Vampire Movies Suck
Vampire movies suck. In both senses of the term.
I'm sitting there today, eating lunch in the break room, when some shitty vampire movie is showing. I have no idea what the hell it is at first, but it seems like they're ripping off the movie Hell Boy. Some guy dressed in a trench coat is walking around listening to some British guy describing some new weapons that he's been developing to combat the forces of darkness. Yeah, like that's never been in a movie before.
The movie turned out to be Van Helsing, which was a shitty snoozer of a film that I never bothered to watch, when it was originally out in movie theaters. I didn't care for it then, and I certainly didn't care for it now, either. Having to stomach this stinker of a flick while I was eating my chicken fried rice just did not set well with me for some reason. As I continued watching this festering turd, I realized why it was such a rotten tomato...it wasn't the poor acting, the horribly-written script, or the tired story line of good overcoming darkness, but getting it's ass-whooped in the process....it was the fact that the same fucking formula has been applied to just about every occult flick this past decade. It's always the same fucking thing too...evil can only be defeated by a handful of holy weapons blessed by a priest, and usually resemble rejected props from a Steam-Punk convention. It doesn't matter that having true faith in God and Jesus Christ is the only way they can be defeated. Instead, Hollywood continues to crank the same has-been tale of vampire hunters and good versus evil, and like brain-dead zombies, the public continues to pay money to watch this shit. Like Fonzi jumping the proverial shark, the vampire film genre has now reached the point of absurdity.
And don't even get me started on the whole Twilight series, you fucking sick fuck soccer moms out there.....
(pre-emptive 'Heh')
Anycase, the point I am trying to make is this: as I was finishing up my lunch, it dawned on me that Hollywood won't and will never make a vampire film from the other perspective: the demonic perspective. To do so, would be risking uncharted territory at the box office. It would go outside the norms of what Hollywood considers 'safe' entertainment. They want to market something edgy, but sugar-coated at the same time. Safe, but not too safe. Something that they know will draw enough interest from all age groups.
In the world of demonology, vampires are bottom-feeders when it comes to demons. They have to rely on physical sustenance (blood) in order to stay alive, can't be out in daylight, or anywhere near Italian or Korean food (garlic). Crosses scare the shit out of them, and if their casket gets broken or torched, then they're fucked. Throw a stake in their heart, chop off their heads, and they're done. They're small potatoes in comparison to some of the more powerful demons in Hell, and they damn well know it, considering that demons are not bound by physical restraints in most cases. Most demons eat souls in order to prevail, all the while growing stronger. The more souls they devour or conquer, the better they can negotiate contracts with other demons they are at odds with, or who perhaps are stronger. Demons can possess both the living and dead bodies, and come and go as they please, while vampires are confined to only one host body - their original body. All vampires do is suck blood, kill people, and bitch about how broken-hearted they've been for the last 300 years or so, while demons don't waste people's time with any of that mess. Instead, they offer up power or knowledge in exchange in the form of a contract - something a vampire would never be able to do. If a vampire were to 'create' another vampire, then automatically they're in competition for whatever local food source there may be. Demons don't waste time with any of that crap either. Instead, they prefer solitude over the company of others.
My idea for the film would to make up a story about the heirarchy of Hell, and how the demonic chain of command operates. Make the thing scary as shit too. Have actors and actresses dress up as demons, succubi, and mortals who have been enslaved for an eternity in Hell. Have a storyline which reflects the true struggle and insubordination that demons are notorious for within their own ranks, and how futile it ultimately is. Pit vampires against some of the stronger demons, and show how wimpy they really are in comparison. Leave out this stupid shit about were-wolves and zombies too....Hell does not operate in that manner. By doing this, Hollywood would truly be breaking ground in the film industry, and would give all these stupid teen-age girls and these soccer moms alike a run for their money. It would expose vampires for the no-talent hacks that they truly are, and perhaps in turn would give demons the credibility they deserve. It would definitely be the last time any of these bitches would be rubbing one off thinking of that fag Edward, that's for sure.
