Altar Call of Nature
I need a new altar.
A Satanic altar.
Something that reflects the user, is personalized, yet at the same time is worthy of even the most sinister of demons and most pious of angels alike. Something that if someone were to see accidentally, wouldn't even realize its true purpose unless they had a discerning eye.
Of course all the pussy Wiccans and Pagans running around out there think that you can use a rock or a bunch of trees or some shit and that's perfectly suitable for what you wish to conjure up. Or perhaps a bonfire (how original) and dancing naked in subfreezing weather when it's the middle of February outside. FUCK THAT.
Lucifer, Satan, B.L.Z. Bub or any name you can call the Man Downstairs, has style. Taste. Panache. He's the guy who really knows how to do it right. Get down to business and get the job done.
So where's one place you can take care of business?
Work?
FUCK NO!
HOME!
And on your very own SATANIC TOILET ALTAR.
Just think about it for a second - Anton LaVey makes all sorts of potty references in his essays and seeing how he was the 20th Century mouthpiece for Satanism as we know it, was imparting esoteric wisdom to the casual reader unknowingly when writing such diatribes about the Dirty Hermit and Toilet Bowl Meditation. Why else would Manuke the Shit Demon plague me with such bowel problems in the middle of the night?
SO, I need to buy some cartoony devil stuff since it's still Halloween and decorate my commode in the most gaudy of fashions possible. Plastic spiders, rubber bats, a plastic skull or two - maybe even a plastic pitchfork or something to get those hard-to-reach dingle berries out when paperwork alone won't finish the job. I could draw a Satanic pentagram on the top of the toilet bowl lid and on the inside when you lift it up, it will read "HAIL SATAN" with a COOP cartoony devil stick smoking a cigar stuck on it. Place some black candles around the water basin since they will serve for lighting purposes (and will burn off any really raunchy gas when you're taking a dump), and of course some READING MATERIAL (primarily The Satanic Bible and The Satanic Rituals) for your daily devotional, it will be worthy of the most hellacious of bowel movements known to man. It would SO FUCKING ROCK.
Of course it would stand to say that SOMETHING would happen as a result - hairy ass, zits, kling-ons or hemorrhoids might happen if I'm not too careful. After all, some demons get real jealous and wouldn't be surprised if Manuke was one of them. I better stock up on lotsa bran and rough toilet paper to keep him preoccupied.
If I hurry and buy everything I need this weekend, I can have it done by Monday at the very latest and just in time too. This is gonna be the best Halloween yet.
Heh.
A Satanic altar.
Something that reflects the user, is personalized, yet at the same time is worthy of even the most sinister of demons and most pious of angels alike. Something that if someone were to see accidentally, wouldn't even realize its true purpose unless they had a discerning eye.
Of course all the pussy Wiccans and Pagans running around out there think that you can use a rock or a bunch of trees or some shit and that's perfectly suitable for what you wish to conjure up. Or perhaps a bonfire (how original) and dancing naked in subfreezing weather when it's the middle of February outside. FUCK THAT.
Lucifer, Satan, B.L.Z. Bub or any name you can call the Man Downstairs, has style. Taste. Panache. He's the guy who really knows how to do it right. Get down to business and get the job done.
So where's one place you can take care of business?
Work?
FUCK NO!
HOME!
And on your very own SATANIC TOILET ALTAR.
Just think about it for a second - Anton LaVey makes all sorts of potty references in his essays and seeing how he was the 20th Century mouthpiece for Satanism as we know it, was imparting esoteric wisdom to the casual reader unknowingly when writing such diatribes about the Dirty Hermit and Toilet Bowl Meditation. Why else would Manuke the Shit Demon plague me with such bowel problems in the middle of the night?
SO, I need to buy some cartoony devil stuff since it's still Halloween and decorate my commode in the most gaudy of fashions possible. Plastic spiders, rubber bats, a plastic skull or two - maybe even a plastic pitchfork or something to get those hard-to-reach dingle berries out when paperwork alone won't finish the job. I could draw a Satanic pentagram on the top of the toilet bowl lid and on the inside when you lift it up, it will read "HAIL SATAN" with a COOP cartoony devil stick smoking a cigar stuck on it. Place some black candles around the water basin since they will serve for lighting purposes (and will burn off any really raunchy gas when you're taking a dump), and of course some READING MATERIAL (primarily The Satanic Bible and The Satanic Rituals) for your daily devotional, it will be worthy of the most hellacious of bowel movements known to man. It would SO FUCKING ROCK.
Of course it would stand to say that SOMETHING would happen as a result - hairy ass, zits, kling-ons or hemorrhoids might happen if I'm not too careful. After all, some demons get real jealous and wouldn't be surprised if Manuke was one of them. I better stock up on lotsa bran and rough toilet paper to keep him preoccupied.
If I hurry and buy everything I need this weekend, I can have it done by Monday at the very latest and just in time too. This is gonna be the best Halloween yet.
Heh.
posted by Machine at 7:04 PM
2 Comments:
We just talked, so you know how I feel about this. Satanism is retarded! So are most religions for that matter.
Yes. And drugs are for losers.
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