Dork and the Spring Chicken

So Dork is going to take over the Spring Chicken. It's been decided. He has passed his German Driver's test and is already on the road as we speak. We shook hands on it yesterday so it's a done-deal. I suppose I'll miss the Spring Chicken for what it's worth - $500. I'm glad that I don't have to worry about maintenance and all that B.S. That fucking death-trap on wheels can be their grave and not mine. Heh. Aside from that we had a fair dumping of snow. All that balls-freezing weather we had this past week meant something after all. Mother Nature decided to shit and then get off the pot. Maybe it will all melt and go away soon enough. Zhombie let me borrow another one of his shitty movies - A Day Without a Mexican. Listen kids, this is another waste of film. In a nutshell it deals with the illegal immigration problem that California is plagued with and how suddenly "if" all the Messicans that work on the farms were to magically disappear, our economy would come to a grinding halt and pandemonium would ensue. That is complete and utter horseshit. Ca ca, mi amigo. Throughout the film they boast all sorts of facts how they're vital to America, but they fail to address the issue that Vincente Fox isn't taking care of his countries problems. Instead, he pawns them off on us. Also, not every Sancho coming to America does so under honest intentions. I won't bore you with fact - just read the news. The bottom line is that I won't borrow any more of Zhombie's movies since they suck and they're not worth my time.

Cold

Goddammit it's been cold this past week! I've been freezing my balls off despite the fact I've been bundled up and kept the space heater going. I don't know if this is a sign of this horseshit global warming that all these alarmists are screaming about or if Germany is naturally this cold during the winter months. All I know is that I'm developing some kind of reaction to the weather - the skin on my hands looks like it's developing some sort of eczema. German 112 is starting to make a little bit more sense. Tonight we learned a very important law regarding past-tense. You know how in the English language we use the ending "ed" at the end of a word, like "I looked"? Well the Germans have something very similar only it goes at the beginning of the word. "Ge". For example "Ich habe gehabt" or "I have had" and the cool thing is that once you tack that "ge" part on the beginning of the verb, you don't fuck around with it anymore. I know this probably sounds boring as fuck to the most of you (NeverEnough especially) but this really turned the lights on in the attic for me when the teacher was explaining this tonight. It's bad enough I'm struggling to catch up with everyone else but every little bit helps. Oh yeah. And there are two fuck-tard lovebirds in the class who sit next to eachother and practically lick one another or some shit while the teacher is teaching. I saw them in the parking lot tonight sucking face despite the subfreezing chill and wondered what the fuck that was all about. At least if they're going to make out, film it so we can put it on the internet and make a fucking buck from it or something. It must be nice to get laid on a frequent basis. I wouldn't know. I need to go wipe my ass with a cheese grater - the ramen noodles are acting up.

