Fuck Gasanstalt

Ich hasse die Gasanstalt. Heute morgen ich habe die heiss wasser nicht. Ich habe ein duche gewollen aber mit kalt wasser nicht. What the fuck. Die Gasanstalt is a German heating company which supplies heat to the homes in this region of Germany. They've been doing alot of work in the village I live in, or so they claim, that they are working on water lines and have to turn them off. This means that my boiler gets fucked up since there is no water to cycle through and takes a while for it to kick back in. Usually the problem corrects itself and all is well, but there have been a time or two where it hasn't and I've raised some hell with my landlord. Today was another one of those days. My landlord is cool as hell too - him and his family have been the greatest so I never unload the mountain of vile and filth that comes spewing from the volcano I call my mouth whenever I get pissed off. I am respectful and very very courteous to them. They get the Machine they deserve. I told them how I've been getting these notices in my mailbox and how things work out usually but today he actually looked at the boiler with the instruction manual. He fucked around with the buttons and the dials and what not but couldn't find anything wrong whatsoever. "Of course not" I mused - "Gasanstalt fucked up - I'm not getting ANY heat whatsoever!". He still decided to call a repairman to come look at the thing tomorrow while I am at work. He tried today but the Europeans in all their infinite fucking wisdom, have decided that 24 hour service or on-call service asking just too much from them. The shit I tolerate. These fuckers really pissed me off - this morning I had cold fucking water and couldn't take a shower like I wanted. I just brushed my teeth and shaved and got dressed before going to work. All day I was smelling ripe and my nutsack had frumunda cheese growing on it. I was planning on hopping in the shower today after work, only the water is still fucking cold. I could understand this shit if I was in some shit hole country like Africa or Korea where it's still abysmally Third World despite the technological improvements they've experienced. But not some nation that prides itself as being "highly cultured" and the pinnacle of efficiency. So after I finish writing this shit stain of a blog, I will pack my shit, go back to base, and take a shower before going to bed tonight and furiously masturbating and then falling asleep. Fuck Gasanstalt for the shitty fucking service they've provided me despite my paying the utility bills on time. I hope that repairman comes tomorrow and says "Yep, nothing wrong with the boiler - it's the gas line" so I can raise hell with this pathetic excuse of a company. Fucking assholes.

The Wet Blanket

I tell yah what. When I know my shit, I fucking know my shit. I'm not a genius by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I have a photographic memory. I am what most people refer to as a "late bloomer" but when everything falls into place, it's fucking fantastic. And when I'm right - I'm fucking right. Today I had to brief a bunch of colonels on some shit our shop is doing and because I work the section they're talking about, one of my superiors decides that it would be good to get some "face time" with the big boys. I'll refer to him as "Andy Griffith" or simply "Andy" since he reminds me of that lanky dork from that godawful 1950's show - all dopey and conservative and shit. I go into the briefing room, the slides I am using have been through the usual rigormorale of being checked for accuracy, punctuation, etc etc, and I begin my brief. Now most briefings are boring as Hell and put people to sleep. The last briefing I attended my commander was falling asleep right next to me when the briefer was dragging on forever about some pointless bullshit. Every time I see this, I figure I'll do the EXACT OPPOSITE and put some energy into what I'm talking about. Okay. For security reasons I can't go into exact details but I will say that I was the equivalent to 10 year old souped up on Red Bull when doing my presentation. People woke up and were wondering who in the Hell this dude from the trenches was getting all excited about. Okay - perhaps a neglected Jack Russell Terrier on Red Bull is more like it. Anycase I start to crack a few jokes - gallows humor primarily - and the whole place starts laughing and cracking up. I say what I need to say and then get the Hell outta there to go back to my daily grind. Once the briefing is over, Andy comes up to me and tells me that I was long-winded and digressed and how I should just stick to the topic and nothing more. Now mind you, this guy is notorious for bugging the shit outta me with inane taskers, and is a time stealer with the nonsensical bullshit he wants to talk to me about, rambling on and getting lost in thought while mid-sentence, yet has the fucking nerve to tell me that I need to work on my briefing skills. The colonels were laughing right along with everyone else, and the way I see it if they had any issues then I would've been cut short and told to leave. I suppose what it boiled down to was that I got my point across and made everyone else look like ass-hats by being boring and formulated, and for some knuckle-dragger like me to steal the show makes these educated retards like Andy seem ineffective. Hey - when I shine, I fucking shine brighter than the rest. Every place I've been has that one person who is always the wet blanket in the bunch. It doesn't matter who. They're never content with letting their people just "be" and have to try controlling you through indoctrination. Without a doubt, Andy is the wet blanket of my section. He was jealous and wanted to steal my fucking fire today but couldn't do a damn thing about it since the big boys gave me the proverbial "thumbs up" and got the "okay" once I was done. Come to think of it..."Wet Blanket" is better than "Andy" so if I ever write about this Norman Rockwell throw-back again then for future reference I'll refer to him as such. I swear Wet Blanket and Wonder Woman are in league with eachother.

