Refuse. Resist.

I refuse to have children. Not that any of you fucking nose-pickers out there had a say to begin with, but the longer I live, the more I am convinced that siring any offsping will only add to the madness that plagues this planet, even if I do decide to marry one day and strongly desire to start a family. I won't go into details since I know that CERTAIN PEOPLE read this blog, however I will say that my time in the military has strongly influenced this decision - take that any way you want. I definitely want to expand more about this but let's just say that wouldn't be prudent. Until such a time comes when I can freely speak my mind without fear of consequence I will resist the urge to do what everyone else is doing by selfishly fucking without forethought and then failing to live up to the responsibilities that come with raising a child. Heh.

It's Official

I officially refuse to have children. Not that you fucking nose-pickers out there had any say in the matter, but as of today, I, THE MACHINE officially declare that I will not consciously impregnate any women that I may have relations with, even if one day I do marry and strongly desire a family.

The case in point - today I'm running around the BX like some jack-ass, buying the new MASTODON CD (the damn thing finally got here) as well as a new PSP game. The check-out line is rather long when I hear this little white girl, perhaps no older than 7 or 8, break out in this fake ebonics dialect, trying to "keep it real" to her black mix friend, how when she was 5 years old she thought that 50 Cent was "cute". I have no idea where this little girl's parents were but the black woman looking at her gave her this look like "This child done lost her MIND UP IN HERE", especially when she referred to her friend as "Girl". We both exchanged this look of "what in the hell is this world coming to" with a sarcastic, yet disgusted look on our faces.

I am all for equality of the races - I hate everyone equally and don't care what skin color you fucking meatbags come in - everyone annoys the piss outta me which is why I avoid contact with humanity as a whole. I AM A MISANTHROPE. However, I KEEP IT REAL. I'm not going to dress up in some death metal outfit and expect people to try communicating to me on that level if they don't know what the scene is all about. It's ridiculous. Even if they DO know what it's about I'm not going to think any differently of them if they can impress me with the useless trivia knowledge about KING DIAMOND or DEICIDE. What DOES impress me is how dignified someone conducts themself in public without acting like some pompous asshole about it, regardless of what they look like. Chances are their mere presence is offensive to me, but at least it's a start.

Let's face it people, we're all a bunch of stereotypes running around out there but nobody has the balls to call it the way it is, save for comedians like DAVE CHAPELLE and CARLOS MENCIA, but because they're "minorities" it's considered to be acceptable social commentaries and observations. It's bad enough that stupid ANDY MILONAKIS kid got his own TV show pretending he could rap, but man is tribal in nature which is why the majority of cultures clash and riots/wars start. Ask any sociologist this and they will acknowledge this, even if the politicians won't. Our media as well as our society reinforces this as a whole, and there's no denying this either.

People are stupid and instead of reinforcing high standards, society elevates the lowest of pariahs to legendary status. For little kids to emulate some asshole who was shot 9 times and lived (10th bullet anyone?) goes to show how bad our nation is going down the shitter. Knowing this I refuse to help repopulate the earth knowing I will most likely be adding to the stupidity with whatever children I sire. I wish the Anti-Christ would come sooner than we hoped for and help put an end to all this madness. Or better yet you fuckers can nominate me to be the Anti-Christ until he shows up and takes care of business once and for all. I'll keep the seat warm.


Heh.

A solution

Okay.

Last night I eluded to having take 3 dumps in one day. Holy fucking Christ it was horrible! I can only imagine what people were thinking when walking by the men's room despite the multiple courtesy flushes I was making - I left the fucking bathroom door WIDE OPEN for the smell to waft in the air and stink up the entire area. It fucking ROCKED.

