Cheap-ass furniture sucks

Cheap-ass furniture sucks. Donkey balls. If you're like me you're on a limited income (read: broke) and have to go for the shitty stuff that Wal-Mart or Target gets in stock. While Target tends to be a little bit nicer, this shit definitely ain't Ikea or anything top of the line. Still, it's functional and you can bring your friends over to your house and not feel like a complete douche-bag moron. And then we have the furniture that the BX gets. For $35 I thought I was getting a pretty good deal. There was a 5 shelf stand made from aluminum metal sheeting that seemed easy enough to assemble. For what I wanted this was the perfect thing and at the right price too. A Phillips head screw-driver, simple to follow instructions that a 5 year old could master, and voila, I'd have a TV stand for my room where I could put all sorts of various shit. Wrong. Even though this shit says "Made in the USA", I'm convinced it's the cheap NAFTA shit made in Mexico, AND THE BOX is made in the USA~! None of the pieces fit together tightly and the metal sheets are bent out of shape and have been made in a piss-poor fashion. It's like Hector or whoever was working the metal press decided the 5 pesos he was making an hour just wasn't enough and that he was going to exact his revenge on me, the consumer. Well, that he did and this $35 waste of time and resources is going to the recycle bin first chance its gets. AAFES is full of cheap bastards that won't accept returned merchandise unless you can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt it was fucked from the get-go. Unlike Wal-Mart or Target, AAFES has no shame in ripping your spine from beneath your shirt in broad daylight, and doesn't care who sees. They have the market cornered overseas and any revenue they lose Stateside is easily made up over here. Fucking kidney thieves is what they are. So, I wasted an entire afternoon fussing and cussing this metal piece of shit when I could've been playing video games or jerking off instead. I'm convinced that shitty furniture needs to have a giant warning sticker placed on the side of the box, just like CDs with controversial language and video games with controversial content have stickers on them. WARNING: THIS FURNITURE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ASSEMBLE IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND DOES NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE PHOTO ON THE BOX ONCE YOU ACHIEVE THE END PRODUCT. BUILD AT YOUR OWN RISK. MONEY-BACK OFFER NOT GUARANTEED. Perhaps if they showed the asshole who's stuck behind the machine press for 12 hours a day having to stamp this shit out, it would make people think twice before purchasing this crap. I know I would.

The Phantom Shitter

I shit thee not, there is a Phantom Shitter in my office, pun completely intended. Ever since I have been in Germany, someone with FOUL, ROTTEN ASS keeps taking a dump in the men's bathroom and they don't have the decency of a goddamned courtesy flush.

ASSHOLE!!

Jeezus fucking Christ, if you're going take a dump in a public place, the very least you can do is flush the commode the moment that load hits the water. Fuck. Or better yet if there's a WINDOW to open, open that goddamned thing and let some fresh air in for a change.

At first I thought it was some anonymous dude working in the same building as I was, or perhaps someone stopping through who had to make a pit stop, but this is happening on a daily basis! And then I even changed offices due to an internal power struggle, and the fucker followed me over!! There can't be a coinicidence that perhaps I just work with a group of people who love to eat and take nasty dumps all the time is there?

GODDAMN YOU PHANTOM SHITTER!! GO SHIT AT HOME INSTEAD!! I DON'T WANT TO SMELL YOUR RANCID POOPY JUICE ODORS WHEN I TAKE A WHIZZ!!! FUCK OFF AND FLUSH THE GODDAMNED COMMODE!!!!

If it truly is a spiritual entity causing all this mayhem, I will be forced but to exorcise this demon back to Hell from where it came from. Monday is Halloween and I will come to work as a defrocked priest and with Holy Water (read: air freshener), force this mist to do battle. I might turn green in the face or even get dizzy but I am convinced I will prevail!

Otherwise I am going to make signs and post them on each cubicle to render a courtesy flush ala Austin Powers style and hopefully solve the mystery of the Phantom Shitter - Scooby Doo style. Or maybe if I DO discover his identity, go PISS on his chair for befouling my senses or something. Who knows.