Shop Talk

I hate it when people talk shop outside of work. They sound like such fucking morons. Today I'm going to the Commissary after work to get some soda when I over hear these two ass-bags talking about some stupid bullshit regulation. I go inside, wade past the 500 pounds dependant wives and their goddamned screaming brats to get what I'm looking for, go to the check out line, pay the cashier only to find the same two fuck-wits still standing around talking bullshit shop talk. People who do this have no life outside of the military or their job. They think the company answer is the only answer and have to push their bullshit mentality on other people. Instead of talking about anything remotely interesting (read: controversial) they stay tucked away in their bullshit safety zones where they can pretend to be a big shot and feel all important and shit. Well here's news for all you cunt-flaps that think you're so important that your office will fall apart without you: YOU'RE NOT IMPORTANT. YOU SOUND LIKE A DOUCHE. KNOCK THE SHIT OFF. UNLESS YOU'RE A ROCK STAR OR A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE YOUR ASS CAN EASILY BE REPLACED AND SOMEDAY WILL. GET A LIFE OUTSIDE THE MILITARY. Considering that the military has become nothing more than a feel good socializer for Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts out there it doesn't surprise me one bit we have these clones running around. When I get out of the service I will have nothing to do with these ass-bags and will stay far away from retirees and all the other dick-holes that sold their soul for the company answer for so long.

A picture is worth a thousand words....or less

Usually a picture is worth a thousand words, but less is more in this case. Right on.

Work

I had to work yesterday and will be going in again today - to do some bullshit. Right now I am literally a one-man shop and the way how this upcoming week is going to unfold, it is better for me to take care of shit in advance than to drag my heels and have my thumb up my ass. I suppose that's the down side to being proactive - you tend to be compulsive about shit. My commander wants me to brief some big wigs because I've been Johnny-on-the-Spot with shit and it has made a good impression. Fuck. Truth of the matter is I am perfectly content to sit at home on the weekends, do some house cleaning and fuck off and play video games. I want to go out with people and get drunk but having to work the next day it's not happening. Everyone is convinced I am going to make rank this cycle because of all the shit I do - but is it really worth it? It will only mean that I will have more weekends like this and that's not what I'm all about - I'm all about BALANCE between work and play. Too much of one thing is bad but since the military has been cut every which way with personnel and budget spending, you have one person doing the job of five now. The other day my supervisor and I got into a conversation - I was getting a mid-term feedback and in a nutshell she was very pleased with the job I've been doing. She did bring up that someone called me "chauvanistic" over a comment I made in jest last year, but decided to bring it up out of the blue the other week. I think it was probably Barbie since she's gone now and most likely wanted to try burning me as a parting gift but who cares - it's like the pot calling the kettle black - I had to deal with more angry Femin-nazi bullshit from her and other females I've worked with in the military over a longer period of time so if she really wants to make a mountain out of a molehill, I'll go toe to fucking toe. What pisses me off is the fact she didn't have the tits to be a woman about it and confront me directly. Eh - who cares. She's gone and I no longer have to deal with her angst. I am going to be a one-man shop essentially until mid-June when I get some new window licker in from school. This kid is gonna be wet behind the ears and I'll have to teach him everything I know. I'll even go so far as to shove the regulations up his ass if need be, just to make sure he doesn't turn out becoming another fuck-up like so many of my co-workers.

