Do it.....FOR JOHNNY!

Listen kids, it's rare that I fucking come on to this blog and plug some kind of product or do some kind of unpaid advertising unless I feel that strongly about it. I figure you get bombarded by the media on a daily basis to buy shit you don't really need, from the moment you wake up in the morning until you go to bed at night. In this case, this is where I feel strongly enough to make such a sales pitch. Enter Johnny Ryan. I met this dude last year at the San Diego Comic-Con. I was wandering around this cluster-fuck of gaggling nerds and fat men dressed up like space aliens when I found the booth he was renting. Something was going on to where he wanted to leave and take care of something but I interrupted him and bothered the dude for like 10 minutes. Instead of telling me to fuck off, he patiently listened to me explain how glad I was to meet him and how much I enjoyed what he did for a living. I shook his hand and went on my way, leaving him to take care of the urgent business that was calling him. When I was in high school - about 14 or 15 or whatever, I got into the comic book scene for a while. I would read shit like Groo the Wanderer and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before it became a stupid cartoon and spawned 3 horrible movies. I was facinated with the amount of detail involved and how cleverly put together the humor was. I lost interest in it when I discovered masturbation and from there, PORN. Anycase, about 10 or so years later when I was stationed at Andrews, I became interested again in comic books for some reason. For a while there I was fascinated with Bob Fingerman and the work of Robert Crumb but the University of Maryland book store only carried a limited selection so I didn't stick with it for long. Fast-forward to 2003. I go to Washington DC and stay at the Georgetown University Medical Center for medical testing, all the way from Japan. They wanna see if I am a potential match for some dude dying of leukemia or some shit, so I figure it's a free ride back to the States. I go into some college book store and stumble across Porta-Johnny, a collection of his better work. I fall in love with it instantly and read it non-stop while I'm there getting needles drilled into my ass. I even take it with me to Korea where there isn't shit to do except drink and get court-martialed, and it keeps my sanity in check. I figure since Johnny Ryan kept me outta trouble, I owe it to the guy to plug his merchandise here and to tell you fuckers about the cool shit he has for sale. Click on the link to the right for Angry Youth Comics to get a sample of his artwork and the style of his humor. Believe me, he's right on the money with what he does. Have you done it yet? Good. Now, click on this link to go see what's up for grabs. Johnny Ryan's Collective Art The picture of the cat using a telescope to watch rats fuck in the poor people's house is a real hoot! There's another pic of a black dude pointing to a telephone reciever and shouting "Yo! That shit's off da hook!". My fave has to deal with a certain "person" and a vacuum cleaner. I'll letchoo figure that one out. The bottom line kids is that if you're a celebrity, underground or otherwise, and you're cool with me, I will go to no end to promote your shit. A simple act of kindness goes a long way in my book and like I keep saying all the time - YOU GET THE MACHINE YOU DESERVE. Now hurry up and pay the man already.

Educated Horses

What. The. Fuck. More importantly I should be asking what the fuck is Rob Zombie thinking with this new album of his? He's gone SOFT on us all! Jeezus Fucking Christ! I picked up the CD today from the Vogelweh BX and thought I had lucked out since it was the last one on the shelf and could hardly wait to take it back to work so I could crank the fucker up and scare everyone out of my office. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ~ ! Well I couldn't be further from the truth. As soon as I get back, I tear apart the cheap plastic shrink-wrap and throw it in to my computer and turn up the speakers on my POS government computer to get.......THIS. The MISSING GODDAMNED ALLMAN BROTHER. I mean what the fuck, over? Dude, you do NOT KNOW how DISAPPOINTED I was to hear this piece of shit CD. Ever since Revolver Magazine mentioned that a new CD was going to come out this year back in January, I've been eagerly anticipating its release. It's all mellow with the exception of one or two songs. It sounds like he's taken the whole 70's thing way too far and now he's even trying write a 70's album. It was cool with House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects. If you've ever read any of the comic books Rob Zombie has illustrated such as The Nail, you'll know that he's really a Groovy Ghoulie at heart but fuck me running! Has getting married to Sherry Moon turned him into some kind of undead wuss? I should've known something was up when the album cover is a dead give away since he looks "normal" for a change. This is like being stuck with a PG-13 version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre or something. It's HORRIBLE. Rob Zombie owes all his fans a huge apology on this one. I don't know what the fuck he was thinking, but someone else that I used to enjoy listening to did the same thing: THIS FAGGOT. I was equally disappointed when BECK pulled this shit on his listeners too with his Sea Changes album. What happens? His girlfriend dumps his ass and we end up having to pay the price for it. 70 minutes of whining and kvetching and fucking no rest for the wicked. PLEASE - someone give him a razor blade next time he becomes this way and you'll do us all a favor. I mean, Radiohead really gets on my fucking nerves, but this album really takes the cake! When I was stationed in Japan, he toured Tokyo in 2002 and NO WAY was I going to see him in concert after him pulling that bullshit. I don't care how good a performer is live, when you cross that line with me, I won't go out of my way to see you. I've crossed oceans to see Black Label Society perform live because Zakk Wylde is that fucking good! He gets his audience pumped and doesn't drone on about his problems. Listen Beck, if you're reading this blog - write your fucking cry-baby songs and keep those private - even the strongest weep, but only when nobody is around. Goddammit - I don't want to pay my hard earned cash to listen to your fucking therapy session - I wanna party, have a good time, and forget about all the bullshit on my mind for the moment. Midnight Vultures was the shit and I played that to no end! You as an entertainer have that responsibility to your audience, and the same goes for you too Mr Rob Starkey. None of this fucking mellow shit! Luckily for Beck, I view Guero as his apology for making us endure his shit during his Prozac shortage. Next time switch to Zoloft and you'll regain your balance. Anycase not to chase a rabbit, but after hearing the CD once I put it back in its jewel case and let Zhombie borrow it to listen for the weekend, I was that pissed. Listen kids, unless you're in a mellow 70's kinda mood, skip Educated Horses all together. The one or two kick ass songs don't make up for the rest of the crap. If marriage makes a hard-core Satanist like Rob Zombie become Mr Mellow Yellow, then forget it - I'll stick to beer and porn.

