Sex in Video Games

Lately the whole scream in the news has been how the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas game has some hidden nudity content, and how parents and politicians alike are throwing a shit-fit.

Waaah.

Cry me a river.

This solves nothing. In the 1950's, politicians blamed comic books and rock n' roll for the degeneracy of their kids, and in the 1980's, Tipper Gore and her PMRC nazis said it was Heavy Metal music and the hidden message content kids would hear when you would play an Ozzy record or a Judas Priest record backwards. For an artist to actually admit to doing something like this would be the worst career-move they could make, especially if the majority of their fan base ends up killing themselves as a result.

The way I see it, nobody wants to tackle the real issues in society - instead we have this crappy "say no to drugs" solution which has the drug lords laughing in their cocaine-frenzy, we turn a blind eye to illegal immigration, and the whole "no child left behind" policy is a royal joke. Instead they all want to hide behind the safe issues everyone can agree on, especially during an election year when the politicians pander to all the soccer-mom hyper-sensitivities. Is this really the best we can do as a nation? I'd hope not.

I've played all the Grand Theft Auto games in the series and love them. They're a great way to blow off steam at the end of the day without going postal on your co-workers or family members. It's an excellent alternative to REAL violence, and for all the worried parents out there, it's a great way to keep tabs on your teen-ager. He's at home and not out getting in trouble with his thug friends, and if the fucker starts acting psycho, you can just pull the X-Box for 15 minutes until he's cooled off.

Not once have I ever wanted to live the lifestyle of some street-thug because I was playing this game, nor the majority of people who own this title. If anything, the game serves as a watered-down reflection of real life in the ghetto and how horrible it really is. No way in hell would I want to go live in South East San Diego where all the crack dealers and gang-bangers hang out and try to roll with them or talk trash. That's just plain stupid.

But chances are most teens and pre-teens have already been exposed to sex in one form or another - either they've stumbled upon their dad's porno stash, or they watch scrambled porn on TV when nobody is looking. I was doing that when I was 10 years old with the Playboy Channel and my parents were completely oblivious to the fact. If you really want to push the issue, any children growing up on a farm will see animals reproduce sooner or later. Now that's a fact of life nobody can ignore.

Parents can argue that they don't want hidden content sneaking into their homes like this, but if they're going to let their kids play video games that glorify the 7 Deadly Sins, they shouldn't bitch and fuss about it. Instead they should take their medicine like grown adults and learn next time when their kid starts pitching a fit for the new Grand Theft Auto game, to exercise some responsibility before making the purchase. I hate it when people bitch about giving the Devil his due.

Destroy All Humans

I started playing this game yesterday and absolutely love it. Similar to War of the Worlds, your objective is to kill the entire population of Earth and make it ready for alien domination. The race of aliens known as the Furons wiped out the Martians thousands of years ago, when they discovered Earth and decided to use it as a port for their soldiers to blow off steam with the human population.

You're known as Crypto-136 and you're a clone of your predecessor who was shot down by an experimental Army rocket launch, and now it's your task to go retrieve him and the saucer that was accidentaly lost. You start out in a corn field trying to communicate with a herd of cattle, only you take their brainless remarks as insults and instead hurl them using Psycho-Kinesis. This prompts the farmer to come out with his shot-gun and take pot-shots at you, prompting you to zap the fucker with your ray-gun. Not only are you armed with a ray-gun, but you also have an Anal-Probe gun that causes people to shit their pants as they run in terror, and then seconds later their heads explode and their brains pop out on the ground. You have the ability to collect the brains since there's an ancient strand of alien DNA inside each human that your race needs in order to regenerate itself with, and the more brain stems you pick up the better.

The funnest part is being able to cruise around in your flying saucer and obliterate houses and buildings alike. The cops get pissed and the Army comes out with tanks and Anti-Aircraft guns a-blazing but they can easily be avoided. If you get tired of using the saucer's death ray, you also have an abduction beam you can use to pick people and equipment with. I was bored and crashed a few mutant cows into the sides of buildings, as well as some tanks into the river. What sucks is they still continue shooting even though they're under 10 feet of water. Wonder how that works.