Welcome to the Shaft

So. How many of you window lickers out there have seen the movie "Jarhead"? It's pretty funny since it portrays the side of the Marine Corps that isn't the poster-boy bullshit you see on the recruiting commercials or those goddamned annoying Toys for Tots charity runs they do during the Christmas season. The title on the Jarhead movie poster says "Welcome to the Suck". Well, the title for this place should be "Welcome to the Shaft" and if any of you goddamned fart sniffers out there have been paying attention to this blog, I've got yet another reason to add to this place - yes, more tales of mismanagement by Wonder Woman. Fucking Christ kids. It's all I ask for - some competence. You don't have to be a fucking genius by any stretch of the imagination but at the very least know what the fuck you're doing. And if you don't know, THEN ASK. Is that so difficult? I do it all the time when I don't know the answer to something - there is no shame in admitting you need to learn - Life is a continual learning process so don't let your fucking pride get in the way or your fucking incompetence. Do the right thing you ass-fuck. Anycase we had just about everyone and their brother out of the office today because people approved their leave requests and didn't project the manpower for all the shit that's been popping up. It's one thing to have some random hair-on-fire bullshit tasking drop down out of nowhere, and it's another thing to KNOW that this is going to be a busy month for us all AND STILL cut us off at the knees. Wonder Woman did exactly that when she approved the leave schedule for the next 2 months. Out of the blue, DORK and I have to pull the workload of 5 people. While I won't get too detailed as to what it involved (I don't want any of you fuckers putting 2 + 2 together and figuring out where it is I work exactly) I will say that without us doing our part, planes don't fly. Period. The people normally responsible for ensuring this happening were out fucking off, with 1 finger up their nose and their thumb up their ass. When Wonder Woman asked me today to cover the shop with Dork, I just looked at her and said "I've already got a full schedule this week" and walked off. I'm still pissed at her for fucking me over with the stand-by schedule. And sure enough, she left Dork all alone by himself to do the brunt of the work. I went out and took care of my business first and then when I was done I returned and helped him out. We fucking tag-teamed the shit and got the job done. If it's one thing I've learned about the military, leadership will ask you to take up the slack in a heartbeat at the expense of fulfilling your responsibilities and then wonder why it is you're running behind on something and get pissed. Fucking cause and effect. Every time Wonder Woman pulls this shit it makes me wanna hide in the janitor's closet with my Game Boy and my MP3 player. There's a lock on the door and nobody ever thinks about looking in there. I can hide out there every time some bullshit like this happens, using the excuse that I need to do a "Safety Check" of the installation. Dork seems to be a pretty good guy and I hate to see him getting fucked over like this, however if he isn't smart enough to get out of the bullshit then he gets what he deserves. I can only wonder what he thinks of all of this.

Mid-Term

I gotta mid-term tomorrow so that means I'm gonna do a good review tonight. The Short Bus is taking a pit stop until then. Oh yeah. And there's this semi-deaf chick I wanna bang. It wouldn't be the first time I did a hottie with a hearing impairment. Heh.

The Kung Fu Chicken

Megan aka Meganopheles and I were talking last night on the phone about random bullshit. Everything from getting your dick sucked in a port-a-potty Everything about failed relationships we've experienced to the Easter Bunny and the Passover Chicken and what the fuck the Germans do during this time of the year. Last year when I started this blog, I was in Korea and had too much time on my hands. Like the proverbial inmate awaiting his parole, my mind wandered and I wrote all sorts of shit about Easter and the Easter Bunny and the goddamned Passover Chicken. If you wanna read it, go click the link to the right where it says "Archives" and find it. I'm too lazy to dig it up and link it for yah myself. Besides you need to read all the other shit I've posted here previously. Well, back to Megan - I pose a question on My(waste of)Space if the Easter Bunny and the Passover Chicken were to rochambeau for passing out eggs this year, who would win? Well....she answered a question with a question today by asking "What about the Kung Fu Chicken"? Ah so - good question - originally when I was living in the US, I had some idiot coworker use the phrase all the time when he was telling someone to chill out and it stuck with me somehow. Needless to say, I can't shake it so I suppose it deserves a story of its own. The Kung Fu Chicken comes out during the Chinese New Year and gives all the Chinese kids egg rolls instead of Easter eggs or Matzoh balls. After all, Jesus and the Jews are not historically or officially recognized by the People's Republic of China, however SARS, human rights violations and Jackie Chan movies are. Put them all together and -BAM- you have the Kung Fu Chicken. So, like the pied piper he then leads them to a sweat shop where they have to work 18 hours a day making holiday presents for Santa Claus, Hannukah Harry, and all the other corporate holiday crime bosses out there. Everything from knock-off Pokemon toys to cheap ass jewelry gets pumped out in time for the other holiday seasons to keep boys and girls everywhre satiated. What. Did you really think it was those goddamned Keebler elves up at the North Pole doing all that work? Fuck no! Ever since they went Union, Santa has had a bitch of a time negotiating a contract and like Wal-Mart, has had to hire illegal workers to keep production costs down! It's the mastermind scheme of the KUNG FU CHICKEN. So, every time you go to a Chinese restaurant, be thankful for all the cheap-ass shit you've got at home that says "Made in China" and make sure to tip really good. Chances are the cooks and staff were employed once by the Kung Fu Chicken and still have to pay a percentage to one of his flunkies or else they get their kneecaps broken. And that's the story of the Kung Fu Chicken. At least until I can think of something better.