Shut up and Color

Today I was about to go talk directly to my commander how Wonder Woman is such a royal fucking idiot, but at the last second was 'requested' by my supe to go talk with our captain first. Okay whatever. The military has this chain of command thing for a reason and I suppose that it wouldn't hurt. I don't wanna get my ass burned by these fuckers so I'll do things formally just so I can say I gave the system a chance only to still fail anyways. So I decide to go talk with my captain about this bullshit. I show her the rosters that are made as well as the previous rosters where I pulled stand-by on New Year's holiday and now 4th of July weekend and even the e-mail Wonder Woman wrote to my boss essentially telling me I was S.O.L. Well, to make a long story short, my captain is just as worthless as Wonder Woman is, and here's why: Despite having ample evidence before her eyes, she told me that "this is the way it is" and to essentially shut up and color. Despite the fact she agrees with me (what the fuck - run that by me again?) that it's not fair, she's not going to do a goddamned thing about it. Of course she'll discuss this next week in the morning meeting with everyone but she didn't mince words whatsoever when we were behind closed doors. Her reasoning was that it's "so difficult" to make the roster for stand-by *coughbullshitcough* that the details aren't what's important. What IS important is that the squares get filled up and so long as everything looks good on paper, that's all that matters. She also threw in some bullshit how she didn't think it was right for the new people to pull stand-by when they just get here, despite the fact I did it within a month and a half of arriving to Ramstein. Well, after I got an earful of that (she can talk forever thereby using misdirection to her advantage) I told her that I was still going to elevate things to my colonel, only that I would still let her "take care of things at her level" out of respect for her rank. I don't even have to guess because I've been playing this game for so long, as to what's going to happen next. She's going to get all the senior leadership around and paint some fucked up picture about me to everyone, telling them how "deviant" and "subversive" I am for not letting this thing drop. Despite the fact I was a complete gentleman when talking with her and didn't so much as to raise my voice or behave in any way inappropriately, she will make me out to being some type of office bad guy. It's happened before and it's going to happen again, unless I either leave the military all together, or I just remove my nuts, lay down, and let them walk all over me. Well kids that ain't gonna happen. Nope. The Machine don't play that. I've taken way too many beatings to give up now and I've stood my ground through the worst of storms to still come out in one piece. I do have a trick up my sleeve and will shortly put the shoe on the other foot. DORK as it turns out, has back-up standby one week and primary stand-by the very next, and said something to our boss about that too. I've even gone so far as to convince him he needs to convince Ms Brain-Dead to say something about it also since she's pulling two holidays as well. One thing I learned from all my beatings is that if you get enough of the peons pissed to where they will say something in unison, you're practically untouchable. Leadership won't burn you since all eyes will be on them, and you walk home a hero that day. Providing I can pull that off, I won't have to resort to the black candles and burnt parchment. So now the waiting part begins.

More Wonder Woman

Well the bullshit didn't end yesterday. Today I am told that I am going to keep my original stand-by plans and tough-titty for the kitty. According to Wonder Woman she's not going to give anyone consideration when making the schedule out, simply because she's more concerned with making the dates fit. This is complete horse shit because when I was in Korea, I had to make the stand-by schedule and I made certain I paid attention to who worked a holiday or a 3-day weekend. If for some reason I fucked up and made a mistake, I admitted it was my fault and corrected the sitch right away. Well it turns out she fucked over two other people - females - so it's not like I can claim sexual harassment or anything. The first female planned leave time out months in advance since her folks were coming to visit in Germany during the holiday season timeframe, and Wonder Woman still stuck her on-call. When this was brought to her attention, she pulled the same bullshit stunt saying it wasn't her responsibility to correct it. The second person has two holidays/3-day weekends similar to me, only she doesn't have the spine or the mental capacity to speak up about this from what I can gather. Well I've been fucked over too many times by previous superintendents and my time in Korea has taught me to push back, but to do so smartly. I need to get my ducks in a row first before I elevate this. Get my documentation straight and confirm what's been said and done. If she's gone so far as to fuck 3 people over without so much a care in the world, whose to say she won't continue doing it? Yes, it's true I hate my co-workers and love to see them suffer, but when the shit includes me too, that's when I have to take care of myself, even if it means doing something good for those asswads in the process. So the message I've recieved from all of this so far is that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm Johnny-on-the-Spot with shit and have never busted a suspense for her - she'll still walk over me anyways. Had she simply acknowledged the mistake and made amends, it would'nt get elevated and become yet another stain on her record. Believe me kids, she's been scrutinized by top leadership already and this is going to be yet another hash mark. She had her chance but she blew it.

Wonder Woman

I've mentioned my superintendent here a time or two before but today she did some shit that really pissed me off. Bad. As you recall, I was on stand-by over St. Patrick's Day weekend. No booze. No fun. And I even got called in to work which justifies my being sober. I figure it's not a problem since we all gotta pay our dues every now and then and having to work a 3 day weekend is no big deal - providing everyone takes their turn. Well that didn't happen. Today Wonder Woman (as I refer to her because I wonder how in the hell she got to her position of leadership) passed out the stand-by schedule for the next 3 months and my retarded ass was on duty for the 4th of July weekend. So, I went to talk to her directly about this, asking if this was an oversight on her part. It was, but she said she wasn't too concerned since according to her "I don't really drink all that much". I told her that I should still have that option and it's not cool to stick someone on a double like that when there are plenty of people in the shop who have never pulled a stand-by on a holiday before. She used some bullshit excuse saying it wasn't her responsibility to find me a replacement, and that St. Patrick's Day isn't considered a holiday. I gave her a dead-pan look as if "oh, so you don't consider the Irish to be a recognized ethnic group" and cut myself short of telling her to go fuck off. Instead I said that since we have a bunch of new people coming to Germany that one of them should ante up and pay their dues by taking the weekend duty instead. "Well that's not going to happen. It wouldn't be FAIR to them. They wouldn't have enough time to get settled in" she concluded. "Just deal with it". Motherfucker. I was here not even a month and a half before I had my first standby duty. I was back up (secondary) but still my ass didn't know Ramstein from a hole in the ground and already they tagged me with that responsibility. Talk about double-standards. What ultimately pisses me off is how every little goddamned thing Wonder Woman has asked me to do, I've always done it and have never busted a suspsense. My word has been money in the bank and my actions have backed it up time and again. If this is the way she's going to repay my efforts then FUCK HER and the horse she rode in on. I am reluctant to cast stones at people above me. I know what it's like to lead subordinates and to have a thankless job. But every time I've had a good troop go above and beyond I've always rewarded them one way or another, and I've always shown consideration when they've requested something I could help them with. Apparently she's forgotten (or just plain doesn't care) how her people view her, as it's obvious in her actions. Next time Wonder Woman wants me to do something for her, I'll simply tell her I'm too busy and that she will have to find someone else to do it. After all it's not my responsibility to find a replacement.

Banana Peels

If it's one thing I hate in this world, it's bananas.

They stink when you peel them and after you eat them, you get this disgusting after-taste that you burp up for the rest of the day. Let a banana peel sit out in the hot sun and the stench is unbearable - this disgustingly sweet pungent odor that makes me wanna hurl worse than being stuck on the Number 8 Kunsan bus when it's full of hot, sweaty Koreans that had just finished eating garlic and kimchi. I discovered early as a child my disgust with this fruit and avoid anything remotely connected to it.

So it seems that no matter where I go, there's always some ass-bag I work with who loves to eat these goddamned things, and then throw them in my garbage can just before walking away. It doesn't matter if this person has a foreknowledge of my disdain or not, they do it subconsciously.

Today my supervisor did that to me at work. She peeled a banana and then threw the fucking peel in my trash can. I was fucking pissed. I had yelled at Enrique previously not to do such shit, and automatically assumed it was him upon discovering this putrid thing within the vicinity of my desk space. A co-worker I'll call "Cletus" said it wasn't him but it was my boss instead. So, I swapped out garbage cans and then gave her shit about it when I saw her next.

