Fasching Parade at Mainz

Well they had the Fasching celebration in Mainz today - it turns out the REAL madness begins Monday when people will be off from work to celebrate - I found out that this is the watered-down family shit they do for the kids. God fucking dammit. I was really looking forward to getting drunk and banging some ugly German chick or something. Anycase I took some photos. They even have Germans from Uranus Your Anus. There were some rowdy soccer hooligans supporting the Kaiserslautern Football Club (soccer) and cops were there to make sure that shit didn't get out of hand. Eh. They marched peacefully. It was boring. And some asshole handed me something written in German that I couldn't understand what it said. I started talking to him in German and when he found out I was American, abruptly ended the conversation right there. That and the fact that my Deutsch is still severely limited. So the parade finally began. Look! There are the Star Trek German nerds! Fucking dorks. Everyone was shouting "Helau" which I guess is German for "Hello" or something. These assholes threw more confetti at people than Rip Taylor on one of this boring HBO specials. Eh. These guys were after the fact. They showed up a little late and sounded like shit. No wonder. I ended up getting lost trying to locate the Autobahn so I could get back home. Fucking assholes need to design their roads better. Too bad I have to work Monday or otherwise I'd love to see these drunk assholes make fools of themselves ~!

Return of Manuke the Shit Demon

Fuck.

This morning at 2 am I was awakened by Manuke the Shit Demon. I went to bed after watching my Frank Zappa DVD and was sleeping soundly until I felt that oh-so familiar tug on my Descending Colon that could only mean one thing.

HE'S BACK.

The way I see it, Manuke demands an offering at least quarterly. I figure this out since the last time I was bothered was in December when Zhombie and I went out for Kebabs at this local Turkish place. I've had one or two since then and nothing has happened, yet last night I eat a cup of ramen noodles (I still have a shitload of those boxes I'm trying to finish off) and some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - relatively harmless by my standards. So, by guessing how this happens, I figure it's about every 3 months or so that I have to get on the commode and give the Underworld its due.

I wonder if there's a way I can mail my ass to Japan where Manuke can live in his natural environment? Or get a colon transplant? Perhaps what's really needed is a Holy Water enema - flush this fucker out - I think this little bastard is messing with my Third Chakra or some shit. If that doesn't work then I will go find a fortune teller and have her do a reading on MY ASS the same way a phrenologist can predict the future by studying the shape of someone's head. If it involves an anal probe or a finger up the butt then forget about it - the Machine doesn't do FOD in the poop-chute. I wonder what a hemorrhoid means in Japanese mythology? If it's truly symbolic then I can take a dump on one of those Rohrschatz cards the psychologists use and they can intrepret what they see instead.

All I know is that I was starting to fall asleep tonight in my German class despite my pounding heavily caffinated drinks. I'm going to call it a night and catch up on the lost rest I need. Right now, somewhere between my large intestines and my small intestines, he plots yet another attack. Hurricane Manuke will strike the toilet bowl like Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on Louisiana.


I can almost hear the little fucker laughing.

To do list

What it would be like to bang a chick with a hairlip? Or a midget for that matter? Or perhaps some other freak of nature?

Granted I've been around the block a few times with women of all different shapes and sizes - tall chicks, short chicks, gorgeous chicks, ugly chicks, skinny chicks, fat chicks and chicks of just about every ethnic background. I'm still looking to bang an Indian/Pakistani chick on the list as well as an Arab if given the chance. Maybe I should try New York City as much as that place disgusts me.

So, here's the list. I'm all out for new horizons and what not. Chances are this shit will never happen since I've been sprayed with more fuck-repellent than the Elephant Man himself, so take it with a grain of salt:

A chick with a hairlip.

A midget chick.

A blind chick.

A deaf chick. Done. Twice even.

An amputee chick.

A wheel-chair chick.

A Siamese Twin chick.

A regular Twin chick.

A hairy chick.

A goth chick.

A burnt-out porn star/titty dancer chick.

A lazy-eyed freak chick.

A freaky-deaky Dutch chick.

A dyke chick.

A dork chick.

I know what you're thinking - NO - no chicks with dicks! You sick fuck.

