Countdown to Germany

Anycase, I also went to my bank to cut a check for some cash I plan on investing in VICEX. C.Adam, I swear you know how to call a good Mutual Fund when you see one! I spoke with my broker yesterday about the company and he was impressed with the fact that despite being around for only 3 years, that company has really fucking made some lee-way in the business world. I need to mail it out to my on-line investor and tell them what it is I want done with the shit. Fucking A. I'm getting the hell outta here come Monday so if any more drama happens between now and then I may or may not get around to posting it here. I'll be too busy packing the rest of my shit up to get mailed out. ---------EDIT---------- I forgot to mention that when I was at the post office today I saw a shit load of Christians getting arrested by the Santee Police Department for being a nuisance in the parking lot. They had their Jesus shirts on and were acting like complete assholes I suppose - otherwise the cop wouldn't be doing his thing. I stuck around for a little bit, hoping to see some nightstick action but they all took off before any real action could start. Had I been in the right frame of mind, I would've worn my Satan Shark t-shirt today and would go add to the mayhem. I suppose such wacky adventures will have to wait until I reach the Rhineland.... --------EDIT Part II------ The first part has been removed due to someone's inability to handle the truth and the ability to handle it as I have seen it. While I didn't go into great detail as to the events of yesterday's argument, that person feels as if their privacy has been trampled on and as a result I've respected the wishes to remove it entirely. I owe this explanation to you the viewer since you read this blog with intent. I've always said from the start that this blog is FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY however if certain people have difficulty distinguishing the two, then any furhter consequences of the truth and Life in general is purely coincidental and therefore out of my control.

Money Machine

Today I opened up a Roth IRA for the first time. It was pretty cool.

I've been saving a shit loada cash from my time in Japan and Korea and figured now was just as good a time as any to start investing some. Being totally new to the whole experience I sat down with my dad the other night and we touched lightly on stocks, mutual funds, and the importance on making your money grow. I had a basic idea of how everything was geared so when today I sat down with my advisor for the first time, it wasn't a huge shock of mis-matched phrases and shit.

Instead he explained to me in plain simple English how everything works and how it was good that I was doing this while still being relatively young. He glossed over a portfolio he had and made some recommendations that I think will pay off.

While I'm not one to give out "trade secrets" or anything like that, I will tell you the viewer that if you don't have a Roth IRA or if you haven't started investing in mutual funds, now is the time to do it. If you have the cash, then do it. It's weird, it's exciting and scary for someone that has never done it before but the long term pay-off is definitely worth it.

My Car

This is my car.

I've had it now for 5 years. It's a 2000 Volkswagen Passat I bought when I was living in the DC area. It's been a great car to drive and to own despite paying a fucking arm and a leg on my shitty government wages.

I am shipping it to Germany tomorrow and get to wake up E-A-R-L-Y so I can drive it to the port in L.A. My sister will follow me up and drive us back home once the paperwork's done. She goes up there all the time so it should be easy for her to navigate.

I hate fucking L.A. It is the space ghetto of the West Coast, just like New York City is the space ghetto of the East Coast. Twenty years ago it wasn't so bad, but now people drive like goddamned retards and there's never a parking space available when you need one. Not only that but I don't want some piece of shit bum trying to wash the windshield while I'm stuck at a stop light, although it could prove interesting if he gives me a reason to beat his head in.I just hope nothing happens tomorrow on the drive up!

When I get to Germany, I am seriously thinking about trading it in for something more Euro - like a Mercedes perhaps. While BMW is just as good, it's not my liking, although I might settle for one of those instead. The game plan for Germany is to make rank, finish schooling and save some hella fucking cash so I can invest it in stocks. I already have a pretty penny saved from my stint in Korea and Japan, but I don't want to throw it away on some piece of flash car. I'll party like a rock star when those stocks pay off and I have more money to know what to do with!

In the mean time, I'll use my parents' car or just have to WALK to where ever it is I need to go. Some fucking exercise would do me good!

Sam

Megan posted some cute kitty pics on her blog, so I felt compelled to post a pic of Sam, the ugliest dog. You can see more about him on his website.

Fucking Christ. This thing is hideous.

The CDepot

Before I get into the story about the CDepot, there is a preface I need to write regarding music.