When I was stationed in Japan, it seemed my co-workers there loved to taunt me with the shit. At first I would tell them to knock it off, only they found it funny and continued to do it. So, I upped the ante at first by swapping out the garbage cans as already mentioned, and when that didn't work, went to more serious methods to get my point across. One time I took the banana peel out of the garbage can and put it on the fucker's keyboard and then walked back off to resume what I was doing (surfing the net and fucking off). He threw the fucking peel back at me, and then I knew it was on. The very next time he did it, I took the peel and placed it on his bald fucking head as he was working at his desk and stormed off. You fucking push my buttons, and I smash yours. Fair is fair.

The Dead Milkmen wrote a song about smoking banana peels ages ago. Allegedly some assholes at Berkley discovered trace amounts of THC inside the banana peel and every stoner and brain-fried hippy alike thought they could get enough if they dried them out and ground them into a powder form, thinking since bananas are a legal substance there would be no recourse. Of course this was complete bullshit but at the time people were actually convinced it could work. Yet another reason why I hate bananas. (Dammit why couldn't God give us a fucking break from these fuck-wit bureaucrats and law-enforcers?)

Anycase the bottom line is that I will never eat banana pudding or a banana split or any kind of mixed drink or candy or whatever. I hate everything about bananas (with the exception of watching a hot chick do a banana trick) and if all the banana crops in the world were mysteriously wiped out overnight, I'd party like a fucking rock star. Yes, I am that lame but fuck you - I don't care!

Spring Cleaning

Today I woke up earlier than usual - I had been out all night partying and didn't get a normal night's rest from the alcohol and the Daylight Savings Time change that happened. Instead of laying around in bed all day I figure I'll do some Spring Cleaning and get my dump of a dwelling looking nice. I have family coming to visit in May and figure now's the perfect time to start making arrangements. Old Clothes - I had a shit load of old clothes. From t-shirts to uniforms, I figure whatever it is I'm not going to wear to toss in the dumpster or try selling it at a second-hand store. I saw one yesterday in Kaiserslautern that might be interested. Old Books - I have a ton of these too. For the most part they're old video game magazines and have been recycling them, however the occasional copy of Hustler or Penthouse is worth holding on to, providing the pages don't stick. The great thing about porn is that it's timeless no matter what decade you're in. Old CD's - Music is my life. I've got this huge CD collection from when I was 18 and most of the shit I no longer listen to. Of course there are alot of early 90's bands that sound like shit to me now, and wonder what it was I was thinking at the time I bought their music. Although.....compared to what's out there now, they sound 10 times better and perhaps I'm not going to be so quick to sell them on E-Bay or whatever. Old Video Games - By far the biggest collection I have. I still have my original Atari 2600 from being a kid but yet I never play it. It's worth too much to toss in the garbage or sell in my opinion, but I've outgrown the games ages ago. I'll still pull out my Super Nintendo and give it a go occasionally but for the most part I'm stuck on my X-Box and PS2. Old DVDs - While not as numerous as my video game collection, I still have a shitload of these I no longer watch. I've got half the mind to get rid of these, although with family coming to visit, I figure they're a perfect life-saver. I don't have satellite TV since I'm not home during most of the week, and having an already made collection will keep people pacified while I'm at work or out and about taking care of shit. I started doing some cleaning last year when I first arrived to Germany although the winter and school quickly cut into that. Fuck if I was going to freeze my ass off tearing through boxes and shit. Now with the weather turning better I figure I can get off my ass and take care of business. I'm starting to go out more and if I can find some dumb German chick to nail on a Friday/Saturday night, don't wanna bring her back to my place and it looks like shit. Frankly, I don't even want to bring her back to my place to begin with, but yah gotta go somewhere if she doesn't wanna take me to her place. Eh, whatever. At least this way I can kill a rainy Sunday afternoon without having to get off my ass and go somewhere. Should be fun.

Dog Shit Water Balloons

I've been pissed off all week at the asshole drivers here in the local area and think it's high time I do something about it. I'm not going to do anything harmful or outright malicious but I will leave a mark if necessary, and I've devised the perfect idea for a weapon.


The Dog Shit Water Balloon


When you were a kid, what were the two most things you were just amazed by? Every time your dog Sparky took a dump in the backyard, you had to go clean it up with a pooper-scooper, and every time you went to go play with your friends on a hot summer day, someone would break out a water balloon eventually and lob it at someone. So why not put 2 + 2 together and make the ultimate prank weapon?

Think about it.

Dog shit has universal application - from doing the "flaming bag of poo" on your front neighbor's doorstep to stepping in it accidentally and tracking it all around your house, it's a substance which has truly yet to be exploited. Just as George Washington Carver devised over 100 uses for the common peanut, yes I, The Machine, will devote my life's work to perfecting an exhaustive study to this truly underappreciated jack-of-all-trades substance. I figure if I can combine equal parts of water and dog turd together to form a liquified mass, I can fill a water balloon with it and use it on some unsuspecting douchebag who cuts me off in traffic next time. Of course I would have to make sure I'm wearing the proper equipment (gloves, goggles, disposable overcoat) as to avoid any accidental discharges, thereby getting splattered.

Since this is extremely low-budget funding, I should be able to pull something like this off. Party balloons usually cost 99 cents a bag, and I think there are a few dog owners I've seen in my village who don't scoop up the dog shit when they're out for a stroll. I've got a tool shed of sorts I can use as a make-shift lab where I can tool about in privacy. If and when I become successful I'll show everyone my handywork here on the blog!



Besides it beats pissing in someone's gas tank and getting caught.

It's Back On

Yep, my German class recieved the minimum amount of people necessary to be conducted, so I am looking forward to starting up again come Monday. I went to the Maryland Campus bookstore yesterday and purchased the materials. There's the text book, work book, audio CDs and DVDs you can watch to go along with the lesson plan. I tried using the DVDs from the first book only they didn't work at all. Then again I bought my shit used from a prior student so perhaps something happened to them before hand. I really need to get out and practice speaking German too. For the most part I hate people and I'm anti-social and I'm content just keeping to myself, but I need to make an attempt if I want to openly communicate. I usually read the lyrics to KMFDM, Rammstein, and Hanzel und Gretyl since they're pretty easy to translate although there's still alot of shit I'm unaware of. Now that I'm taking an intermediate level class, perhaps things will improve. Oddly enough, I've been having to use my French as well. I've been looking at the Tanxxx website more and another artist by the name of Marie Meier who lives in Alsace, France. I took French in high school only because I didn't want to take Spanish. Growing up in San Diego you'd think it would be a no-brainer but I heard the shit all the time, especially down in Tijuana, and grew sick of it. The times I've been to Paris and Belgium it's been priceless, as well as the time I worked with the French military when I was deployed to Turkey in 1991. I was getting hook-ups left and right because I was the only person in my A-10 squadron with an invaluable resource. We even had a Bar-B-Que for them and they hooked us up with some really great wine. Man those were some good times. There's that translation program - BabelFish - which is unreliable and has too many syntax errors. It's good for simple shit like one or two words, but really you need a good old-fashioned text book or a dictionary if you want to write something. I use it only on occasion since the damn thing sucks so bad. Tonight I might go to the local gasthaus to see whether or not I can meet some dumb German bitches I can practice speaking with. I'll even play it to a "T" by bringing my book and appearing completely clueless. Once they see I'm trying to fit in, I think I'll be able to get someone interested in helping me out, and hopefully doing my homework for me as well. Why work harder when you can work smarter?