Sick

Goddammit. I am sick. Coughing my lungs up sick. Constant snot running down my nose sick. Can't get a goddamn ounce of sleep because of this sick. I had plans for this weekend - moving some new furniture in - the same furniture I was looking at from the other blog. Lemme tell yah - that shit ROCKS - it's old and it's heavy and it has all sorts of scratches in it. But what I like the most about it is the fact it's rugged and has been through alot. Like me. It's right up my alley. Instead I've been slamming Sudafed and Gatorade trying to get over this fucker. Times I get dizzy and just lay down. I tell yah what if this is going to be how my time here in Germany will be spent, I just need to pack my bags and get the hell out already. Even as polluted and as disgusting as Korea was, I was nowhere this ill as I am now. Fuck me running. I also have alot of shit in boxes I want to go through but can't really. Granted I know I'm not going anywhere any time soon but I want to get this place looking decent quick enough. I figure if Julie isn't going to put out I need to start fishing locally. I'm also getting tired of driving to see her stupid ass when I'm getting nothing in return. Not even a beej. I know it's been a while since we've seen eachother last but goddammit - at least gimme a sympathy lay for old time's sake or something. Eh. Perhaps it's all the better we don't hook up. Who knows? She's no longer the slim little hottie I knew from 6 years ago and can double as one of these dependant wives I see trolling around the BX and Commissary. I know that as we get older that shit falls apart and we lose that slim waistline we had in high school but she's just let herself go all together - too much alcohol, cigarettes and good food. I even think she has a FUPA but with her wearing alot of baggy clothes it's impossible to tell. Whatever. I saw that movie "Darkness" last night while I was drowning in my own phlegm. Anna Paquin is hot but she needs to play more slutty roles. Natalie Portman has done it, and now it's her turn. What I liked best about the film was towards the end when it started getting all freaky like Silent Hill and shit. To me that's what a horror movie should be like ALL the time. Horror movies suck now. They're sugar coated and dumbed-down. Stupid crap like "The Ring" and "I know what you did last summer" kind of shit. Even "Scream" despite being a parody of the genre still sucked monkey balls. I wanna see some Necronomicon shit on the screen. I wanna see Satanic Pentagrams, demons, blood galore and naked chicks getting sacrificed. Not stupid shit like "Land of the Dead". How many ways can a zombie flick be done before we get the message? Hollywood is full of douchebag producers that will always cater to mainstream America just to make a buck. Stupid shit like "Hellboy" and "Underworld" will be as far as they go while anyone with real vision like Rob Zombie get cut and censored and pigeonholed. Perhaps it's why I've taken a penchant more to video games since the designers can push the limits and not as many people are going to freak out. Anycase I'm going back to bed. My head is spinning again and I don't feel like throwing up.

Driver's Ed 101 - German Edition

Goddammit people drive like such fuck-tards over here. For the past 2 weeks I've witnessed no less than 5 people driving directly in front of me STOP in the middle of a round-a-bout to let some douchebag in, causing me to slam on my brakes and curse the motherfucker at the top of my lungs. At first I thought it was only clueless Americans who had never driven in Europe before that were guilty of behaving like douchebags but this morning I saw someone with a German plate do the exact same thing I'm so critical on my own people about. For the unenlightened, round-a-bouts, or traffic circles as some of them may be referred to as, have a YIELD sign directly placed in front of the person wishing to entire and continue driving. People in the circle have the right of way and traffic flows smoother and freer this way. The person WAITS for an opening to present itself and then they merge with the rest of traffic before exiting the circle all together. Why something this simple and so brilliant never caught on in the States I'll never know, but I remember being 18 years old in England and driving in one of these things for the very first time, how much sense they made. If you fuck up and miss an exit, you can always circle around - no harm, no foul - and take the turn-off you were looking for originally. Europe has so many fucked up signs and spellings that perhaps this is the reason why it is standard in this part of the world - if some Eye-talian driving around can't read a word of French but can make out some of it, he can have another go at the sign when he circles around. I would love to mount an air raid siren on top of my car - similar to the kind found on most emergency vehicles, and blast the next fucker who does this shit with at least 150 decibels of an air horn going off. It will scare the be-jeezus outta the dickwad and teach them never again to do something so stupid when they have traffic behind them like that. Assholes. Anycase, enough of that rant and on to another rant. What do you do if you think your boss wants to fuck you? I have a female boss who is at least 10 years older than me and I think she's hot after some of the Machine, only she has a NASTY FUPA and is a goddamned Trekkie. I've heard the phrase "Women are like dog shit - the older they get, the easier they are to pick up" and wonder if there's any truth to that or not. I've caught her scoping me out a few times although it's been very subtle on her part - the older women usually are - and have made comments that could be taken more than one way. Like I've mentioned previously here on this blog, I'm not one to shit where I eat - otherwise I'd be banging the hell outta my landlord's daugther right about now and I wouldn't be conducting this conversation. But I dunno - with an aging Trekkie chick, I can always open it up to all sorts of jokes at her expense. I mean I can tell Star Trek jokes while banging her doggy-style and make stupid space noises and shit. And for ultra shits n' grins, I can always dress up like a fat balding Captain Kirk or perhaps that jackass robot and do faux dialogue. "Spock - beam me up! Get me the fuck outta here! She's going hormonal!" or some shit. "Oh no! Put tampon shields at max power! Red alert! Red alert!" or some goofy shit like that. Whatever. All I know is that none of the younger bitches wanna blow me so maybe it's high time I start dating some of the left-overs. Start going through someone else's baggage for a change. Come to think of it, I did write that song "Klingons from Your Anus" when the Short Bus Mafia was trying to come together as a band originally, so maybe I could get some inspiration for a sequel song of sorts. I'd have to sit down and think of something but chances are it would be funny as shit. I dunno. Ugh. I need a good laugh. It's been a while since I've had one of those. I need to light a fart on fire or something. Lemme go get a book of matches and eat some chili. You fuckers have a good weekend or something.

