2005 in Review

Well. I'm bored enough to do one of these things.

Hell. Actually I need to give the PlaySatan 2 a break and quit playing video games all together but that will never happen. I've had my hands wrapped up in Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater this past week for those of you geeky enough to know what I'm talking about. I've even gotten shit at work from the Bitch Squad because I was trying to make some lame toilet jokes about it only nobody appreciated my potty humor. Think about it. Solid Snake = Solid Stool. Metal Gear = Stainless steel commode. I could go on but I'll spare you.

Anycase since you fuckers have gone the distance with me, I think it's fitting to put 2005 into review. I promise to make it as short as possible so I won't detract any illegal downloading you're doing or interrupt your search for free internet porn. Here goes:

January through May of this year sucked donkey balls. Royal donkey balls. My stupid ass was still in Korea and I was having to put up with all sorts of stupid bullshit from asshole supervisors to senior management. Kunsan is the perfect place for assholes and overachievers alike to get their fix of egomania. I'm surprised they don't decide to extend for more than 1 year so they can keep the power trip going. While I'm tempted to point fingers and cough up names directly, I won't since they could easily fuck up my world and it's not worth throwing away what I've invested in the military this far. I'll just say they know who they are and I'll leave it at that.

May was cool since I got to go back to Japan and see some old friends. Not only that but I got to rock out with Zakk Wylde and the Black Label Society - Tokyo Chapter in Shibuya for 2 nights before I had to go back to Korea. It was awesome and it both sucked since I didn't want to get back on the plane but it was only a matter of time before I could leave Korea once and for all and kiss that backwater shithole goodbye once and for all - the first of July.

June saw me getting ready to pack shit up for July when I left. I got to return to Japan one last time and went back to Misawa to say some final goodbyes. I remember getting on the bullet train feeling that I was a long lost son returning home after having endured a year of chaos and hard living and how wonderful it was to be home again. Then I had to shake that and remember that I was heading over to Germany and the entire reason why I had endured another year of bullshit and melodrama was so I could get over here. I breezed through Rappongi and Ueno one last time before getting on the plane to return Stateside. Kinda weird spending the last 10 years bouncing around Asia and the US.

July and August kicked ass. I got to meet Johnny Ryan finally at the Comic Con and for 2 months I was home on leave. No work. No schedules. Just me, the gym, and lots of Comedy Central. I got to fuck around San Diego the way I wanted to. I also made a trip out to DC and met Crazy Girl and JoeTheFat finally. Never thought that would happen but hey - they're cool people and if they ever come to Germany they're more than welcome to stay at my place. I have a basement in my house too!

September to present my ass has been here in Germany. I like Germany, but Ramstein kills me. Too much B.S. for no reason too. The closest way I can explain this place is if you take Andrews or Langley and stick it over here, but without the rest of the DC area to reinforce the bureaucracy. Still I'm a little fish in a big pond and at this stage in the game I'm happy to sit back and let people drown in the red tape instead of actually trying to fight the tide. I learned the hard way that things won't change as long as the assholes and overachievers are running things, and it's best to stay under their radars unless I make some serious rank - and that will never happen - rest assured. If you want the details, just go back and read my older entries.

So there yah have it. Now go get drunk, get laid, and start the New Year's right by getting a DUI. After all your tax payer dollars are going to good use!

Back Again

Now I can breathe again now all this Christmas horseshit is done and over finally. Praise Gawd. Really folks, I hate the holiday season - people are stupid and do stupid things. Fuck you all. Especially all you mini-van driving douche bags. The New Year is right around the corner and while I don't make any such promises, I don't plan on changing one bit in 2006. I mean, why bother? I don't know what to make out of 2005. Kinda sucked really bad and then got better for a little bit only for it to go back to sucking really bad once more. The way I see it, any chances of a "normal" life or a "Happy" New Year have come and gone enough that if shit were to happen, everything would've fallen into place by now. All the bullshit and chaos I endured in Korea should've payed off by now but I've come to the conclusion it never will. All the good things I did for people there don't amount out to a pile of horse shit. Two teardrops in a bucket, fuck it. So perhaps I should change. For the worse. I mean that's what I learned while I was over there. If people don't care either way what it is I do then why should it matter to me? There's a difference between being apathetic with one's actions and being stupid. I'm talking the first and not the latter here. I need to think about this one. I'm at crossroads in my life again. No matter what path I take it will still be the wrong choice in the end. Eh. If we're lucky, disaster will happen yet again in the form of Rosie O'Donnell attempting to bungie jump off the Empire State Building, only the tether breaks and causes New York City to fall into the ocean. Or Oprah. Same difference.