So, me being a man of vision - a man of the future - decided that it's about time to come up with a marketing strategy - A TOOL - in order to combat irritable bowel syndrome, Crohn's disease, diarrhea, or chronic gas. Yes, sitting on the commode, I had the grandest vision that would make Da Vinci's inventions pale in comparison - I give to you:





THE COLON WRENCHER

New from Short Bus Mafia Technologies, the COLON WRENCHER is made of durable stainless steel that can clench off the harshest of colon ailments. Everything from Diverticulitis to constipation won't put a dent in this baby - it's built to last! For the very low price of $19.95 plus shipping and handling (and groping if applicable), I, THE MACHINE, will deliver this ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME deal to your doorstep, courtesy of the US Postal Service.

This is break-through technology we're talking here! Discovered at the crash site of the Tijuana UFO Cover-Up, this is forbidden science that was never meant to make its way into human hands - but it's here now and there's no stopping it. The way it works, you grab the side of your descending colon, and clamp it down on your skin, and your intestines will get clamped off. This is great for office meetings when you have to make that presentation your boss has been waiting to hear all week, or for when you're trying to impress your girlfriend's parents when you're at their house for dinner, and you can't blame the gas you have on their dog (they have a parakeet!). If you don't want to stain your white pants from a diarrhea stain, clamp this fucker down REAL GOOD and *presto* - problem solved. Just becareful of the BACK-FLOW potential or else your breath will smell like shit, so carry some breath mints as precaution.

Act now and you'll get this complimentary gift as well:





THE COLON CLEANSER


Agent Orange can't hold a candle to this shit. Pun completely intended.

(Not responsible for any side effects such as hallucinations, hair loss, burnt butt-cheeks, vision loss, excessive flatuence, fuzzy tongue, or genetic mutations in offspring. Use at your own risk!)


Heh.

Ich arbeite

Heh. Just work today - didn't get home until 8:30 at night. My high point was having to take a dump 3 times because of the vegetarian lunch I had. Either I had a serious colon cleansing due or that stupid E.Coli scare that's still sweeping the nation somehow got into the vegetable lasagna I ordered. I would make fun of the whole stupid thing by making some off-colored POPEYE THE SAILOR jokes, only with last night's post still fresh, it would seem inappropriate. Perhaps next week. Time to cry, jerk off, and go to bed. Most people scream "Oh God" when having an orgasm. I just scream "Hail Satan!" instead. Heh.

R.I.P. Teksno

As mentioned on Chair-Force.com, long time Short Bus Mafia enthusiast Teksno has passed away. This is not a joke. It is with great remorse that I even write this tonight since it really sucks ass that the kid had to go instead of one of these asshole shit-head terrorists we've been trying to off for quite some time. I'm completely fucking serious about this too. Here's the story that was posted: CHP investigating fatal Antioch accident The California Highway Patrol is investigating whether alcohol played a role in the death of a 23-year-old Brentwood man who was thrown 60 to 70 feet from his automobile after he drove into a ditch early Friday morning. Jason Blattspieler was pronounced dead at the scene after his body was found by a Contra Costa Sanitary District employee around 2:15 a.m. on Wilbur Avenue, just past the Antioch Bridge toll plaza in unincorporated Antioch. The single-car accident apparently occurred about 20 minutes earlier, CHP Officer Scott Yox said. The sanitary worker came upon the overturned vehicle, but did not find anyone in it. The employee then started looking around and found the body well off the roadway, Yox said. Blattspieler died of blunt force trauma, according to the Contra Costa County Coroner's office. It is not known what caused Blattspieler to drive his 2006 Toyota Scion off the road, Yox said. "We'll wait for the toxicology report to see if alcohol or anything else had anything to do with (the accident)," Yox said. "It's hard to say what caused the death, but it's definitive that if he'd had been wearing a seat belt he wouldn't have been thrown from the car and would have had a much greater chance of survival." I never met the kid but from what I've heard from CRAZYGIRL, he was really cool. I remember first getting linked by his blog last year thinking how great it was that people were taking notice of my rantings and finding enjoyment in the process. Believe me if I can add comedy to your lives through my trials and tribulations then by all means laugh your fucking asses off at my expense. I remember how disillusioned he had become with the military and all the double-standards that have clogged the system, and how eager he was to get out. He finally did, only he didn't have much time to enjoy it. Damn. I was gonna post something cool tonight, but felt obligated to mention him here instead. His blog is still up although it's anyone's guess whether or not it comes down. In respect for the kid, I'll post the two album covers I was gonna rave about, how for once this year there was some music that I found which didn't suck ass for a change. Maybe he can pick these up on the other side. The new BLACK LABEL SOCIETY album - SHOT TO HELL and The new LAMB OF GOD album - SACRAMENT. Kick ass and party with Dimebag Darryl and Dave "Stage" Williams from DROWNING POOL, buddy. Thanks for taking a ride with the Black Rusted Van. Tchuss.