This game is littered with plenty of B-Movie references from the 1950's and feels like a space-age version of Grand Theft Auto. You can easily upgrade your ray-gun as well as your saucer and pick up bonus DNA points from alien sentry probes that are hidden around the area. Ultimately your little alien guy attacks Washington DC and from there goes to Area 51, although it's known as "Area 42" in the game. The developers at THQ Studios and Pandemic have a hot little gem on their hands in my opinion. This one is definitely one of the pick-up titles for this summer.

Reel Big Fish

I went to go see Reel Big Fish today at the House of Blues in San Diego, and had a kick-ass time. I drug my sister out there originally as a means of thanking her for all the times she's taken me out to her theatrical productions the Old Globe does here in town, even though I find Shakespeare to be a tad outdated for my liking, and while I can appreciate the dialogue, it's something I wouldn't want to take someone on a first date. She didn't want to go and it became more increasingly evident as the evening passed by the sullen look on her face, and when she started acting like a bitch and wanted to go home, I knew it was time to go. So I took her back. Pissed me off too since I had found a really cool place to chill out for the show and didn't want to leave but whatever. I didn't want to listen to her bitch and whine the next 3 days as to how shitty the show was.

On the way back home we get into this huge conversation about how much of an asshole I am because I am assertive with her and tell her to do shit from time to time, as well as my total lack of regard for people who give me static or who are overall careless in their daily actions. I told her that's what assholes usually do and figured it's just her being tempermental as always and didn't give it much attention until she starts LAUGHING half-way through the conversation. Holy shit. I'm a comedian and didn't even know it. Whatever. I figure I'd just let her get it out of her system and then high-tail it back to the show. I was pissed I had to pay for parking twice now.



What started as hearing them on 91-X in 1997 and picking up their CD at the Osan Bx on a whim has lead to an all out appreciation for what it is they do. I was home on leave and heard the song "Sell Out" originally on the radio and thought it was catchy at the time but didn't think much about it until I was in Korea again and was looking for something new to listen to. They proved to be pretty good, and they've always been one of those bands I've kept on the back-burner as music is concerned, but enough of that.



Anycase I made it back to the show and my original spot had been taken by now. Some annoying Australian guys were there making asses of themselves while scoring with this one chick who looked starved for attention. This one limey Aussy thought he was gonna pick her up and bang the hell outta her, although that wasn't the vibe I was reading from her. I could be completely wrong but who knows. Speaking of attention-starved, some jack-ass dressed up like a hot dog in a bun and was crowd surfing too. Anything for attention.


The bands that were there sucked. Some whiny Emo/Nu-Metal bands known as Zolof the Rock n Roll Destroyer, Punch-line, El Pus, and Catch-22 were all just time fillers in my opinion, and a waste of the $14 I paid to get in. El Pus is a black band from Georgia that played rap one song and punk the next, and wasn't too impressed with them to begin with. I think they were aiming for a Fishbone/Jay Z blend but it all sounded like shit to me. I think their name is supposed to be "HELP US" as in "Help us get some talent, please!" or perhaps a play on words such as "Elvis" but who knows. They sucked bad.



RBF was the only band worth the time and money, and when they finally came on stage, people went nuts. Ironically enough while waiting for Reel Big Fish to play, I stood next to a REEL BIG BITCH. This chick was hella huge and was dancing around to the music and shoved me practically against the wall I was standing next to. She was there with her loser friends and think she was scoping me out on occasion although with her cock-blocking friends around I wasn't about to chat her up. Like I've said before, I'll nail a fat chick as quick as I will a thin chick, it's all good to me.

Some blonde hottie in front of me threw her bra out into the audience, and it managed to land on Aaron the lead singer's head. She got kicked out by security but came back anyways to party some more. The band was fucking around with the bra on stage for the rest of the evening and if they saw how hot this chick was that threw it up there, chances are they'd invite her back stage or something afterwards. Some asshole also threw up on stage what appeared to be some nasty boxer shorts at first, but upon closer inspection was a doo-rag with the American flag all over it. Aaron tied it on the trombone player's arm at first and then later tied it around the mike like something Steve Tyler of Aerosmith would do.

