The Machine Show

Last night I was watching The Man Show Season 3 on DVD and laughing my ass off hysterically, like I normally do when watching the exploits of Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel. Those 2 guys definitely had a formula that worked well and when Comedy Central tried replacing them with those 2 boobs, no wonder it fell apart with the first episode. It just didn't carry the same weight the original series did.

It got me to thinking about possibly having my own show - The Machine Show - where it would be a pale imitation of the show they have, just 10 times more twisted and fucked up than theirs. Here's the kinda thing I was thinking about:

The Machine Show - starring ME, The Machine

Show opens up with me coming out on stage with a black rusted van behind me, painted with all sorts of fucked up shit, with me telling a bunch of dirty jokes. Nothing is sacred either. The Man Show has "Juggies", I have "Slutties" - titty dancers who hop around and give studio members lap dances at random. All of this while the audience drinks shots of Jack Daniels - Man Show was limited to just beer.

Then I move to the Asshole of the Week award - this is given to anyone I know from co-workers and family members alike to public figures and a short bio as to why that person deserves the award is given.

From there we move on interviews with low-lifes from all walks of life - bikers, porn stars, ex-cons, Satanists and death metal band members just to name a few. We do a Q & A session about anything and everything.

Cut scene with some death metal music being played by my hired band - The Short Bus Mafia - and then go to commercial break. The Man Show hired a polka band so this would be my answer to them.

Come back from commercial break and do a "How to" skit - "How to get the blood stains out from the carpet" for example or "How to hide the body".

Then segue into a montage of real-world fucked up video footage - executions, riots, all sorts of human rights violations with a death metal soundtrack to it or something equally fucked up like the Sesame Street song.

From there break into the "Fist Fight Club" where 2 members from the audience are chosen at random to enter a cage and for 5 minutes will be required to beat the living fuck out of eachother with nothing but their bare hands. The winner emerges and gets the loser's wallet.

The Machine Show ends with "Bukkake Girls!" similar to the way the Man Show ends with "Girls jumping on trampolines" - another video montage of facial shots from different porno films wrapped up nicely with an industrial soundtrack to it - think KMFDM, Skinny Puppy, Ohgr, Front 242 or Project Pitchfork just to name a few bands.

And there you would have it.

Of course I would have to hire some professional writers most likely although I think the whole corporate angle would ruin my vision, and should instead grab some sick fuckers from the street to help with the material. Ultimately I could just rely on my own imagination since there's alot of repressed shit that I've kept from the public that could fly on something like this. If anyone with some cash wants to fund something like this, just get with me off-line and title the e-mail "Showtime".

Heh.

Mein Auto ist Kaput

Yep, my car is broken. Turns out it's something with the intake system and the parts have to be ordered and installed tomorrow. WTF? I thought that by owning a German automobile that I wouldn't have to wait for shit like this to happen? Goddammit Fucking Christ Motherfucker cunt dick pussy twat shit fuck!!!!!!!!!!! So, being the ever-resourceful person that I am, I have resorted to driving my piece of shit B-M-Trouble-You that I got from Juicy Girl back in September. Considering I haven't driven it in close to 2 months, I had a royal bitch of a time getting it started despite giving it a good jump. This thing is definitely on its last legs and might as well trash the fucker once and for all. It's just not worth dumping the money into this old dog. I'm just curious what this is going to cost me on the German economy. The Euro sucks ass right now and is beating the dollar like a little bitch. Still, it's the "best" service I can get for what I need and the timeliness I can get it. Still, a 5 year old car with under 28,000 miles on it, this shouldn't be happening. Shit, I had a Honda CRX with over 110,000 miles that ran like a charm before I got rid of it. I suppose that goes to show that German engineering isn't as good as they claim it to be. Come to think of it, the longer I stay in Europe, the less enchanted I am becoming with the place. I mean it kicked ass when I was 18 years old and I could live life between my legs but now that I'm in practically in my mid-30's the realities of everyday life just suck over here. America is definitely cheaper by a long shot and I'm starting to think I'm not going to be able to save a pretty penny as I originally planned over here. Methinks I was better off in Japan where I could make serious bank and still live my evil nerd lifestyle. Hmm. Anycase providing my P.O.S. BMW makes the drive home and back tomorrow I should be in good hands. And come to think of it I'm starting to get the hang of this German shit alot better. Baby-steps. Baby-steps.