I love music. I mean I REALLY FUCKING LOVE MUSIC. While I've always had a fascination with it and have courted the idea of having my own death metal band, it really fucking hit me the other night how fucking much music means to me! Joe and Jenn kicked me out of their place because they wanted to fuck, which was totally cool by me. I had been drinking Jack and Coke but like a dumb-ass I forgot my tunes. I wanted to listen to Motley Crue - Dr Feelgood but didn't have my car keys to turn on the stereo. It was 2am and I was drunk out of my fucking gourd, and the only two things I wanted to do was drink and listen to music, primarily the music part. And no, for the record, I didn't start up the vehicle or drive off - I know what you're thinking.

But the reason why I mention this is because I've discovered I love music more than anything else - especially getting laid. While I can always get free porn from the internet, the same can no longer be said about music, thanks to those assholes in Metallica and the war they raged on Napster. While women come and women go, music has always been my source of comfort, through the good times and bad times alike. Nothing else can come close in comparison.



Anycase, today's topic is the CDepot. Located in College Park Maryland, it is the East Coast's answer to Blue Meannie Records here on the West Coast. While they're not as fancy and care-free as Blue Meannie is, they have a better selection, I hate to say. Then again, they're just down the street from the University of Maryland's main campus, where as Blue Meannie Records is now on the ass-end of El Cajon where nobody fucking visits them anymore. Any economic or real estate major will tell you, it's all about location location location when it comes to making a buck and the guys at CDepot have it right.

I used to frequent this store when I was stationed at Andrews AFB, circa 1999-2000 time frame. At the time I wasn't into death metal like I am now, but had gothic tastes. It was so easy to find music from bands like Dead Can Dance and Project Pitchfork as well as the more mainstream music like Marilyn Manson and the Insane Clown Posse.











Look at how fucking spacious this place is! Everywhere you look, they have box sets of CDs for just about any band you can imagine. They have a shit load of posters for sale as well as DVDs and rock stickers - the only thing that Blue Meannie has on them that they need is a t-shirt section. I found a shitload of Slayer t-shirts and Venom t-shirts there last week that I haven't been able to find anywhere else. At least Blue Meannie is still a metal-head's paradise in that regard.

If a business venture could ever be made, it would be that Blue Meannie and CDepot join forces and put places like Sam Goody out of business. While I like Sam Goody because they offer reward points, places like Blue Meannie and CDepot need the fanbase to get a better selection of music, and for that reason I will always remain a loyal customer if I am in the neighborhood.

I leave for Germany a week from today and I will see if they do special orders for APO addresses. Most likely not - I will be forced to stick with Sam Goody since AAFES is the shittiest in customer service and selection - and Sam Goody gets their shit out on time. If more small businesses could do what they do, I would gladly give them my business. But this really got me to thinking how much I really love music and how perhaps I should focus more so on that instead of trying to get laid!

Day 4 of DC and the trip back home

Yesterday I pretty much chilled out in College Park. Calin got her Short Bus Mafia tee as promised, although she was in the process of moving so we didn't get the chance to hang out. A shame really - I was digging on her but I suppose that's just the way it goes. I watched some South Park at the Motel 8 I was staying at before calling it a night, and having to wake up at 3 am to catch my 6 am flight from BWI. Staying in the Motel 8 reminded me of the barracks at Kunsan. Noisy, cramped, and more bullshit than I care to deal with. There was no fridge in the room and the ice machine was broken. Not only that but people were noisy and getting on my fucking nerves. WTF. For $80 I get shitty service. Fuck if I do that again!

My flight this morning involved someone sitting behind me who was snoring while they were sleeping, only they sounded like a toilet bowl that was constantly flushing with their gurgling. There was a mother with 3 small children that would not sit still and be quiet for 2 seconds, similar to the mother with the 3 small children I encountered on the flight over. While this is common on most military flights (aka the Freedom Bird), it's unusual for a commercial carrier. I figure it's the summer which is why so many people are traveling.



The movie shown was "Million Dollar Baby". Hillary Swank is ugly, but I would still bang her 9 ways from Sunday if she gave me the chance.

Clint Eastwood needs to hang it up and call it quits as an actor. While I will always admire him from such films as "A Fistful of Dollars" and "The Good, The Bad & The Ugly", he just needs to bow out gracefully before having a seizure and shits his pants. Ironically enough, the older my dad gets, the more he bears a vague resemblance to Clint Eastwood as well.

I finished the Motley Crue book I mentioned earlier. If you think your life is a fucking train wreck, read this book and then see how your problems in life stack up against the bullshit these guys had to deal with, Mick Mars especially. While alot of it they brought upon themselves, there was a shit load more that just wound up on their doorstep unexpectedly. Buy the book and you'll see what I mean.

