with some stupid sign. It was to the port-a-potty or bust.

Getting out of the car, the rain hit his face like nails on concrete - his feet sunk in 6 inches of mud from all the water - FUCK - but that wasn't going to stop him anyhow. Running towards the shitter Reezus decided it was worth the hassle of cleaning mud out of his car versus having to explain the perpetual faint whiff of having shitting the car's upholstry to the dealer when taking it in for a cleaning.

Prying the door open, he noticed some graffiti spray-painted on the side - what appeared to be a skull with some weird kinda scribbling all over it. Some stupid inner-city kids made a mess of it most likely - painting their gang name or whatever on it, but that didn't matter now. In just a matter of seconds he could shit his guts out for all he cared since that damn chimichanga would quit wreaking havoc on his bowels once and for all.

Once inside, he dropped his pants and took care of business.


AAAHHHHHHH. RELIEF.

He felt better. But once that was out, the Hershey Squirts began! Oh no! Fuck that Hector for making him eat at the La-Can-Kill-Ya! Why not have your birthday party at McDonalds where you know the food is safe? More chemicals than a batch of toxic waste we're talking.

Squirt squirt squirt.



Ugh.


Squirt squirt squirt.


No.


Squirt squirt squirt.


GODDAMMIT.

By this time Reezus had empty his insides completely and was about to take care of the paperwork, only something odd happened - the port-a-potty began to shake. Tremble like it was caught in an earthquake. Reezus braced the sides of cabin while it violently rattled. The shit inside the holding area splattered on his ass. GODDAMMIT! NO! He went to grab for some T.P. only there WAS NO T.P. around. WTF? It continued raining, so running back to his car for a newspaper was out of the question - it would get soaked and he'd have butt-juice running down his leg.


Squirt squirt squirt.


OH NO. NOT AGAIN.

A moment later the port-a-potty shook once more, only more violently. "Someone must be outside playing a joke on me" he thought to himself. "HEY ASSHOLE! KNOCK IT OFF! WAIT YOUR TURN ALREADY" he yelled from inside. But who would do this in the rain?


Squirt squirt squirt.


AGAIN.


By this time he started feeling light-headed. Was it the loss of fluid or the smell going to his head that was making him woozy? He couldn't tell, but distinctly heard a deep growl come from beneath him, scaring the shit outta him (literally) once more.


Squirt squirt squirt.


UGGH. MAKE IT STOP ALREADY.

Just then a bright red light started glowing beneath his ass on the port-a-potty, and a scalding heat rose to the surface - what some might consider to be magma from beneath the earth's crust. A vacuum pressure started to suck Reezus' ass to the toilet lid so he couldn't get up to escape. OH NO! What's GOING ON! He fidgeted and pushed to get off the commode, only the more he tried, the more the vacuum took hold. Just then a sinister laugh bellowed from the depths of the bowl as hellfire shot up, consuming Reezus once and for all. The skeletons of sinners mixed in with shit circled the inside of the cabin leaving no inch uncovered, and then in a split second everything sucked back into the hole from whence it came, without a trace of the person it had vanquished.

The very next day the rain had stopped and the sun was brightly shining. Reezus' car was still parked inside the construction site, keys still in the ignition. The Day Workers came to start their shift when one of them looked at the port-a-potty with terror on his face. It looked as if some monster had regurgitated its evening meal inside there. Jorge couldn't peel his eyes away from the sight but knew not to stare too long, lest he be stricken with paralysis of the butt.

"Hey hombre" - his friend Enrique said. "Whatchoo see here is an old legend that comes true, essay. My grandmother - she's crazy - she used to tell me when I was a little boy about El Demonio de la Mierda to make me behave. She tell me that every so often, usually around Halloween, he would attack those who violate his sacred ground, and the graffiti you see spray-painted on the bano here is his marking. You don't go there after dark, especially. I thought she was full of shit, but it turns out she was right after all."

Jorge shuddered as he grabbed a shovel and started digging. He felt lucky that he had avoided a fate so horrible as that of THE PORT-A-POTTY FROM HELL.


(Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ~ !)


Heh.