More Bad Christmas gifts
Okay - you guys really dug that shit, as witnessed by the spike in visits I had the other day. So, since one good turn deserves another, here are more bad Christmas gifts that your family deserves:
9. Severed head tether ball and bloody torso play set - This little beauty I thought of a while ago when I was taking the Bullet Train (Shinkansen) from Tokyo back up to Northern Japan where I used to live. Something was making a shit load of noise in the back of the train and the girl I was with at the time started bitching about it. Jokingly I said there were two demons in the back knocking around a bloody torso for fun - and now you can too! Great for kids of all ages, the severed head tehter ball set is fun for the whole family! Start out with a warm-up by knocking the decapitated skull around and once it's been completely obliterated, move on to the bloodied torso. Knock it around for hours on end with sticks, baseball bats, and broomsticks. When you're done, clean up is a cinch! The family dog will never beg at the dinner table again.
10. Loaded mousetrap in the stocking - Another great holiday gift. Go to the hardware store, buy a six-pack of mousetraps and once you've armed them, slide them down the stockings with care. You'll know if they've been warmly recieved with a 5am rush to the Emergency Room.
11. Machine's Glory Hole Theme Park - Located in the back of the black rusted van, you'll spend hours cramped in a dark box while servicing visitors from all walks of life. Never a dull moment or a dry face, you'll never go hungry either!
12. Firecracker in the hamster's ass - Your little brother's hamster will never be the same, nor will your little brother. Make sure to wear safety goggles since it can be quite messy! (Disclaimer: Do not light the firecracker in the hamster's ass after shoving the hamster up your own ass. Results will be comical.)
13. Audio cassette recording of me screaming obscenities - This is my favorite of all. It's a cassette recording of me screaming profanities at the top of my lungs while playing video games, driving in traffic, or while jerking off to midget porn. A great Secret Santa present for the office parties, especially with the Mormons and Fundamentalist Baptists in mind. If my Demon-possessed rants don't get the Holy Ghost in them, nothing will.
14. Crowbar to the face - A timeless classic. Comes with cheery holiday colors - red blood, white teeth, and the green money you collect afterwards.
15. Eyeball Christmas tree decorations - An assorted variety of excluded eyeballs from all walks of life - instead of hanging those crappy holiday decorations you get from the store, string some of these fuckers up instead! And if you still have the severed head left over from the Severed head tether ball game, put that on top of the tree instead some stupid angel! Come individually packaged or in strings of 50 on rusty barbed-wire.
And Finally -
16. The Angry Black Jesus Nativity Set - Something the front yard and for all the neighbors to behold. Gone is the traditional nativity scene and in its replacement is an illuminated 7 foot tall Black Jesus plastic statue, adorned with the 3 Korean grocery store owners as the wise men. Comes with over 30 different phrases for the holidays to spread tidings of cheer and good will. Hear the angry Black Jesus talk trash in ebonics, telling people to get their ass to church and to "represent" this season, or for "The Man" to quit oppressing people everywhere around the world. (Any resemblance that Angry Black Jesus has to Mr T is purely coincidental.)
Having said all of this, NO MORE Bad Christmas gift ideas will be posted this year.
All done!
9. Severed head tether ball and bloody torso play set - This little beauty I thought of a while ago when I was taking the Bullet Train (Shinkansen) from Tokyo back up to Northern Japan where I used to live. Something was making a shit load of noise in the back of the train and the girl I was with at the time started bitching about it. Jokingly I said there were two demons in the back knocking around a bloody torso for fun - and now you can too! Great for kids of all ages, the severed head tehter ball set is fun for the whole family! Start out with a warm-up by knocking the decapitated skull around and once it's been completely obliterated, move on to the bloodied torso. Knock it around for hours on end with sticks, baseball bats, and broomsticks. When you're done, clean up is a cinch! The family dog will never beg at the dinner table again.
10. Loaded mousetrap in the stocking - Another great holiday gift. Go to the hardware store, buy a six-pack of mousetraps and once you've armed them, slide them down the stockings with care. You'll know if they've been warmly recieved with a 5am rush to the Emergency Room.
11. Machine's Glory Hole Theme Park - Located in the back of the black rusted van, you'll spend hours cramped in a dark box while servicing visitors from all walks of life. Never a dull moment or a dry face, you'll never go hungry either!
12. Firecracker in the hamster's ass - Your little brother's hamster will never be the same, nor will your little brother. Make sure to wear safety goggles since it can be quite messy! (Disclaimer: Do not light the firecracker in the hamster's ass after shoving the hamster up your own ass. Results will be comical.)
13. Audio cassette recording of me screaming obscenities - This is my favorite of all. It's a cassette recording of me screaming profanities at the top of my lungs while playing video games, driving in traffic, or while jerking off to midget porn. A great Secret Santa present for the office parties, especially with the Mormons and Fundamentalist Baptists in mind. If my Demon-possessed rants don't get the Holy Ghost in them, nothing will.
14. Crowbar to the face - A timeless classic. Comes with cheery holiday colors - red blood, white teeth, and the green money you collect afterwards.
15. Eyeball Christmas tree decorations - An assorted variety of excluded eyeballs from all walks of life - instead of hanging those crappy holiday decorations you get from the store, string some of these fuckers up instead! And if you still have the severed head left over from the Severed head tether ball game, put that on top of the tree instead some stupid angel! Come individually packaged or in strings of 50 on rusty barbed-wire.
And Finally -
16. The Angry Black Jesus Nativity Set - Something the front yard and for all the neighbors to behold. Gone is the traditional nativity scene and in its replacement is an illuminated 7 foot tall Black Jesus plastic statue, adorned with the 3 Korean grocery store owners as the wise men. Comes with over 30 different phrases for the holidays to spread tidings of cheer and good will. Hear the angry Black Jesus talk trash in ebonics, telling people to get their ass to church and to "represent" this season, or for "The Man" to quit oppressing people everywhere around the world. (Any resemblance that Angry Black Jesus has to Mr T is purely coincidental.)
Having said all of this, NO MORE Bad Christmas gift ideas will be posted this year.
All done!
posted by Machine at 3:17 PM
3 Comments:
you fucking kill me machine. i like number 16. it is my fav. where do i order?
If you hurry up and order #16 now, I'll throw in #13 at no extra charge! You can even play it on the Giant Voice during the next CERE....
you've got yourself a deal:) let me send you the money and shipping address now:)
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