'Tis the Season

So now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, people are running around like fucking retards doing their holiday shopping. I have been holed up in my house purposely these past 2 days since it was perfect time for me to knock out a few video games I've had laying around and the fact I didn't want to deal with crowds and all the bullshit in general. I hate the holiday season for this very reason. Not because of my odds with Christianity or any other organized religion for that matter, but because people lose their fucking minds around this time of year. It's like something in the air turns people into fucking morons with a one-track mind. Traffic sucks, parking sucks, and there's always the understaffed cashier who works slow as shit out of resent their company won't hire more part-time work. It happens every year and AAFES is notorious for doing this shit. Even if you're not out in the public, it's fucking impossible to get people to put in a work order since offices are open holiday hours and nobody really feels like doing anything anyways. It's really a pain in the fucking ass. Most of all I hate the bullshit "family" movies more so than the blatant commercialism. Stupid movies like "Miracle on 34th Street" or whatever the fuck it's called, "It's a Wonderful Life", and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Thankfully I haven't seen this shit in forever but it's the fact there are boobs out there who really dig the shit that it continues to plague us. Why can't we have cool movies instead like "Santa's Hemorrhoid" or "Jesus Christ Mercenary". I can see it now too. Jesus Christ goes into Afghanistan like Rambo and kicks Osama's ass. He flies an A-10 Warthog and has an M-60 he uses and by the time he's done with the terrorists, they're all a giant mountain of gore and carnage. Of course that film would never be made but it would be cool. I suppose the closest thing we could have to a kick-ass holiday film is Bad Santa and its uncut version Badder Santa which had me laughing in tears it was such a fucking hoot. I can easily see myself like that Billy Bob Thornton dude in 10 years. I plan on spending the majority of the holiday season locked up at home. Fuck this gay shit. I'm stock up on munchies and stay glued to my PlaySatan 2 until the madness is over. I advise you to do the same.

Giving Thanks

So. It's Thanksgiving tomorrow and all of us selfish, lazy fucks are gonna get stuffed on good food while we sit on our fat asses watching football on TV. We are truly best defined by this holiday as Americans since no other day can we devote to total gluttony and still have it socially acceptable. We had Thanksgiving Day celebration yesterday in my office by having a potluck luncheon. Everyone was supposed to bring in something to eat and since I have a bunch of bitches in my office, they all decided to cook which is cool. Thanksgiving is one of the few days out of the year where I get a home cooked meal absolutely free and don't have to listen to some bullshit lecture or my mother's nagging voice. I don't cook and figured I'd bring some bullshit like a bag of chips or whatever and got a bag of Doritos. No sooner than I did that than some ghetto bitch I'll call "Shaquita" that I work with started to give me some attitude, asking me if I had lost my mind by doing something like this. No sooner did she start up than her ghetto-hags start cackling and joined right in. "You better back the hell up woman!" I told her and explained she was lucky I even brought something to begin with. My cheap ass could've shown up with just my appetite and nothing more but instead I chose to contribute to these ungrateful cunts by getting some food. But to prove my point, I added injury to insult by taking my bag of chips away from the table where all the food was and proceeded to EAT them before putting them away for good. Fuck them and their ungrateful stupid asses. Instead of giving you all some stupid horseshit lecture about how we should all be thankful for what we have this holiday, I am going to go in the opposite direction for a change and say I am thankful for the fact I can get on people's nerves and irritate the fuck out of the majority out there, women especially. All my life I've been branded as a spazz and a reject who is tolerated in short doses and for quite some time it bothered me, only I'm past that now and relish the fact most women find me morally repulsive and would rather fuck the Elephant Man than give me a hand-job wearing 3 layers of latex gloves. I am thankful that I am the asshole that mothers see in public and tell their children to get the hell away from, and religious fundies can't touch despite their Bible-thumping rhetoric and scare-tactics. I am thankful that I am the son of a bitch who laughs at your misfortunes (read: schadenfreude)when Karma decides to bitch-slap you since you're the same motherfucker who's been laughing at me all along, and then tell everyone to go rub it in. I am thankful that I am living proof that the underdog can survive, have his cake and still eat it and while I'll never be accepted in most social circles, I will always be needed to do your dirty work. It is at that time when I best shine and take great delight when you have to give this Devil his due, because you have to admit that without me you're too damn stupid or too damn chickenshit to get the job done. I smile from ear to fucking ear all the while. I am your moral janitor, I am your spiritual garbageman. So. Happy Thanksgiving assholes! Be glad I'm not banging your sister.