F-N-G and the Spring Chicken

So. We got a new guy in yesterday. A Fucking New Guy. An F-N-G. This dude is so fucking wet behind the ears it's not even funny, but he's not some dork that just came to us straight from boot camp or anything. He's been in at least 3 years and has an idea of what the fuck goes on at the very least. He's somewhat dorky and reminds me of Tokyo Joe from Misawa although he's not as much as a fucking ass-kisser and wood-chaser like Tokyo Joe was from what I've gathered so far. I'll refer to F-N-G as "Dork" until I can come up with a better name. I suppose he's cool but time will tell. Anycase he needs a set of wheels since hitch-hiking in the KMC area is frowned upon and he has a wife with him. She's a little hottie too - a strawberry blonde with decent tits but a huge dumper of an ass. Eh. Considering he resembles Where's Waldo in BDU's I suppose he landed himself a winner pretty good. I dunno. I took them out to go house-hunting today and where we went was WAAAAAY the fuck away from base. I mean it was a good 30 minute drive just to Vogelweh alone to see this house, only all the decent houses closer to work are presently occupied. More importantly, I took them out while driving the Spring Chicken since I have a plan. Dork needs a set of wheels, ergo I can sell him the Spring Chicken for dirt-fucking-cheap (what I paid for it) and the problem is solved. I don't have to worry about this piece of shit car breaking down on me anymore and he won't be late for work (unless it breaks down on him, of course!). A win-win sitch all around. So he seemed pretty excited I was going to depart with my beloved Chicken. I told him how fucked up and retarded the car can be at times and he was digging it nonetheless. As far as he was concerned if I could transfer the title on the spot, it would be a done-deal, however there are some technicalities that need to be met first, and I won't bore you with such details. So back to this house they were looking at - she loved it from the moment she saw it but Dork didn't like it at all. Speaking with the German land-lady the current person who was in the process of moving out had alot of shit to take care of before everything could be finalized. Furniture was still in the house and the electricity had been cut which meant it was no longer being used. What fucking grossed me out was when I went to open the fridge to show Dork what a German fridge (Der Kuhlshrank) looks like, there was a shit-load of moldy food that had been left to grow AND THE SMELL WAS FUCKING DIS-GUST-ING. What's even worse is how the smell filled the entire house too! BARF! Dork and his woman got into a slight argument as to why he didn't like the house that they cut short to discuss later. While I am NO expert when it comes to relationships, I do know that usually if a chick digs a place she's discovered, chances are she's not going to change her mind. It has something to do with the nesting instinct and unless they find a better place she's hooked on it. If Dork is a smart man he'll let her have her way or else he'll be jerking off in the bathroom with the daily edition of the Bild Newspaper. For the unenlightened out there, they have a topless chick on every front page, everyday. They're practically giving porn away in this country! It was getting late and I took them back to where they live in Billeting currently. Before that I took them out for their first Doner Kebab and Dork was hooked on them right away. I can tell he's going to eat those things like they're going out of style if given the chance. I'll have to take them out this weekend or something but I have school Friday night since last Monday was Martin Luther King day. Who knows? Maybe I can swing so after class I pick them up and then take them down to K-Town to get trashed. I'll bring my camera and take the necessary black-mail photographs as the night progresses. Heh.

R.I.P Chair-Force

R.I.P Chair-Force.com

Yes, this infamous website passed away this past weekend due to lack of funding. It was fun while it lasted and it will truly be missed as a great outlet to vent the dirty laundry of the military and to just have fun all around.

I joined almost 2 years ago (it was March 2004) after getting a link from my bud Tenacious D at Misawa. D introduced me to the site and I got hooked instantly - the stories of JoeTheFat were legendary! I mean this guy was funny as Hell and got his break through Tucker Max. Here you had this guy who had balls the size of the Rock of Gibraltar and pissed everyone off in his chain of command by basically stating the truth - Springer style. No sacred cow was left uncooked and attacked everything from the bullshit bureaucracy that plagues the system to the people who generate it and reinforce it. If there was a Joan of Arc from the Trailer Park, it was definitely JoeTheFat.

Well, nothing goes without consequence and he ended up taking one for the team. Before you knew it, he was getting kicked out over some bullshit. Technically they couldn't stop him from this larger-than-life monument to truly not giving a shit, however they chose to make his life miserable every which way they could - and did. Joe went from Patron Saint to Most Hated overnight and before he knew it, he was out. A shame too. Like the legendary Prometheus he had stolen fire from the gods and as a result it was snuffed out in the end. His presence on the board became less and less as his time apart from the military grew more and more. Finally Crazy Girl, his girlfriend took over as the primary Administrator for the site until she finally made the announcement it was going to close up permanently, which really sucks. But people move on with their lives and all good things eventually come to an end.

I will really miss checking the website daily. It was a HUGE morale booster when I was in Japan and an even GREATER source of relief this past year in Korea. I told him this directly when I went to go visit them both just this past August and how much we're indebted to him for making something so genius. I hope that the site will change hands since there are some people interested in buying the domain but I don't think it will happen. Tragedy really.

I was really pissed when Michael Eisner of former Disney notoriety closed down the Webchat Broadcasting Service (WBS) in 1999. He was convinced that despite 3 million registered users that it just wasn't in the company's best interest to dump more money into the project and make it grow. As a result I refuse to purchase anything Disney related no matter how funny or cool it might seem. He fucking alienated his crowd and look where he is now. While I hold no bones against Joe or anyone else from Chair-Force, I'll be just as upset if nothing else pops up to replace it. I suppose there's always the Satannet messageboard that I haven't been to in ages, although to be honest I've lost interest in what alot of people have to say. I figure I've been doing my own thing for so long and it's been working, so stick with what I know.

