Saint Masturbation
Jerking off.
Spanking the monkey.
Burping the worm.
Choking the chicken.
Rapid one-arm pull ups.
We all do it. Hell, I am starting to think that with as much jerking off that I've done in my life, it's actually been a lifesaver of sorts.
The way I see it, if I scratched every time I had an itch, I would be chasing pussy down left and right and ultimately I would either (a) get an STD or (b) have a shotgun wedding. I'd have some stupid kid running around and an angry bitch of a wife making my life miserable. By sticking to porn and a box of Kleenex, I've taken the high road in the long run. No child support payments or alimony bullshit. An open paycheck for Roth IRA, Savings, and video games.
Funny that the Catholic Church and even perhaps some of the Protestant religions frown on beating your meat. The way I see it, it's the perfect birth-control next to having a chick give you a beej, or her letting you fuck her up the ass. Would the Church deal with a run-away population explosion on their hands or a smarter crowd? Wait - I already know that answer - IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
I owe alot to masturbation and my imagination - it's gotten me through the roughest of times in Korea and other shit holes I've been stuck in where the male to female ratio has been 50 to one or less. It's prevented me from becoming a complete maniac wanting to hump anything with a pair of legs too.
So, if I ever decide to reclaim my Catholic faith (ha ha yeah right), I want to be recognized as MACHINE, the Patron Saint of Masturbation. My statue will include a box of tissues, a copy of Hustler Magazine and my holiday will be revered as the other Palm Sunday. Bachelors and miserable husbands who can't get any pussy from their wives can pray at my shrine for guidance and deliverance - the advice will always be the same - "Visit a Prostitute" I'd say from beyond the grave. If I really wanted to ham it up, I could say it in a Mel Brooks, New York Jew kinda voice.
So, all the Catholics out there who read this blog (that means YOU CrazyGirl), talk to the priest next time you go to Mass and tell him you have someone in mind for a new saint. If he can pull himself away from the Altar Boy for a moment he just might listen.
Spanking the monkey.
Burping the worm.
Choking the chicken.
Rapid one-arm pull ups.
We all do it. Hell, I am starting to think that with as much jerking off that I've done in my life, it's actually been a lifesaver of sorts.
The way I see it, if I scratched every time I had an itch, I would be chasing pussy down left and right and ultimately I would either (a) get an STD or (b) have a shotgun wedding. I'd have some stupid kid running around and an angry bitch of a wife making my life miserable. By sticking to porn and a box of Kleenex, I've taken the high road in the long run. No child support payments or alimony bullshit. An open paycheck for Roth IRA, Savings, and video games.
Funny that the Catholic Church and even perhaps some of the Protestant religions frown on beating your meat. The way I see it, it's the perfect birth-control next to having a chick give you a beej, or her letting you fuck her up the ass. Would the Church deal with a run-away population explosion on their hands or a smarter crowd? Wait - I already know that answer - IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
I owe alot to masturbation and my imagination - it's gotten me through the roughest of times in Korea and other shit holes I've been stuck in where the male to female ratio has been 50 to one or less. It's prevented me from becoming a complete maniac wanting to hump anything with a pair of legs too.
So, if I ever decide to reclaim my Catholic faith (ha ha yeah right), I want to be recognized as MACHINE, the Patron Saint of Masturbation. My statue will include a box of tissues, a copy of Hustler Magazine and my holiday will be revered as the other Palm Sunday. Bachelors and miserable husbands who can't get any pussy from their wives can pray at my shrine for guidance and deliverance - the advice will always be the same - "Visit a Prostitute" I'd say from beyond the grave. If I really wanted to ham it up, I could say it in a Mel Brooks, New York Jew kinda voice.
So, all the Catholics out there who read this blog (that means YOU CrazyGirl), talk to the priest next time you go to Mass and tell him you have someone in mind for a new saint. If he can pull himself away from the Altar Boy for a moment he just might listen.
posted by Machine at 7:59 PM
4 Comments:
I often wonder how many potential children I have flushed into the sewer system?...
that is fantastic:) i would pray at your alter:)
Dude, you so need to go to Alaska...where it's about 5 women to 1 man ratio......
Right on man! All hail masturbation! As Woody Allen said to Diane Keaton in "Annie Hall", "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" You da man Woody! I've been doing it for over 50 years and I ain't blind yet!
When I was a teenager my best friend tried to get me to join the Catholic Church. When I found out you couldn't play with your weenie, I told him "I don't think so dude!" or something like that. If the Catholic Church would let their priests at least jack off it probably wouldn't be in the moral and financial ruin it is today. They are still living in the 16th Century so fat chance they will ever become so enlightened. Meanwhile in our area, another priest was arrested for bringing in a woman he'd met on line and raping her in a Motel 6. Hail Mary!
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