End of the Week Random Shit

Goddammit. It seems all this week some asshole has decided to drop shit in my lap like 30 minutes to closing time. Mother fucker. Can't you tell me you need this shit done earlier in the day? Jeezus Fucking Christ! What the fuck is your problem dick-cheese? It doesn't matter who it is - either a friend or a co-worker or someone in supervision. I have one foot out the door and they wanna talk shop over something that isn't urgent or has a drop-dead suspense of tomorrow morning. I'm usually Johnny-on-the-Spot with shit and make sure my projects and deadlines are met on time. If for some reason there's something I've fucked up or need an extension on, I'm not one to wait until the last fucking minute to spring a surprise on people with. This is the end of the week for us. The Germans celebrate Good Friday and we get the benefit of having a down-day. From what I understand EVERYTHING is closed and the roads are hellacious - I made sure to stock up on munchies and brew and will play it cool this weekend. The Deutsch also get the Monday after Easter off as well - my German teacher was explaining this to me as well - what the significance is I really don't understand but it means alot to them. All I know is that my heathen ass doesn't get the day off either. Fuck. I'd love to have 4 days off to fuck around with. It turns out that some asshole vandalized the SPRING CHICKEN the other night. Fucking piss me off too! DORK came into work yesterday and showed everyone where some punk-ass bitch took silver spray paint and wrote "FUCK OFF" across the passenger side window and part of the windshield. He had to drive it to work yesterday and the gate guards looked at him funny. During lunch he got some paint thinner and wiped it all off good so all you see now is just a residual paint base. A shame too since I wanted to take a picture of it and post it here on the blog. Anycase it turns out he's going to set up a stake-out tonight to see if these little bitches will return to the scene of the crime and gloat. Fuckers. If I were him, I'd be waiting with a baseball bat while sipping Red Bull. I saw some fat dude today in the BX parking lot that looked like a 5 month ugly pregnant woman from a distance. Upon closer examination, I discovered he wasn't a woman and wasn't pregnant. People like this dude make the military look horrible, on top of everything else we do. Speaking of which..... I went to the local Volkswagen dealer today to get new tires for my car. Since the blow-out on Monday I've been meaning to do it sooner, only with school and the daily bullshit I have going on, today was the first time I could. Once again, the Europeans take the cake for customer service and I say this sarcastically - I had to special order 4 all-weather tires that will come in next Tuesday but I will not be able to get them mounted until the following week since that was the earliest opening they had. Summer tires were cheaper but that would mean I would also have to change them out for winter tires when the seasons changed. Essentially I would be paying twice the amount for two sets when the all-weather are cheaper in the long run. I didn't even bother trying with AAFES since I hate the monopoly they've built and refuse to give them money on any big item needs. I'd rather pay the Euro cost even if it's $100 or more for the principle that those parasites won't get my cash. While I expect shitty customer service and impossible waiting times from the Europeans, there is simply no excuse for an American company to behave the same way. Tonight is a full moon. You know what's gonna happen if you've read last night's blog entry. Anycase my mid-term is Wednesday and I need to focus this weekend on studying. I might make a drunk dial or two. Who knows. And who really cares? Side note: I forgot to mention I had the wonderful experience of dealing with a trailer park mom and her obnoxious 3 year old today. She gave him some Easter candy and the little shit became rambunctious from the sugar high and then wouldn't discipline him the entire time I spoke to her. I swear. People do this shit deliberately - they let their kids bounce off the walls and then expect others to deal with it and then they wonder why it is I have no children of my own when they ask. Like I really wanna deal with that crap! Anycase the icing on the cake was that she had a tongue ring, a shit load of piercings on both ears, and was 3 months pregnant. She looked so slutty it was turning me on and I had half the mind to ask her for a beej. The trashier the better I say! Bwa ha ha!

