Hulk Porn

I saw the new Avengers movie tonight at the German Kino. I am fortunate enough that they play American movies in their original format, without any subtitles or voice over acting. Considering that there are so many fucking Americans here in this neck of the woods, it was a wise businessman who saw the opportunity to make a profit....build it and they will come.

Overall, I give the movie an A+. The acting was great, the script was top-notch, and the pacing of the film was just right. The actors in the film complimented one another, and 'matched' the character they were playing. Everything felt natural.

One thing I was wondering the entire time, is how the Incredible Hulk manages to break shit and smash it up without ever getting injured. He gets blasted by laser beams and 20mm gatling gun rounds from an F-35, yet brushes it off like it was nothing. And why is he always so mad? Of course they say 'gamma radiation' is what made him mean and green, but my theory is that he's angry all the time because he never gets laid.

Yep. His skin is green on account of all that radioactive jizz that's been stored up in his veins all this time. He hasn't had a good lay in...well....FOREVER, which is why he needs to get into the porn industry!

Just think about it! The Incredible Hulk would be an instant star! He could bend bitches over and just demolish them with his monster green cock, and then literally rip their heads off when it came time for the Money Shot. With all that radiation inside his body, he would be immune to herpes, chlamydia, AIDS, gonorrhea, genital warts, and all those other freaky diseases that porn stars have to worry about when on the set. He could go all in and be filmed for hours without taking a break.

Part of me thinks that other super heroes can get in on the action. For example, him and Superman could go back to back and wager who could screw more chicks...they could also team up and go against The Thing and Mr Fantastic from The Fantastic Four in attempts to break a most-chicks banged record. Then, all four of them could unite cocks and bang all of Manhattan! Wonder Woman would be the finale, where they all have a super hero orgasmic bukkake scene on her. And, they could film them doing her on the Invisible Jet, so then the damn thing can finally be found!

Aside from the Incredible Hulk taking a dump, this is someting I've wondered about from time to time as well. Maybe M-TV will pick it up for a pilot epsiode, similar to my idea for "Fuck My Daughter"?

Heh.

Why I Hate Reality TV

Reality TV has become the essence of American culture. Nowhere else can someone so moronic, so idiotic, get paid to act like a dumbass, while a camera is shoved in their face the entire time. While this is nothing new, I want to believe it first started out in the late 80's/early 90's with television shows like "America's Most Wanted", "COPS" and "America's Home Videos" being shown to a live studio audience. It was harmless for the most part, and despite its innocence at the time, it was cultivating a garden of stupidity for shows like "The Ozbournes", "The Anna Nicole Show", and "Survivor" which would all become household names in this past decade.


The public, eager for more, went bonkers when You Tube helped stoke the fires of moronic morality, when suddenly EVERYONE could be a star! Andy Milonakis got his 15 minutes of fame by posting videos of himself (horribly) rapping and acting like an over all half-wit. Chris Crocker showed the world what a fucking wuss he truly is when he cried "Leave Brittney Alone"  as Emo tears rolled down his mascara-caked face. Since then, there have been countless flash-in-the-pan trends on there....everything from sneezing baby pandas to fat kids pretending to be Luke Skywalker. Best of all has to be the videos where people are getting sebaceous cysts excised, or squeezing just really nasty zits.

Worst of all violators has been M-TV. They started out with these lame-ass, fucking retarded reality shows back in the early 90's...aimed primarily at college kids. Nevermind the fact that these shows in no way mirrored reality for 99% of the people watching at home, the corporate execs sold kids everywhere a complete load of horse shit by filming these weirdos in NYC, leading them to believe that their lives weren't anywhere near as complete, unless they were living up to these 'peers'. Shows like "The Real World" paved the way for countless idiotic also-rans like "M-TV Cribs", "Pimp my Ride", "Next" and "Jackass". The worst offenders have been "Jersey Shore", where a group of foul-mouthed pseudo-Italians are all cooped together, screaming at the top of the lungs in what is 5 feet of space. Other shows like "16 and Pregnant", and "Teen Mom" make me lose all hope in humanity. Not only is M-TV promoting under-age promiscuity, but they're reinforcing the idea that it's cool to be a dumb-ass.

So, in the spirit of M-TV's attempt to cater to the lowest common denominator, and throw decency out the window all together, they should come up with a show called "Fuck my Daughter", where parents screen applicants to have sex with their college-aged daughter. These would be middle-class to upper-class parents who live in posh surroundings, and have never worried a day in their lives where the money financing their lifestyles would be coming from. Mom is the stereotypical Trophy Wife souped up on Prozac and half a dozen other medications that she doesn't need, and dad is the bread winner CEO pulling in a 6 digit income, while breaking the backs of his employees. Their 19 or 20 year old daughter is a spoiled brat who got what she wanted all the time growing up - everything from My Little Pony when she was 5 year old to a nose job when she turned 18. Her life is one big Hannah Montana episode as far as she's concerned. Anycase, the parents would have to go through interviews with all sorts of low-lifes: gang-bangers, thugs, hoodlums, ex-cons, druggies, bikers and Satanists in order to choose one lucky guy who will brutalize Daddy's Little Princess however he sees fit. Any boyfriends she might have will get their ass kicked if they try to interfere, by said contestant. Cameras would be rolling non-stop, in order not to miss a beat, and everyone involved will have signed waivers that whatever happens, happens...pregnancy, herpes, AIDS, or shotgun wedding. Imagine the look on everyone's faces if that 230 pound bruiser named Puma decides that he wants to turn Miss Reality TV Star into his Bottom Bitch. M-TV, in their shameless attempt to corner the market in ratings, would probably buy in to a sales pitch like this, and make a quick buck off it. Why not.