A washed-up rock star chick. (Hello, are The Donnas available?)

A.....

Aw fuck it. This shit's retarded and once again I prove how nothing is sacred on the Short Bus.

Eh. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

And finally, a chick with no sense of humor.


HA!

She bought your love but you paid for it

Heh. For all you bitches that I sent out the Goldfrapp E-card and wished a Happy Valentine's Day only to never recieve a Valentine's Day greeting myself, here's my way of saying 'thanks'- Some random STD pic I found from the internet: Remember this the next time you go down on some royal fucking asshole you just met at the bar and think he's so fucking wonderful. Reality will hit you soon enough. Besides, this photo should keep all the military assholes from viewing this blog from work for a change! I'm tracking you fuckers so don't think I don't know what's going on! Now get back to work already! Anycase Lilo, my co-worker was pissed that I didn't get her anything today either. I was like WTF? We're not dating or anything so why should she be expecting something from me? We talk and she helps me with my German and that's about it - what more is there? At first I was joking around, telling her she didn't get me anything either, to which she replied "I'm more traditional" as her excuse. Eh whatever. I teased her about it but I could tell for the rest of the day she was seriously pissed that she didn't have flowers or chocolates or anything denoting how special someone finds her to be. Okay okay. Jeezus Fucking Christ. Twist my arm already. Since she helped me with my Extra Credit for my German course the other day, I figured I would make something special for her. I went on line, grabbed some stupid JPEG that said "Be my Valentine" with a heart in the middle of it. Then I photoshopped a picture of a nanny goat inside the heart and I wrote beneath it: "Dear Lilo. Bist meine ziege. Machine" (Translation: Be my goat.) The significance behind this is my German teacher wanted us to make a Valentine's Day card as extra credit and for us to write about 4 or 5 sentences. Since I gave up on romance ages ago, I just reflect the reality of an embittered isolated man who has sacrificed too much for the sake of angry bitches everywhere to criticize and condemn his actions. I wrote: "Du isst mein Essen und trinkst mein Bier und machst die Wohnung schmutzig. Du schlafst mit dien Mund auf und hast einen schlecten Atem. Du bist fett und hasslich. Unser kind is blode. Meine Mutter hatte Recht - Du bist eine ZIEGE" (Translation: You eat my food and drink my beer and clutter the apartment. You sleep with your mouth open and you have horrible breath. You are fat and ugly and our kid is stupid. My mother was right - you are a goat") I then drew a picture of a goat inside a Valentine's Day heart surround with daisies and gave it to Lilo to correct. She laughed and said I was an evil man for saying such things, and how no woman in her right mind would find me attractive. I told her it was for my school and that I would turn it in and see what my teacher thought. Well, as it turns out, my teacher was sick yesterday and should be back tomorrow, when I can turn it in. I'm hoping she will share it in front of the class! So, by just saying "Be my goat" that was what was implied behind it all. She saw those 3 words and started laughing and then proceeded to put it up at her work station. "Now I have something to remember you by" she said with a smile on her face. Okay. If it makes you happy. Honestly kids. I don't shit where I eat and I don't fuck co-workers normally. Perhaps I should with this one? I'd rather not, especially when she finds out everything there is about me. Eh. It sucks not getting laid but it sucks even worse when you have some angry office bitch spreading all sorts of gossip and rumors and shit for 12 hours a day. Nevermind the fact that it's all true. I'd just rather not go there. So for all you fuckers that are getting laid today, enjoy it. Hell, shoot your load twice even. Make sure to double-up on the Yohimbine and wake up with a huge smile on your face tomorrow morning. I know I will since I'm getting paid and there's a gas station nearby that's loaded with German porn. I'll consider it to be the "After Palm Sunday Blow-Out Sale". Get it?