Blow-out on the A6

Tonight as I am coming home from German class, I decide to take a different route than my normal course. Usually I take the A6 to Trier and then swing off to the A8 and then I am homeward bound. This time I decided to take a different exit right by the air base since I didn't feel like dealing with all the bullshit on the Autobahn. It had been raining and I hate getting wedged in between the trucks when I am trying to pass them. So, I take the exit and no sooner do I slow down to take the off-ramp, than the front tire on the car blows out. I have no idea this happened since I didn't feel anything until I got to the stop light. Once I made it there, I turned off the road to change my tire. Now one thing I've learned about European cars is that they have some pretty fucked up carjacks that come with the spare tire. I pulled everything out of the trunk and started to hoist up my car with the jack, or believing that's what I was doing until I realized I had the damn thing on the wrong way. So I tried again. No luck. What the fuck is going through these fuckers' minds when they design this shit at the factory? Around the same time these two hotties come by and ask me if I want help changing the tire. Yes. They're both American and they're both of legal consent. FUCKING. ROCK. Of course me never turning down attention from two gorgeous pieces of ass, naturally invited them to help out. Between the 3 of us we started making small talk, with everything from how long I had been in Germany to what they did on base and all that. Before I know it, this one chick has the tire pretty much off the car and has the new tire back on in no time flat. I just provide the muscle to get the bolts tightened and they even go so far as to put the flat tire in my trunk. Fucking awesome! You couldn't get better service from the dealership if you asked! Glad to see they did all the work, I tried chatting them up for a few drinks. Unfortunately they both turned me down, but given the circumstance I wasn't about to push my luck by being a dick about it. They both piled in their car and drove off. Of course some of you are looking for a cosmic connection in all of this but I've always been fortunate in that sense - whenever I've been stuck in a shitty situation, someone comes from out of nowhere and helps me just like that. I just accept it for what it is and move on. I ended up going around the corner to the gas station to put air into the spare tire - it was fucking low. Some smelly kraut who spoke absolutely NO ENGLISH filled the air in my tires while he was trying to take care of his auto. In my broken German I told him how I needed help and he was more than happy to oblige. Before I know it, I'm good to go and thank the dude by shaking his hand. I make it back home in time for dinner without missing a beat. I just chalk it up to one of those nights where shit happened, but it pleasantly happened. Too bad it wasn't a blowjob on the A6. Now THAT would've made my night.

Full Circle

Okay. If you've been paying any amount of attention to the bullshit and jack-assy hi-jinks that I've been spouting here at BlackRustedVan, you'll notice how last week there was a bunch of crap regarding my having to pull stand-by for yet another holiday weekend - the 4th of July. I worked the issue up my chain of command and pretty much left it at the level of my captain since I figure I would give the system a chance to fail. Well, it didn't. It compromised. Turns out today my commander decides to come talk to ME (which usually doesn't happen) about last week's power scuffle and cut to the chase. She told me how she basically beat the answer outta someone (who she didn't specify) and told me my concern was perfectly legit and that she was going to talk to all parties involved. Holy shit! BUT, she told me that she would still keep me on schedule as a means of meeting both parties (me versus them) half-way. She did promise that in the future this bullshit wouldn't happen again and that it would be paid more closer to. So this is where the other shoe drops - because usually alot of people just bitch and moan how fucking retarded everything is, she was impressed that I played my cards right and that I had my paperwork all lined up. She did say that next time I should go so far as to volunteer to revamp the schedule, that way it will appear more like I am bringing a solution to the problem instead of telling some inept superintendent to fix their own mistake. I guess that's the political side of the job. She told me that while yes it is manipulating people to do what you want, that it's not coming off as doing that. She was totally fucking blunt with me and I fucking loved it! So I suppose that with this thing at a head and leadership (once again) being exposed for what they truly are, I've carved a name out again for being a trouble-maker despite the fact my commander said otherwise. I really have no worries considering Wonder Woman has fucked up so horribly these past 12 months she's looking to cross-train into another job all together. While I don't claim to be a leader of men, I do claim to take care of my subordinates providing they do right by me. I will always go up to bat for good people even if they're in the wrong and they've spilled their fucking guts to me about EVERYTHING. I will own up to my mistakes and do what's necessary to correct them - a concept it seems the military has difficulty with at times. I think people have more respect for that instead of some snake-in-the-grass motherfucker that will piss on their back and tell them it's raining outside. Anycase I confided in my commander that her and my immediate supervisor were the only two people I respect in the chain of command - it shocked the shit outta her to hear something so bold being delivered so bluntly but she knows that's just how I am. I am low enough on the food chain to where I can make statements like that and not do any real damage to people's egos and shit. Besides all those other assholes were out of ear shot and I figured if my commander was going to be on the level with me, she deserves the honest truth from The Machine and to sugar-coat it would be an insult. She took in what I had to say and then pressed on. Working with people like her in leadership really inspire me to do better on the job. A simple concept but very effective. So, in the end I didn't win but I didn't exactly lose either. What does matter is that I stood my ground and I gained respect for it by top leadership. I refuse to back down but also know when not to push my luck either. Most importantly I believe that I can address issues again in the future if they arise and it will eventually get to the top regardless. I just need to keep my nose clean and not shit where I eat or live.