This blog sucks

Heh. This blog sucks. I just don't have anything today interesting to discuss. Well actually I do but it's all work related and I don't feel like going through the motions of boring your nose-pickers with my daily routine at work. Usually it involves me hiding from co-workers, reading video game magazines on company time, and surfing the net, "pretending" to look busy while I'm "working". Heh. Who are we kidding. It doesn't matter how much paperwork I go through there's always more piling up somewhere. I'm even starting to dream about work when I sleep, it's becoming that crazy. Bureaucrats are proof that reincarnation exists. Some things I wonder about while I'm working: Why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered 'sexual harassment', yet when a woman talks dirty to a man it's '$3.99 a minute'. Why do the assholes at the Burger King drive-thru only give you some tiny little BBQ sauce for your chicken fingers, yet tons of salt packets for your heavily salted fries? Why izzit when I pee it's a power-piss and not just some 30 seconds or less like most dudes? I swear one time I clocked myself at 3 minutes going full stream and not running outta juice any time soon either. Why izzit that when I go to the BX to buy socks, underwear and hemorrhoid cream there's always some hottie working the cash register, yet when I go buy the new LAMB OF GOD CD and REVOLVER magazine, it's always some ugly old Filipina or Uber-Christian shooting fire and brimstone through their glasses? Why is it today's college kids suck? Nothing like Vietnam where people protested everything because it was trendy to be political and anti-authoritarian. Kids today are preoccupied with internet chat rooms, Paris Hilton and imitating some street thug to think about the future. And dammit why izzit I still can't get laid despite being one of the coolest (off-line) people you'll ever meet? Heh.

Just not enough time in the day

To play long, boring strategic video games where you make little robots pummel one another. Fuck me running. I seriously need a life.

Friday Night Fun

Heh. Since I gotta work tomorrow (more weekend work), I figure I'll have a few beers tonight while listening to: In my opinion the best radio show since HOWARD STERN hit the airwaves - and the cool thing is that now I can catch them on the internet! The thing that sucks is how the time difference between DC and Germany is roughly 6 hours, so if I wanna catch them I need to be up between 9pm - midnight my time. What sucks even more is how T-Punkt charges by the minute for this crappy dial-up I've got. Ouch! But the shit is fucking worth it. I'd rather laugh my ass off listening to these two dudes than throw my money away in some titty bar or on some chick who views me as being an easy cash source. Look them up and I guarantee you'll enjoy listening to them. Heh.