Anycase, rest in peace Chair-Force.com. You were one on equal footing with EvilDave.com and Cattygoths.


Salut.

Der Geizhalz Strikes Again!

Wow.

The Commissary was having yet ANOTHER sale this past week! The item in question?


NOODLES.


I love them. Ramen, Yakisoba, and Udon noodles. The 8 years I spent living in Asia has me hooked on them - that and rice. I could live on an Asian diet for the rest of my life and be completely happy with it.

Anycase, like I was saying, there was a shit load of these Ramen noodle cups on sale and bought them right up. People were looking at me like I was some freak (again) because I filled my shopping cart full of these and then proceeded to check out. Some kids were trying to steal some of mine and gave them the Machine scare-glance I give when people invade my personal space.



So now I have like 24 cases of the shit. I even took one in to work to eat for lunch, and the other case is on the kitchen table. Three minutes in the microwave and I'm eating like a king.



Yes, the Cheap Ass has struck again!

Video Game Movies

Most video game movies suck.

Doom.

Tomb Raider 1 & 2.

Alone in the Dark.

House of the Dead.

What compels Hollywood to crank out these stinker films I don't know, but for some reason I always remain hopeful that someone will get the formula right for once and make a really kick-ass film.

Well. Almost.

I went to see the film Grandma's Boy tonight - a film about a 35 year old loser who tests video games for a living that gets evicted from his apartment when his roomie fails to pay the rent. See, his roomie has an addiction to Filipino hookers and instead all the money went to them. As a result he's forced to go live at his grandma's house and deal with her fucking old biddy roomies as well.

This film is an Adam Sandler movie, believe it or not. I think Adam Sandler is annoying as hell and usually avoid films with him starring as the main character, however this film does justice. It rightfully stereotypes every kind of video game dork that's out there from the fat 500 pound blubbering piece of whale shit to the scrawny nerd that dresses like he's a double from The Matrix. They're pretty brutal with the insults and rightfully so. The crowning piece is when David Spade plays a gay waiter in some New-Age restaurant they all go to - if you've ever seen the film Joe Dirt then you know how fucking hilarious he can be at times. Rob Schneider makes a cameo early in the film as well but isn't anywhere near as funny.

What the fuck possesses people to fucking geek out? I mean shit, I love video games as much as the next person but I'm not going to be some fucking dork who dresses up like Super Mario at the next gaming convention. I shit you not. Grown people do this crap all the time and think they're cool. I saw this especially at the San Diego Comic Con this past July and wondered what the fuck was going on. I can understand a kid in elementary school doing it or even a kid in kindergarten but a GROWN FUCKING MAN? Fuck me running.

Anycase everyone who has ever picked up a controller and played Legend of Zelda or Halo will really have a blast with the film. Any pissed off girlfriend or wife whose man pays more attention to his X-Box than her will have all the more reason to hate video games after seeing this. It makes me wish I was dating someone right now just so I could rub it in her face or something.

Oh yeah. And the fat kid gets laid in the film by a hot chick with huge tits.

Fucking awesome.

Money talks

So now the shoe is on the other foot. I was right all along - money talks and bullshit walks. I think the same guy who posted his anti-American tantrum woke up and realized how vital we are to the economy of this region, probably when he found out his ass was getting canned at the local factory. I highly doubt it has anything to do with "Freedom" since most Europeans pander to these terrorist-fucks instead of being proactive like what we're doing. But whatever. This guy is warming up to his audience and kissing our asses is a start. Ironically enough there were some German women handing out fliers against the noise. One of them thought I was a local and gave one to me until she spoke and asked me something in German. I replied with the limited vocabulary I have which shocked the shit out of her. In alot of ways, this is no different than the drama that goes on in Okinawa. The Okinawans hate our presence yet the moment there is any talk of us packing up and going elsewhere, they panic, citing economic instability and fear of China coming over and royally kicking their asses. They call us criminals and curse the air we breathe, but Hell forbid their primary source of income (us) disappears. So, deal with the jet noise. I hate it as much as the next person losing sleep but you still have money in your bank account at the end of the month. Until someone comes up with a better system we're here to stay.