They played just about every cool song I liked to include "Ban the Tube Top" although "Dateless Losers" wasn't played. Still it's good enough anyways. I was surprised how much energy they had for playing over an hour and a half, only to play an encore performance as well. While I wouldn't categorize Reel Big Fish in the same ball park as Black Label Society in regards to having fun at a concert, overall they weren't too bad. Of course you're talking apples and oranges between the two but as many concerts as I've been to, I've learned the most important thing regardless of the music that's played is whether or not you're enjoying yourself since it's your cash that pays their bills.

The Devil's Rejects: Opening Day

Holy shit. What a COOL FUCKING FILM!!!

I attended the noon showing Matinee of The Devil's Rejects and was blown away. Rob Zombie has definitely out-done himself again. This film was 10 times more violent than House of 1000 Corpses, 10 times gorier, and 10 times more chaotic and fucked-up overall. Within the first 20 minutes, mothers were escorting their children outside the theater and within the first hour, fathers were taking their teen-age daughters out into the lobby, asking for a refund. This goes to show that the majority of parents out there are not familiar with Rob Zombie and the material he engrosses himself in, and should do their fucking homework before naively slapping down $20 for a pair of movie tickets. It has a heavy "R" rating for a reason.

Like a total Star Wars nerd, I showed up wearing a Devil's Rejects t-shirt I had purchased last week from Hot Topic. While I'm too old for the majority of the shit they sell, the occasional rock shirt or in this case movie shirt can easily appeal to my age group. Plus I betray my true age by at least 5 years since I've lost a shit load of weight and don't look like some fat bastard anymore, seriously. I'm clocking in at a slender 200 pounds down from 245 earlier this year, and have lost 8 inches off my waist. If only I put that 8 inches where it's really necessary ~! But to get back on track, I showed up 30 minutes before show time and the line was fucking long as hell. WTF? Is EVERYONE here to see the new film? Nope. It turns out the remake of the Bad News Bears starring Billy Bob Thornton had a similar show time and all these kids were clawing at the doors to get in. While I admired Billy Bob in Bad Santa, I can't see him being good material for a kid's movie, and even if he is perfect for the role, I'd rather see him cursing and drinking instead. Heh. I can easily see myself in 20 years like him in Bad Santa,and actually look forward to it.

I don't want to spoil the film for anyone out there, but I will say that the film sheds more light on the Captain Spaulding character played by Sid Haig, and the hot blonde with the big tits from Police Academy, Leslie Easterbrook, she plays the role of Mother Firefly, previously portrayed by Karen Black. What or why Karen didn't retain her role is her business, but Leslie Easterbrook does an excellent job in her stead. Also, I can see the fasincation I have with Banjo & Sullivan, the two country singers that are on the Devil's Rejects website.

Most of all, Sherri Moon Zombie, aka Baby is the main attraction. She is hella fucking hot and plays off Otis and Captain Spaulding characters extremely well. All I can say is that Rob Zombie is one lucky man to go home to that every night and would gladly trade places with him any day of the week. Hot chicks that know how to handle guns are especially cool in my book.

So listen. If you're bored this weekend or if your girlfriend is bitching that you never take her anywhere, take her to see this film. This will shut her up for the time being and chances are she won't say a word to you for the rest of the day as well, but at least you'll enjoy 1:45 of not having to listen to her bitch and whine. Granted you'll be sleeping on the couch that same night but every now and then you have to do things that remind you you're still a man.

So go out and see the film already!

First Day Out

Fucking Hell.

What's the VERY FIRST FUCKING THING I SEE when I go out this morning?

A fucking COYOTE with a DEAD CAT in its mouth, ready to make breakfast out of the fucking thing.

I shit you not.

Because I have become a quasi-religious health nut, I wake up at 5am everyday to go run and exercise and what not, and there is a college up the road from where my folks live that has an open track you can run on. I get in my car, drive up to the college, and see this fucking thing in the middle of a road with a black and white adult cat clutched in its mouth looking at me like "What the fuck is the Machine looking at me for? Is he going to steal the cat I just killed and slap its entrails on the neighbor's front porch? Or even worse, is the Machine going to reve the engine and run over both me and the fucking kitty together, making a coyote-kitty pancake on the road?"

Fuck no.