Jack Daniels Bottle Signing

Okay. Perhaps I've been a little hard on the whole Ramstein/KMC area. Yesterday for example, something COMPLETELY KICK-ASS happened and no way in HELL would this ever happen anywhere else. To be quite honest I'm surprised that this happened considering how Puritan-esque the DoD is becoming towards alcohol and tobacco overall. Nevermind the fact that our grandparents' generation fought hard, drank hard and smoked hard and ended up winning the largest wars in the 20th Century, but within 50 or so years it's amazing how these P.C. cry-babies get the upper hand. I blame the 60's for this horseshit but whatever - not to chase a rabbit or anything.

This old motherfucker - Jimmy Bedford - is a god in my book. Why? Because he is a Master Distiller at the Jack Daniels place there in Lynchburg, Tennessee. He's the dude who has been brewing this foul-mouthed concoction for well over 30 years if memory serves correct and chances are you've tasted a swig of his brew if you've ever done a shot of Jack. Now tell me he's not one BAD MOTHERFUCKER please! This dude has been responsible for countless bar fights, countless one-night stands, countless unwanted pregnancies, and countless dollars thrown down the drain in pursuit of folly. I wish I had that kind of influence over people!

Anycase there was a line set up to meet this dude at the Shopette. I stood around and chatted a few people up before getting to the dude and shaking his hand for everything he's done. I had him autograph this big-ass bottle that I will never open - a 1.75 liter bottle. Fucker cost me an arm and a leg too but it was fucking worth it! I also had him autograph a bottle of "Gentleman Jack" and a bottle of "Single Barrel" which are respectively the better blends of Jack. It's my understanding that the difference between the three is the similar to that of Unleaded, Unleaded Plus, and Super Unleaded for your car. I picked up an extra bottle of "Gentleman Jack" that I will open for New Year's Eve next week. I'm looking forward to it!

I also picked up some free promo shit - a t-shirt and a bandana - I wanted a hat too only I would've been really greedy had I taken all 3 - aw fuckit - I should've snagged one anyways. The way I see it, I'll use the bandana for my head when I go to the gym and the shirt I'll wear if I ever decide to go out sometime. Chances are I'll use it as a jizz-rag or something.

So, here are the photographs of the shit he signed for me. I consider him to be this year's Santa Claus since he brought me something I actually want!







Enjoy!!