Sex, Lies, and Deals Gone Wrong

I go to visit Julie, an old flame again this weekend and I wasn't expected for what I was about to hear.

Julie and I had met in England 6 years ago - we dated the short time we were together and had agreed that if our paths ever crossed again, that we would pick up where we had left off. We were free to see whoever we wanted since we were going our separate ways, and ended things on a good note.

Throughout the years I had managed to stay in touch with her - something she now tells me is unheard of with most of her friends. She rarely makes it a point to write unless they take the initiative first. Hearing this I thought I had scored major cool points and that getting laid was definitely in the bag.

Well, this is where things take an interesting turn......

Her loser boyfriend Brad just decides to break up with her out of the blue last weekend. He decides he no longer finds her to be attractive and is more or less done with her. I get a text message from her telling me this on my cell phone, and call her to see what's going on. Through all sorts of tears she explains to me how she was dumped and how she's really hurting. I console her and cheer her up. Considering I didn't like Brad upon meeting him (and few people do for that matter), I figured it was rubbish out of the way. One less swinging dick to contend with.

So I drive over to her place Friday night. Lemme tell yah, my Passat handles like a DREAM on the Autobahn. Since there is no real speed limit per se, I was making very good time as I traveled. I figure we'd go out, get sauced up at the Gasthaus (pub) across the street from where she lives, and then go back to her place and fuck like monkies, only she tells me that she's not "ready" for that yet.

Okay. Whatever. It's not like I'm Mr Date-Rape or anything so I'll respect her wishes despite my urgings. I figure that anything can happen within the next 24 hours so no rush - no need to push your luck.

Last night takes a completely different twist, and something definitely happened. Some smelly Kraut named Harry decided to warm up to us in the Gasthaus and starts buying drinks. I return the favor and throw down 20 Euro on the tab. We get plenty liquor'd up and then decide to take a taxi to the next village over and go to another pub. About this time this is when I notice that Harry is taking an interest in Julie but think nothing of it. People tend to get touchy-feely when they have a few drinks in 'em so it's no big deal. Well as the night progresses, he becomes friendlier with her to the point where they're sucking face in front of everyone. A simple hand around her waist now turns into full tongue action.

I was pissed. Fucking pissed. This asshole whom I don't know from Adam is moving in on her and she's letting him do this when just 24 hours earlier she's telling me how it's too soon for her to move into anything physical with someone. I want to punch this fucker right in the face but he's cool! How do you handle that? Instead, I choose NOT to make a scene since I will only end up looking like a douchebag and a retard and figure I will just let things slide for the moment. If I can continue to milk this fucker for free drinks then so be it.

Sooner or later you have to answer to the call of Nature after you've downed a shitload of Jagermeister, vodka, beer and whatever. Harry decides to follow me into the Men's room and while I'm pissing mid-stream, decides to ask for my "blessings" to start dating Julie. Hold on. I barely KNOW you and no way in Hell am I gonna agree to anything like that, especially when I've spent the past 6 years working on her through correspondance. It just doesn't happen that way. "Dude I barely know you. I can't make that decision" I told him as I zipped up and started walking out.

The night continues and I get severely hammered. By night's end I'm drifting off and am partied out. I figure if anything, I'll talk to Julie in the morning about what happened when I have a clear head. I end up going back to her place when I decide that there's no time like the present and put her on the spot.

"What the fuck was THAT all about?" I enquired.