Flying still sucks, no matter what. Still, it beats walking and definitely beats driving. And yes, all male flight attendants are gay. Some flaming.

I have some photos and shit that I need to crop, resize and post before my trip can come to a close. I also need to comment about CDepot - a kick ass music store there in College Park that rivals Blue Meannie here in San Diego!

Over all I had a fucking blast while visiting and would gladly do it again if time and cash permit!

DC Visit Day 2 & 3

These past 2 days have been awesome.



CrazyGirl and JoeTheFat have been a fucking blast to party with! They are truly rock stars of the internet. If they appear to be cool from their websites, they're actually 10 times cooler in real life. Thursday night we went out to some upscale Yuppie bar and grill here in Alexandria - not really my style but I was cool with it none the less. Alot of business types that are concerned with their fucking 401k and whatever the fuck else it is that corporate people concern themselves with - I really don't know their world and won't even try to pretend to blend in with the assholes. I figure just my presence alone would determine whether or not people would take interest in me or not.



For the most part, everyone was bald, fat and in their 40's with the exception of the 3 of us - me being the oldest. Joe wanted to get fucking trashed and called me a pussy when I told him I wanted to chill and save my alcohol-induced mayhem for Friday night. Whatever. We did a shot of some shit that tasted like fruit punch as I ate a cheeseburger. The best fucking cheeseburger I've had on the East Coast as a matter of fact. We're talking a Big Kahuna cheeseburger from Pulp Fiction, it was that good!



Two hot chicks in their early 40's sat next to us and started playing Scrabble of all things. Who the fuck plays Scrabble in a bar? Whatever. Joe being a man of action goes and hits on the hotties, only to get shot down and walks away pissed - my approach is more subtle and next thing I know, CrazyGirl and I are playing right along with them. They tell me to pick out 7 letters from the bag, and I shit thee not - the random 7 spell "UGOTASS" in perfect English. Now tell me the Man Downstairs wasn't sending me a message! Fucking Madness.

Joe being a fucking warrior and not one to give up easy, sees these two other chicks sitting off in the distance and decides to go chat them up - turns out they're both lesbians and the butch out of the two didn't like his advances. Now I've seen some pretty scary dykes in my time, but even I have to admit that she looked like she could fucking lay down a bruising and then some!



(Captain Chainsaw and friend, not to be confused with the two lesbians Joe was conversing with)

We played Texas Hold'em and I decided to call Captain Chainsaw from My Space - turns out she's in the same area ironically and wanted to party, but due to circumstances had to leave the next day and couldn't. Eh. That's the way it goes. We end up going back home where I start drinking some Jack and Coke, and decide to give Megan a drunk dial. I got her voice mail and told her to get the fuck down here already - and from the response I've garnered I'm glad to see I pissed her off! Finally! Some progress!

Friday was more of a chill day. It started raining like crazy which really sucked. The plan was to go up to Baltimore and do the Hard Rock Cafe and chill out with friends I know from nearby Andrews AFB - only CrazyGirl's car starts acting up and she needs a ride. Not a prob. I'm more than happy to help. We take care of business and then we're off to Baltimore. That's when Calin called me and wanted to tag along. Awesome! Dude, Calin looks hot in her photos but looks even better in person. I was really digging on her but I got the vibe she wasn't into me. I get that from alot of chicks usually so it's no big deal.

Like a fucking retard, I forgot my camera and CrazyGirl was wearing her ShortBusMafia t-shirt. And like a bigger fuck-tard, I didn't have the shirt I promised Calin. It was back in my backpack. I wanted to snap some really cool pix of them and me but I fucking blew it. The Hard Rock Cafe in Baltimore kicks ass too! It's huge and has alot of shit on the wall I liked, especially a guitar played by Angus Young from AC/DC as well as a White Zombie rock poster. The place kicked ass. We had to get back early after eating since Calin had to be somewhere so we dropped her off. Traffic was a royal bitch but we got her home in time. I'm hoping to hang out with her today if she's willing to spare the time, so we'll see.

Last night I ended up polishing off the rest of the Jack I had as well as most of the bottle of JaegerMeister I had. We go play Texas Hold'em again with a different crew and I was in chill mode. I ended up Drunk Dialing my friend Courtney whom I know from Korea, as well as Jenn of NeverEnough notoriety. I was talking some nonsensical bullshit so if I sounded like some jack-ass then that's the reason why. I ended up crashing at the party before going home.