Heh.
I'm sitting there today, eating lunch in the break room, when some shitty vampire movie is showing. I have no idea what the hell it is at first, but it seems like they're ripping off the movie Hell Boy. Some guy dressed in a trench coat is walking around listening to some British guy describing some new weapons that he's been developing to combat the forces of darkness. Yeah, like that's never been in a movie before.
The movie turned out to be Van Helsing, which was a shitty snoozer of a film that I never bothered to watch, when it was originally out in movie theaters. I didn't care for it then, and I certainly didn't care for it now, either. Having to stomach this stinker of a flick while I was eating my chicken fried rice just did not set well with me for some reason. As I continued watching this festering turd, I realized why it was such a rotten tomato...it wasn't the poor acting, the horribly-written script, or the tired story line of good overcoming darkness, but getting it's ass-whooped in the process....it was the fact that the same fucking formula has been applied to just about every occult flick this past decade. It's always the same fucking thing too...evil can only be defeated by a handful of holy weapons blessed by a priest, and usually resemble rejected props from a Steam-Punk convention. It doesn't matter that having true faith in God and Jesus Christ is the only way they can be defeated. Instead, Hollywood continues to crank the same has-been tale of vampire hunters and good versus evil, and like brain-dead zombies, the public continues to pay money to watch this shit. Like Fonzi jumping the proverial shark, the vampire film genre has now reached the point of absurdity.
And don't even get me started on the whole Twilight series, you fucking sick fuck soccer moms out there.....
(pre-emptive 'Heh')
Anycase, the point I am trying to make is this: as I was finishing up my lunch, it dawned on me that Hollywood won't and will never make a vampire film from the other perspective: the demonic perspective. To do so, would be risking uncharted territory at the box office. It would go outside the norms of what Hollywood considers 'safe' entertainment. They want to market something edgy, but sugar-coated at the same time. Safe, but not too safe. Something that they know will draw enough interest from all age groups.
In the world of demonology, vampires are bottom-feeders when it comes to demons. They have to rely on physical sustenance (blood) in order to stay alive, can't be out in daylight, or anywhere near Italian or Korean food (garlic). Crosses scare the shit out of them, and if their casket gets broken or torched, then they're fucked. Throw a stake in their heart, chop off their heads, and they're done. They're small potatoes in comparison to some of the more powerful demons in Hell, and they damn well know it, considering that demons are not bound by physical restraints in most cases. Most demons eat souls in order to prevail, all the while growing stronger. The more souls they devour or conquer, the better they can negotiate contracts with other demons they are at odds with, or who perhaps are stronger. Demons can possess both the living and dead bodies, and come and go as they please, while vampires are confined to only one host body - their original body. All vampires do is suck blood, kill people, and bitch about how broken-hearted they've been for the last 300 years or so, while demons don't waste people's time with any of that mess. Instead, they offer up power or knowledge in exchange in the form of a contract - something a vampire would never be able to do. If a vampire were to 'create' another vampire, then automatically they're in competition for whatever local food source there may be. Demons don't waste time with any of that crap either. Instead, they prefer solitude over the company of others.
My idea for the film would to make up a story about the heirarchy of Hell, and how the demonic chain of command operates. Make the thing scary as shit too. Have actors and actresses dress up as demons, succubi, and mortals who have been enslaved for an eternity in Hell. Have a storyline which reflects the true struggle and insubordination that demons are notorious for within their own ranks, and how futile it ultimately is. Pit vampires against some of the stronger demons, and show how wimpy they really are in comparison. Leave out this stupid shit about were-wolves and zombies too....Hell does not operate in that manner. By doing this, Hollywood would truly be breaking ground in the film industry, and would give all these stupid teen-age girls and these soccer moms alike a run for their money. It would expose vampires for the no-talent hacks that they truly are, and perhaps in turn would give demons the credibility they deserve. It would definitely be the last time any of these bitches would be rubbing one off thinking of that fag Edward, that's for sure.
Heh.
posted by Machine at 8:46 PM
0 comments