My ill attempt at being a cartoonist

I admire artists, especially cartoonists. People like JOHNNY RYAN and COOP are on the top of my list. They're simply the best in my opinion, as their ideas are always fresh and their artwork is bar none. I also enjoy the artwork of BOB FINGERMAN and ROBERT CRUMB if you know who they are. If not, I recommend doing a Google or Yahoo search. I could go on all day sounding like some comic book dork, only there are plenty of those running around and chances are you know one. Anycase when I was younger I had the crazy idea that I could one day be a successful cartoonist with an idea for a premise. I would essentially do what Robert Crumb did as an artist and turn my own life experiences into the comedy that people would enjoy reading, and would use myself as the main character. I would then take the personalities of people I knew around me, change their names and physical appearance ever so slightly and turn them into cartoon characters as well. The premise I mentioned would reflect on my background as a paramedic but with a B-Movie comedic twist to it all. The name for this madness would simply be PSYCHO+MEDIC. I came up with the idea originally when I was 18 years old and had just recieved my EMT license at the time, and for some odd reason based it off some crazy karate obsession I had going at the time, complete with Kung-fu jokes and Bruce Lee spin-offs. It wasn't until years later that I had been to Korea did the idea become solid enough to do something with it, and instead took the whole anime approach with it. After all, anime was starting to finally catch on despite being largely underground for the most part, and I wanted to ride the crest of that wave, and figured what better way to do that than with anime-style references? I had the idea that I would do battle with my arch-nemesis CAPTAIN FAT-ASS and her feculent monster Sterculius - originally based on a jaded doctor I once knew. Obviously she got her name from having such a huge fucking fat ass, and was always bitter because of it. Armed with two ninja swords, the Psycho+Medic character would be a cheesey Street Fighter II rip off of RYU where the name of some stupid attack would be said before it was actually carried out - similar to all those gay cartoons from the 80's like VOLTRON or THUNDERCATS. You can tell I used to watch alot of TV when I was a kid. Anycase, STERCULIUS was a 500 pound shit monster, loosely based on Jabba the Hutt, who Captain Fat-Ass had shit out one day, and magically came to life. Why or how it did is anybody's guess, but it just did, and originally I had planned it to be the side-kick to her character, like Batman and Robin. Only she'd be Fat-Ass and Robin. Now people think that coming up with a great idea is all you need. WRONG. Coming up with a great idea AND A STORY LINE is what makes or breaks a series, and that was the hard part. Of course how many people can relate to the military? Aside from Beetle Bailey comic strips, no self-respecting artist uses that genre anymore because it's too limited of a medium to work with. At least to me it is any how. I would have to mix things up enough to where most people would get the premise of what is going on yet still keep that underground following that most comic book nerds fancy themselves being. Alas, I was off to a good start and had kept a sketch book, only I didn't have the time and eventually lost interest when I did. Lemme tell yah - once those ideas stop coming, it's damn hard to get that muse back again! I would start an idea for a story and then only be able to flesh out just a few panels of artwork at a time. If you're going to be anywhere near successful, you have to be able to pump ideas out and make them stick on an insane level! Nevermind the fact that I was going through burn out for my normal job, having something extra like that would just be too much! So the limited free time I did have I would spend playing video games or going out and getting laid. Let's face it, once the pussy fairy no longer sprinkles her magic dust on you, you're up shit-creek permanently. Period. Might as well have fun while I could, and I did. So now I come up with ideas but they pale in comparison. Part of me wants to revive the whole idea yet I just don't have the time or the direction to take this thing where I would want it to be. Eventually the whole PSYCHO+MEDIC storyline would be one giant parody of contemporary society, kinda like what FRANK ZAPPA or HOWARD STERN have been able to accomplish through their end of the media. Granted I wouldn't expect any movie rights or cartoon series but at the very least garner a respectable size following. Kinda like this loser blog I manage. Heh.

How Should I Know?

Heh.

Game Jew

What do you get when you take some Italian Jewish guy who loves video games so much he makes a YouTube video dedicated to Nintendo games? Game Jew !! Heh. If I was smart. If was cool. I'd do what this guy did. This website ROCKS only my slow-ass dial-up service prevents me from truly enjoying it. So enjoy for me instead. Heh.