If anything, I have more respect for animals than I do most people and wouldn't hurt a creature unless it brought purpose to the end result, and not just some fucked up personal satisfaction. I know too many people who are far more deserving of getting eviscerated or ran over than some mangy canine acting on instinct. Still, it was really fucking unusual and had to write that as my first point of entry.

Now on to better things.

There was a fucking knife sale at this sporting good store and I bought a shit-load of them today, plus a new pair of running shoes. Like I've mentioned previously, I have a fascination with knives, not firearms for some reason, and bought a really fucking sweet lung-ripper of a blade. this thing actually has a smooth side and a serated side and folds ever so nicely in your pocket. There is something about having a knife in your hand that just makes a rifle or a pistol pale in comparison. Perhaps it's the fact you really have to put forth effort to use the fucking thing, whereas pulling a trigger doesn't require any real thought on your part. A heat of the moment reaction and you're up shit-creek. At least with a blade, you have to purposely stick it in someone to do damage.

I ran around everywhere today and saw more fucking hot chicks than I knew what to do. I swear, I was like a kid in a candy shop looking at all these chicks too, and most of you fuckers would probably consider them to be "ordinary" or "plain" by American standards. Well fuck you then! Go do a remote assignment or two where selections are few to none and then see how fucking gorgeous everyday women are. Unfortunately I couldn't get two words out to form a complete sentence and looked like a total fuck hole when talking to them today. Perhaps in a week or so when I assimilate back into American society I will know how to behave and engage in conversation.

The biggest thing that pisses me off about living in Southern California are the current gasoline prices. Jeezus Fucking Christ, it cost me damn near $40 to fill my car up today. WTF. We have at our fingertips one of the richest oil-producing countries in the WORLD and yet those corporate kidney thieves at Halliburton are raping our wallets still. Fucking assholes. I hope you all get caught in some huge scandal like Enron and get fucking fired from your jobs. Fuck you all. The homeless piece of shit guy on the street is an upstanding citizen compared to you ass flakes since he's only robbing people out of nickles and dimes versus billions and billions of dollars. I wouldn't piss on your backs if you were on fire.

Anycase back to the whole hot chick thing. I hope my eyes don't decieve me and some hottie I meet at the mall or whatever turns out to be jail bait. That would be bad. Very bad. Two things the Machine doesn't do is jail bait and date rape. Everything else is negotiable as long as you're over the age of consent and infection free.

Homeward Bound

Holy shit.

I finally made it home to San Diego yesterday after a gruelling flight to LAX and an annoying train ride full of freaks and misfits on the SeaLiner Express. While the Japanese and European train systems are the pinnacle of stream-lined efficiency, the Southern California Railway system is disheveled and a bureaucratic cluster-fuck, despite having an overhaul 5 years ago. Some fat bastard selling me the train ticket said it's required that everyone present a valid form of ID for "Homeland Security reasons" despite the fact there are hundreds of miles of unprotected railway and thousands of miles of unprotected border any group of bad guys could easily take advantage of. Instead of arguing with him for simply doing his job, I explained that I've ridden the Bullet Train in Japan numerous times without having such a hassle, and that the Koreans are exposed to a real threat and are still low-key when it comes to ID checks, and how my first impression being on mainland soil after 5 years is that people are simply over-reacting. He looked at me, handed me my ticket, and returned my ID card with a military discount of $3. What a bargain.

Los Angeles is now the epitome of urban decay. Just like Philadelphia, Baltimore, or Richmond, LA has seen better days and now the place is a stronghold for vermin of all sorts. Traveling on the way down to San Diego, I saw a bunch of Messican dudes spray painting a wall in broad day light. What the fuck. It's bad enough there's a shit load of graffiti everywhere, but to catch these fuckers red-handed is something else. The problem is so bad the city no longer bothers painting over the shit either since it's a waste of money and it's like giving an artist a fresh canvas to start over with. Seeing this shit really disgusts me to think I defend these fuckers to deface the country and people I make sacrifices for. Fucking assholes. This is the reason why I love Japan so much - it's 10 times cleaner and people take pride in their community - you will NEVER see bars on windows of houses in these neighborhoods since crime is virtually non-existant. I hate the fucking ghetto and I hate the fucking barrio.

