My Shit Demon

I honestly believe I have a new demon in me. Not that having demons in me bothers me or anything - hell it makes life interesting and there's rarely a dull moment. Besides how else do you think I come up with half the shit I blog here? I consider them to be my muse and gladly accept the symbionic role we share.

But this one's different.

See, for the past few years - at least since 2002, I've noticed there's something horribly wrong in my life. It first happened when I was living in Japan and chalked it up to being nothing more than a bad hot dog on a stick I had purchased from the local Lawson mini-mart. I didn't pay any attention to it but the other night I put two and two together - I am being possessed by a SHIT DEMON - and I shit thee not! Pun completely intended.

It seems when I eat a really good meal, I don't have to crap right away. Usually the urge to take a giant dump hits me in the middle of the night - usually around 2am or something. It royally sucks too because I'm fast asleep, usually enjoying my rest, when I wake up and feel the tug on my descending colon and the sharp pain like someone is squeezing the turd out, like their hand is clenched with a firm grasp that won't let go. I have to shit right away OR ELSE crap my bed sheets and deal with the consequences come morning. It happened the other day when I had one of those really good Turkish Doner Kebabs for lunch when I was out at Sembach. I was awoken around midnight to the rattling sensation in my bowels when I had to go take care of business. It was fucking sick too - like someone had taken a shotgun and had blasted it point blank in the toilet bowl. And then - out of nowhere - I heard this sinister laughing - like some demented elf or troll had finally decided to reveal itself, and THE WORST odor I ever smelled too! Through the stench fumes and the pale moonlight coming through the window I thought I could make out a vapor form dart its way across the room and off into the darkness of the shadows to celebrate another fecal victory.

I know that little bastard is lying in wait once again for me to eat a good meal before striking once again, be it a large pizza, another Doner Kebab, or a few pints of beer and a tasty schnitzel, and when he strikes, I'm going to light a fire-cracker and shove it up my ass to show him who's boss once and for all!!! Of course I could just simply OPEN THE WINDOW and let the demon escape that way to bother someone else, but what fun would that be?

Considering this first happened in Japan, I'll christen the spirit as "Manuke the Japanese Shit Demon" since "Manuke" in Japanese means "Asshole". Japanese lore tells of the Kappa which are demons that live by open bodies of water waiting to pull people and animals under so they can suck their souls out through their assholes and one of my co-workers at Misawa would tell his children there was a Kappa hiding inside the toilet in their bathroom just for shits n' grins. He might've been joking but goddammit if the shit's not for real!!!

So is there any Holy Toilet Paper I can wipe my ass with? I wanna give this fucker a run for its money although I might get a rash or something in the process. Unlike the other blasphemies I cherish, Manuke the Japanese Shit Demon could really fuck things up for me if I bag a chick from the local pub one night, or go camping in the woods and end up getting a tick on my ass in the middle of the night. More importantly I don't think the German plumbing can take the havoc I wreak on the commode like this and it's only a matter of time before my landlord say something to the German Health Department. The last thing I need is to be out 300 Euro to replace the toilet bowl and to be forever blacklisted by the local government! So I'm up for ideas people. Lemme have 'em.