Today I'm just chilling out and will get a hotel room in College Park. My flight leaves at 6am tomorrow and fuck if I'm gonna lose an hour in driving from Alexandria to BWI. College Park is closer and I won't be as rushed to return the rental car and go through the check-in process. I figure I'll get some munchies for the flight and fuck around Waldorf area perhaps. Anything goes. The weather is good so I should be able to enjoy my last day here. Over all it's been a kick-ass trip.

DC Visit Day 1 and the trip over

What can I say? Plane flights suck no matter if you're in the air for 30 minutes or for 10 hours. I've done both before and it's just a royal pain in the ass no matter how you cut it.

My flight from San Diego had me wedged between some real estate Yenta going to a conference in Houston, and Gunter the picky eater, both in their late 40's/early 50's. Gunter was this balding German man that ate his cheeseburger with a fork, discarding the bun, the salad and the fun-size Twix candy bar that came along with it. Real Estate Yenta was busy making calls throughout the flight, taking with clientel and cohorts alike, all the while I'm trying to read my book and stay in my own space. Finally the plane touched down in Houston and I made a bee-line for the door as soon as I could get the chance.

I had a 2 hour lay-over before my trip to Baltimore and called CrazyGirl to let her know I was on my way. Turns out her car was acting weird and it was recommended I get a rental or find some other way to get to their place. Not a prob since I had planned on getting a rental car while in DC anyways. I figured they would be at work all day and fuck if I'm gonna stay stranded around the house with nothing to do. So, I took the pro-active approach and made reservations while I was there, and when I touched down at BWI, the car was waiting for me, ready to go.

The flight to BWI was harrowing in itself. I find myself wedged between Sheriff FatMan, some 350 pound dude that can barely stay contained in his seat, and some hot looking crack-whore wearing a halter top with no bra on. The crack-whore was dishy although she took absolutely no interest in me, so my chances of joining the Mile-High Club were out of the question. Sheriff FatMan on the other hand was a total mouth breather and could be heard inhaling everything from the oxygen in the airplane cabin to the food the stewardess and her gay compatriot were serving people. They showed that shitty film Madagascar for the in-flight entertainment and heard this guy laugh in a bellowy, obnoxious tone. Ugh. Thankfully I kept my nose buried in the Motley Crue book I brought along with and as a result have finished the majority of the book. It's an easy read and it has convinced me that Motley Crue is the true-to-life version of the band Spinal Tap. The shit these guys have done is of comical proportions. You can't make this shit up, I'm telling yah.

Anycase, the plan for my trip goes as follows:

Today - chill out in the Northern Virginia area. Hang out with Calin.
Tomorrow - chill out in Baltimore
Saturday - Get drunk. Act an ass. Sober up in enough time to make Sunday flight.
Sunday - Fly back home to San Diego.

The Black Rusted Van

Ha ha ha ha ~ !! Someone actually owns a BLACK RUSTED VAN!!

Megan sent me these photos and they rock. Too cool. I told her to go up and see if some smelly homeless guy was living in there or not and she chickened out. Chances are there was also a mattress in there soaked with various juices and body fluids, as well as a cassette player with a Slayer-mix tape inside it. The van doesn't look sinister enough though. It looks like a pussy version of what I want.

So I guess this is where Life imitates Art?

Driving Miss Crazy

Here's a picture of me and my sis from the other day when we went up to Medieval Times.

CrazyGirl, I know you go through fads with your hair color, so next you'll have to do a shit dye-job like what my sister has. BTW, when are we gonna see those hottie-goth pics of your black hair?

Metal Heads

If it's one thing I enjoy, it's watching cheesey B-movies. The fucking cheesier, the better, especially if they have lots of gore and lots of titties. Movies like Lord of the Strings, Spinal Tap, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Seed of Chucky serve as a perfect examples as to what I mean. Metal Heads comes close, but just falls short, even by my standards, which is pretty fucking low to begin with! If you've ever entertained the idea of watching such shitty films as Chick Boxer and Galaxy of the Dinosaurs, this is right up the same alley. Usually you can find these films in the $10 section of Wal-Mart, or in this case, Blue Meannie Records (as mentioned previously).

In a nutshell, this movie tries to take on a Cheech & Chong meets The Furry Freak Brothers approach with the drug humor and stoner hi-jinks, but just falls short terribly. And by terribly I mean shitty. The death metal soundtrack is a joke, the majority of the movie is out of focus, and the acting is so bad, the junior high theater guild could pull off a better job doing these overweight losers. How this whole thing ever got pieced together to begin with is a real miracle in itself.