San Diego on the other hand has just grown like fucking crazy too. Half the shit that's been built I no longer recognize and there's a shit load of new road work out there I need to familiarize myself with also. I didn't think a city could grow that quickly in 5 years but it has. My sister took me out last night to do some grocery shopping and it shocked the shit outta me how expensive groceries are too. Someone put my ass on welfare please! Uncle Sam certainly doesn't pay us shit back in the States.

Speaking of reconstruction, my folks are getting the house remodeled, and everything has been moved into the garage, including my bed. A dream come true. I get to live out here like the deviant I am, and need to start watching late night porn to truly appreciate the experience. I also need to go to Toys R Us, buy a shit load of Star Wars action figures, put them all in a giant plastic bag and huff those fuckers for an instant head rush. I used to sniff Jawas when I was 6 years old and could swear I got addicted to the smell of polyeurythane. I'm just glad I never got kinky in junior high and shove R2-D2 up my ass to see what it would feel like. I could see explaining it to my folks and to the E.R. staff why it is I have the head of Boba Fett stuck up my ass as they prepare me for x-rays and prompt surgical removal. Fuck. I'll take a photo and show people how sinister the place looks.

I know I keep talking about posting pictures but my Dad sucks and won't let me jack in my laptop to the LAN connection until the workers are done putting down new floor, and for some reason my Wi-Fi doesn't communicate properly with his set-up. Considering he is the God of Computer Trouble-Shooting, I was surprised when he couldn't configure a proper setting to have it all work together. Fucking whatever. It should be soon enough the new floors are done and everything gets moved back to where it belongs. Does this mean I have to move out of the garage too?

An open letter to the Airline Companies

Dear Airline Companies,

Hello. You don't know me. I am known simply as "The Machine" and I will keep it that way. Anything else is pointless and otherwise a waste of time and chances are you wouldn't give two shits anyways if I turned out to be some MIT geek with a 6 figure income salary that just discovered the cure for herpes.

Instead, I write you all an open letter, so please feel free to correspond. Chances are you won't but still, for shits n' grins purposes I say this. Just like that dude from "Nice People Suck", I believe it is high time these issues become addressed. I will write this out in plain, simple English, so there are no misunderstandings or miscommunications your legalese lawyers like to twist around and conjugate. Fuck that. Instead, you're getting the writing of a 5th grade Elementary school education, so if it sounds overly stupid, I am doing it to match wits with your CEOs.

First of all - make a separate compartment for families to fly in from the rest of the passengers. Divide the plane in half and put families in the back and people traveling single in the front. Do away with First Class or Business Class or whatever the horseshit is called and keep it simple. You fuckers are going to pack us in like sardines regardless, so get rid of the silly notion that more money brings better service.

After dividing the plane in half with equal seating in both sections, place sound-proof reinforced glass directly in the center so we don't have to listen to all those goddamned infants and toddlers throw those fucking temper tantrums, and we can travel in peace and quiet. My flight from Narita Tokyo to LAX was over 9 hours and I did not get a wink of sleep on account of some precocious 2 year old sitting behind me crying every 15 fucking minutes. Jeezus Fucking Christ you pricks need to fly some time with some brat screaming in your ear. The shit gets old quick, and no ear plugs or headphones loud enough can drown out the cries of a fussy toddler.

Secondly - get better movie selections. The re-run of "Friends" that has been shown for the 53rd time this week is not funny nor entertaining. My favorite part of the show is when the series got canceled, and don't want to be reminded of how much of a suck-ass actor Matt LeBlanc is. He's irritating, and your selection of "Family Entertainment" is irritating. "Robots" my ass. I ended up watching "Spider Man 2" on my Sony PSP in order to avoid watching that crap, and still that goddamned 2 year old ruined that too. Get some cool shows instead like Monster Truck racing or 2 hour programs on the world's worst airline crashes. Include cut-scenes of trauma victims, decapitations, and carnage galore. That way you know people will take that obnoxious safety briefing seriously for a change.