Asswads

Yes, Butt-crack couldn't resist being a royal bitch to me today at work. We were doing our unit P.T. when Enrique made the jack-assy comment to me "So Machine where's the flood? Look at your jogging pants!" and then she started laughing at me. Not one to miss a beat, I hiked the leggings up to resemble that jack-ass LL Cool J and said "There yah go. How's that for high-waters?" and continued walking for a little bit. At that same time Butt-crack went from being almost tolerable to being Miss Bitch-on-Wheels and told me to put my jogging suit back to normal. I wasn't about to stop walking since I had everyone else behind me going the same direction and didn't feel like answering her right away. After the second and third time trying to get my attention, I finally said "JESUS CHRIST! RELAX ALREADY!" as I walked over to the corner and fixed my suit on the spot. If it's one thing I've learned from going to many concerts, it's that you don't stop in the middle of a crowd. You go with the current until you can find a place to break off, but Butt-crack being an uber-bitch didn't realize that. People like her piss me off - the fucking High and Mighty types. The military is full of them, and usually it's the rank that has gone to their heads. I've had to deal with ass-bag Superintendents and Senior NCOs who are all out to carve a name for themselves and get promoted off your hard work, but the moment it comes to rewarding you for making them look good, they get amnesia or pull some bullshit card and won't own up to their end of the bargain. It's this very reason why I now don't give a fuck whether I piss them off or not since I know their type. Fucking snakes in the grass. The difference is I won't give them any rope to hang me with. I'll say shit to get under their skin but nothing outright contemptuous or against regulations. Tonight our office is having a going-away party for another asswad I can't stand - BARBIE - and all day today people were asking me if I was going to attend. HELL NO. I was telling my supervisor how I don't talk to these people at work, so why should I spend my personal time feigning interest? I'd rather watch the new South Park on DVD and perhaps make a drunk dial or two. Besides it's rainy and I'd rather not be on the road if I can prevent it. Butt-crack will most likely be there and I don't want to see her annoying face, or Holly's bitchy-cunt personality either. I'm quite happy spending quality time with those who truly matter the most: ME Goddamn right.

Country Music

Eh. Today I'm driving home from work, after having yet another typical day of bureaucratic bullshit. I love to unwind by listening to KMFDM when I am driving to clear my mind and blow off steam, and since today the weather was in the low 50's, it was nice enough to roll my car windows down. I was listening to the WWIII album, and the title song (with the same name) when I was parked at a stop light waiting for all the douche bag SUV and mini-van drivers to move their gas hogs to clear the traffic intersection. Some Army dude is standing across the street from me while the lead singer Sascha K, is screaming at the top of his lungs how he's declaring war on all sorts of fucked up shit - the media, McDonald's, Disneyland, CNN, inept politics, the war on drugs, etc etc when this Army dude gets an earful of what's going on and starts to get a wild hare up his ass. As Lucia Ciaferlli (the background singer) screams "World War III - Be all that you can be" at the top of her lungs, this dude gets this pissed look on his face like he's about to fucking lunge at my car or something, pull me out Grand Theft Auto style and give me a fucking beat-down right on the spot. The light turns green and I'm off in a flash. Oh well. Too bad. If said fucker is gonna get pissed over some stupid song then that's his drama, not mine. The way I see it, the Army seems to promote Country Music like it's going out of style but anything else like Rock n' Roll, Rap, or Latino music is turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to. Bands like Slayer and Black Label Society support the military but despite their notoriety, the USO and the DoD won't touch them with a 10 foot pole because they don't want to be associated with the "image" these guys promote. Sure they'll kiss Mariah Carey's ass or Kid Rock's ass but the moment any non-corporate musician with an ounce of real talent arrives on the scene, a Public Affairs rep is nowhere to be found. Shit like this really drains me. I mean my parents were back-woods hillbillies from Texas, but Jeezus Fucking Christ, that doesn't mean that I am or want to be. I hate Country Music and I hate the outdoors - I have no desire to wear flanel or a fucking John Deere hat or go horseback riding. If you want to do it then more power to you, but please don't smother me with that lifestyle. I don't run around town dressed like some Death Metal freak so keep the cowboy boots and the Wrangler jeans for Brokeback Mountain viewing only. The military prides itself on diversity, or so it says. There are all sorts of Human Relations and Equal Opportunity posters at my work place condemning discrimination and all sorts of feel-good company propaganda you would expect to find screaming zero tolerance for those who would break the rules. Despite working with people of different backgrounds, the moment you head out the door, you'd swear you're in some kind of Mid-West back drop aberration of sorts. Just go into any Base or Post Exchange and that's all you hear playing in the background as you're shopping for socks and underwear - COUNTRY MUSIC. Go to the book store and the majority of reading material there appeals to Neo-Conservatives and Southern Baptists. Go see a movie on base and the theater shows these commercials aimed at preventing drunk driving by using Country Music singers to push the message while singing some 15 second spot song of theirs. You'll never see anyone else toe the company line - sports stars, rock musicians, politicians or celebrities - for some reason they're just not interesting enough I suppose, but stick with the vanilla Country singer and allegedly you'll reach the largest audience. This is the reason why I blast KMFDM without apology while I'm driving down the road. This is the reason why I listen to Slayer at ear-splitting volumes as I'm going out the main gate, as a means of reminding people that the military is comprised of people from all walks of life 7/24. Not everyone votes Republican, has Missionary-only-position sex, or listens to goddamned Country Music. Some of us enjoy the city life, vote Libertarian and consider bands like The Ramones and Rob Zombie to be just as American as baseball and apple pie. Sure I suppose it's somewhat juvenile and you could consider it a losing battle, but the worst thing anyone can do is to become complacent and soul-sacrificing. For far too long I've had conservative values shoved down my throat to the point where I am willing to push back just so I can get some breathing space of my own. I'm not talking about running around acting like some jackass and pissing people off, but being subliminal about it and walking a fine line. Just enough for people like said Army guy to take notice, but not to be able to really do anything about it. Make him look like the asshole for losing his cool as I drive off laughing. Heh. KMFDM - doing it again.

Kein Deutsch?