No more Drunk Dials

No more drunk dials. For now. Nobody is ever home or they're fucking off when the phone is right next to them and they're too goddamned lazy to pick up. I called like 3 or 4 people last night or something and all I got was voice mail. Besides, you assholes are starting to like me as a person and we can't have that. At least in theory you're starting to like me anyhow. Just spend some time with me sober and you'll think twice. So until someone makes it worth my while (pics, MPEGS, or otherwise) no more drunk dialing. You've gotta make it worth my time.

Der Geizhalz

I am one cheap motherfucker. I mean it.

I'll buy the generic shit without thinking twice, and will save my money for the really nice shit - automobiles and video games. Everything else is perishable and therefore quickly replaced - shampoo, toothpaste, underwear and food.

In this case, diet soda.



It turns out the Commissary is having a sale on Sierra Mist Free - an imitation Diet 7-Up or Sprite if you will. I've tried all 3 and can't tell the difference personally.

What I do know is that this shit is on sale for 39 cents a 2 liter. YES. THAT FUCKING CHEAP. Considering a 12 ounce can of soda costs 37 cents, this is a fucking steal!

So what did I do?



I bought 20 cases of the shit! Six bottles come to a case, so if you do the math, that's 120 bottles of pop. Four fucking months worth! A little over $48. That's pretty fucking cheap!

The Germans have a word for cheap fucking bastards like myself - Der Geizhalz. It's the first word I learned over here, thanks to Sabine. I swear, if she wasn't married I'd nail her 9 ways from Sunday. Eh whatever.

Now I can have those all-nighter video game sessions and not worry about running out of something to drink. Now if only they had a special on pizza.....

Like a Baby Carriage full of Porn

Okay.

In the words of the infamous Buzz Burbank from the Don & Mike Radio Show - "Like a Baby Carriage full of Porn" - I can't believe the Germans are this depraved. I mean holy shit - this is low even for me - sticking a goddamned sex shop next to a kid store.


Just. Plain. Wrong.


Eh. Oh well. At least if I ever have any kids I'll know where to go clothes shopping for elementary school as well as for junior high and high school. My kid will be a freak in the 8th grade. Not only will he get a sandwich in his lunch bag but also a choker and furry handcuffs.

A Mini-Machine.


Jeezus Fucking Christ, people.


Fuck me running.

The Spring Chicken

I have this piece of shit 1991 BMW, German specs. Well, almost. Juicy Girl is supposed to give me the title soon and then it will be all mine! When we actually get around to doing it will be anybody's guess but I've been driving it and keeping it running in the meantime.

I've given it the name "Spring Chicken" because it ain't.

I swear, this car is on its last fucking legs and would be considered a death-trap on wheels to most. But what the hell - it runs and there are no visible rust spots. Just a shitty faded maroon paint job.

When I first got this bitch it was missing the front grill section. Apparently it suffered a bird strike, taking out the trademark front end of the vehicle, and you could still see all sorts of pin feathers stuck to the car's intake. It's missing a front hub cap and the driver window is broken. One of the front lamps is out and the car reeks of gasoline. I was driving it Saturday and the handle for the sun roof falls off in my lap, just outta the blue. When I take it on the autobahn it starts shaking horribly at around 80-100 km like it's going to explode. Chances are it won't pass inspection if/when we take it to the place to change the title over!

Now as much as the Spring Chicken is a fucking eyesore and a liability, I FUCKING LOVE THIS CAR. I dunno why either. It's got a style all to itself. Granted I'll never pick up any chicks driving this rust-bucket or look cool like all the homies but it's definitely distinctive and right up my alley. Maybe I should do that sometime. Try to pull some bitches with this POS monster. It would be the ultimate tribute to loser guys everywhere. My ilk.

