Driver's Ed 101 - German Edition

Goddammit people drive like such fuck-tards over here. For the past 2 weeks I've witnessed no less than 5 people driving directly in front of me STOP in the middle of a round-a-bout to let some douchebag in, causing me to slam on my brakes and curse the motherfucker at the top of my lungs. At first I thought it was only clueless Americans who had never driven in Europe before that were guilty of behaving like douchebags but this morning I saw someone with a German plate do the exact same thing I'm so critical on my own people about. For the unenlightened, round-a-bouts, or traffic circles as some of them may be referred to as, have a YIELD sign directly placed in front of the person wishing to entire and continue driving. People in the circle have the right of way and traffic flows smoother and freer this way. The person WAITS for an opening to present itself and then they merge with the rest of traffic before exiting the circle all together. Why something this simple and so brilliant never caught on in the States I'll never know, but I remember being 18 years old in England and driving in one of these things for the very first time, how much sense they made. If you fuck up and miss an exit, you can always circle around - no harm, no foul - and take the turn-off you were looking for originally. Europe has so many fucked up signs and spellings that perhaps this is the reason why it is standard in this part of the world - if some Eye-talian driving around can't read a word of French but can make out some of it, he can have another go at the sign when he circles around. I would love to mount an air raid siren on top of my car - similar to the kind found on most emergency vehicles, and blast the next fucker who does this shit with at least 150 decibels of an air horn going off. It will scare the be-jeezus outta the dickwad and teach them never again to do something so stupid when they have traffic behind them like that. Assholes. Anycase, enough of that rant and on to another rant. What do you do if you think your boss wants to fuck you? I have a female boss who is at least 10 years older than me and I think she's hot after some of the Machine, only she has a NASTY FUPA and is a goddamned Trekkie. I've heard the phrase "Women are like dog shit - the older they get, the easier they are to pick up" and wonder if there's any truth to that or not. I've caught her scoping me out a few times although it's been very subtle on her part - the older women usually are - and have made comments that could be taken more than one way. Like I've mentioned previously here on this blog, I'm not one to shit where I eat - otherwise I'd be banging the hell outta my landlord's daugther right about now and I wouldn't be conducting this conversation. But I dunno - with an aging Trekkie chick, I can always open it up to all sorts of jokes at her expense. I mean I can tell Star Trek jokes while banging her doggy-style and make stupid space noises and shit. And for ultra shits n' grins, I can always dress up like a fat balding Captain Kirk or perhaps that jackass robot and do faux dialogue. "Spock - beam me up! Get me the fuck outta here! She's going hormonal!" or some shit. "Oh no! Put tampon shields at max power! Red alert! Red alert!" or some goofy shit like that. Whatever. All I know is that none of the younger bitches wanna blow me so maybe it's high time I start dating some of the left-overs. Start going through someone else's baggage for a change. Come to think of it, I did write that song "Klingons from Your Anus" when the Short Bus Mafia was trying to come together as a band originally, so maybe I could get some inspiration for a sequel song of sorts. I'd have to sit down and think of something but chances are it would be funny as shit. I dunno. Ugh. I need a good laugh. It's been a while since I've had one of those. I need to light a fart on fire or something. Lemme go get a book of matches and eat some chili. You fuckers have a good weekend or something.