Ask the Machine
Yesterday I had two completely separate females ask me "guy" questions since they have relationships that are in jeopardy. While I won't mention their names here, I will say that I am probably the LAST person on earth you want to ask advice on relationships about considering I've been through more failed romances than Elizabeth Taylor and Tom Cruise put together. While I try to be frank with my answers, they're probably better off asking a Magic 8-Ball or something advice since that's about the same level of expertise you'll get.
Speaking of Magic 8-Ball, my sister got me as a gift a few years back the "Devil Ball".
"Ask the Devil Ball - It may not always be the best advice, but what did you expect? He's the Devil."
You can ask the Devil Ball pretty much anything and you're going to get an answer you're least expecting. Everything from "What Now" to "Don't Be A Wimp" pops up as an answer and depending on the question, it's pretty fucking hilarious. And unlike the Magic 8-Ball, you know that you're going to get bad advice regardless so go ahead and ask away.
Hmm....."Should I fuck FUPA Jan before leaving Korea next week?" I pondered.
"Make Me Proud" it replied.
Fucking right up my alley.
Well, this comes to pop in my mind yet another crazy idea. I've already volunteered to call people while I am drunk, I will also open up Machine's Bad Advice Hotline too. If you have a burning question that needs answering, I can either call you and listen to what it is you have to say, or if you write me at shortbusmafia@yahoo.com and put the title of the message as "Ask the Machine", I will give you all the lousy advice I can think of. I can give you rotten insight on what not to do - from investing tips to dating and relationships to domestic matters - I'll tell you what I think you should do, and will use the disclaimer "For entertainment purposes only" in order to save my ass from any litigation. Can I help it if some dumb-ass can't take a joke when I tell them the solution to their problems is a double-edge razor blade and they come 3 to a pack for a buck 39 at the local CVS pharmacy? Apparently not, yet some fuck-tard somewhere would take what I say to heart and next thing I know I have the Internet Gestapo on my ass.
So in the spirit of entertainment and further comedy at my expense, "Machine's Bad Advice Hotline" is official open for business. While I won't prescribe Prozac or any of those other pussy drugs, I will tell you the advice you need to hear from the open bottle of Jack Daniel's, and as always I reserve the right to post any conversations here if I feel they're worthy of being shared publicly. Operators are standing by.
Speaking of Magic 8-Ball, my sister got me as a gift a few years back the "Devil Ball".
"Ask the Devil Ball - It may not always be the best advice, but what did you expect? He's the Devil."
You can ask the Devil Ball pretty much anything and you're going to get an answer you're least expecting. Everything from "What Now" to "Don't Be A Wimp" pops up as an answer and depending on the question, it's pretty fucking hilarious. And unlike the Magic 8-Ball, you know that you're going to get bad advice regardless so go ahead and ask away.
Hmm....."Should I fuck FUPA Jan before leaving Korea next week?" I pondered.
"Make Me Proud" it replied.
Fucking right up my alley.
Well, this comes to pop in my mind yet another crazy idea. I've already volunteered to call people while I am drunk, I will also open up Machine's Bad Advice Hotline too. If you have a burning question that needs answering, I can either call you and listen to what it is you have to say, or if you write me at shortbusmafia@yahoo.com and put the title of the message as "Ask the Machine", I will give you all the lousy advice I can think of. I can give you rotten insight on what not to do - from investing tips to dating and relationships to domestic matters - I'll tell you what I think you should do, and will use the disclaimer "For entertainment purposes only" in order to save my ass from any litigation. Can I help it if some dumb-ass can't take a joke when I tell them the solution to their problems is a double-edge razor blade and they come 3 to a pack for a buck 39 at the local CVS pharmacy? Apparently not, yet some fuck-tard somewhere would take what I say to heart and next thing I know I have the Internet Gestapo on my ass.
So in the spirit of entertainment and further comedy at my expense, "Machine's Bad Advice Hotline" is official open for business. While I won't prescribe Prozac or any of those other pussy drugs, I will tell you the advice you need to hear from the open bottle of Jack Daniel's, and as always I reserve the right to post any conversations here if I feel they're worthy of being shared publicly. Operators are standing by.
posted by Machine at 4:49 AM
2 Comments:
So what exactly does FUPA mean? I may be an idiot, but at least I admit it.
FUPA
Fat
Upper
Pussy
Area
The nasty hump a chick gets above her twat usually from lack of exercise or popping out a kid. Sometimes both.
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