I took the car into Kaiserslautern this weekend to the Army Surplus store they have and it handled nicely all the way down. I bought a kick-ass Bundeswehr Gore-tex jacket and matching pants, and purposely left the doors unlocked to see if anyone would fuck with it. Not at all. It's naturally an anti-theft device of its own - like being born with a lifetime supply of fuck-repellent already sprayed on you. I bought a replacement grill for 20 Euro and popped the fucker right in and got an oil cap and a replacement bulb from the junkyard, only I think it's the fuse and not the bulb. Trying to figure out which fuse it is in German is fucking impossible. I think I'll do the Eeny-meeny-miney-moe technique and hope for the best.

I'll be sad but kind of relieved if I end up junking the Spring Chicken. This thing should be dead already in dog years and frankly dumping anymore real cash into its upkeep just isn't worth it, kinda like throwing Grandpa Simpson into the retirement home. Still, it's a mean ride and gets me where I need to go!

Punk Rock Documentary

Punk documentary delves into 'American Hardcore'

By Greg Prato
Sat Jan 7, 3:11 PM ET


NEW YORK (Billboard) - What is considered punk rock and hardcore nowadays has evolved considerably since the early '80s, a point proven by the new documentary, "American Hardcore: The History of American Punk Rock 1980-1986."

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The 90-minute feature, which premieres at the Sundance Film Festival later this month, boasts footage from numerous bands, including Minor Threat, Black Flag and Suicidal Tendencies.

The movie was put together by Paul Rachman (best known for directing videos for Alice In Chains, Temple Of The Dog and Pantera) and writer Steven Blush (who wrote the 2001 book "American Hardcore").

"There's this 'History of Rock'n'Roll' series -- one of them by the PBS, the other by the BBC," Blush tells Billboard.com. "I saw both, and they get to this point in history. They talk about the Sex Pistols and the Clash, they talk to Exene (Cervenka) and X ... and they go straight to Nirvana. It just kind of sent me on this journey to figure this out, and manifested itself five years later in the 'American Hardcore' book."

Blush and Rachman have known each other since the '80s, when they crossed paths as fans of the east coast punk/hardcore scene. "Steve was in D.C., I was in Boston," explains Rachman. "I knew who he was, and in New York we became more aware of each other. I moved back in 2000, ran into him on the street and he says, 'I'm finishing up this book, "American Hardcore."' It instantly clicked in my head -- this is a great film, and we're the guys to do this. In December 2001, shortly after his book was published, we went to Boston, and did a first set of interviews. We ended up doing 115 interviews and finding about 100 hours of rare stock footage and hundreds of photographs."

Rachman admits it was difficult to unearth this footage. "This is before even the VHS video revolution -- '80, '81, '82," he says. "It was really hard to find documentation -- particularly video documentation. If a kid was lucky enough to borrow his dad's VHS camcorder, he would go to a show, shoot a full day of shows and shoot everything on 'six-hour-mode.' And that's the master -- those are the tapes we found."

Highlights include rare live clips of Bad Brains (their first-ever Philadelphia performance, circa 1981), MDC and Negative Approach, as well as countless interviews. "I think the most interesting thing to me was to see what has happened to people," Blush points out. "When we go see Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, it's this mansion up in the hills in Malibu, and then on the other hand, you see how poor some of these people are, and how bitter some of these people are -- people who did not get their due."

Asked what he'd like viewers to get out of the film, Blush explains, "You see all these bands today and they act all hard and intense. (But) these guys were intense. These guys walked the walk and didn't brag about it. We screened this to very few people, but (in one audience) was an 18-year-old kid. At the end of it, he was like, 'Wow, kids my age are really going to be bummed out, because they're going to see they're not real compared to this stuff."'


-----------------------------------

I am glad that SOMEONE is finally putting together something to show what the whole punk rock scene was all about - while I'm an avid death metal head, I can appreciate The Ramones, The Clash, The Damned, PIL, Wendy O. Williams and Patty Smith for what they all had a hand in starting. Kids today just suck. Period. Bands like Fenix TX, Blink-182, Sum 41, and MxPx aren't punk. They think they are but they're too happy with their angst and self-deprecation and too whiney when they sing. Real punk rock was about not giving a shit. Henry Rollins and Glen Danzig are some of the few surviving pioneers of that era and sadly enough they've pursued other interests as they've seasoned and matured.