"It just happened. Besides I hate being the bad-guy." she replied, not knowing how to justify her actions.

"Bullshit. You'll do that with him but you won't hook up with me again?" I threw in her face. "I thought we were trying to get back together again. I suppose I'm wrong."

Julie then began to explain to me how she hooked up with me in England under "false pretenses" - whatever the fuck that means - and how she was in it just for herself at the time.

"So all of this has been a charade?" I thought to myself. I was pissed but didn't show it and decided I would sleep it off. Besides I figured, she would cut Harry loose by the night's end and it was nothing more to be concerned with.

So I crashed and slept off my alcohol-fueled angst, only to wake up and find that she had a "visitor" spend the night with her. Yep. Harry was sharing her bed - some dude she has only known as a face at the Gasthaus for the past 6 months, now takes priority over someone she had a relationship with for the past 6 years. I'm still trying to do the fucking math on that one, but once again I wasn't about to cause a scene and be a dickhead about it all. When I saw him this morning I was cordial and what not but the moment he left the house, I laid into her.

"So it's too early for anything intimate but that just happens. Julie, I am going to ask you a simple question and I'm going to be direct. Are you trying to play me for a fool?"

She was stunned. Speechless.

I had never been that forward or that abrasive with her in my life. Considering the circumstances, it was warranted. After all, I'm not going to drive an hour and 20 minutes one way just for fucking milk and cookies.

"Just answer yes or no. Am I wasting my time with you?"

She started giving me the bullshit excuse again from last night, in which I wasn't buying any of it. She tried dancing around the topic by telling me to stop and after a moment of silence I replied "I'm going to think about this" and stormed off into the next room. If this is her way of testing me, it's total bullshit considering she knows that I wouldn't do that shit to her. Ever. Then finally she said she was going to cut Harry loose and explain to him how she really wasn't looking for something like that to happen. If and when she does, I'm really not concerned for the moment.

Instead, I view this now as an open invitation to start looking local and seeing what I can find. Perhaps I was foolish to believe I had a chance with her still after all these years but if that's the way she's going to run things, two can play at that game. I can easily go fuck one of her friends and already have someone in mind I can start chatting up. I suppose that everything I've done for her just amounted to nothing last night.

Now most of you are thinking that perhaps I should just cut and run. On the contrary. I intend on showing the endurance I have to go the distance. I get the impression it will be only a matter of time before this bridge gets crossed again and she might feel differently. I've been reluctant to start dating any locals where I live but after last night I consider the gloves to be off and everything's fair game now. She's wrong to underestimate me and just might find out what a mistake she's made.

Not quite

Yesterday I got my phone line FINALLY installed. The dude from TKS or whatever (Not Deutsche Telekom) came over and crossed a wires. Next thing I know, I'm in business.

Sweet!

I can finally get back on-line again full time, update my blog everyday and jerk off to internet porn like good old times right?

Well, not quite.

Turns out that Fritz or Hans or whatever the fuck his name was did indeed get me internet connection, but the douchebags at TKS need to send me my USERNAME and PASSWORD in the mail. WTF? GERMANY is renowned for being streamlined and efficient, and go to ridiculous extremes at times especially when it comes to recycling literally everything they use. From dirty diapers and used condoms to human remains, NOTHING goes to waste, so why do I have to wait for a goddamned password and log on ID? I bitched to my landlord about it and in broken English he explained to me that's just the way it is, and showed me what the envelope will look like once it arrives. He has the same provider and everything.

So now we play the waiting game. From what I understand it may take a few weeks too, going from what my German co-worker was telling me today. NOT COOL.

Speaking of German, the Fall semester should be opening up for German 101 and tomorrow I need to get my ass registered. And speaking of co-workers, Barbie and I are about to kill one another.

Barbie, as you may remember, looks nothing like her plastic doll counterpart, hence the name. She is morally repulsive as she is physically unattractive and would rather be stuck in a room with an enraged pit bull than have to work with her on a daily basis. She gets pissed that I'm showing people the regulations and how to do shit THE RIGHT WAY and she has no knowledge of this, despite the fact she has access to the same publications I have. It's not top secret material and she's required to know her shit, and when confronted I give her a dose of attitude right back. The way I see things, I don't have time for bullshit and drama at this stage in the game, and that fucking office is a goddamned shark tank if you know what I mean. I know I'm the new guy and that always requires an adjustment period but if things don't shape up within a month, my ass is volunteering for EVERYTHING possible just to get out of that snake pit and away from all that unhealthiness. I'm not into playing games.