My German teacher e-mailed me today saying that my German 211 class may not happen after all. See, we have 10 people so far that have enrolled in the course, and University of Maryland requires a minimum of 12 people or else they will cancel it. I think this is complete fucking horseshit since with 10 people, my teacher will be able to spend more time with us individually and work with those who need help (read: me). I busted my ass in the recent course to learn the material she was providing us and want to continue with the progress I've been making. It will royally suck donkey dick if the class does get nixed by Friday. My other option is to actually start going to the local gasthaus and interact with the locals, although lately there's been alot of Anti-American sentiment made known in the village I live in - yes, fuck-tards are still spray painting all sorts of bullshit telling us to pack our bags and leave. The last thing I need is to get jumped by a bunch of drunk angry krauts over some bullshit I have nothing to do with. If anything I'm not one to shit where I eat. So, we'll see about my German class and whether or not it goes through. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise I couldn't buy the book yesterday when I tried since they didn't have any available at the campus bookstore? Who knows. Still, I'd love to study it at my leisure.

Blocked

Well it turns out that Uncle Sam is aware of this blog I maintain. My dear sweet Ruckus tried to access it from a government computer, but a warning message on the server popped up, saying it was blocked because it is considered to be "violent". I suppose the fact that I hate humanity with a passion (read: misanthrope) caught the attention of all the Dudley Doo-rights of the DoD and because I am not espousing anything racist in nature, they can't do a goddamned thing about it whatsoever, aside from popping this blog into their filter. Ha ha! Listen kids, I present the honest truth as I know it. I don't cut corners or sugar-coat the bullshit. You get the Machine you deserve and I am blatantly unapologetic for being a prick up some asses. I do this not to shock and offend, but because people have become so complacent and dead to their environments, they need a wake up call to remind them that there is a world outside of their sheltered existance. I simply reflect the harsh realities we all experience as people. So if government agencies want to block me that's fine, but people will always find a way to read my shit. My low-brow humor and potty mouth refinement will always find an audience, even in the most unlikely of places. You can try to shut me up but it will only add more fuel to my fire. This past year in Korea especially convinced me of that and I am only just getting started. As for my military friends who can still access this blog from a government computer, you all should know better than to do this to begin with - don't be surprised if one day your Shirt or Commander comes down on you with some kinda bullshit reprimand paperwork on account of something I've written here. You've known from the start this thing isn't work-friendly so if I were you I'd quite while you're still ahead. Please do continue reading my jack-assy somantics and idiot hi-jinx but do so from public library or a home computer. I won't accept any responsibility if your stupid ass doesn't have enough common sense to realize this. And to my dear Ruckus - get back to the ROK safely! I miss you!

Just plain weird

So when was the first time you saw something just plain weird? It can be anything too - a ghost, ball lightning, or spontaneous combustion. I would classify UFOs into the "weird" category although if you check out Rense.com, people are seeing them pretty much on a daily basis, so they're out of the category - they're just unexplained. But I'm talking about shit that makes sense but just isn't quite right.

I've seen alot of weird shit in the brief life I've lived - a Korean city bus take the sidewalk during a traffic jam, and a fat kid chug a 24 pack of Dr Pepper at a BloodHound Gang concert for $100, but today topped it all:


- I saw a bird puke on the sidewalk and then start eating its own vomit -


No joke! It was a raven or a crow or something. It was a big bird too and just outta the blue it upchucked what appeared to be some chow hall food. It started pecking away at some of the chunky bits and would occasionally walk off into the grass when a pedestrian walked by or if it got bored and started looking for some bugs to eat instead. After about a minute or two it flew off to do whatever the hell it is that birds do - crap on my car.

My co-workers were astonished that I would get a kick outta something so gross and juvenile but considering that all I spoke about yesterday was how to make a shit bomb for these fuck-wits on the autobahn and piss in someone's gas tank for revenge, they were hardly surprised.

Around the end of the day I saw the same bird come back to its pile of puke and continue to chow down, only the puke puddle had dried on the sidewalk but the remnants in the gutter were still good. The bird was going to town on its afternoon meal while dodging traffic that came its way. I saw what I think was a broccoli sprout too that had been sitting out there all day that it finally chomped on before flying off.

I've seen dogs wipe their ass on carpets and even monkeys at the San Diego Zoo take a shit and then start playing with their poo, but for a bird to puke and then go back to eating it, well that's a first and is just plain weird in my book.


And the fucker still ended up shitting on my car!

Speaking of shit....

If the Incredible Hulk takes a dump, is it considered Toxic Waste? Does a HAZMAT crew need to come in and wipe his ass to prevent any residual contamination? Johnny Ryan, this one's for you - I'm drawing a picture of the Incredible Hulk taking a shit on Sinus & Loady, and then they develop some of his special powers too - if I can find a scanner I'll send it to yah via e-mail! Otherwise I'll have to send it out snail-mail which will suck. Just think - when I go to prison like Richard Ramirez, you'll already have the artwork of a tried-but-failed serial killer in your possession! Guarantee to get you at least 99 cents on E-Bay!

Stau

Goddammit. One thing I truly hate is being late for work. Mind you, I hate being at work even more, but I hate it when circumstances outside of my control put me at such a disadvantage. Today's rant is about the goddamned traffic going to base in the morning. Traffic jams, commonly known as a stau on German, seem to always happen no matter what time of day it is when I need to be somewhere. This morning I was stuck waiting for 30 fucking minutes and for what? NOTHING. Jeezus Fucking Christ you'd think people would learn how to fucking drive a goddamned car in a somewhat intelligent manner. There was no auto wreck or fucking act of chaos - just people were being complete fuck-tards behind the wheel. So, I've come up with a solution. A remedy to the cause. People hate people who whine and don't have a way to fix the sitch, but I've been thinking about it all day today. We need to develop a shit bomb. Or a shit grenade. The theory behind this is when some fucker pisses you off, you reach into a compartment, roll down your window, and lob a balloon or latex-encoated pile of shit at the offender as you roll by this Darwinian throw-back. And it can be for anything too! Some cunt-flap cuts you off in traffic? Tag the side of the fucker's vehicle with high-end quality feces. And what's even worse is that it will be the ultra-stinky type too. Somehow mix chemicals to where it has the same lasting aroma as a skunk has. Remember when you were a kid and your dog got sprayed by the skunk and how fucking nasty it reeked? Uh huh. Same concept. The said fucker wouldn't be able to get the smell off his car for a week no matter how hard he tried. Or, if some douche-bag is talking on his cell phone, holding things up, bombs away! You can tell how many people are pissed at the guy by how many shit stains are on the back of his SUV. Oh gawd, I would LOVE to tag some of these mini-van driving douche-bag motherfuckers around here too. For the most part I am tolerant of the ass-bags and fuck-holes that inhabit the KMC community, but this morning I just wasn't in the mood. I was pissed off for the rest of the day at work and it wasn't until I could come home and do a power-jerk-off session that I could resume any normal activity. If anyone from the KMC area reads this blog, then I am holding YOU personally responsible for all the shitty driving that goes on - chances are you're the worst offender or know someone who is. So if one day you go outside and find your car smeared in dog shit, you won't have to guess as to why. Now fuck off already and quit causing these goddamned stau!