I hope that someone will do the same thing for the whole goth movement too - show kids today how the early 80's scene was and how wrong they have it now. I remember some fucktard thinking he was goth wearing an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt, his hair spiked and black lipstick. And if any of you remember the Cattygoths website, there was some dumbass that wore a Veggie-tales shirt and called himself Goth4Christ. No piercings, tatts, fetish wear or anything to set him remotely apart from his sheeple brethren.

Dave Wyndorf of Monster Magnet fame commented how the music scene is just so divided - there are no boundaries anymore. Corporate Execs willing to make a buck at any cost have kids so confused as to what's what. "It used to be you would offer the kid either a cookie or a lollipop for dessert and that's all they got. Now, it's the cookie, the lollipop, ice cream, a piece of cake or a candy bar. Kids want it all and nobody is saying 'no'". I can't agree more. Perhaps someone will do the same for the metal scene too.

Drunk Dials for 2006

So. Last night after watching Jarhead I decide to get a wild hare up my ass and make a few random drunk dials. Goddammit! I hate it when nobody is home!! Come on people! You fuckers live to serve me and your whole lives revolve around me! Get with the fucking program, goddammit! Eh. Who are we kidding. I'm lucky you fuckers read this blog as it is. Anycase, Megan (Bettyminx) was brave (or dumb enough) to give me her phone number and I called her after downing a couple shots of Jack and Coke. Gentleman Jack. Lemme tell yah - that shit goes down like velvet. Smooth. Fuck me running even. Go out and buy a bottle of this shit next time you wanna get tanked and you'll see what I mean. But whatever - I start talking to this chick thinking I'll probably get an earful of angry feminist rants from all the bullshit and jackass somantics I pull on her blog, but that wasn't the case. She was actually pretty sweet and way fucking cool. Myself - I was my typical snotty, loveable asshole self as always. Narcissistic and bitter like I am when sober, but slightly unleashed. I really wasn't paying attention but the conversation went something like this: Me: "Hello Megan, it's me, the Machine" Megan: "Yes, I know! So what's going on" Me: "Your ass is getting drunk dialed. What are you doing right now" Megan: "I'm buying some brass polish" Me: "Buying some brass polish, what for?" Megan: "So I can polish my brass teapot at home" Me: "Don't you mean so you can polish some chrome?" Megan: "(laughter) What do you mean?" Me: "You know exactly what I mean!" And other juvenile comments on my part. Blah blah blah - we talked about all sorts of stupid shit too - like what I'm doing in Germany, my Roth Ira and just how stupid people are in general and the fucked-up relationships they stay in too. Pre mid-life crisis drama horseshit. We talked for like an hour or something and by the time we finished I was ready to crash for the night. I can only guess she was bored the entire time - I'll let her comment. Somewhere in there I started spouting some jack-ass advice about karma and balance as well and how people just don't get it. I should've had more to drink I suppose, that way I wouldn't have been so philosophical. But that's the way it goes. You get the drunk dial you deserve. If you're cool with me on the phone then I try to be on my best behavior and make it somewhat entertaining. Otherwise I'll be a complete dick and play some Slayer in the phone reciever or some shit. So. Who's next?