Goldfrapp

What the fuck. I'm sitting at Julie's house yesterday morning when she hands me the remote control to the television and tells me to make myself at home while she's cooking us breakfast. Bored with whatever watered-down family movie that's showing, I decide to switch channels until something decent pops up. Now if you've ever been exposed to European television, the majority of it sucks. American television sucks too, but the stuff they put on during the daytime would put even an insomniac to sleep. Really boring shit we're talking here, so I put it on the British imitation M-TV channel. At first it's the typical Top 40 shite you hear in the States. Goddammit it sucks! I start to study my German book and drown out what's going on in the background but then a video that breaks all the boring cookie-cutter stuff pops up. A British band by the name of GOLDFRAPP has this hottie blonde dressed in godawful 70's Debbie Harry-style clothing as she sings a song entitled "Ride the white horse" like ABBA meets the Lords of Acid. Now for the unenlightened, ABBA never truly died here in Europe, like they did in the States. Despite the band breaking up ages ago, every few years there's a remix of an ABBA song or a re-release of one of their albums or a greatest hits of some shit. Kinda like the same way KISS never seems to die, despite the fact they haven't released shit in forever too. Well, at first I'm thinking this is just another typical Euro-trash wanna-be disco group since it doesn't sound like anything original, but then they start mixing some techno in the background that doesn't sound half-bad. Like I said, ABBA meets the Lords of Acid. I'm starting to dig it somewhat, but then the weirdest fucking thing in this video happens next! They show miss hot-tits all dolled up walking with toilet paper stuck to her shoes, eating a slice of pizza with cigarette butts stuck in it like birthday candles, and all sorts of close-ups of rotten food and shit. What takes the cake next is when she's standing in front of a homeless dude wrapped in mummy bandages, eating out of a garbage can like he hasn't had a meal in ages. What the fuck? This video then proceeds to become even more interesting when 4 dudes dressed in tighty-whiteys all hop out of a dumpster covered in filth and start dancing behind her as she continues to coo in this voice that would make most guys shot their load in their pants. Fucking hell - talk about mixed messages. I have never seen a video this original in a very long time! Granted I don't watch much television to begin with and avoid most American Top 40 like the plague, but goddammit if I don't wanna get this album when it releases. The video ends with her flushing the said homeless mummy dude down the toilet with his foot sticking out and her trying to push him in with a plunger, and the 4 said tight-whitey guys dancing around in cardboard boxes. I shit thee not. If you check out the official Goldfrapp website you can see how fucked-up yet original these guys are if you click the "Send a postcard" icon and go over to the video. They've been underground for the longest time and think they're getting noticed finally - they may or may not make it to an American market. Considering that most music I like is either underground or not part of the mainstream push, this doesn't surprise me one bit. I have yet to find a German music store in the local area and from talking to people who have been here for quite some time there ain't shit in Kaiserslautern for music shops. I just might as well go on-line and rip their shit or something. I could bust a load just from staring at the album cover alone......

Spangdahlem

I just got back from visiting Julie - and nothing happened as usual. While I figure she just wanted to hang out, we did go out with friends, to which this opened the door to an entirely new opportunity.

She has a German friend by the name of Natasha. Natasha is a little hottie (unlike Julie) that is really sweet and laid back. Natasha is involved with this royal asshole named Steve who fucks around behind her back every chance he gets. Steve is pretty cool when out in public with everyone, although he becomes a vicious attack dog when he starts drinking. He will start fights and cause all sorts of shit when he gets too much in his system. I hate a man that can't hold his liqour like that. Yet, she still stays by his side thinking that somehow this will all work out in her favor.

She was impressed with the fact I've been learning German and that I can speak enough of it to get around. While most people in Julie's circle just sit back and drink their lives into oblivion, I think the fact I take initiative to better myself grabbed her attention. We went out yesterday to a few German restaurants where we nursed some beers before going out to the local pub. I was still feeling like shit and called it an early evening so I didn't join up with everyone. It did the trick since I feel that I have weathered the most of this fucking flu (die grippe) although it would've been better had I kicked this thing's ass on Friday instead. Eh. It's just the way it goes.

I also saw someone I knew from Korea - Tammi is her name too. She got married to some Filipino dude which makes me wonder why she did since the guy is ugly as hell and she's really fine looking too. They couldn't keep their hands off eachother the entire day. When she saw me at Steve's house she freaked out at first thinking it wasn't me. Yep. It was. What's ironic is that she was Melanie's room mate in Korea and would often hear her bitch and whine about me. Eh. Like I'm going to deny the truth. She was floored over all the weight I've lost and how I've managed to keep it off since seeing me last. I suppose that's a testament to all the time I spend in the gym.

