Bad Christmas gifts
You know, I hate all this stupid shit you see every holiday season - and you know what I mean. Stupid shit that kids just GOTTA have - like the new Furby doll or the Pokemon video game. Hell even for a while there, those annoying Tele-Tubbies were all the rage. Parents would fight fucking tooth and nail just to get their goddamned brats some stupid hunk of plastic they'll take out of the box and play with for a day or two before abandoning it completely just to go fuck off and play with all their old toys. Well, if I was Santa Claus, I would make sure these new gifts would make the list! These are just plain WRONG and I'm glad I thought of these things. For all the Jewish kids in the audience out there, imagine getting this shit for 7 days straight for Hannukah?!?! Hell yeah! And since Kwanzaa is trying to establish itself as an official holiday, what better way to serve the black community than with some of these gift sets? Yes, I'm an equal-opportunity offender. So, if you've got the cash, I've got the trash and I'm not ashamed to sell my soul if you're dumb enough to buy this shit. Here goes:
1. The Little Tyke Prison Play Set - Does your precocious kindergartener seem to have TOO MUCH energy? Get your rambunctious 5 year old the Little Tyke Prison Play Set! He can pretend he's a repeat offender with this all-in-one playset. Comes complete with a little orange jumpsuit, a plastic shiv, bar of soap, candy cigarettes, plastic dumb-bells and Cracker Jack prize tattoos. Get him prepped for his future now while he's still young and impressionable, especially how to shower without becoming someone's bitch.
2. The Virtual Crack Baby - Years ago when the Tamagotchi Pet was all the rage, kids were going bonkers for some crappy animal they had to care for. Well, what better way to celebrate the gift of giving than with an addiction? Found in the dumpster behind a convenience store located in inner-city Detroit, the Virtual Crack Baby needs a home and a care-taker. Administer proper doses of Narcan along with Lithium for those grand mal seizures he may experience. Just watch out for the contact high when he pukes and goes through withdrawls. And just like the real thing, the Virtual Crack Baby will die within a week regardless of what you do.
3. Help! My Cat is on Fire! - I predict this one will be a real holiday-stopper since it costs just $1.19 for the entire set. Get one Bic Lighter from the grocery store, and the neighbor's cat. Put two plus two together and voila. Fun for the whole block. A real hot item.
4. The Fisher-Price Black Rusted Van Play Set - Yes, you too can own a miniature Black Rusted Van complete with a 6 inch action figure (read: doll) of me, The Machine for your kids to play with. Just like GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip, the playset will include toy shotguns, knives, for your Machine doll to menace other action figures with and will also include a miniature net to throw on your Star Wars action figures so he can do fucked up shit to them in the back of the van. Keep him out of little Susie's toy box if you don't want to wake up in the morning and wonder why Strawberry Shortcake's head is missing and the Barbie dolls all have their eyes gouged out.
5. Amputee Trading Cards - Just like baseball cards, but only better! These are real life photos of amputees who have lost limbs and other body parts due to land mines, auto accidents, industrial machinery and other freak accidents of man and nature. Think you're cool with those Star Wars cards? Garbage Pail Kids? Fuck no! Get that pussy shit outta here! Amputee Trading Cards are the new rage this holiday season.
6. My First Snuff Film Set - Are the In-Laws getting on your fucking nerves? The nosy neighbor across the steet not minding his goddamned business again? Well here you go! My First Snuff Film Set comes with the essentials you'll need to get rid of those unwanted visitors once and for all. Includes a burlap sack to conceal your identity with, 2 knives, a meat cleaver, a wrench, sledge hammer, gasoline can and 50 feet of barbed wire. You provide the video camera and let your imagination do the rest! Great for that wood shed in the back, abandoned barn in the countryside, or isolated spot in the woods.
7. Smack My Bitch Up - Consists of 1 bottle of Jack Daniels and a leather belt with a brass buckle. You know what to do.
And finally
8. Drug Dealer: The Video Game - Sell drugs to everyone from kids on the street to CEO white collar criminals - you're on your way up to the top! Pay off dirty cops and fight rival drug dealers while getting new customers to buy your blow. Avoid getting hooked on your own product and eating up profits or else frame your flunky if you don't want to sleep with the fishes. Get arrested and see the kid who 20 years ago got the Little Tyke Prison Play Set as a gift sharing the same cell with you!