Jarhead

My friend Zhombie (yes, spelled with an "h") and I went to see the movie Jarhead tonight at a German movie theater. It was pretty fucking cool - the movie theater. It was really clean and modern looking too - not like some shitty cinema you find in the States where the carpet has ground in dirt and the seats are decrepit. Jarhead itself is a fucking riot of a movie. The guy who wrote the book it was based on was not afraid to portray the military like it really is - and that's the reason why the Marines are so pissed with the film. Aside from a few tired jokes that only the military has heard time and again, most the material is fresh and not the typical horseshit you see where some hero like Rambo kills 50 bad guys without ever reloading once, or some boring diatribe like Saving Private Ryan. It shows people who freak out in a combat zone, people who don't have the first clue when it comes to leadership or authority, and people who are more-or-less learning the ropes and developing into young men. In short - people being people. Oh well. Boo fucking hoo. I have alot of respect for Marines. They're tough sons-of-bitches that take no shit from anyone. Every enemy that has ever faced America in combat has had the unfortunate experience of pissing off a Marine, and as a result they've been wiped off the map. Marines don't die - they just go to Hell and regroup! I figure they can take a little less-than-glamorous limelight as the case may be. After all their track record speaks for itself, and if it's one thing I can't stand is someone or a group of people who can't admit to their own faults or shortcomings. The film sheds light on the bureaucracy of the military at certain points and perhaps has been beefed up for Hollywood's sake but overall it's nothing that I would consider as being "controversial" or "disrespectful". In the end, it is just one person's account of being in the military, just as there are different accounts of Jesus and the 12 disciples in the New Testament - take it for what you will. If you don't like it, then that's fine, but I was laughing my ass off throughout the film. They even did the urban legend of the dude whose chick was fucking the neighbor and sent him the video tape. Fucking priceless. Go out and see this film as soon as you get a chance.

King Kong

I saw that stupid movie King Kong tonight.

Fuck Peter Jackson for making such a stupid film.

Jack Black rocked (as always) and saved the movie from being an otherwise waste of time and effort.

And the whole thing with Skull Island was giving me H.P. Lovecraft flashbacks at first, which was way fucking cool too.

But then the movie sucked when the dumb blonde starts doing monkeyshines with King Kong. The giant ape shoulda smashed her with his fist or flung her like poo or something. The final insult was when she started to develop feelings for the fucking creature.

Total gayness.

I suppose the headhunters were cool. They reminded me of some fucking Juvats or some shit. Whatever. But even then the ship crew shoulda executed those fuckers Bosnian style for killing their people and stealing their woman. God bless the Chicago typewriter.

If you've seen the original 1930's movie or the 1977 remake, save your money and don't waste it on this waste of film. Peter Jackson rocked with the Lord of the Rings trilogy but stuck a giant banana up his ass on this one.

I was hoping he would've at least had Mario from Donkey Kong make a cameo appearance or something. No dice.

A shitty New Year for some

Feces in 2 mailboxes stain 140 New Year cards FUNABASHI, Chiba -- Human feces have been found in two mailboxes, staining more than 140 New Year cards, police said. A woman found a mailbox stained in Funabashi at about 5:40 a.m. on Thursday and alerted the Funabashi-Higashi Police Station. Officers then discovered that human excrement had been placed in the mailbox and another one some 800 meters away. They are investigating the case. A total of 147 New Year cards inside the two letter boxes had been stained with feces, police said. Funabashi-Higashi Post Office plans to return the cards to the senders after cleaning them and will also give the senders fresh New Year cards and towels as an apology. (Mainichi) Click here for the original Japanese story Over 400 mail items burned in postbox January 5, 2006 Gotta love those wacky Japanese. Man I really miss Japan!