Thirdly and finally - get some flight attendants that aren't past their prime. While the hottie that was serving me looked like the Queen of the Mile High club with the lights dimmed, once normal cabin lighting was turned on again, I thought I had seen The Bride of Frankenstein. Fucking Christ, is it too much to ask you to spend the extra $1.75 an hour on wages and get a former Penthouse model to work the cabin instead of Brunehilda the Merciless serving water and pretzels with a broad sword in one hand while sporting a 5 o'clock shadow? This woman was so huge it took her two trips to haul ass, and the fact her hair-do resembled an animal biting its leg off to escape does not instill customer satisfaction on my part either. And for the record, yes we know all the male flight attendants are gay. You might as well hire the fucking Village People and require them to wear matching pink cardigan sweaters and jogging outfits, it can't be any more blatant. Richard Simmons could be your H.R. advisor.

I hate flying. But I also hate taking a boat or sitting in the car for extended periods of time, so until Captain Kirk learns to teleport us from Your Anus, I have no choice but to stick with flying as my primary means of transportation. Perhaps someone like Mr Garrison from South Park will develop an "IT" cycle and force you fuckers to really focus on the customer's needs and wants instead of sitting smugly behind your coporate desks, smoking a big blue cigar while stoking the fire place with $100 bills as your company profits soar from our hard earned money. Chances are your wife doesn't need another Botox injection anyways and your kids' therapist is really a hack prescribing placebos anyways.

Sincerely,

Machine

Goodbye Japan

I really hate leaving Japan. This country is so kick-ass it really sucks having to go back to the States knowing I will never return here.

I went out last night and went to the opening of Star Wars Episode III here in Tokyo. The theater was packed but none of the fucking Star Wars nerds were out in full regalia. I like the fact the Jedi get their asses kicked. Fuck you, all you goddamned fan-boys! Afterwards I had some Yakisoba and watched Japanese porn in my hotel. It's not as good as good old American porn but like I was making fun of the Korean porn, the chicks are hotter and you see what's going on. The funniest fucking thing I saw last night was a lesbian 3-way. Too humorous.

So now I am sitting at Narita International just waiting to catch my flight. It's going to be a goddamned 10 hour flight to LAX but not as brutal as flying there straight from Seoul - that's 13 hours and fuck if I'm going to be stuck in a confined area for that long with a bunch of foul-smelling kimchi eating people. Fuck that. I just hope I don't get stuck next to any screaming kids or annoying old people today - I had some old annoying woman sit behind me on the train ride up and wanted to slap her Kamikaze-style she just wouldn't shut the fuck up. Thankfully she got off the train on the next stop with her husband. Her tits were dragging the floor.

Perhaps I will be able to return to Japan in the future, but let's see how Germany and the rest of Europe fair before I decide to pull chocks and head back to this side of the planet. PACAF in general is no longer fun, as I've mentioned previously and I'm not about to return to being treated like a red-headed stepchild if I don't have to. I'm getting too old for that shit.

So, see yah guys once I get to the other side of the pond.

Last Day in Tokyo

So after being worn out from yesterday's escapade with Olga the Russian hottie, I am going to take it easy and chill out. I fly out tomorrow from Narita and dread the fucking 10 hour flight or whatever it is back to the States. I have prepared myself with music to listen to, as well as my PSP when those awful kids movies they show start to get on my nerves and I need the distraction.

For the most part I've been really glad to be back in Japan, even for a little bit but sadly know this is my last time here which is why I've downplayed it so much. Tokyo has always been kick-ass and awesome to party in, but PACAF has become an irritant and is no longer fun to be a part of. Too many rules, too much bullshit, and the return just isn't paying off. Perhaps I will return here as a civilian or otherwise but for the remainder of my time in the military, I had best stick to Europe or someplace Stateside like DC or Nellis (Vegas) where I can get lost easily and nobody will give me shit for showing my true colors.

I have some Yen burning a hole in my pocket and there is still the other Hard Rock Cafe in Ueno (Central Tokyo) that I need to go visit. Good times, good times.

See you guys in a day or two.

Japan Part 2

I love the Shibuya part of Tokyo.

Yesterday I wandered around this Freak Capital just soaking in the atmosphere. It's the same place I caught the Black Label Society concert back in May, for both nights. I love the fact I can run around this place and not worry about the stiffs and corporate assholes thumbing their nose at me, or worse, other Americans giving me dirty looks on account I'm wearing a death metal shirt.