One Year Mark

So today marks the one year mark this stupid blog has been around. Jeezus Fucking Christ people. Don't you have anything better to do with your time than to read my bullshit and whining? FUCK! I will say that I've landed some hella cool friends as a result of this blog and can only hope this damn thing will get me laid eventually. I've chronicled just about every dirty little secret I have and you fuckers keep coming back for more! Well keep coming back cause I'll keep posting it here! So to celebrate I think I'll get trashed and make some drunk dials tomorrow. Since I'm on stand-by I can't do anything fun, and yes it royally stucks too. Oh well. I want each of you to celebrate in your own way - preferrably if all the hot chicks here sent me their more candid pics. I'll even rub one out for yah over the phone when I'm drunk!

Quick Question

How many people are going to DYE THEIR PUBES GREEN in celebration of St Patrick's Day? Anyone? If so, send me a photo you jack-ass!

Stand-by

Fuck. I get called in because some fuck-tard doesn't know how to manage his time today. While I won't get into details due to reasons of National Security (yeah right - bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ~!) I will say that once again I have to clean up someone else's mess! What the fuck are people here at Ram-Shaft thinking I wonder? Anycase another Angry German spray-painted some shit on a billboard, only this time the locals were quick to change it out before I could snap a photo of it. It simply read "NO AIR BASE" across the face of some German political candidate, written in plain English. I saw the movie Lord of War last night - Zhombie lemme borrow the DVD. Man that fucking film ROCKS!!!! I was having flashbacks to the video game BLACK when I was watching the opening credits and knew it was going to kick way fucking ass with that alone! Nicholas Cage makes gun running look so easy when in reality there are probably more arms dealers who die from their own merchandise than any other crime lord out there, especially if they sell defective equipment! The movie did make a good point that I don't know how many of you caught - small arms like rifles and pistols have done more damage than bombs if you think about it, and are in a sense a Weapon of Mass Destruction class. The fact that they can't wipe fuckers out the same way a chemical or biological agent can doesn't mean they're not any less effective in the long run. Jared Leto's character was a whiny bitch that should've been capped a long time ago in my opinion. What a whiny cunt-flap. Anycase tomorrow I look forward to playing more BLACK on my X-Box and hopefully I won't get bothered with some stupid bullshit. I've also contacted Mental Ernie since the fucker lives in Belgium to see if he wants to go party some time. Belgium, for the unenlightened, is about a 2 hour drive from where I live and it's an open border. I figure him and I can go get drunk and fuck some angry Belgian sluts or something and then he can make fun of it all on his website. Check his shit out if you haven't done so already - just look at the right side to find his link. Heh. It's been a while since I've spoken French so I suppose it's time to dust off the book a little. And I have never banged a French or Belgian chick so I suppose there's a first time for that too. If I end up getting a nasty STD I'll even blog about it too. Chances are he's seen this blog and thinks I'm a fucking freak and will no way have any contact with me. Heh. Cool.

The Next Step

So. I went to enroll in the next German class today and found out my teacher gave me a "B" for my German 112 class. Fucking sweet. Frankly I think she was being very generous with her grading scale however I'm not going to fucking make an issue out of it and gracefully accepted what has been given. I'm fucking pissed they don't have a class available I need for my Bachelor's degree for this semester and am thinking about taking another elective course instead - ACTING. I figure why the hell not? I've been wanting to make cheesey B-Movies for quite some time now and what better way to learn the ropes than by starting at square one? I will have to see when the class meets and if it's a "go" then I'll enroll and see where it takes me. Besides, most drama sluts are easy to bang from what I hear. Even though chances are I won't score any trim I wanna put that theory to the test. My sister works in a theater guild and has all sorts of fucked-up stories she shares about these fucking therapy rejects. I figure why not add some of my own drama to boot? I'd really like to go to film school but chances are I'm too fucking old to do something like that anyways. Is there a age limit on that kinda shit? Who knows. One thing I do wanna do is make a documentary about the military, similar to the same style Michael Moore uses. I'd interview everday people and ask them questions about shit the military makes them tolerate to one end or another. Primarily quality of life issues and the double-standards that plague the system, and any special stories they wanna share with the audience. I could easily do something like this for under $5000 easy, from start to finish and would just need the time to travel and what not. Of course every staunch swinging-dick-pro-Republican-God-Bless-America-service member out there would call me "insubordinate" and "unpatriotic" for making such a film but the intent would be to educate the clueless masses as to how bureaucratic and shitty we get treated at times. Everyone loves a soldier when he's marching down main street in the welcome home parade, but rarely understand what he's had to go through so they can sleep soundly at night in their cozy beds. People always say "Support the Troops" and put those stupid yellow ribbons on the back of their SUVS and mini-vans but what are they really doing about it? Are they giving their senator or congressman grief about the fact the the military is getting cut yet again so we can afford some high-priced jet (read: F-22) we envisioned 15 years ago which is pork-barrel spending in my opinion, or the fact the National Guard has missed its recruiting quotas for 6 months and running? What about a pay raise? I'm talking a SUBSTANTIAL one. Not some crappy 2% or 3% annual that gets handed to us, only to be taken out with federal taxes, but some REAL CASH that would put us on par with most corporate jobs out there. After all if we're willing to throw away billions of unaccounted dollars on rebuilding the Iraqi infrastructure, why not give military families some decent housing too? The housing I saw when I was at Okinawa looked like Fred Flintstone projects or something. And this is how we treat our Marines. Or the fact we still don't have any real decent equipment? Of course they don't. The public is happily ignorant to the internal workings of their government and really don't want to be bothered with it until someone is broken, bleeding or dying. Much like nobody gave two shits about FEMA until Hurricane Katrina hit, nobody gives a damn how the military is being cut down to its core until the next group of asshole terrorists are successful. I will be the mythological Prometheus and bring fire to the masses with this film, however it will all be a matter of timing. Right now the timing is bad due to many internal things going on, however within a few years when I get out, I will be able to make this thing without any fear of repercussion. Fuck if I'm gonna throw my career down the drain when I'm this close to getting promoted! So really that's my main reason for taking the acting class. Get the goods, get schooled, and then do my homework before I start filming, and by that I mean getting my facts straight. Jacques Cousteau oddly enough once quoted "Attack Power with Wisdom" and if I want to be untouchable, need to do it right. And perhaps score some drama department poon-tang!