They all come crawling back

If you were paying attention to the horseshit that went on in the early part of 2005 with me and a love-interest then this story takes an interesting (yet predictable) turn. Or if you're too bored or lazy to go search the archives, I'll paraphrase the following: I know this hot chick from work who cries on my shoulder every time she gets fucked and dropped like a hot potato, yet views me like fresh dog shit on her new Nikes. Now me being somewhat older and seasoned in these things I try to provide guidance while working the angle, only it falls drastically short. Alot of drama ensues and in the end I tell her to go fuck herself and to quit wasting my time. Fast-forward 8 months to this past Thursday - I get an e-mail from her outta the blue - crying her fucking eyes out yet again. Read on: "Machine, I just wanted to apologize and say I am sorry for everything. I hate that we left on bad terms. So how are you doing? Have you taken care of your unfinished business yet? I miss our conversations. You were right when you said I wouldn’t have someone like you at xxxxxxxxx. I have went through a lot since I have been here. I am going back home to finish up college. I am probably going to live with my brother rent free. I don’t want to go back, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to reach your goals. Plus this is the best economical choice. I am still single of course. I had a big ordeal with this 31 year old guy from back home. He actually came out here and saw me. We lasted till the beginning of October. I have decided to not date for the next calendar year. I am sick of it!! So how is your love life? Well I miss ya and write me back please. Happy New Year, Princess Dumb-Ass" Now I've changed a few things around and have cut out some very minor details but the intent remains the same. In the end, all you bitches that fucking rage and then regret all come crawling back to me with some bullshit sob-story about how much you miss me and what a great guy I apparently am, now that I'm no longer around you. Nevermind the fact you acted like a complete and total maniac, minus the (fresh) razor blade scars down your wrists, and talked shit behind my back or at the very least when I was out of ear shot to all your bitchy girlfriends on how much of a total loser I am and why they shouldn't fuck me. Had you grown a pair of tits and behaved like a real woman, you would've been outspoken at the very least to my face where I could perhaps benefit from harsh, yet constructive criticism. You're not gonna hurt my feelings and it wouldn't be the first time either someone was brutally honest. You're talking to a fucking heavy-weight boxer when it comes to dishing out the truth - a fucking juggernaut of monolithic proportions. A shotgun blast at point blank range. I can't help but to draw parallels between some 31 year old asshole she ended up banging and myself and how knowing her she probably did so out of some guilt-trip or something. Trying to recapture a lost opportunity? Who knows. But I will say that if I got paid every time I recieved one of these fucking sob-story e-mails or phone calls or whatever, I'd be a rich man ten times over. Just about every woman who has ever gotten to know me has done what I've just mentioned. At this point in the game, it's predictable yet sad even since I can't seem to score any trim off these angry beavers until they've left for good. At least let me fuck you first before you decide to dump all your baggage and hang-ups on me. That way it will be worth the emotional bankruptcy on my part. Eh. Anycase, my reply to Princess Dumb-Ass was simply two words: DROP DEAD I have yet to recieve a reply.

Silvester, Neujahrestag und der Hasse

The Germans are definitely some interesting people. New Year's Eve over here is know officially as Silvester instead of something more common like Neujahrenacht and New Year's Day is known as Neujahrestag. Pretty simple stuff I suppose. Well, the Germans like to break out the fireworks and celebrate the new year in addition to getting drunk, puking their guts out, and waking up in strange places just like the rest of us. My only question is who wants to FREEZE THEIR ASSES OFF just to watch some sparklers and Roman candles go off? Not me. I'd rather be inside where it's warm DRINKING MY ALCOHOL and not having some Screaming Mimi go off in my face prematurely! The assholes in my neighborhood were up all night shooting off fireworks - I swear I thought there was an EOD team out there or something with all the explosions going off, and even into the next day too. I guess they wanted to get rid of some left-overs so then they didn't have them kicking around all year. Eh. Whatever. If they really wanna have some balls and start the new year off with a bang they would've used some gasoline too. Eh. Whatever. Now after everyone was nursing their hang-overs on New Year's Day, I decided to go out for a drive. The roads were clear of any traffic whatsoever and since I kept my alcoholic insanity to a minimum I woke up like nothing happened. Going through the KMC area I saw a couple of signs that some disgruntled locals had posted up, essentially telling us to pack our shit and leave. I took photos of them, so here they are: Apparently the locals are pissed about all the extra jet noise they've inherited now that Rhein-Mein Air Base has closed indefinitely and they put the blame squarely on us. What they don't mention is the fact that their MAYOR authorized us the airspace months ago despite their protests and he's the asshole they should be sore at, not us. I'm starting to learn that Europeans are no different than Americans in the sense they'll bitch and fuss at the wrong people for the choices their politicians make and fail to remember these problems come election time. Eh. If these fuckers want us out then they need to let their newly-elected Chancellor Merkel know about this so we can pack our bags and go home, but last I checked their economy is in the shitter and the jobs we've provided them have helped off-set alot of that. Hmmm. Considering all the hell they were raising the other night with the fucking fireworks I can't help but to call these assholes a bunch of hypocrites so until these goddamned cry-babies come up with a solution they can post all the anti-American sentiment they want. We'll just continue to provide them with a paycheck and ignore them. Money talks, motherfuckers.