Frozen Dumbass

 

So it looks like another brutal winter for the people at Kunsan is taking place, however this year's snowstorm has taken things a step further - the base is on lockdown, and nobody can leave unless they have the commander's permission. Furthermore, the chow hall is closed along with any other eating establishment, save for the shoppette. If the roads are that severe to where adashi can't drive on to base, then how the fuck are they going to have the shoppette open?

It never fails to amaze me just how many dumbasses fail to prepare for these kinds of situations, especially when they've been baptized by fire, so to speak. By that I mean people who have been at Kunsan for at least 4 - 5 months. They know that there's always a problem with the heating, AC, or electrical grid, regardless of what time of year it is. I experienced this shit in 1995, when the base water supply stopped working due to lack of funding, and the local Civil Engineering people had to pump water into trucks from nearby Eunpa Lake. This nasty, disgusting sewage water was treated with the ROWPU equipment that was on base, and somehow it was safe enough to drink, cook with, do laundry and shower with. There were also times where you couldn't flush the shitter, because equipment malfunctioned, or there wasn't enough water getting pumped properly through the pipes. That pretty much set the tone for the remainder of my time there, along with any future trips I would make to that embarrassment of a shit hole they call an air base. I also learned that chow hall food was hella disgusting to eat, and the Koreans didn't give a damn how bad they fucked up the menu that they served. After all they didn't have to eat it, so it prompted me to keep my own food in my dorm room. After all I had a fridge already provided, so why not?

No, instead these dumbasses are standing outside the BX in the freezing cold, instead of grabbing an MRE left over from a training exercise, and making do with it. Even as nasty and disgusting that many MREs are, there are some that are half-way decent for such situations. If you don't have to go to work, then go back to your dorm room and wait until CE plows the roads and the locals can get to the air base to do their jobs. Otherwise, you're just a frozen dumbass who should know better.

You would think that after leaving Kunsan for the final time in 2005 that I would be long over it by now. Nope. After having spent 3 tours there and coming to realize how toxic and unhealthy that place is, and even worse, the Air Force knows better but refuses to do anything to improve it, I've come to realize that this shit will always stay with me no matter what I do or where I go. I remember in 2001 when there was a rash of suicides on the ROK, between Osan, Youngsan, the various Army Camps and even an attempt at Kunsan...medical leadership was concerned, but it seemed that USFK and Air Force leadership really didn't do much about it. While you can argue what is there that can really be done to prevent it, I can at least offer one or two solutions. Simply - make Kunsan an assignment where active duty members can bring their spouses and family members, no different than Osan or Youngsan. This will give people the ability to decompress from the daily grind and be around the people they care about. The other solution is to quit enabling the dickheads and the assholes (i.e. Senior NCOs and Blue Falcon officers) by encouraging them and promoting them. Nowhere else in the Air Force have I seen such a blatant display of shitting on subordinates and junior enlisted taken to new levels, all with a smile on their face. If this is what "professionalism" looks like, no wonder I despised every minute of it. But whatever.

All I know is that ultimately you cannot rely on the Air Farce or Uncle Scam to provide for you when you need it the most, or even when you least expect it. You have to be your own boss, you have to be your own master, and nobody else. Of course the military wants people to be codependent since they're easier to manipulate and they don't even try to hide it. The fact that so many people are blind to this is what makes it a tragedy.

Hopefully they will learn (they won't) so this doesn't happen again (it will). The only lesson we truly learn is that we do not learn. Have fun, assholes.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

 

In the spirit of bad films (i.e. Star Wait), I also have to give a mention to this forgotten turd gem of a Christmas special: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. 

Upon first glance, my perception was that Santa Claus somehow invades Mars, because he's thwarting a Martian invasion of Planet Earth, while simultaneously setting up shop on Mars, since he's run out of room on Earth to make toys. The Martian Armada fights Santa and his elves with their alien technology, but lose horribly since Saint Nick has the power of Christmas magic that in the end defeats them. Now enslaved to Father Christmas, the Martians must make toys along with the elves, for children on Earth everywhere. Throw in some Kung-Fu fighting or Santa shooting up the place like Rambo, and there you have a cheesy B-movie film that's so bad it's good.