Yes I know.
I'm going to Hell.
1. The Little Tyke Prison Play Set - Does your precocious kindergartener seem to have TOO MUCH energy? Get your rambunctious 5 year old the Little Tyke Prison Play Set! He can pretend he's a repeat offender with this all-in-one playset. Comes complete with a little orange jumpsuit, a plastic shiv, bar of soap, candy cigarettes, plastic dumb-bells and Cracker Jack prize tattoos. Get him prepped for his future now while he's still young and impressionable, especially how to shower without becoming someone's bitch.
2. The Virtual Crack Baby - Years ago when the Tamagotchi Pet was all the rage, kids were going bonkers for some crappy animal they had to care for. Well, what better way to celebrate the gift of giving than with an addiction? Found in the dumpster behind a convenience store located in inner-city Detroit, the Virtual Crack Baby needs a home and a care-taker. Administer proper doses of Narcan along with Lithium for those grand mal seizures he may experience. Just watch out for the contact high when he pukes and goes through withdrawls. And just like the real thing, the Virtual Crack Baby will die within a week regardless of what you do.
3. Help! My Cat is on Fire! - I predict this one will be a real holiday-stopper since it costs just $1.19 for the entire set. Get one Bic Lighter from the grocery store, and the neighbor's cat. Put two plus two together and voila. Fun for the whole block. A real hot item.
4. The Fisher-Price Black Rusted Van Play Set - Yes, you too can own a miniature Black Rusted Van complete with a 6 inch action figure (read: doll) of me, The Machine for your kids to play with. Just like GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip, the playset will include toy shotguns, knives, for your Machine doll to menace other action figures with and will also include a miniature net to throw on your Star Wars action figures so he can do fucked up shit to them in the back of the van. Keep him out of little Susie's toy box if you don't want to wake up in the morning and wonder why Strawberry Shortcake's head is missing and the Barbie dolls all have their eyes gouged out.
5. Amputee Trading Cards - Just like baseball cards, but only better! These are real life photos of amputees who have lost limbs and other body parts due to land mines, auto accidents, industrial machinery and other freak accidents of man and nature. Think you're cool with those Star Wars cards? Garbage Pail Kids? Fuck no! Get that pussy shit outta here! Amputee Trading Cards are the new rage this holiday season.
6. My First Snuff Film Set - Are the In-Laws getting on your fucking nerves? The nosy neighbor across the steet not minding his goddamned business again? Well here you go! My First Snuff Film Set comes with the essentials you'll need to get rid of those unwanted visitors once and for all. Includes a burlap sack to conceal your identity with, 2 knives, a meat cleaver, a wrench, sledge hammer, gasoline can and 50 feet of barbed wire. You provide the video camera and let your imagination do the rest! Great for that wood shed in the back, abandoned barn in the countryside, or isolated spot in the woods.
7. Smack My Bitch Up - Consists of 1 bottle of Jack Daniels and a leather belt with a brass buckle. You know what to do.
And finally
8. Drug Dealer: The Video Game - Sell drugs to everyone from kids on the street to CEO white collar criminals - you're on your way up to the top! Pay off dirty cops and fight rival drug dealers while getting new customers to buy your blow. Avoid getting hooked on your own product and eating up profits or else frame your flunky if you don't want to sleep with the fishes. Get arrested and see the kid who 20 years ago got the Little Tyke Prison Play Set as a gift sharing the same cell with you!
Yes I know.
I'm going to Hell.
posted by Machine at 6:12 PM
4 Comments:
Wow! Where do I order?
ha ha ha...what about my first overdose kit, you could pretend to be the lead singer of a 90's grunge band who decides that he just can't stand the thought of getting another job now that his royalties have run out. Comes complete with either a shotgun, a box of razor blades, or a bottle of pills. also available with a grieving widow, but newborn child set extra (see nirvana, AIC, Sublime for above references). you crack me up:)
or maybe it should be called my very own suicide in a box......
that sounds better:)
I was thinking more of some firecrackers smuggled in from Tijuana - heh. I feel a sequel coming on!
Post a Comment
<< Home