I went to the BX today at Spangdahlem and they have the new X-Box 360 kiosk where you can play the system. It was fucking sweet and makes the current PS2 and X-Box look like kindergarten drawings. Ironically enough we don't have it here at Ramstein yet which makes me wonder why it is that such a tiny base would be first to get one instead? Who knows. I do know that I'll pick one up when the price drops eventually. No way am I gonna shell out $300 just for a new gimmick.

I think it will behoove me to stay in contact with Julie for the time being. While her and I may not hit things off ever again, she has friends and so forth that can prove to be quite interesting providing I play my cards right. Time will tell.

Ich bin krank

I am one sick motherfucker. Physically speaking. I have a cold that I caught from one of my co-workers who has been sick all week. Fucker. I wanted to go out tonight only I am going to call it an early evening and get some rest. Goddammit. My arms are still burning from yesterday. Yesterday Dork and I went to the gym and got a good work out. I made that motherfucker do some serious reps too with both free weights and the equipment. I think I killed him on the dips. He was whining today at work how he could barely move his arms. I think Dork is going to prove to be a cool work out partner, but just needs the motivation, which is where I come in. I think heritage months are stupid too. I blame the liberal media and the fucking Democrats for pushing that shit on us. The way I see it, everyone contributes something worthwhile, regardless of what race they are and that's what the main focus should be - all this other shit just divides us as a nation and feeds into all these fucking racist assholes' agendas. So long as these special interest groups exist, we'll always be reminded of this shit. Whatever happened to "Indivisible with liberty and justice for all"? It's still "We the People" and not "We the different race groups" last time I checked. I need to get to bed. Fuck you all.

Pictures from the Netherlands

Well my lazy ass got around to posting the pics I took from the Netherlands.

Sorry kids, no photos of coffee shops or the red light district - as long as my ass remains in the military, I'm playing it straight. Uncle Sam will fuck your shit up big time if you break the rules. It's just that way.

Anycase....

I can sum up the Netherlands in 2 words.



Bicycles



And dog shit.

You can't walk 10 feet in any direction without either one being directly in your path.



I saw this at the town center shopping mall of this one clothing store. COOP would be proud! Go check out his blog and you'll see what I mean.



What the fuck??? And I thought the raunchy sex shop next to the Rofu Kinderland was in bad taste!!





What's that Fahrfegnugehen crap the Germans were talking about? The joy of driving while stoned? I'd certainly hope not!





And finally, a recommendation from the Man Downstairs....


Europe is just full of surprises!

Love don't live here no more

Eh.

Julie and I had lunch today. She was glad to see me but after about 5 minutes of talking, she goes back to bitching and fussing about all her fucked-up past relationships. No way around it either. I try to talk to her about shit in general but she always takes it back to that.

I am convinced she wants a friendship and nothing else. Never once did she make a hint or suggestion that we should get back together and instead spent the majority of the lunch hour bitching how all of her guy friends now have girlfriends and how she never sees them anymore. And the few female friends she has no longer make an attempt to hang out with her either. So I suppose I was correct in the sense that I was her 4th string pick since she decided to wait 4 months before contacting me again. Nice.

Well, this is the plan kids. The Machine is going to hang out with her this weekend and basically do what his good buddy Moonbat Monitor suggested - pick up a chick with her in front of me and take her home and fuck her with no remorse whatsoever. She obviously didn't give 2 shits when she did that to me, so I figure one good turn deserves another. This might take a while but I'll be sure to do it before she leaves Germany. On top of that, she told me how she fucked her ex-boyfriend's best friend as revenge. So yeah - she's getting a dose of her own medicine.

My German is to the point now to where I can carry on a basic conversation so I should be able to pull something off. I bumped into two old hags tonight wandering through my neighborhood and they rattled off in their fucked up Pfalzish dialect how shitty the weather was and how they've been freezing their asses off. All the shit that's been rattling around in my head with verb conjugations and what not is starting to finally make some sense.