Which comes to the next topic. I found this KICK-ASS store that sells death metal clothing. Sorry, no photos. The Japanese chick that runs the place spoke really good English and had a photo album full of every band she has ever seen live, which was alot. She had everyone in there from Iron Maiden to Slayer and even had a photo of herself and Kerry King. Now how fucking cool is that? She also had a kick-ass selection of shirts that I couldn't find either on-line or anywhere else, but they were a little pricey. I figured WTF - where else am I going to find them? Bite the bullet and pay the extra difference in Yen. I bought a Slayer shirt, Venom, KFK Industries and a Nile shirt. If you know anything about these bands then you're already hella cool in my book. If not, go to Google or whatever and visit their homepages to find out more. Especially Nile.

Mailed a bunch of shit out today so I can travel lighter. It was my original intention anyways to do this and was banking on the New Sanno's Postal service as a means of making it happen. I hate having to lug all sorts of shit with me from Point A to Point B, yet vacationing sucks when you don't have some of the creature comforts you're accustomed to.

Tonight I'm going to go out and party some more. Suppose to meet the Russian chick for lunch - her name is Olga and called her yesterday to have her meet me at the Hard Rock Cafe. Of course we all know what's REALLY going to happen, so no need to elaborate. Let's just hope she doesn't decide to ditch my ass at the last second, otherwise I'll just have to get drunk with total strangers instead.

Hard Rock Cafe - Tokyo

If anyone here has paid attention to my postings from May, I threw up a photo of the Hard Rock Cafe here in Tokyo. Go look and see for yourself in the archives. The place just fucking rocks.

What slays me is how many fucking retarded people go to this place and think they're cool. You know the type - the young business type that reeks of corporate fresh car smell and wouldn't know good music if it were a Marshall amplifier landing on top of them at an Ozzy concert. Just like Vegas, they think by coming here in their business suits or worse - their fucking Docker pants and Birkenstocks, that they're rebelling against "The Man" when they buy a tye-dye HRC shirt or a baseball cap.

Fucking wankers.

To me, it's more than just a passing fad. If you're going to "live" the part, then goddammit LOOK the part. I was the only person in there last night, aside from the staff that looked like he belonged there. Like I was stepping out of a fucking rock video or from some place back stage. Nothing fancy or faggy looking - just black lounge wear and a silver chain, hair spiked. Sitting across from me was some corporate asshole and his wife/girlfriend that looked 10 years his junior kept talking while glancing over at me periodically. To my right was some Pakistani guy conversing with some Canadian fag over more pointless corporate bullshit too. PLEASE PEOPLE. TALK ABOUT DRINKING, PUSSY, OR FUCKING MUSIC. THAT IS WHAT ROCK STARS AND PEOPLE IN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY TALK ABOUT.

The only reason why I haven't truly given up on the Hard Rock Cafe is because people like Zakk Wylde go there all the time when he comes to Tokyo. Because Zakk IS a rock star, I look at it as his official endorsement of the place, and believe me if you've ever met the man, he's a fucking BERSERKER that won't settle for anything remotely pussified or faggadocious. Luckily for me I got hammered on a pitcher of beer and met a hot Russian Chick that let me do all sorts of foul nasty things to her that I won't go into detail here. If it's one thing I love about the Russians, they're not the moralistic P.C. femin-nazis their American counterparts are. Come to think of it - I should just quit wasting time with American women all together and go for a Russian or European babe. I'll gladly let some American chick prove me wrong on this anytime.

It's been a while since I've been to any of the HRC in the States but I'm hoping people there aren't as lame as the people I saw last night. If so, I just need to quit going to these places all together.

Hanzel Und Gretyl

Hanzel und Gretyl rock. And they rock hard! I first read about them in OutBurn Magazine and picked them up on a whim when I was in Hawaii last year.

They're a techno-metal band similar to KMFDM - they sing most of their songs in German with a smattering of English here and there. Songs like "Third Reich from the Sun" and "SS Death Star Super-Galactick" will have you out of your chair jamming maniacally a la air-guitar style or banging your head to the beat as you sit stuck in rush hour traffic.

I detect a slight hint of Lords of Acid and a dash of Rammstein in this lost 80's recipe for industrial music, mixed just right. Pre-heat your CD player to 325 degrees, let cook for 45 minutes or until lightly brown and cool 5 minutes before serving.