X-mas office party

Heh. We had a X-mas holiday party the other day. Everyone brought in something to eat except me - if you remember or not, I brought some Doritos to the Thanksgiving office luncheon, only to have all the bitches complain. So staying true to my word, I have refused to bring anything else to an office function ever again. Fuck them. Instead I tore into the holiday turkey like some bloodthirsty viking and grabbed cookies by the handful. I chugged a bottle of sweetened iced tea I had bought for myself and growled incomprehensibly like a mad dog towards anyone who came close to me while I was eating. Homer Simpson would've been proud. Because my office is 99.9% black and/or hispanic, this makes things very interesting for someone like myself. While I'm quite certain I have a Mediterranean gene kicking around in me somewhere (I bronze when I tan) I am by all accounts your typical white guy. I love rock music, Harley-Davidson motorcycles and apple pie. Some of the comments I hear these people say openly I tend to ignore or play Devil's Advocate and fire back some witty-yet-safe remark that makes the person look like the ignorant racist they are. Yes folks, there are plenty of black and hispanic racists out there, despite what the liberal media and Democrats would like to have you believe. Some black guy who I'll refer to as "Malcolm" decided to take a stab at the turkey and say "Yeah us bruthas love us some white meat. We can never get enough" and looked at me with a serious dead pan look on his face like he wanted to start some shit. I grimaced slightly but ignored his stupid comment. After he got done filling his plate, he gave me another look and said "Did you hear what I said?" to which I replied "I did but in an office full of people I'm going to let you make an ass of yourself and will choose to instead say nothing" and walked off. For the past 15 years I've had to deal with this kind of subtle but ever persistant back-lash. It's just as prevailent in the workplace as it is elsewhere. Shows like "In Living Color" when they were on reflected this mentality and in some ways have magnified it. While it's stupid to say that television and the media are to blame for society's problems they do serve as a good litmus test, just as a thermometer tells you the temperature outside. Even if I was in a situation where the roles were reversed, I usually don't make those kind of comments to begin with. Despite what alot of people may think, there are people like myself out there who pride intelligence as an attribute worth having and judge people based on how they present themselves and not by the color of their skin. Or, as I love to paraphrase the late Anton LaVey - "Stupidity is the #1 sin of Satanism" and I've got an officeful of morons I'm dealing with. We had a Secret Santa gift exchange and I decided not to participate. I was thinking about buying a box of 20 plastic trash bags and have the thing gift wrapped although whoever won the fucker would have something useful and I would've spent my money on them either way. Fuck that. If the janitor's closet hadn't been locked I could've swiped a roll of toilet paper and used that instead but the German cleaning ladies don't come in to work until 5pm usually and I'm long gone by then. Anycase the gifts sucked and I'm glad I didn't participate! Hopefully this time next year alot of these assholes will be gone and we'll have some better people in the office instead. We'll see but either way I ended up getting a free meal and farted around them for the rest of the afternoon, causing them to bitch and fuss some more. After all, it is better to give than to recieve!!

Slasher Santa

Holy shit! I think someone's been reading my blog or something. Check it out:


Slasher Santa Article


Hail Santa!

My Shit Demon

I honestly believe I have a new demon in me. Not that having demons in me bothers me or anything - hell it makes life interesting and there's rarely a dull moment. Besides how else do you think I come up with half the shit I blog here? I consider them to be my muse and gladly accept the symbionic role we share.

But this one's different.

See, for the past few years - at least since 2002, I've noticed there's something horribly wrong in my life. It first happened when I was living in Japan and chalked it up to being nothing more than a bad hot dog on a stick I had purchased from the local Lawson mini-mart. I didn't pay any attention to it but the other night I put two and two together - I am being possessed by a SHIT DEMON - and I shit thee not! Pun completely intended.

It seems when I eat a really good meal, I don't have to crap right away. Usually the urge to take a giant dump hits me in the middle of the night - usually around 2am or something. It royally sucks too because I'm fast asleep, usually enjoying my rest, when I wake up and feel the tug on my descending colon and the sharp pain like someone is squeezing the turd out, like their hand is clenched with a firm grasp that won't let go. I have to shit right away OR ELSE crap my bed sheets and deal with the consequences come morning. It happened the other day when I had one of those really good Turkish Doner Kebabs for lunch when I was out at Sembach. I was awoken around midnight to the rattling sensation in my bowels when I had to go take care of business. It was fucking sick too - like someone had taken a shotgun and had blasted it point blank in the toilet bowl. And then - out of nowhere - I heard this sinister laughing - like some demented elf or troll had finally decided to reveal itself, and THE WORST odor I ever smelled too! Through the stench fumes and the pale moonlight coming through the window I thought I could make out a vapor form dart its way across the room and off into the darkness of the shadows to celebrate another fecal victory.

I know that little bastard is lying in wait once again for me to eat a good meal before striking once again, be it a large pizza, another Doner Kebab, or a few pints of beer and a tasty schnitzel, and when he strikes, I'm going to light a fire-cracker and shove it up my ass to show him who's boss once and for all!!! Of course I could just simply OPEN THE WINDOW and let the demon escape that way to bother someone else, but what fun would that be?