Oh yeah. And my car is here from the States finally. I plan on picking it up tomorrow and in turn get the piece of shit BMW that I've been driving for the past month repaired. I figure I would wait until my Passat arrived, that way if the Beemer needs to stay in the shop overnight or whatever, I'm not stuck taking a taxi home and back to work. It needs just routine stuff - new timing belt, alignment, tune up. I figure if I get that shit knocked out all at once I'll be able to sell the fucker alot easier that way and make some lemonade out of this fucking lemon. Maybe I can afford a hooker for 50 Euro then!

Today I got a sofa

I got a sofa and a love seat from a co-worker who is leaving soon. It's this faded olive drab looking piece of shit that has all sorts of stains over it and has a cover to go over it. Shit stains, cum stains, beer, food - who knows. But the fucking thing was free and she had her boyfriend haul the shit over in his truck. I offered to spring for pizza but they declined. Eh. Their loss! Unpacking my stuff I didn't realize how many video game magazines and rock magazines I've collected througout the years. Because Germany has strict recycling laws, it's not like I can just dump the fuckers off in the nearest dumpster, so I need to take them to the closest recycling center. Some of the magazines have cool cheat codes and maps so I will sort through and remove the shit I want to keep before tossing the rest of it all together. I swear, I have more magazines than clothes and video games combined. It will free up alot of space once I do go through and knock this shit out. I posted it on Chair-Force as well, but I want to mention it here too. The Suffering: Ties that Bind is the coolest fucking game I've played this year, hands down. It's a sequel to the original game entitled The Suffering which involves a prison inmate who was framed for killing his family and sent to an island prison, only to find out that all Hell literally breaks loose and he has to fight his way out if he wishes to live and clear his name. This time the game takes you through the streets of downtown Baltimore where you're chasing your crime boss. As it turns out, he was the one who had your wife and children murdered only he has escaped and it's up to you to find him now. It's definitely a kick-ass game. I recommend it to anyone with a PS2/X-Box.

More shit

So the rest of my shit arrived today. The movers were cursing and fussing as they were carrying alot of my shit in. I have tons of old magazines, books, VHS tapes and DVDs that I need to go through and get rid of or sell all together. I also need to start purchasing furniture too. To show them I'm not the complete asshole that my last post proves that I'm not, I had a case of Bitburger beer waiting for them once they were done. If it's one thing I've learned throughout the years, ALWAYS take care of the movers. They can easily break shit "accidentally" or worse, STEAL your shit when nobody is watching. At the very least, having gratuities like beer, pizza or whatever will make them think twice perhaps before doing anything really foul. I am starting to meet more of my German neighbors. I have this old fucker who lives right next to me. His name is Hans and he's one cool FOP. He tells me all the shit that went on back in the 50's and how he worked on base. While his English is broken, we can communicate well enough to get the point across. When I get my house up and running, I will have to invite him and his family over for some beer. He has a wife and a son in his 40's and they're all pretty fucking cool. Now this next area is very grey. Better yet, I should just not even consider it since it will only lead to trouble no matter how you cut it - my landlord's daughter is 18 years old and is fucking H-O-T. I've caught her scoping me out a few times, perhaps wondering what it's like to fuck an American or perhaps some other shit, but no way in Hell am I going to even entertain that muse. The way I see it, the family I rent from have treated me like a new member of their home and not so much a rentor, and to have someone treat me with such kindness is rare. Practically unheard of. So the bottom line is that I don't wanna fuck up a good thing and consider her off-limits. The End. But goddammit if she don't have a rack to boot ~ !

I am an Asshole

Well. Sort of.

I blame this on the fact I am starting to mellow out with age as well as the fact the Air Force has been shoving doctrine down our throats big time - and since the military is all about conformity, it's either get with the program or get the fuck out.

Dammit.

I need to try harder. I think perhaps some of you bitches out there who have dated me or fucked me on a random would disagree and call me a complete asshole. Thanks but the flattery will get you nowhere!

You scored as Sort of an Asshole. I'm sorry to say it, but you're sort of an Asshole. You're not quite as bad as a total asshole, but you better watch out because you're not far behind them! You don't really care about other peoples problems unless it effects you in some way. You usually try and ignore any kind of flaw in your own personality and blame things that you've done on others. Sort of an Asshole 100% Has Asshole moments. 88% Not an Asshole 88% Total Asshole 50% Goody Goody 50% Are you an asshole? created with QuizFarm.com