Great for Bar Mitzvahs, wedding anniversaries, high school graduations, First Communions and all snuff-film soundtracks.

Japan Part 1

I left Korea on Sunday finally and had the chance to finally wipe the filth off from that place in a desperately needed cleansing of beer, pizza, and good times with friends back at Misawa. I only stayed just 2 days and took care of the "business" I mentioned previously. It fucking rained the entire time I was up there so I didn't get to burn the Daruma Doll like I wanted. Instead, I reached a happy medium and dropped it off at the local cemetary and placed it in the hand of a Buddhist statue. The local priests, if they're not a bunch of hacks, will know what to do with it although chances are they will most likely throw the fucking thing away first chance they get. Sanctimonious Assholes.

I am now back in Tokyo once more. I was going to go out tonight and party but I am so fucking wiped out, Hard Rock Cafe and the titty bars will have to wait until tomorrow night. Fuck if I'm going to fall asleep while getting a lap dance! I'll fuck around here these next few days with really nothing on my agenda, other than just taking it easy before returning to the US. I knew some of you fuckers were wanting to hear I made it safely out of Korea, or were hoping the plane had crashed (sorry to disappoint) but either way, here's more for you to chew on.

I hope you guys all had a happy 4th of July weekend since the majority of people have never done time in the military and have no concept of what it's like to make sacrifices for the good of the nation. For the few of you out there that have gone the distance, if you're anywhere in Southern California, drop me a line and let's throw down some brews. America's #1 baby. Fuck the rest.

Korean Porn Sucks

Jeezus Fucking Christ.

I thought Japanese porn was horrible because they digitize (read:block out) anything below the waist area, yet you can still tell if the girl is giving the dude a beej or not, and there's ALWAYS a money shot at the end.

Not with Korean Porn.

With Korean Porn, the actors look like they're not even doing it, and anything below the waistline gets a giant DOT blocking out the entire nether region, with absolutely NOTHING for the mind to play with. Not only that, but there is NEVER a money shot at the end. WTF is this shit?

The reason why I comment about this is because the hotel I am staying at has a porn channel you can tune in and watch. Come to think of it, the girls aren't all that good looking either, and usually I like 'em slutty and trashy. The sluttier and trashier the better, but these girls are just plain UGLY looking, no matter how you cut 'em.

Goddammit I need some good old American porn - HARDCORE. I'll have to wait another week before I hit the States and can go chill out at F Street Books in downtown San Diego. It's the ultimate in porn shops - classy enough to attract all walks of life but still seedy enough to take dollars for the viewing booths. Since my folks are the fucked-up 1950's Leave it to Beaver types, I have to play it just right. Getting some ass has proved challenging in the past as well, which is why I keep the numbers of nearby hotels handy just in case. Fuck if I'm going to drag a chick home and have to deal with their shit.

Weekend Downtime

So I made it up to Osan yesterday after a harrowing bus ride through torrential downpour rains. Jeezus Christ. It was like the gods of Kunsan lamented my final departure by opening the heavens and releasing their wrath. The Koreans said it was the beginning of the monsoon season here, but from what I remember that usually doesn't hit until August/September time frame. Whatever.

I said good-bye to a few people before getting on the bus to make it up here. Sith Master bid me a fond adieu and said jokingly I was now a Sith Lord and no longer a Padwan in training. The light saber had been passed, and that I would have a Padwan of my own to mentor in due time. I felt that with Melanie I was mentoring a Padwan of my own, only I taught her everything I knew about the "Light Side" of Life. It had definitely been a while since I had recalled such knowledge, but it was what she needed to hear which is why I used such counsel with her. Even now I still reflect on the time we shared and wonder whether or not it did any good. While I would like to think so, the little demon inside my head says it was an overall waste, and that little demon is rarely ever wrong. I still have yet to hear from her now that she is in the States for 2 months, and know she will never write me for anything. Then again she was always selfish like that.

Today I'm going up to Youngsan one last time to fuck around there and see stuff. Tonight will be an early night for me since I have to catch a bus first thing at 6am to the airport. I'll get everything packed and ready to go before then, and won't start my partying until I reach Japan. This place, even with more freedom than Kunsan, is still restrictive. Mom and Dad are still watching you.

Goodbye Kunsan