500 words about 500 posts

Tonight's blog is something quite special - for it marks my 500th BLOG ENTRY. Obviously you retards are somewhat amused by my idiotic ramblings enough to feed this habit of mine - the habit of performing before a large audience from the comfort of seclusion and anonymity. Perhaps I should do what most television series and radio talk shows do, and that is to host a "Best of" kind of special. Well the way I see it, I've always felt ripped off by those assholes who would do that to their viewers since they were looking for a quick way out before the new season started. Well not here. You don't get a new season per se however you do get to read the same shitty whining and jack-assy stories about someone past their prime should know better about. Maybe I should talk about future plans here on the BLACK RUSTED VAN blog, but I think it goes without saying. I mean someone who spends his free time playing video games and avoiding most people is quite easy to predict what he will be doing 5 years, 10 years, and even 20 years from now. It's not like you need some stupid fucking crystal ball to foresee that shit. But who knows. As much as I say my life has been a COSMIC JOKE of sorts, shit kinda happens at the last minute where something good does come along to totally contradict all the Madness and Chaos that I call my daily life. But who are we kidding. A subscription to HUSTLER magazine and stock in K-Y Jelly is all I see for the time being. Heh. Eh. I envy people like HOWARD STERN who turn their thoughts and daily lives into entertainment for the masses. While I am quite sure it's taxing on some grand scale to continually deliver that kind of humor for 5 hours a day straight, they make it look so easy and are often times just talking about shit they enjoy most of all. Don and Mike on the DON AND MIKE RADIO SHOW are notorious for that too - if I could do something like they do and call it THE MACHINE RADIO SHOW, then I would, only it would most likely involve the stupid shit you already see here. Although I suppose I could spice things up and do some random shit like all the hilarity that ensues from picking girls up at a bar and getting shot down because you're not black or kissing their ass. So perhaps I should turn this post over to you, the reader, and ask what it is that you've gained from reading this blog. I mean my disclaimer states "FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY" and seems to be working pretty good so far, but I'm curious what it is that you've actually learned from my musings and ramblings. I hate to be the deep, philosophical type considering how I've learned most people don't want to deal with that kinda bullshit, at least at face level anyhow, but what is it that you still keep coming back for? I suppose I could ask, only most of you half-wits don't know how to use the comment box located below, and the other half don't give a damn.

En Espanol

One thing I like to do is to see who the hell is looking at this blog. Needless to say there are alot of bored people out there with way too much time on their hands! Besides people in the military looking at this blog from work (you assholes should be working, not surfing the internet!!!!) I get alot of religious (read: Christian) viewers and people in Latino-based countries. Just yesterday some Catholic priest from Spain was looking at this blog - why I don't know - perhaps he's doing some homework for a sermon he's going to deliver for Sunday Mass and decided this shitstain of a blog had more info than he needed. What was weirder was that I think he also did a Google search and had Google translate the part he was reading. I saw that and was laughing my ass off. My blog in Spanish. Heh. I can hardly write the damn thing in English, but looking at it in Spanish just made it appear all the more vile and disgusting than it already is for some reason. So I suppose if someone translated this blog into French it would appear all the more wussy than it already is too, and I suppose if it was in straight German it would look like nothing but one long sentence smashed together - the Germans are notorious for putting two words together in order to make one word - no hyphens, semi-colons or anything separating it either. Crazy. So since I have a strong hispanic population hitting my blog, should I have some kinda appreciation corner every now and then? I did a post about RICHARD RAMIREZ THE NIGHTSTALKER way early in this blog and think that should be sufficient enough. Wait. I know. Heh.

Half

Dude. I love HALF.com - I can find all the old video games that I never picked up when they were first out on this place. Heh. Even some of the newer shit people have purchased can be bought here for less than the shelf price. For example, I love my PS2 even more and more for some weird reason than my X-BOX or X-BOX 360 - and I wanna get some of the more bizarre games from 2002 time frame - while places like GAME STOP back in the States had a good share, they still don't have those rare gems which video game magazines sing praises about - games like ICO, GITAROO MAN, and MAD MAESTRO. Even this one weird game called MISTER MOSQUITO I've managed to locate on HALF - a game where you have to go suck blood outta someone in the room, usually when they're sleeping or sitting at a desk reading a newspaper or something. Way fucking weird by Western Civilization standards, however living in Japan for the brief time that I did, I can completely understand how it would be right up their alley. Sad to say, the PS2 is nearing its self-life expectancy, especially with the PS3 looming around the corner. It's inevitable that sooner or later all great video game platforms come to an end, but it also means that a shitloada games get marked 50 - 75% off since nobody "wants" to play an "old" system anymore. Personally I think that companies like Sony, Nintendo, and Microsoft should milk every last cent outta a system before they release something new, and then even provide healthy support to existing consoles since most people won't buy/can't afford one right off the bat. Of course it gives video game affecionados like myself countless games at cheap-ass prices - yet another reason not to leave the house. I swear - once I leave the military that's all I'm gonna do nonstop. I'll just go to COSTCO and stock up on soda, nachos, pizza and beer. I'll let my hygiene go and resemble COMIC BOOK GUY from THE SIMPSONS in no time. Heh.

