Autobahn Adventures
I spend alot of time on the road in Germany. Since I work two jobs, I am commuting between Rheinland-Pfalz and Nordrhein-Westfalen every weekend. The drive takes me through Belgium and through Saarland and on average it's a 3 1/2 hour trip each way. I've driven the same route so often I can practically navigate it while playing Game Boy if wanted to, and still not get lost, it's become that second-nature to me.
One thing that Germany has is alot of rest-stops. Usually truckers congregate their either to polish off a bottle of vodka or to engage in gay sex. While I'm not homophobic, I would have never thought that Europe's largest gay scene is right in front of your eyes, and at a 'family' place at that as well. Usually people are walking their dogs, or letting their kids run around and play while no more than 100 yards away, some greasy Polack is taking it up the ass from freaky Dutch dude in the bushes.
I happened to have stopped Friday night at a rest stop to take a whiz. I stopped my little Opel in front of the bathrooms and was in and out in no more than 3 minutes. In that time frame my car decides to throw a shit fit and and not start. At first I thought it was the battery so I asked a woman in German for a jump. She was in her early 40s and mildly attractive. I thought to myself hey, if she gives me a jump then I can turn around and return the favor, no? She pulls her car around and it's this freaky-looking Citroen with all sortsa shit stock-piled in the back. "Bleibst du hier. Ich habe drei katze in mein auto" she said and no sooner than she had opened the driver door than this awful smell of cat piss and shit come flying out of her car. "Holy fuck" I thought to myself - she's a crazy cat cat lady! I knew they had them in America but also in Germany? No way! I wonder which of her pussies smell the worst? She popped the hood of her car and we tried giving it a jump but nothing worked. I wasn't about to try to get her panties down since who knows what else she had going on wrong with her, but as I thanked her for her assistance, she finished asking me whether or not I was American. "Ja, ich bin Amerikaner" and left it at that.
So, being stuck at a German rest-stop I did what any normal person would do - I called ADAC. ADAC is the European version of AAA and it's worth every Euro cent. Granted you have to be patient with them and if you have a low cell phone charge you're fucked because they rarely ever pick up on the first time you call, and even if you make it through, it takes them about an hour to reach your location once a scout as been dispatched. One thing you have to understand about Europe is that their roads are made to get you to where you're going and if you take a wrong turn or need to get to the opposite side of the road, their infrastructure is very unforgiving.
While I'm waiting for the ADAC guy to arrive, I see two vehicles pull up about 20 yards away from me. From what it looked like, the front car was towing this other car behind it and the car in tow had its front end smashed horribly the fuck up. People get out of both vehicles and they start talking about what the fuck had happened to the vehicle and how they were going to get it down the road. They were lucky to have made it this far but now their luck had run out, so they were going to ditch it and come back for it later. Glad to see I'm not the only one out tonight with shitty luck on the autobahn.
The help I requested finally arrived an hour and a half later and the guy starts to check everything wrong with it. He's pretty much a mechanic on the spot. After pulling all sorts shit apart, we finally discover it's the fuel pump that's acting up. He some how does his magic and gets the car started, only he tells me once my vehicle stops and the engine is turned off I'm pretty much fucked, so drive it smartly. I decide to turn around and make it back to my house, and by the time I make it back I'm sitting on a cunt-hair amount of fuel. During the trip I dropped my speed down to 80 kmh to conserve energy and every damn Belgian asshole and their brother decide to honk and give me the finger since I'm going so slow, as they pass me in the right lane. Fuck 'em I say. Their country sucks and their women look semi-retarded.
Once this shitty winter is over and the weather starts getting better again, I will probably see alot more interesting things while driving on the road. Europeans for the most part have little in the way of disposable income, so they like to go camping, hiking, and all that other crazy shit the tree-huggers in the States model themselves after. I just need to invest in a video camera for thost most awkward moments when you least expect.
Heh.
One thing that Germany has is alot of rest-stops. Usually truckers congregate their either to polish off a bottle of vodka or to engage in gay sex. While I'm not homophobic, I would have never thought that Europe's largest gay scene is right in front of your eyes, and at a 'family' place at that as well. Usually people are walking their dogs, or letting their kids run around and play while no more than 100 yards away, some greasy Polack is taking it up the ass from freaky Dutch dude in the bushes.
I happened to have stopped Friday night at a rest stop to take a whiz. I stopped my little Opel in front of the bathrooms and was in and out in no more than 3 minutes. In that time frame my car decides to throw a shit fit and and not start. At first I thought it was the battery so I asked a woman in German for a jump. She was in her early 40s and mildly attractive. I thought to myself hey, if she gives me a jump then I can turn around and return the favor, no? She pulls her car around and it's this freaky-looking Citroen with all sortsa shit stock-piled in the back. "Bleibst du hier. Ich habe drei katze in mein auto" she said and no sooner than she had opened the driver door than this awful smell of cat piss and shit come flying out of her car. "Holy fuck" I thought to myself - she's a crazy cat cat lady! I knew they had them in America but also in Germany? No way! I wonder which of her pussies smell the worst? She popped the hood of her car and we tried giving it a jump but nothing worked. I wasn't about to try to get her panties down since who knows what else she had going on wrong with her, but as I thanked her for her assistance, she finished asking me whether or not I was American. "Ja, ich bin Amerikaner" and left it at that.
So, being stuck at a German rest-stop I did what any normal person would do - I called ADAC. ADAC is the European version of AAA and it's worth every Euro cent. Granted you have to be patient with them and if you have a low cell phone charge you're fucked because they rarely ever pick up on the first time you call, and even if you make it through, it takes them about an hour to reach your location once a scout as been dispatched. One thing you have to understand about Europe is that their roads are made to get you to where you're going and if you take a wrong turn or need to get to the opposite side of the road, their infrastructure is very unforgiving.
While I'm waiting for the ADAC guy to arrive, I see two vehicles pull up about 20 yards away from me. From what it looked like, the front car was towing this other car behind it and the car in tow had its front end smashed horribly the fuck up. People get out of both vehicles and they start talking about what the fuck had happened to the vehicle and how they were going to get it down the road. They were lucky to have made it this far but now their luck had run out, so they were going to ditch it and come back for it later. Glad to see I'm not the only one out tonight with shitty luck on the autobahn.
The help I requested finally arrived an hour and a half later and the guy starts to check everything wrong with it. He's pretty much a mechanic on the spot. After pulling all sorts shit apart, we finally discover it's the fuel pump that's acting up. He some how does his magic and gets the car started, only he tells me once my vehicle stops and the engine is turned off I'm pretty much fucked, so drive it smartly. I decide to turn around and make it back to my house, and by the time I make it back I'm sitting on a cunt-hair amount of fuel. During the trip I dropped my speed down to 80 kmh to conserve energy and every damn Belgian asshole and their brother decide to honk and give me the finger since I'm going so slow, as they pass me in the right lane. Fuck 'em I say. Their country sucks and their women look semi-retarded.
Once this shitty winter is over and the weather starts getting better again, I will probably see alot more interesting things while driving on the road. Europeans for the most part have little in the way of disposable income, so they like to go camping, hiking, and all that other crazy shit the tree-huggers in the States model themselves after. I just need to invest in a video camera for thost most awkward moments when you least expect.
Heh.
posted by Machine at 10:12 AM
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