 The premise of the film is that Martian children are total brain-dead zombies because all they do is watch television channels from Earth. The Martian kids don't want to eat, sleep, or do anything fun that kids usually do like having fun, because they are bored out of their fucking skulls. All they do is go to school and learn.

(On a side note, more kids going to school and applying themselves is what's sorely needed in society today, but for the purposes of this blog entry, I'll just give it a nod and leave it at that.)

So, the Martian King, Kimar, decides that what Mars need is a Santa Claus of its own, in order to reinvigorate the population of Martian children everywhere. Give them something fun to believe in, along with something fun to do. He decides that he wants to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to their home planet. This will solve ALL their problems, right?

The Martians climb aboard their spaceship that looks like some crusty turd with a flame coming out of its exhaust. For a 1960's movie, they could've made a stereotypical flying saucer as a spaceship, but I guess they were too fucking cheap to design anything sci-fi.  Just glue a bunch of Lincoln Logs together and make-believe it is.

Once they make it to Earth, they decide to kidnap two kids because everywhere they go, they see people dressed up as Santa Claus on the streets, and need the kids to help them find the real Santa. Instead of kicking the Martians in the balls and running away, the kids go with them to the North Pole and find the real Santa in his home busy making toys. Now this is the part that is actually funny: the Martians have a stun gun that freezes people in their tracks. The person can't move or speak for an extended amount of time, and over time, the effects wear off. Mrs Claus comes bitching and fussing to Santa about everything, and the moment the Martians see her, they zap her with the stun gun. Total silence and bliss. (On a side note, I want Santa to bring me one of these awesome stun guns for Christmas so then anytime someone is annoying the piss outta me, I can instantly shut them the fuck up with a blast of the ray gun.)

Santa goes to Mars, makes a machine that can build toys for the Martian children, and all ends well. Santa returns to Earth where he belongs, along with the two kids who were originally kidnapped. If this movie was made today, it would most likely involve not Martians but an evil, greedy CEO of a shoe factory and he would put the kidnapped kids to work. Santa would be just another foreman overseeing production, and instead of Mars, it would be at a location somewhere in the South Pacific. 

On a serious note, there is one part of the film that was eerily prophetic. Kimar goes to see the sage Martian Chochem on what to do because of the kids, and he says this quote:

"We have no children on Mars. They have children bodies but with adult minds. They do not have a childhood.....they are born with electronic teaching machines attached to their brains while they are in their cradles. Information is fed into their minds in a constant stream, and by the time they can walk, they are adults."

Now this part is utterly fucking crazy. Everywhere you go today, what do you see parents do to their kids? They shove a fucking iPad in front of them and keep them preoccupied. You see this on airplanes, you see this in grocery stores, you see this at the mall....everywhere. Parents are oversaturating their children with information overload and don't understand that kids need time out to also be kids. Kids need to play outside and explore the world around them, not be glued to a fucking tablet or smart phone 24/7. While there are many educational apps that are critical for developing a child's mind, there are also a ton of stupid websites and apps that kids don't need to be exposed to: Tik-Tok comes immediately to mind. Your kids are being taught how to become total dumbasses while all the other kids around the world are focusing on winning math competitions and spelling bee's. It's that fucking simple.

If you want to catch it for free, here's the You Tube link below. Enjoy.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Star Wait

 

Last year when I took some leave and visited my folks for Thanksgiving, I came across this DVD at a local thrift shop - Star Wait. Looking at the cover, it looked like something that Kevin Smith might create, similar to Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Considering the DVD was on sale for like $5.00, I figured why not pick it up and have a good laugh? Some of these fan-made movies can actually be pretty funny. I brought it back to Germany with me at the time and put it on the shelf, with the intent that I was going to watch it a short time later. Interestingly enough, a year later around THIS Thanksgiving, I finally got around to watching it. No specific reason, just the timing lined up like that.