Considering this first happened in Japan, I'll christen the spirit as "Manuke the Japanese Shit Demon" since "Manuke" in Japanese means "Asshole". Japanese lore tells of the Kappa which are demons that live by open bodies of water waiting to pull people and animals under so they can suck their souls out through their assholes and one of my co-workers at Misawa would tell his children there was a Kappa hiding inside the toilet in their bathroom just for shits n' grins. He might've been joking but goddammit if the shit's not for real!!!

So is there any Holy Toilet Paper I can wipe my ass with? I wanna give this fucker a run for its money although I might get a rash or something in the process. Unlike the other blasphemies I cherish, Manuke the Japanese Shit Demon could really fuck things up for me if I bag a chick from the local pub one night, or go camping in the woods and end up getting a tick on my ass in the middle of the night. More importantly I don't think the German plumbing can take the havoc I wreak on the commode like this and it's only a matter of time before my landlord say something to the German Health Department. The last thing I need is to be out 300 Euro to replace the toilet bowl and to be forever blacklisted by the local government! So I'm up for ideas people. Lemme have 'em.

Jennifer and Sembach

Okay. There's this chick I know through Julie named Jennifer. She's the same age as I am and like Julie, has seen more dicks than the Men's Bathroom at LAX. She's a sweet girl for the most part that just can't say "no" and always seems to be the butt-end of office jokes and pranks gone a-foul everywhere. But Jennifer, unlike Julie, takes all her failures in life very personally and has mega-low self esteem issues. I'm talking more issues than Sports Illustrated here. But what do you do when some chick who has gorgeous blue eyes stares at you and gives you her phone number to hang out? I mean, Life has pulled its dick out and has slapped her in the face a couple of times with it, so should I be dude # 5 million and 15 to do the same? There in lies the dilemma. I could continue the chain of abuse she has experienced throughout the years or I can let her dump all of her emotional garbage the size of a land-fill on me and have to deal with all her bullshit and psychosis. While I don't claim to know shit, I do know that when a man and a woman get involved, a man usually ends up inheriting all of the woman's problems whether he wants to or not. She will fucking put him through hell and he has no choice but to deal with it. I have seen it time and again in my life as well as the lives of my friends. Dudes just can't win which is why I prefer to remain single. A piece of ass is not worth the suffering it comes with although man cannot live on bread alone and I'm starting to develop a nasty rash from all this jerking off. Anycase I went to Sembach today - a place I haven't been in well over 15 years. It was wild returning to what is pretty much a ghost town now. Then again it's out in the middle of nowhere and could easily be missed from the Autobahn so it doesn't surprise me. I flashed back to when I was 18 years old and how much time had passed between then and now and how naive I was about the military then. After a moment's reflection I got in the truck and went about my business. No tears here. I know I will live to regret whichever choice I make with Jennifer, and that's the bottom line. Psycho chicks and me mix like gasoline and fire and perhaps it's just best I throw away her number and walk away. Still, after being here 3 months I still know few people and if anything she can introduce me to other people who know people. Consider it networking. I know that either way word will ultimate make its way back to Julie and then that's another whole mess that I'd rather not deal with. Bitches are no fun.

More Bad Christmas gifts

Okay - you guys really dug that shit, as witnessed by the spike in visits I had the other day. So, since one good turn deserves another, here are more bad Christmas gifts that your family deserves:

9. Severed head tether ball and bloody torso play set - This little beauty I thought of a while ago when I was taking the Bullet Train (Shinkansen) from Tokyo back up to Northern Japan where I used to live. Something was making a shit load of noise in the back of the train and the girl I was with at the time started bitching about it. Jokingly I said there were two demons in the back knocking around a bloody torso for fun - and now you can too! Great for kids of all ages, the severed head tehter ball set is fun for the whole family! Start out with a warm-up by knocking the decapitated skull around and once it's been completely obliterated, move on to the bloodied torso. Knock it around for hours on end with sticks, baseball bats, and broomsticks. When you're done, clean up is a cinch! The family dog will never beg at the dinner table again.