The Day After

Today I was back at work as my usual, boring self. Everyone was asking me how I felt for my rank test yesterday and all I could say was that I had the same feeling as I did last year when I thought I had been promoted but wasn't. So this year I am just going to behave as if nothing will happen, that way if and when I do get passed up for promotion I won't be so disappointed. Really the main reason why I decided to come to Germany was for the schooling opportunies. University of Maryland has the largest campus here outside of the US and I can finish my Bachelor's Degree in Business like I have been planning. I need alot of the upper level courses which I haven't been able to do elsewhere due to lack of staffing on their part, and doing on-line courses just isn't the same. The one or two Economics courses I did through Distant Learning I ended up dropping since I couldn't understand a damn thing the teacher was trying to explain. Screw that. Here I am able to meet all the requirements and aside from doing a late night class or two, I don't have to break a sweat with crazy bullshit professors I never see. I still feel like shit from getting little sleep. On top of going 24 hours without rest, my body had to fight off this damn cold last night as I was trying to make up for both. I have more snot running down my nose than the snail tracks from a lesbian amputee marathon. That fucking gross. I need to call it another early night tonight and tomorrow I should be back to running status. Oh yeah and one last thing before I head off - the new Goldfrapp CD is worth picking up if you like Euro-Trash Disco. I picked it up today and was digging it on the way home. Alison Goldfrapp has a nice ass. She should let KMFDM do remixes of her music sometime.

Tanxxx

Well, my irreverent friend and fellow libertine COOP has me now hooked on yet another art website he so proudly displays on his blog......TANXXX ~ ! Tanxxx is a cool dude from France and I am really digging his artwork, proving that there is life West of the German border and East of the Pyrennes Mountains. Besides, I get to practice my (much outdated) faux-francais when I write comments on his blog! So check it out everyone! His stuff is pretty edgey! (Et si Tanxxx m'ecrit, je cracherai de le Tour Eiffel quand je visite Paris cet ete!)

Like a fat kid on a treadmill

Like a fat kid on a treadmill, I was going nowhere fast today.

I hadn't slept any and I had my test for rank I had to prepare for. I tossed around in bed and finally gave up and started cramming like mad. Fucking crazy too. Usually I don't get worked up or excited over promotion boards, but for some reason I was freaking out this morning. I finally took a 3 hour nap but still felt that rush of adrenaline hit me when I woke.

I took my exams today and felt really great on my first test. It dealt with all sorts of military customs and courtesies and all that horseshit. The second test regarding my job I didn't feel so good about - alot of fucked up questions I wondered where they pulled it from out of their asses exactly. My current job I've been doing a little over 3+ years now, since I was an involuntary cross-trainee. See, Uncle Sam likes to move people around every so often due to budget cuts and when you take someone who has been proficient as an EMT and a clinical technician for most of his career and overnight shift them to a world of unrelated bullshit, it takes a while to adjust. Plus there are still alot of programs and regulations I am not familiar with. My training volumes only offer so much info, and the rest comes with on-the-job experience. I suppose I'll have to bitch and fuss more to management to get me in these other positions pronto!

Anycase I am Kentucky Fried Zombie-tired and will crash early tonight to make up for all the sleep I didn't get last night. While part of me thinks I made promotion, I thought the same last year only to be disappointed when they didn't announce my name. To say I was heartbroken and disappointed was a huge understatement which is why this year I'm not even gonna sweat it. If I make it I make it and I'll go rub it in everyone's face whose ever talked shit about me as I laugh all the way to the bank. If not I'll still talk shit to all the people who talk shit about me and tell them to get off their goddamned high-horse.


The bottom line is I just still want to be a pain in the ass to those truly deserving, and having another stripe to tack on will make me all the more insufferable!

Alien Hemorrhoid Cream

Fuck me running. This cold I've had all week has been really giving me a run for my money. I didn't go out any yesterday since I felt like shit and didn't want to deal with the freezing rain. I figured since Crazy-woman Sheehan wasn't going to show up to this protest, why drag my ass out there just to see a bunch of fuck-holes yell at eachother? You can go to a Phillies game and see the same thing.

So, I just stayed inside and played Area 51 on my X-Box. That dork David Duchovny plays the main character (you) of a Hazmat Team that's supposed to go in and contain an outbreak. I've had limited Hazmat Training from when I was an EMT and thought it was pretty cool that I could relate to at least this part of the game. Turns out the game is full of all the same UFO bullshit and conspiracy theory crap you get from the X-Files, only there's no Scully chick running around being annoying as hell. Bwa ha ha ~ ! That dude has become so type-casted he'll never have any other kind of acting job than that. He'd even bend over backwards and do hemorrhoid cream commercials just to break the Hollywood stereotype I'd bet! Maybe he could combine the two and say "Next time you get an anal probe in Uranus, try Ass-steroids! The cream that wipes out Klingons!"

Marilyn Manson also does the voice of this retarded-looking alien that resembles a deformed fetus or perhaps an abortion that lived. I like Marilyn Manson's music and his autobiography and have respect for what he's done challenging the Religious Reich. I just hope now that his music career has been washed-up he'll focus more on pissing off people everywhere and not lame cameos in video games.

Speaking of lame, because I've been out all week, I haven't bothered shaving and was sporting one of those faggy Euro beards that the dork from Star Trek was wearing. Number 1 or whatever he's called. I had to shave it off today since tomorrow I have to go back to work. I was pimpin' with the faggy Euro beard the other day too - 3 different people I know saw me and said I looked like a local. Heh. Cool. Now all I need to do is to go every third day without a shower and start wearing the banana hammock-style underwear and I'll blend right in perfectly.

Ugh. But still. I think there's some kinda flu pandemic going around or some shit. Even some of my friends back in the States are sick as dog shit and they haven't been to Europe any time soon either. Heh. Makes me wonder when the next "big one" is gonna hit? Eh - we're overdue another Black Plague the way I see it. Who knows? Maybe it's a conspiracy!

After School Dinner

Tonight my German class had an after-the-fact dinner as celebration for finishing the course. It was pretty cool but getting over to the restaurant was a royal bitch. See the Germans are really fucking lousy with their road signs and don't believe in letting you turn around just yet if you miss your turn-off. There have been plenty of times where I've had to drive 10 minutes or so out of my way, just to find the nearest goddamned round-about so I could circle back and make up for the lost turn-off. Forunately for me, a class-mate was in front of me in his big-ass American truck so following him was a sinch. Some German bus driver dude got pissed when he couldn't turn the corner because his big-ass truck was in the way and he had to back up. And then the dude started yelling at me too! Eh. Fucking cranky kraut. There was a pretty good turn out for class size. We socialized and placed orders and what not, and then after we started eating my teacher told me I did better on the final than I imagined. She knew I had been fighting this flu-bug all week and while she didn't have a grade to give, assured me I should be able to take the next level up. Fucking rock! Listen kids, I don't care normally what kind of grade I get for these elective courses since the real test of knowledge will come into play when you're on the street and have to communicate with a local. Both German classes have been an uphill battle for me, but I've always come out better for sticking to my guns and not giving up the ship. Taking the easy way out never solves anything and usually you have to double your efforts anyways. I figure just devote the time and energy to doing something worthwhile and when everything is said and done, you'll be glad you did - at least I am. Besides if I play it off right, I can get some dumb German broad to shack up with me and teach me more! Ha ha yeah right. Who we kidding here? Anycase the OTHER German class was having their end-of-course dinner too, ironically enough, and I saw some former classmates I recognized. One hottie MILF saw me and I think she damn near threw up the schnitzel she was eating, she was that disgusted by my appearance. She gave me that "Oh fuck IT'S YOU AGAIN" look I normally get from most women whom I try to get down their panties with, only they're smarter than that or not so desperate. I flashed her the typical evil-yet-cheesey grin of mine while talking to this dude how this new teacher of mine was 10 times better than the other guy. I take great pride in disgusting a hot chick just by mere presence alone. Ironically enough my German teacher suggested I try on-line dating! If that isn't the ultimate low-blow then I dunno what is. So which on-line dating services would you recommend?