What I discovered about this DVD is that it is about a bunch of fucking Star Wars nerds who decided to camp their asses out for the premiere showing of Attack of the Clones, way back in 2002. This had started on the internet with a Star Wars community, where people frequented the message boards and got the bright idea to wait in line 6 weeks before the movie released, just to say that they were the first to have seen this pathetic excuse of a film. Not ones to have learned their lesson from the royal turd that Phantom Menace was, these guys were gluttons for punishment, and wanted to repeat the agonizing experience that it was to sit through another one of Lucas' pathetic cash-grabs.

Now, I could understand waiting in line for tickets to an Ozzy Ozbourne concert, or perhaps Nine Inch Nails from back in the day. I've seen both perform and they're that damn good. Hell, I stood all day at the Club Quattro there in Tokyo to catch Black Label Society perform back in 2005. I met the band members first-hand as well as one or two interesting people before the doors opened. Catching a concert is completely different from some imaginary film that you can watch again anytime you like, once it comes out on DVD or Blu-Ray. You can get drunk, do illegal substances, or have questionable sex with people you've just met, and nobody is going to blink an eye. Do this at your local AMC movie theater, and don't be surprised if people lose their shit.

Anyhow, it turns out the DVD is a combination of 9 different mini-episodes that were filmed and originally put on the internet. This was before You Tube was a thing, so this is the closest way of producing a vlog from an independent content creator. Each episode consists of following people around, one guy calling himself "Grimlock" and going around talking in pseudo-caveman speak. While it seems amusing at first, it becomes a tired cliche quickly and unoriginal. The highlight is when he meets some lesbian biker chick on the street and tries picking her up, only to epic fail. Had he succeeded, he had a van parked no less than 10 feet away that he could've scored in. Considering that this was before the whole van life phenomenon became a thing, he was on to something. There were some other notable people in the different episodes, one of them being a couple who had met at a Star Wars con some time earlier and decided to hook up.

Perhaps the highlight of the DVD is when some Hot Topic punks started talking shit to the Star Wars nerds, and got their asses kicked. This one guy who doesn't fit the Star Wars nerd description told these fuckwits to fuck off, and this skinny Green Day-looking dweeb provoked him, only to get decked way fucking hard. All it took was one punch and he started crying. That's absolutely hilarious. The asshole from Accounting turns out to be some In-the-Closet wanna be Jedi, and clocks said Oi Boy good and hard. Years later, he runs into them again, but this time leaving a bar, and it's said that he still kicked their asses. Looks like some people never learn. Other highlights of the DVD include light saber fights in the parking lot, and even some Jesus Freaks singing and praying on the street corner. You'll never know what you're going to get when you're around grown men who fantasize about little green puppets who talk backwards.

The DVD ends where the fanboys are gushing over how awesome Attack of the Clones was and how their faith in George Lucas had been restored. They don't give away any spoilers at the time of filming, but 20 years later, I wonder how many of them would walk some of those statements back? The Star Wars prequels were crap at best, but nowhere near the dumpster fire that the Disney Star Wars trilogy was. Revenge of the Sith was the only noteworthy film from the set, only because you get to see how Darth Vader became the total bad-ass that he is. Everything else up to that point, save the Sand People camp getting obliterated was just a waste of film. It just goes to show how desperate for anything Star Wars some of these fan boys can really be.

Overall this DVD was a nice jog down memory lane. In 2002, I was stationed in Japan, so I wasn't aware of any such ramblings, and missed out on a large chunk of what American pop culture was up to. Looking back now, I value my time and experience in Japan more than whatever a bunch of depressing nerds were doing with their otherwise depressing lives. On the Bonus Features section, there's quick video where some of them lined up again in 2005 for Revenge of the Sith, only it was at the same movie theater as before - the catch is that it wasn't showing there at all. WTF? Instead of wasting your time lining up there, GO STAND IN LINE AT THE THEATER WHERE IT WILL BE SHOWING. Seriously!

I doubt that something like this could ever be done again, since movie theaters are disappearing left and right, while the plebeians are now downloading everything from the Apple Store and shaking their asses on Tik Tok. Our society is in decline and we all know it. At least as pathetic as a bunch of sweaty geeks standing in line for 6 weeks to see a movie that lasts 2 hours, these people actually made it to do something fun with their lonely, depressing lives.

Heh.