10. Loaded mousetrap in the stocking - Another great holiday gift. Go to the hardware store, buy a six-pack of mousetraps and once you've armed them, slide them down the stockings with care. You'll know if they've been warmly recieved with a 5am rush to the Emergency Room.

11. Machine's Glory Hole Theme Park - Located in the back of the black rusted van, you'll spend hours cramped in a dark box while servicing visitors from all walks of life. Never a dull moment or a dry face, you'll never go hungry either!

12. Firecracker in the hamster's ass - Your little brother's hamster will never be the same, nor will your little brother. Make sure to wear safety goggles since it can be quite messy! (Disclaimer: Do not light the firecracker in the hamster's ass after shoving the hamster up your own ass. Results will be comical.)

13. Audio cassette recording of me screaming obscenities - This is my favorite of all. It's a cassette recording of me screaming profanities at the top of my lungs while playing video games, driving in traffic, or while jerking off to midget porn. A great Secret Santa present for the office parties, especially with the Mormons and Fundamentalist Baptists in mind. If my Demon-possessed rants don't get the Holy Ghost in them, nothing will.

14. Crowbar to the face - A timeless classic. Comes with cheery holiday colors - red blood, white teeth, and the green money you collect afterwards.

15. Eyeball Christmas tree decorations - An assorted variety of excluded eyeballs from all walks of life - instead of hanging those crappy holiday decorations you get from the store, string some of these fuckers up instead! And if you still have the severed head left over from the Severed head tether ball game, put that on top of the tree instead some stupid angel! Come individually packaged or in strings of 50 on rusty barbed-wire.

And Finally -

16. The Angry Black Jesus Nativity Set - Something the front yard and for all the neighbors to behold. Gone is the traditional nativity scene and in its replacement is an illuminated 7 foot tall Black Jesus plastic statue, adorned with the 3 Korean grocery store owners as the wise men. Comes with over 30 different phrases for the holidays to spread tidings of cheer and good will. Hear the angry Black Jesus talk trash in ebonics, telling people to get their ass to church and to "represent" this season, or for "The Man" to quit oppressing people everywhere around the world. (Any resemblance that Angry Black Jesus has to Mr T is purely coincidental.)


Having said all of this, NO MORE Bad Christmas gift ideas will be posted this year.

All done!

Bad Christmas gifts

You know, I hate all this stupid shit you see every holiday season - and you know what I mean. Stupid shit that kids just GOTTA have - like the new Furby doll or the Pokemon video game. Hell even for a while there, those annoying Tele-Tubbies were all the rage. Parents would fight fucking tooth and nail just to get their goddamned brats some stupid hunk of plastic they'll take out of the box and play with for a day or two before abandoning it completely just to go fuck off and play with all their old toys. Well, if I was Santa Claus, I would make sure these new gifts would make the list! These are just plain WRONG and I'm glad I thought of these things. For all the Jewish kids in the audience out there, imagine getting this shit for 7 days straight for Hannukah?!?! Hell yeah! And since Kwanzaa is trying to establish itself as an official holiday, what better way to serve the black community than with some of these gift sets? Yes, I'm an equal-opportunity offender. So, if you've got the cash, I've got the trash and I'm not ashamed to sell my soul if you're dumb enough to buy this shit. Here goes:

1. The Little Tyke Prison Play Set - Does your precocious kindergartener seem to have TOO MUCH energy? Get your rambunctious 5 year old the Little Tyke Prison Play Set! He can pretend he's a repeat offender with this all-in-one playset. Comes complete with a little orange jumpsuit, a plastic shiv, bar of soap, candy cigarettes, plastic dumb-bells and Cracker Jack prize tattoos. Get him prepped for his future now while he's still young and impressionable, especially how to shower without becoming someone's bitch.

2. The Virtual Crack Baby - Years ago when the Tamagotchi Pet was all the rage, kids were going bonkers for some crappy animal they had to care for. Well, what better way to celebrate the gift of giving than with an addiction? Found in the dumpster behind a convenience store located in inner-city Detroit, the Virtual Crack Baby needs a home and a care-taker. Administer proper doses of Narcan along with Lithium for those grand mal seizures he may experience. Just watch out for the contact high when he pukes and goes through withdrawls. And just like the real thing, the Virtual Crack Baby will die within a week regardless of what you do.