When Reality TV finally crosses this line, I will kill my television once and for all. At the rate it's going, it shouldn't be that much longer.

Heh.

More Comic Book Characters I'd Like To See

So, the other day I mentioned how I want to see some anti-hero comic book characters come to life - two guys by the name of FUCK YOU MAN and WHATEVER DUDE. They would be a couple of disinterested assholes running pissing on everybody's parade. Two dudes that are reflective of what Generation X has amounted out to, after all these years. Well, to compliment the sarcastic duo, they would need enemies that would balance them out: girlfriends by the names of BITCHY and FUSSY.

BITCHY and FUSSY would be two femin-nazis that both love getting dick, but hate men and the bullshit they have to endure in order to get a good lay. They wouldn't be lesbians or bi-sexual, but would just always be in a foul mood because they're on the rag and need a good fucking to shut them both up. FUCK YOU MAN and WHATEVER DUDE hate having to do the deed, yet aren't smart enough to get wingmen in order to take one for the team, and are too damn cheap to buy them the ultra-deluxe dildos that will get the job done.

BITCHY and FUSSY would always ruin Friday night plans to go see movies, play video games, or go out for pizza. They would ruin weekend trips to nearby resorts, grocery shopping and trips to the local mall. Just when FUCK YOU MAN and WHATEVER DUDE are about to watch a new episode of South Park or Family Guy, they have to barge in and throw fits on account that they want attention. In short, these two are every guy's girlfriends.

I need to get around to doing some sketches and some character development. I just might have some comedy gold on my hands!

Heh.

KMFDM Krank

Freedom is a loaded shotgun.

Dusseldorf

Dusseldorf has a Little Tokyo section, which is the largest Japanese population outside of mainland Japan. Any time of day, you can see Japanese businessmen and Anime school girls mix amongst the denizens of the downtown area. Japanese restaurants adorn the city sidewalks and street corners, nestled in between comic book shops and Japanese supermarkets. Best of all, everything is AUTHENTIC - none of this imitation crap whatsoever. One of my fave places to eat is the Na Ni Wa restaurant. The entire staff is Japanese, who speak only their native tongue. Ever since I was a teenager, I took an interest in learning Japanese. Despite not having been back to Japan in 7 years, I can still order food off the menu no problem-o.

This is THE BEST plate of Yakisoba I've eaten in ages. Everything is prepared on the spot, while you wait. No other Japanese restaurant that I've been to between Germany, the Netherlands, and England has even come close to making a dish this damn good. There are some things in life you just can't do without - a good fuck, a good dump, and a good plate of Yakisoba. Heh.

Comic Book Characters I'd Like to See

Comic books have always been a cheap source of entertainment for me. When I was a teenager, I would spend hours upon hours reading Groo the Wanderer and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (before they went mainstream in 1989, as well Japanese manga like Macross, Mega Zone 23, and a slew of other titles that I can't remember at the moment. I was an Otaku way before the term was coined in America, but that's not what this is about.


For the longest time I've drawn my own cartoons. Usually a parody of myself and the people whom I know, I would base certain stories off of real-life events. Most artists and comic book writers do this, or follow a similar formula, since it's easier to write material this way.

Kevin Smith is one of my all-time heroes. Not only does he give the comic book fanboy some credibility, he also inspires people to come up with their own ideas. One such idea I have is for a pair of anti-heroes who go by the names of FUCK YOU MAN and WHATEVER DUDE.

Fuck You Man would be a surly fanboy whose entire existence revolves around comic book collecting, video game playing, hentai viewing, and being a wealth of useless information. Because he always has to be right, he's earned the name of Fuck You Man for being such a dick to people.

Whatever Dude is his unmotivated partner who just does not give a shit anymore. He could win the California State Lottery, get a blow-job from a random hot chick, or could lose his car keys down a city sidewalk drain, he wouldn't care. His whole existance is just to roll with the punches without giving it much in the way of forethought or future relevance. That group of Mexican assholes wants you dead? Whatever Dude.

Of course, there would have to be a background to each character, otherwise their creation just wouldn't make much sense. Fuck You Man would be a Customer Service rep for a condom company, and Whatever Dude would be a temp worker at the local community center. Together they would go around town and act like a bunch of douchebags to people everywhere. They wouldn't stop crimes or prevent tragedies or anything....just get in the way and be a pain in the ass to everyone.

Heh.

Backtrack

So I've decided to re-release alot of my musings from my time in Korea, circa 2005 time-frame. I had originally posted them, however I eventually decided to withdraw them from circulation, on account of privacy concerns, none of which apply anymore. If your name is Melanie and you're reading this, then by all means scroll down to that section and enjoy. Perhaps you will finally give me the accountability that I have been asking for all this time.