I hope so since my mid-term is on Monday!

Yet another apology letter

So. Once again I get another "apology" letter.

This time it's from Julie, one of my former girlfriends that lives close by. As you may or may not remember, I saw her back in October of last year when she decided to go and fuck some smelly Kraut named Harry that she picked up when we were out at the pub one evening. Nevermind the fact we were getting reacquainted with eachother to possibly pick up where we had left off 6 years ago - she wanted to prove to me how much of a cunt she could be and therefore didn't think twice about ripping my fucking heart out before my eyes.

The e-mail went something like this:

"Hey Stranger - long time no see. I've been swamped with work and haven't had the chance to get out much. I was curious if you wanted to go to a wine festival in March? I'll send you the details."

I knew it was a matter of time before she would contact me. This ALWAYS happens. People treat me like shit, I tell them to go fuck themselves 9 ways from Sunday, and then some time later I usually hear from then again, apologizing for how horribly they acted and how they want to continue our friendship or whatever.

Now the difference between Melanie and Julie is that Melanie never gave me the time of day where as Julie did. We went out together, we dated and slept with eachother. There was for all intensive purposes a REAL relationship going on but the military took us in different directions which is why we ended things. I'd be a liar if I said I didn't still have feelings for the girl, although I will say that those feelings have been seriously strained and I am going to re-evaluate our standing.

I recieved another e-mail today asking what I am doing this weekend as well as 2 text messages on my cell phone from her and wonder if she truly misses me or if she just doesn't wanna be lonely for Valentine's Day. I'm thinking she just wants someone to pay her some attention and I'm the 4th string pick. She's made no attempt to contact me during the holiday season or the new year so I am automatically suspicious of her intentions.

I'll find out tomorrow either way. We're going to do lunch since she will be in the local area. If all it is is just some bullshit excuse then I'm deleting her number from my cell phone and will most likely throw some shit via the Man Downstairs on her ass. She knows better than to do this kind of stuff.

Vampire movies suck

Goddammit.




Avoid this piece of shit stinker film if you know what's good for you.


Vampire movies were cool when you were a kid - like 5 or 6 years old. They scared the piss outta yah and you thought Dracula would come bite you while you were sleeping. Or if you were me, you really dug the shit and wanted to be a vampire until your dad took you to see Star Wars for your 6th birthday. Bella Lugosi, Christopher Lee - the acting was great and it lead lots to the imagine.

Not so now.

Underworld Evolution is a fucking waste of film. Kate Beckinsale is definitely a hot piece of ass to look at, but aside from the immediate eye candy, the movie goes limp - just like my dick after all day jerking off. I was bored with the entire film from start to finish with its substandard plot and was hoping it would pick up at any moment. Before I knew it the film was over with both vampire and were-wolf bad guys dying. I should've known better than to see the sequel considering I wasn't impressed with the original Underworld.

What royally pissed me off is how during the film everyone was getting up every 5 minutes or so to walk up the aisle. Stupid goddamned teenagers primarily. Some woman brought her goddamned 2 year old to the film also, which would not shut the fuck up to save its life. A key part of the film is playing and the fucking toddler is making bird calls or some shit. If she was considerate she'd take the kid outside or whatever but she wasn't about to do that. Fucking ghetto as she wanna be.

Base theaters are notorious for these ass-hats for some reason - perhaps it's just the segment of society that joins the service - who knows. I have yet to see the shit happen in a normal civilian movie theater. I remember seeing The Punisher and The Devil's Rejects in the theater and within 5 minutes, any cry-baby or noise-maker was outta the facility. Parents were good about taking their kids out, especially if it wasn't appropriate for them to be watching. All I know is that the German movie theater (Kino) is worth paying the extra Euro to go see these films since I don't have to deal with the shit.

And they don't show stupid vampire movies.

Back home

Well I got back home today from my little trip up north. The racist black and I had a mutual understanding of being cool with one another the entire time which really made the trip go alot smoother.