Working on the Weekends

Heh. It sucks but it's gotta get done. At least I will be able to take a break everyone once in a while with my new best friend: THE SONY PSP Heh. Well actually I bought the PSP last year but it's only recently that I've taken a renewed interest in it. Lately I've been having a real affection for my NINTENDO DS despite the fact it's still sitting in the original packaging. I think I'm more infatuated with the idea of owning it than actually playing it perhaps. Who knows why. Anycase that's the plan but the reality is most likely gonna be that I won't have time to do jackdammit in between tasks, so it will just stay at home on the shelf. Because I am starting to work so many late hours, I have half the mind to bring it to work regardless and play it during my lunch hour. Blow off some steam the healthy way. If I could only hide in the janitor's closet nobody would ever think of looking for me there.....perhaps I can bribe the cleaning lady to give me a duplicate spare key? Heh.

Yet another reason not to leave the house

Heh. Or should I say "Huh huh huh huh"? I'll see you fartknockers once I'm done watching the complete set.

Silent (But Violent) Hill

Heh.


For some reason I am on a potty-humor kick this week. Who knows why. I just am.

Anycase I was thinking about it - the only way the coolest film so far this year - SILENT HILL could be any cooler, was if someone were to make a PARODY of the film in the same spirit that SCARY MOVIE makes fun of the whole SCREAM trilogy. Simply put, it could be called





SILENT FART

Run with me on this one kids - the story centers around a little girl with an excessive flatulence disorder, caused from eating too many fava beans, over-ripe fruit, and deep-fried foods. As a result, her CROHN'S DISEASE kicks in and she craps her pants. Her mom, hearing that there's this renowned Gastrointestinal doctor by the name of Hugh Jass in some backwoods town in Kentucky, decides to take her daughter there for treatment and possibly a cure.

On the way, they eat at some greasy spoon diner which kicks her Crohn's into over-time, causing thick green fart clouds to appear, turning the locals into zombies. Unfortunately for her, the renowned doctor they're seeking decided to get the fuck outta the sticks and move to Los Angeles, and they're stuck now without a cure. Having to flee for their lives, the green cloud starts to mutate the zombies who in turn crap their pants too. Declaring a catastrophy, the local law enforcement try contacting FEMA in order to evacuate the remaining people from the town, only FEMA is ill-equipped once again to handle such an event, only they don't want to go public and embarass the little girl as well as themselves. So, throughout the entire film they have to convince her to change her diet in hopes the rancid poopy gas will abate and people will return to normal inbred hillbillies that they were to begin with. (side note: Come to think of it....would you rather live in a town full of inbred hillbillies or a town fulla zombies? I suppose there wouldn't be that much of a difference if yah know what I mean...)

As you can see, I tried making a movie poster with my photo editor thing (much thanks to RUCKUS for the inspiration)only it looks hella shitty and very amateurish. What do you expect from some moron on a shoe-string budget? Send me some cash and I'll see what I can come up with next time! Anycase if any of you Hollyweird asshole-types know Jerry and David Zucker (Kentucky Fried Movie, Naked Gun movies, Airplane!) then tell them to contact me and we can talk about a movie deal or something. Heh.

Ground Zero

Oh my fucking gawd.