Lacuna Coil

Well no kittens drowned nor did the Baby Jesus get an ass-beating. I was about to burn down the fucking Smurf village due to all this goddamned shitty music that I've purchased (talk about bait and switch) but at the last minute a saving grace came at the 11th hour: LACUNA COIL - KARMA CODE. Let's face it. Christina Scabbia, the lead singer is hot. For an Italian chick she's damn smoking (next to Lucia Ciaferlli of KMFDM and porn star Aria Giovanni of course). I picked up Lacuna Coil's album Comalies back in 2002 time frame and was instantly hooked. Of course they were practically unnoticed at the time since those goddamned retards Evanescence were getting their 15 minutes of shame. They had commandered the airwaves, television and magazines while bands with REAL TALENT like Lacuna Coil were still to be discovered by the mainstream. Then, out of the blue - about a year later - Comalies started to get the attention it deserved. Both Metal Edge and Revolver Magazine started to plug them and people in the metal scene were becoming familiar with their music. It was cool that they were getting the publicity they deserve but yet they weren't getting overplayed on Top 40 radio like every other band seems to have happen when the corporate exec assholes push their agenda on us, the listeners. For once a band with real artistic qualities was getting noticed and it was on their own terms. Listen kids, I'm relatively low-maintenance (pay attention ladies) - just gimme my music fix and you can pave the Garden State Parkway toll bridge over my house and I could care less, but cut my music supply off or gimme shitty albums from (once) great bands and I'm going on a rampage. I highly recommend you pick up this CD. You will love every minute of it, I guarantee you. You can listen to this at work, in the car, or at home with your goddamned kids raising hell because it's one of those take-anywhere kinda albums. Ultimately you want to fuck to tracks 6 and 7 since they lead into one another. Just throw in some kinky sex for good measure and you're in like Flynn. The DIMMU BORGIR CD I listened to last night was awesome too, but it pales in comparison to this album. I think the next chick I bang will get a double-dose of both. Heh.

Saint Masturbation

Jerking off.

Spanking the monkey.

Burping the worm.

Choking the chicken.

Rapid one-arm pull ups.

We all do it. Hell, I am starting to think that with as much jerking off that I've done in my life, it's actually been a lifesaver of sorts.

The way I see it, if I scratched every time I had an itch, I would be chasing pussy down left and right and ultimately I would either (a) get an STD or (b) have a shotgun wedding. I'd have some stupid kid running around and an angry bitch of a wife making my life miserable. By sticking to porn and a box of Kleenex, I've taken the high road in the long run. No child support payments or alimony bullshit. An open paycheck for Roth IRA, Savings, and video games.

Funny that the Catholic Church and even perhaps some of the Protestant religions frown on beating your meat. The way I see it, it's the perfect birth-control next to having a chick give you a beej, or her letting you fuck her up the ass. Would the Church deal with a run-away population explosion on their hands or a smarter crowd? Wait - I already know that answer - IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

I owe alot to masturbation and my imagination - it's gotten me through the roughest of times in Korea and other shit holes I've been stuck in where the male to female ratio has been 50 to one or less. It's prevented me from becoming a complete maniac wanting to hump anything with a pair of legs too.

So, if I ever decide to reclaim my Catholic faith (ha ha yeah right), I want to be recognized as MACHINE, the Patron Saint of Masturbation. My statue will include a box of tissues, a copy of Hustler Magazine and my holiday will be revered as the other Palm Sunday. Bachelors and miserable husbands who can't get any pussy from their wives can pray at my shrine for guidance and deliverance - the advice will always be the same - "Visit a Prostitute" I'd say from beyond the grave. If I really wanted to ham it up, I could say it in a Mel Brooks, New York Jew kinda voice.