The Netherlands

This place is a total trip. I thought Germany was cool but Germany is a cesspool of misery comparatively speaking. The people here are REALLY laid back and VERY liberal. I'm fucking loving it. And NO. I know what you're thinking - NO, I have not gone to any coffee shops or done any window shopping for that matter. When I think of how fucked up and stupid the world is and how easy going these people are, it puts everything into so much better perspective. My ass is coming up here every chance I can since it's only a 4 hour drive and open borders all the way. Just watch out for all the damn people on bicycles!

Trip

Well kids, the Machine is going on a trip for a few days and I'm taking my lap top. I'll update from the road if possible. Considering I will be traveling with one of the racist blacks I work with, this should be interesting. Duty calls.

Soul$

"I always spell Satan with a dollar sign - if there's anything I want I just make it mine" - Reverend Thomas Thorn, lead singer of the Electric Hellfire Club.

Tonight's topic is about another video game idea I have. Soul$ (Souls). It came to me last week and chances are someone else has already thought of this, so if that happens to be the case then I'll give them props for thinking of this first before I did. But if not then I claim complete ownership of this idea and if you rip it off I will find you and sue your fucking ass for millions. So be forewarned.

The idea of the game is that you're a demon-in-training who just arrived in Hell. In life you were a ruthless CEO of a major corporation and sold everything decent about yourself in order to make a buck. You died in a freak accident when the city garbage truck ran you over at a cross-walk because the brakes failed and off to Hell you went. Well, the Man Downstairs being ever vigilant, took note of your talent in life and decided to give you a second try in the Afterlife at Hell, Inc., Corporate Headquarters building, 12th Circle of Hell, as a flunkie for all the other demons.

You start out having to manage the First Circle of Hell, Sim-City style by managing the souls that are there. Souls are the equivalent of money and the better you manage your "cash", the sooner you'll get promoted to more responsibility. Souls are important since they fuel the process that makes precious metals in the earth's crust, which in turn creates man to sin even more. The more souls that go after gold, silver and what not in turn help you upgrade the tortures of the damned in whatever level of Hell you're working on, which in turn produces finer quality gold, silver, etc.

After a while, your reputation and standing within Hell, Inc. will increase with the better assignments you manage. You will be able to enlist the aid of lesser demons to help with the taskings, in exchange for a cut of the profits. Eventually you will manage all 12 Circles of Hell, making Lucifer so happy he'll give you a shot at running planet Earth for him. You would start out geographically in the poorer countries since they're less populated and then work your way up to the larger countries by enticing mankind with the 7 Deadly Sins. And the cool thing would be that you could upgrade sins after a while too. Within Lust for example, you would upgrade from Lust to Pornography to Prostitution. With Greed you would upgrade from Greed to Theft to Extortion. Sloth would start out as Sloth, then to entertainment then to folly and so on. The more powerful you become in the game, the more people, demons and angels will pay attention to you. People will make pacts with you in return for what they want and you have to deliver the goods if you want their souls. They'll be worth more than normal souls so it would be in your best interest to stay on top of their wants, and in turn they will spread your message through the media, music, crime, and so on. Other demons will see you and get jealous and as a result try to sabotage your efforts. You will have to be sneaky and play dirty pool by tricking them or guaranteeing something in return to them.

The really fun part of the game would be when religious zealots, tele-evangelists and angels come knocking on your door, starting up all sorts of shit. You could easily kill them, but the real fun would be turning them to your side and making them work for you as well. Use sin as your primary weapon to catch them off-guard and then humiliate them before other people. Angels can be converted to demons, but only through special techniques. The game would end when you have control over both Hell and Earth together.

I envision the game to be somewhat like Sim City, although I'd like to throw some Grand Theft Auto elements in there as well. By that I mean you can pick and choose which missions you want to take on, since they would all add to your experience level and you wouldn't be able to progress through the game until all requirements for that area had been met. The upgrades to the 7 Deadly Sins would be similar to weapons upgrades you find in most games as well. With a little finesse and group brainstorming, I think this game could really make a soul or two -er- buck or two.

Again, if you're in the video game industry or have connections, get with me off line if this sounds like it will work.