The story takes place in New Jersey and revolves around Bill Zebub and how much a total loser he is - he can't hold down a job and sponges of his girlfriend for everything - a typical hessian boyfriend by some standards. He does all sorts of shit to make a quick buck from selling videos of an ex-girlfriend that everyone jerks off to, to selling his KISS t-shirts to some dweeb for some fast cash. You see him get stoned with his loser friends, get trashed at a party, and try to pick up chicks at the library, all without success. Just when his luck can't get any worse, the Heavy Metal Lottery comes to New Jersey, and all you need are just 3 lucky numbers to win. So what 3 numbers does he choose to play? 666 - what else would a true metal head play? Well, his loser friend ends up rolling a joint with the winning ticket number and smokes it just as he finds out too late. The movie has its moments like the fight at the pizza parlor they have as well as the way they portray cops as being nazis, but over all it just sucks. Bill Zeebub seems like he is genuinely a funny guy away from the camera, but the whole thing just straight up sucks. By the way I make it sound, it could really come together well on paper, but similar to the Holy Bible and the Communist Manifesto, its actual application just gets fucked up by everyone trying to implement it.

Movies like Spun do a better job of portraying American loser counter-culture than this film does, despite being made by the very people they represent. A shame too since I was really hoping to get a good laugh out of it all. If you want to get revenge on an ex of yours, get them this film. The $10 you spend will well be worth it. Or, if you're drunk and wanna watch real-life Beavis and Butthead characters act like ass-clowns, this movie is right up your alley.

I don't expect much from Hollywood these days since everything is a sham and have instead turned to independent films primarily for entertainment. Even low-budget shitty films like Metal Heads should have some merit, but I can't even lump them in with the other low-brow cinema I mentioned. The only thing that saves this from being a complete festering dog-turd is the fact they have a solid T & A content going.

Do yourself a favor and avoid this film like the plague.

Happy Birthday to Me

Wow. The nicest fucking thing a total stranger did for me today! Megan you rock.

So, you're wanting to know a little more about me on this wonderful day. Well exactly 34 years ago, my mother popped me out and had no idea what she would unleash upon the world. Little did she know that I would become the seasoned conniseur of fart jokes and internet porn, and a-mass an internet following to the extent I have. While it's still small potatoes compared to some of my other colleagues, there's always room for improvement and plenty of more seats to be added on the Short Bus before all is said and done.

Well, what justification does someone like me have to celebrate a birthday? Have I done anything remotely wonderful with my life? Have I helped progress science or medicine in any way? Have I asserted myself as a philantropist in some way or another? Have I aspired to higher standards of conduct and gentleman persuasion perhaps?

The answer is NO.

I have done none of the above. If anything I have proven that some people are just a waste of flesh whose sole purpose is to entertain others with their misfortunes. Aside from stringing a few titty dancers along with false hopes and contradictions, and behaving like a pain in the ass to the truly deserving, my greatest contribution to humanity has been that of defiance and overall disgust. Like Lucifer the Morning Star, I enjoy mankind's vices and indulge frequently in everything I can that is legal, alcohol and pornography especially. I revell in the fact that people like me are the purpose why the PTA and the Religious Right have a reason to get up in the morning and scream that the world is coming to an end. Silly rabbits! You just throw more fuel on the fire!



Perhaps some day I will die in a horrible accident involving rubber underwear and a Russian midget named Olga, and my body will be donated to science where I will finally be of some use after all. I'd like to think the doctor using my cadaver will discover the cure for hemorrhoids or perhaps something equally plaguing mankind like Space Herpes. They will detect the gene which causes it located in my ass, and humanity will be saved. Eh. On second thought, fuck that. I'd rather someone throw my corpse in a wood chipper and let the run-off get into the local drinking water instead, where I will infect people with my stupidity-genes and becoming immortal once and for all.

Is that asking too much for a birthday wish?

Anycase, when we get around to it, my sister and I are supposed to go to a titty-bar to celebrate, only she's off doing some stupid yoga meditation crap, and the retards at my credit card company still haven't cleared the checks I mailed in over a week ago, so I'm stuck with internet porn for the time being. I'm supposed to have a Vegas trip coming up shortly so perhaps I should save my ribauld behavior for a place more fitting? Yep. I definitely think so!