This morning I felt the worst tremor of all.

Yes, Manuke the Shit Demon stirred around 4am and awoke me from a dead slumber.

I had to take a royal fucking dump no matter how much I tried to sleep it off. And it was bad too.

Fuck.

I hit that toilet bowl with a serious fucking vengeance like Nagasaki or Hiroshima, leaving a stench that would gag even a maggot. I swear to fucking Christ if it was possible for nuclear fission to take form in the shape of a turd mushroom cloud, it did so in miniscule proprotions, leaving a blast radius of 10 inches in diameter. I mean I felt the fucking shockwaves hit the water, which splashed up and hit my ass in the same manner those education films from the 1950's show the house getting hit by a blast wave. It was insane.

I don't know shit (pun completely intended) about the theory of relativity or subatomic fusion or any of that college crap, but if those assholes at NASA could harness the power that my ass generated this morning, I swear we could've powered NYC for an entire week straight.

Anycase I swear my toilet bowl still has scorch marks and I had best keep my NBC (Nuclear, Biological, Chemical) gear handy next time the shit demon stirs. I may have a mini-Chernobyl happen in my bathroom and I don't want the fallout to burn my nuts off for life. More importantly, all these UFO nuts claim up and down that UFOs are attracted to intense radiation readings - perhaps that's why so many people abducted and get an anal probe? They have atomic little shit clouds when they take a dump too and the aliens are doing routine maintenance on their descending colon, which in turn they hook up to power their ship to get home. That's it - that's the secret to UFO abduction and I just solved it!

So. That means I better wear lead underwear to bed tonight in hopes it will keep Manuke the Shit Demon in and those stupid UFO aliens out.

Heh.


Good night.

Heh.

Not really in too much of a mood to write anything tonight. Don't really care about the whole 9-11 media thing going on either. I could go on some rant but perhaps that's saved better for another time instead.

Jerk off?

Cry?

Look for runaways at the train station?

A jar of peanut butter?

The neighbor's dog?

Dog-turd water balloons?

Heh.

I find myself enjoying video games much more than interacting with the real world around me. People are such total assholes. I hate them which is why I avoid most of them if possible - otherwise they waste my time with inane bullshit. It's bad enough I have to tolerate it at work.

Heh.

It's my battle-cry. My mantra. The dis-illusionment of reality. The jaded resonance from too much bureaucracy clogging my life. Knowing that no matter what you do, none of it will matter even 5 years from now.

Heh.

The sound of bitter indignation thrown back with sarcasm. Fuel for the fire and a beacon in the darkness. A chainsaw for those who can't see the forest for all the trees. A lawnmower for a football field full of asses.

Heh.

When in doubt? Just say HEH. HEH to drugs. HEH to alcohol. HEH to tobacco. HEH to Jesus. HEH to all you can eat buffets. HEH to angry femin-nazi lesbians. HEH to Christian Conservative Republicans. HEH to cry-baby Liberals and Democrats. HEH to your asshole neighbor for being stuck with a fat wife, bratty kids, two car payments and a mortgage, all so he can be "free".

HEH is the answer. HEH is what God said when he made all of this. HEH is the Alpha and Omega. The first and last in all discussions. Without HEH, you can't spell YAHEHWEH.

Heh.

It should be my middle name. The name of this blog. MACHINE'S HEH BLOG. I could forsake any rantings or pseudo-intellectualism and just post the word HEH as my daily update. What did I do today? HEH. Lemme tell yah.

Heh.

If there was a definitive punchline to any joke you could tell, it could easily be HEH. HEH pretty much sums up this blog and all of my collective efforts throughout the years. And the fact I always seem to have an audience regardless of what I post here. I think this blog is the biggest joke of all, with all of you as willing participants. A Divine Comedy for the retarded, with I - your Virgil guiding you through the dumber parts of Hell. My Hell.


Heh.

Bizarre Video Games

As you assholes know, I LOVE playing video games. There just isn't enough time in the day or my schedule to sit on the couch like some goddamned retard and play these things - unfortunately stupid crap like WORK and FRIENDS always seem to get in the way.