3. Help! My Cat is on Fire! - I predict this one will be a real holiday-stopper since it costs just $1.19 for the entire set. Get one Bic Lighter from the grocery store, and the neighbor's cat. Put two plus two together and voila. Fun for the whole block. A real hot item.

4. The Fisher-Price Black Rusted Van Play Set - Yes, you too can own a miniature Black Rusted Van complete with a 6 inch action figure (read: doll) of me, The Machine for your kids to play with. Just like GI Joe with the Kung-Fu grip, the playset will include toy shotguns, knives, for your Machine doll to menace other action figures with and will also include a miniature net to throw on your Star Wars action figures so he can do fucked up shit to them in the back of the van. Keep him out of little Susie's toy box if you don't want to wake up in the morning and wonder why Strawberry Shortcake's head is missing and the Barbie dolls all have their eyes gouged out.

5. Amputee Trading Cards - Just like baseball cards, but only better! These are real life photos of amputees who have lost limbs and other body parts due to land mines, auto accidents, industrial machinery and other freak accidents of man and nature. Think you're cool with those Star Wars cards? Garbage Pail Kids? Fuck no! Get that pussy shit outta here! Amputee Trading Cards are the new rage this holiday season.

6. My First Snuff Film Set - Are the In-Laws getting on your fucking nerves? The nosy neighbor across the steet not minding his goddamned business again? Well here you go! My First Snuff Film Set comes with the essentials you'll need to get rid of those unwanted visitors once and for all. Includes a burlap sack to conceal your identity with, 2 knives, a meat cleaver, a wrench, sledge hammer, gasoline can and 50 feet of barbed wire. You provide the video camera and let your imagination do the rest! Great for that wood shed in the back, abandoned barn in the countryside, or isolated spot in the woods.

7. Smack My Bitch Up - Consists of 1 bottle of Jack Daniels and a leather belt with a brass buckle. You know what to do.

And finally

8. Drug Dealer: The Video Game - Sell drugs to everyone from kids on the street to CEO white collar criminals - you're on your way up to the top! Pay off dirty cops and fight rival drug dealers while getting new customers to buy your blow. Avoid getting hooked on your own product and eating up profits or else frame your flunky if you don't want to sleep with the fishes. Get arrested and see the kid who 20 years ago got the Little Tyke Prison Play Set as a gift sharing the same cell with you!



Yes I know.


I'm going to Hell.

Nightmares

When we sleep we all dream. Whether or not we remember it is another thing but I think I can safely say it's something we all have in common. I have this recurring dream where I have killed someone and have buried the body someplace safe, only it is about to be discovered for some reason - either a construction crew is about to dig it up unknowingly, or the cops are about to stumble upon it and I'm going to be up shit creek if I don't do something about it before it happens. Of course I have never killed anyone in real life (that I know of) since it's illegal, despite the pleasure it would give me. My life is pretty much an open book when it comes to this kinda stuff but the only thing I think it can relate to is perhaps some subconscious bullshit that's bothering me. Pretty much all the bullshit I've been through has been there for everyone to see, from the times I've screwed people over to the times I've been screwed over, everything pretty much got dealt with in one way or another. While there are a few loose ends in my life that don't need to be mentioned, I pretty much live my life guilt-free and do what I want. It's THE LAW that prevents me from truly living crazy since I've been to prison before (aka Kunsan) and don't wish to experience anything like that ever again. So what does this teach me? If I ever hack up a body I need to plan it out well in advance so then nobody ever DOES find the corpse! I suppose I could do it mafia style where I chop the dude up and dump his remains off an ocean pier, or give the guy cement overshoes wrapped in barbed wire. My favorite method would be to douse the fucker with gasoline and give him a viking funeral, and sweep up whatever bones remain afterwards. See, as children we're taught to be afraid of nightmares but you can learn so much if you just look at things from a different perspective!