Phantom Shitter Part 2

Well well well - perhaps I've discovered the secret identity of the infamous Phantom Shitter who plagues the Men's bathroom with his foul rancid poopy sauce? It all happened so quickly - just as of last week. I finished slamming a quart of water and had to pee really bad when I ran to the Men's room to take care of business. No sooner do I unbutton my pants and whip it out and start going full-stream than I hear the door open with a rush of wind only to be echoed with the shitter stall door closing and locking. AND THEN IT CAME. Fecal intonations and baritone calls that could only be rivaled by demon horns and trombones of the underworld!

AH HA! THE PHANTOM SHITTER!!!!

FINALLY!

I finished up draining the lizard when I quickly buttoned up my pants, washed my hands and decided to run outside and wait for the dude before the stench hit my nasal passages. After a month plus of suffering this asshole's raunchy left-over smells, I was going to solve this Scooby-Doo mystery......until.......some douchebag moron came into my office needing my help and I had to break away to assist. GODDAMMIT!!!!

Well, not one to be so easily discouraged, I decided to go from office to office to see who was present at their desks and who wasn't. Where Scooby-Doo stoner hi-jinks fail, the shrewd detective reasoning of Sherlock Holmes can always save the day. I looked all throughout the ground floor of where I work to see who was around and think it's some guy I've seen only once or twice. I don't get out much and mingle with people since I hate my co-workers and pretty much everyone within my building, set aside the occasional hottie MILF I catch a glimpse of. Eh. Whatever.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M ONE STEP CLOSER THAN I WAS BEFORE!!

Goddamn you, Phantom Shitter, you intangible fuck. You abstract queef. You're like the football Charlie Brown never got to kick or the elusive piece of ass Beavis and Butthead were always chasing but never scored. Every clue points me in a new direction but when I think I'm about to uncover your true identity, I'm only stuck back at square one. Mark my words, Phantom Shitter, I will expose you for the smelly geist you are, even if I have to call the fucking Ghostbusters on your ass!

Perhaps I need to invest in higher knowledge in order to solve this mystery - paint the toilet seat with Tobasco sauce and wait for the fucker to run in and wait for him to start screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs as the sauce works its way up his ass-crack and into his ring sphincter. I think the first degree burns on his butt cheeks will teach him to foul up the bathroom ever again considering he won't be able to sit down for a week ~ !!

Thanksgiving

Heh. Thanksgiving. Every year where you round up the family and make them sit pretty for a day that becomes decreasingly important as time goes by. When I was a kid I always hated Thanksgiving because the cooking turkey would always dry my sinuses out and give me a wicked sore throat and I would be sick for the rest of the week. Now since I no longer have a family, let alone a home to celebrate such bullshit activities of feigned importance, I look forward to it because it means I can sleep in late and I have 4 days to play video games all to myself. I will stock up this week on munchies and just camp out in front of the tube. I've bot a shit load of PlaySatan and X-Box games that need my attention so I'll be busy with that. But not to let Thanksgiving go entirely, I look forward to the office potlucks especially since it's one of the rare moments where I actually get a good home-cooked meal. My rule of thumb is that if it can't be nuked in the microwave for 5 minutes or less, then it's not worth bothering with and I will leave the cooking up to someone else that is willing to clean up the mess afterwards too. It's the few times of the year where I load up on turkey, ham, stuffing and dessert since I normally don't eat so fattening. I figure once or twice out of the year isn't going to kill me, so enjoy life a little I say. It's also the chance where I can be a TOTAL FUCKING CHEAPSKATE and bring in a bag of cookies or a bag of chips and say "Okay, eat up" and I'm completely resolved of any kind of clean-up. My office has 2 luncheons this week, back-to-back and this is my plan: buy a bag of Fig Newtons and since they come in those separate columns, open one up one day, and save the other column for the next day. My thinking is that with all this food, nobody is going to want to eat some crummy fig newtons and that way I can easily pocket whatever's left over for an afternoon snack! I spend like $2 bucks or something and I'm covered. Because the majority of my salary goes to my Roth and savings, whatever money I have left over after I pay the bills goes directly to my video game habit and I need to make every penny count! Besides I still get free internet porn so my need for a girlfriend is still out the window, although I could definitely use someone to cook and clean for me ~! So, this year will be spent no differently than any other year - I will truly give thanks for the 4 days I am allowed to do absolutely not a goddamned thing if I feel like it. Thanks alot, you fuckers! >:)