Usually I like sticking to my X-Box or PS2, however there's one website worth checking out:


BIZARRE VIDEO GAMES

Yes kids, this is stuff that people have made and have sent in so then losers like you and me can do stuff besides work when we're stuck at the job. My fave was SHIT WAR - a game where you hurl TURDS at one another in the boy's bathroom.

There's another game called FART FART GAME where you're standing at a Korean bus stop and you have to fart, or else risk shitting your pants, only there's some dude standing next to you and have you to be discrete. Luckily enough, traffic is driving by and you can let one rip each time a car or a truck passes. It's pretty hilarious.

The grossest, but funniest game is ACNE BE GONE where you can squeeze a whole bunch of zits on some dude's face. I remember playing a game similar to this so many years ago, I wish I still had a copy of it on disk somewhere - but this is just as hilarious.

They've got all sorts of other shit on here too that I won't comment on - I'll let you figure what's out there.

But goddammit if that SHIT WAR game isn't the funniest!

Do the Duw

I saw this license plate the other day and had to take a photograph of it. No kids, I'm not making this up. The Europeans do have a sense of humor, just not so brash as we do.

Goddammit I need to steal this plate and hang it on the wall at home ~!

Don't touch that Kebab

If you've ever been to Europe you know how much the Europeans love their Doner Kebabs. We call them Gyros in the States, but over here they're known simply as "kebabs". They're pretty tasty too - I've eaten plenty of them for lunch or fighting off a drinking binge at 2am in the morning. Plus you take a really good dump afterwards too.



As you can see here, this huge rack of meat cooks on a turnstile, and it gets shaved off by the cook before it gets handed to you, the customer. While the cooking practices are questionable, I have yet to get sick from eating one of these things. As it turns out, now the quality of the meat is coming into question too - the German media has been having a frenzy on how suddenly all this 7 & 8 year old meat that's been kept in storage is being distributed all over Germany and parts of Italy by some Doner Kebab Mafia of sorts. Obviously the meat shouldn't be sold for human consumption but they're injecting it with blood plasma according to the reports, which will give it a fresh texture and appearance. While it doesn't mention it here, word is that the penalties imposed by the health inspectors are being paid by the mafia since it's considered chump change (E60,000 per violation) since they make millions of Euro annually. While I don't eat out much, this definitely makes me want to order pizza the next time I go out!

So in the spirit of enjoying all things gross and just plain out disgusting, I want to open up MACHINE'S KEBAB STAND in the little village that I live in. I will take anything from road kill to the neighbor's cat and cook the thing on one of these turnstile devices and sell it for mere Euro cents. I could be like that Barth guy from You Can't Do That on Television too where I show the dead carcass to the consumer before grilling it up on the miniature merry-go-round. Or better yet - just have a small carousel of odd creatures you can serve up to eat - and even go so far to mix & match too! Yes, the world can be yours on the tip of your tongue for a small price - and chances are any hallucinations you'd get as a side effect from eating the food would be perfectly legal, so you know I'd have a group of repeat customers! I'd give these mafioso types a run for their money since I would advertise that my product is 100% natural and free of human blood plasma! People would line up for miles too - just you watch.



"You want seconds? Dah, I heard that!!!"

Labor Day Weekend

Sleep and play video games.

That's all.

Back in Germany

So kids, I made it back to Germany - for once I slept for pretty much the entire flight - those of you who know me know this is something which normally never happens. The trick? NYQUIL GEL CAPS for a Eustachian Tube Dysfunction that I had in my right ear - that shit knocked my ass out real good, and then some. I figure it was the high altitude which really did it for me. Have to wash the car, mow the lawn, clean the house, jerk off and cry, and catch up on a shitloada work. I don't even wanna go into detail about that. I'm glad to be back in Germany again, and that's the bottom line. You all can have San Antonio and Tex-ass for all I care.