So, all the Catholics out there who read this blog (that means YOU CrazyGirl), talk to the priest next time you go to Mass and tell him you have someone in mind for a new saint. If he can pull himself away from the Altar Boy for a moment he just might listen.

Another Shitty New Album

Goddammit. I must have shitty luck or something. So far this is the second CD that I have purchased within 7 calendar days that just plain SUCKS. Kinda like that retarded Rob Zombie CD, the new Rammstein CD RosenRot is way mellow with the exception of one or two songs. What the fuck people? Is 2006 the year of the wuss band? I mean we have 2 fucking HARDCORE artists crank out medicore CRAP. Are they doing this to piss off their label and thereby fulfill their obligations earlier or do they just don't care about what they're cranking out anymore? I have one more CD that I have yet to listen to, that I purchased today. It is a re-release of an earlier album but has been remastered or whatever. So help me I will drown a kitten after smashing its head in with a mallet if this one blows too.

The Machine Challenge

Listening to the George Carlin CD the other day, it got me thinking about something.

George starts ranting how we've fucked up the American continent by turning it into a giant shopping mall. He continues to blow steam off for about 5 minutes on this topic, how we fucked over the Indians and the Mexicans when we stole America from them and look what we turned it into.

Well boo-fucking-hoo.

I happen to like America the way it is (minus the bullshit politics) and every time I go back to the States, it's a real treat for me to go to a super market, a mall, or a convenience store. What most Americans fail to realize is is HOW GOOD they have it. Instead they whine about everything they take for granted with sarcasm and irreverence.

So listen - all you disillusioned college kids who have never had to work a day in your life - quit spouting Marxist bullshit ideology and take the Machine Challenge. I challenge all you douche-bags out there to spend at least 1 calendar year in some shit hole Third World nation and see how you end up liking it. The nation can be yours of your choosing but highly recommend Saudi Arabia, South Korea, or the entire continent of Africa. If you're pressed for cash, go stay in Mexico. Tijuana is just a hop, skip and a jump from San Diego. While you have "modern" appliances, the fact you're still forced to live in such a shit hole of an environment counts just as good.

Move to some shitty village where you speak very little of the language. Start from square one on this. Learn how to communicate with the locals the old fashioned way - don't demand they speak English. Live in a one bedroom apartment or hutch and figure out how to get around without help or assistance. When you do come to a merchant, see what the quality of the products they sell are. Chances are it's some knock-off or something they managed to pull from the bottom of the barrel. See how long whatever it is you buy lasts, and then how quickly it is you have to replace it. No money-back guarantees, no rebates or exchanges.

Not only that but go without the fast food and trendy restaurants you criticize but yet you secretly eat at. No Burger King, no In-n-Out Burger, no McDonald's or Jack-in-the-Box. You're stuck with whatever local restaurant there is and the health standards are questionable. No Applebee's, TGI Friday's or any of that gay shit you trendy fuckers like to go eat at.

No convenience stores. If you want a Slurpee next time you get gas at the gas station it's not happening. No American products whatsoever. You're stuck choosing between the dried squid roll-up or the pine needle candy for a snack. If it's late and you're hungry and you forgot to get something to eat that day, you're fucked.

I guarantee you that by the end of your 1 year remote in whatever god-forsaken country you choose, you will have a renewed outlook on America and a profound reverence for everything you've taken for granted. Every time I have been stuck in Korea or have been sent to the Middle East (The total for everything is 7), I marvel just how wonderful America really is and how good we have it, yet you cunt-flaps fail to recognize it. It's the same reason why all those goddamned Messicans continue to jump the border - opportunity abounds. Do a mile in my shoes next time you bitch and whine how bad gas prices are and WALK EVERYWHERE. You'll lose weight and shut the fuck up in the process. Two birds, one stone.

So as amusing as I find George Carlin to be, I can't agree with him on this one. If he's become so disgusted with what our country has become, move the fuck out. It's that simple. Don't bitch about a problem unless you're going to do something about it.

Take the Machine Challenge and come talk to me again in 365.

Neunkirchen

I get a wild hare up my ass yesterday and decide to see what the hell Zhombie is up to. I figure it's Saturday and I'm bored as fuck and since DORK isn't around to call I'll see if he wants to tool around instead. I'm on base and decide to go inside the BX Bookstore to pick up some pens and pencils for class. No sooner do I get in line that this little hottie blonde and her loser of a boyfriend get behind me. This guy looks like a typical comic book dork and a human version of that stupid Chicken Little cartoon if it were to ever become human. Little Hottie Blonde: "Hey I want to get some coffee - what do you want?" Whiney Loser: "Uh - I'll have whatever you have" Little Hottie Blonde: "Tell me what you want - I don't want to get you something you don't end up liking" Whiney Loser: "Just get me whatever you want" Little Hottie Blonde: "OKAY FINE!" and she storms off Whiney Loser: " Uh ~ ! I hate it when she does that to me" I had just witnessed the most pathetic form of a man hooked up with a hot chick, and wondered what the fuck did he have to nail her in the first place? A 10 inch dick? More money than Bill Gates? Tongue-Fu? There was no way this hot piece of ass was attracted to this whiney bitch-boy simply out of "personality" alone. That shit just doesn't happen in real life. About 5 minutes later she returns with two cups of coffee and has a smile on her face like that little tiff of theirs had never happened. I was dumb-founded. I pay for my shit and then leave. The girl behind the counter asked me whether or not I was having a good day. Why? And come to think about it, it seems someone has been doing the same to me all week. I must have a really shitty look on my face or something and not even realize it. "Eh." I replied in my infamous Short Bus Mafia sarcasm and then went about my business. I also buy a video game and the chick at the cash register asks whether or not I am a Marine since I am wearing my digital camouflage jacket. "No but I play one on TV" I joked. She looked at me weird. Eh whatever. Zhombie finally called back by this time and wondered why I had called - I told the dude we should go to the Hooters in Neunkirchen to get a bite to eat. I had never been out there before and I had 40 Euro so we could get a plate of hot wings and ogle the waitresses while drinking beer. He was all for it but wanted to go to the gym first and then go back to his place to change. I was cool with it and just decided to chill out. By this time it was like 8pm and he was dragging his fucking heels. I told him to get his ass in gear since I was getting hungry. He does his thing and then volunteers to drive us out there - biggest fucking mistake since he gets lost going there and coming back. On the way there we're listening to the new George Carlin CD he had purchased. Comedy CDs are funny but after you hear them once or twice they lose their value. As a kid I had Cheech & Chong cassettes and the Sheik Yerbouti cassette by Frank Zappa and would grow tired of them. George hits on a few things I've always felt strongly about but no way would I spend money on his new album. After an hour of driving every which way but there, we finally find the goddamned Hooters restaurant. It's located right across the street from a brothel. Prostitution in Germany and other parts of Europe is legal. It is taxed by the government and the women are forced to get quarterly check-ups so then if they do come down with something they can get treated right away. As a result sex crimes in Europe are remarkably lower than they are in the US and the customers know they're getting a quality product. Unforunately I can't visit any due to a recent law under the UCMJ which prohibits all servicemembers from using their services, otherwise I can face up to a year in prison, just for getting my rocks off. Yes, it sounds completely stupid but that's the way the military is being run. Anycase Zhombie and I go into Hooters. Some stupid fucking krauts are standing their with the thumbs up their asses, wondering whether or not they should go in. After finally deciding to leave, I immediately grab the owner's attention and tell him to seat us with no delay. After all I'm starving by this time and I have no tolerance for people who are fucking off. Turns out that there's a 40 minute wait and if we want to come back he'll call us on our cell phone. Pissed off that we got lost and made the trip all the way for nothing, I tell Zhombie that we should go find another place to eat - by now it's practically 10pm. So we go to a gasthaus and eat the shitty traditional German food. Schnitzel, salad and French Fries. I have a Paulaner beer to wash it all down with and then tell Zhombie it's time to get on the road. Had I known that this would've been a wasted trip I would've just stuck to a Doner Kebab shop in Landstuhl instead. Like I said before we start to drive back and we miss all our turn-off ramps, forcing us to double back. By this time it's 11 at night and I'm tired from being so pissed off I just say "fuck it" and go to bed. I wanted to go out drinking afterwards but I just wasn't feeling it. Next time I go to Neunkirchen, I'm driving and we're leaving early. If Zhombie doesn't have his shit together then I leave without him and get to stare at the Hooters waitresses all I want without being interrupted. I just can't go across the street for dessert, that's all.