Wiped Out

Holy shit. I was wiped out today. Whatever little flu-bug that I caught had me on my back for the majority of the day. I "woke up" around 9am just to roll back over and go to sleep. Feeling like complete dog shit, sweats and a general malaise that can only be compared to a heavy night of drinking. Holy fuck! I felt like dying and just getting it over with, but then around 5pm, I woke up completely refreshed. I still have a little bit of the bug tugging at me but I feel 10 times better for having slept it off. Of course it means I didn't do shit for studying today as intended, but that's why I have the weekend to make up for sick days like today. I haven't been this sick in a very long time. Usually I come down with the crud and then within a day or two I'm back to full health. I exercise all the time and make sure to eat healthy, plus I am always washing my hands before eating something, or just after using the restroom. Call it an OCD trait of mine. Crazy woman Sheehan is still supposed to come to Landstuhl unless that's been changed at the last minute. That's gonna happen this Saturday. I have half the mind to dress up like Shiek Yerbouti and go fuck with her. Heh.

German Final

Tonight I took my German final. I was seriously coughing and hacking up some way nasty shit. I've been sick since Monday night and have been fighting off this monster cold. I think I did really shitty since I couldn't concentrate, although I think my teacher is willing to cut me some slack. Hell knows she's done it plenty of times before. So long as I can get a "C" or better I can go to the next level of German - German 211 although that has yet to be seen. I finished BLACK sooner than it began. It's short but sweet and you can replay the same levels but with unlimited ammo, providing you unlock the minimum required secrets. What I really dug was the fact it lets you edit your own soundtrack. The very first one I made I entitled "Salvation01" out of tribute to a Fear Factory song. Originally I was going to use it for HALO only the douchebags at Bungie! don't have that feature installed. Why so few games for the X-Box don't accomodate for your own soundtrack I don't know but that was one of the strong selling points originally. Eh whatever. I'm still studying for rank despite the fact I feel like dog shit warmed over. Fuck if I don't get promoted this cycle on account of a lousy cold.

Gandalf

There's this retiree dude that roams Ramstein and the KMC area. He's way fucking old and looks like he could croak at any minute. How this dude gets around I have no idea since his health is horrible and has resorted to using two walking canes for movement. I call the dude "Gandalf" since he resembles that guy from the Lord of the Rings movie - whatever the hell his name is.

Zhombie thinks the guy is a retired E-7 and lives in dumpsters. According to him, the guy is mean as hell and has a rap sheet the size of a collegiate dictionary for all the times he's been picked up by the cops for whatever reason - being disorderly or vagrancy. See, the military doesn't like to admit that they have a homeless population of retirees running around that can be witnessed at most passenger terminals and the food court area of the base or post exchange. It would reflect poorly on the system since we're conditioned to believe how we're all super heroes that can bend the fabric of space and time, and to admit that someone has served his purpose and can't survive outside the system would be a disgrace. So, we sweep them under the rug like they're not there. Anycase, Zhombie told me how people will try to do nice things for him, only he'll snap their fucking heads off within a split second. One chick he works with even went so far as to try to give him a cup of coffee one day, only Gandalf told her to fuck off as he knocked the drink out of her hands. Heh.

I saw Gandalf yesterday and today. He was sleeping in the food court at one of the tables and resembled one of those little garden gnomes you see laying around. If I had my camera with me, I'd snap a photo and post it here for everyone to see. I'm half-tempted to see how far I can push the guy before he gets pissed and starts yelling at me sometime. Maybe steal his cane or knock the hat off his head and then run away real quick. If he truly sleeps in a dumpster I'm curious which one it is, so I can throw meat scraps in there so alley cats will bother him in the middle of the night. All that meowing and cat piss - the scent will never get out of his clothes.

If I ever make a cheesey B-movie I will definitely use him as comic relief. Perhaps I can do my own version of Lord of the Rings or its parody Lord of the Strings as a way of making it happen. Eh. Who really cares? I just wanna get the dude on tape before he kicks the bucket!

Black

Oh dear.


And I was so looking forward to studying this weekend.


I bought the X-Box version today from the BX and have yet to open it. I'm afraid to really since I want to pass my final AND make rank this time.


Decisions, decisions.

Double-Test

Okay all you retards on the short bus....I'm gonna be busy this upcoming week. I have my German final I will be studying for as well as testing for rank. I will be bouncing between one source to the other and most likely won't be doing much in the way of updating the blog. Unless of course, something really cool happens when I'm taking a break and have to go out for something, things are going to be pretty dull.

Who knows. I might get a wild hare up my ass - the Trix Rabbit perhaps - and blog about my youth or something equally amusing in my off-time. Either way if things are slow for this week, that's the reason why.

Anycase I made a bunch of drunk dials last night after slamming 8 or so beers. Heh. Talk of sexual harassment versus $3.99 a minute, midgets, and sending women the photograph of some black dude hung like a mule, and pretending that it's my photo were discussed.


And alot of belching.


Lots of belching.


Dare I say the only time I am tolerable by most standards is when I'm drunk and you bitches can be the judge of that. I even had to take a really nasty beer shit this morning too. Nothing like that to give Manuke the Shit Demon a little something extra as means of appreciation. Even shit demons need to feel like they're special from time to time.

Snow Day

Well it snowed like a sonofabitch both yesterday and today, but today it was 10 times worse! They let us go around 1pm, although nobody in my office had the balls to make a command decision and cut us loose. This is one thing that drives me fucking nuts about the military at times. When common sense dictates that the roads are way fucking shitty and people need to leave, everyone sits around with their thumb up their ass, waiting for the boss to formally release us. The way I see it, if base leadership is giving us the go-ahead, that's all the direction I need. My job isn't that fucking important that I have to be on stand-by or whatever in the event there's a power outage or some awful car wreck. I wonder how bureaucratic agencies ever fucking manage to function. Seriously. Everyone is so goddamned afraid to take the bull by the horns with the simplest of tasks, out of fear of over-stepping their bounds. I say fuck it. If you can release people without it causing serious fucking problems, then do so. What's even worse is don't fucking deliberate about it either. Grow a set of balls, grow a set of tits, and fucking press forward. So long as nobody is broken, bleeding, or dying as the end result, chances are the choice you make isn't going to fucking break the bank so to speak. Anycase I came home and dug myself out of my driveway the same way I did this morning. I even went so far as to clear my landlord's drive way which is 3 times longer than mine, since they've been way fucking cool to me since I've been here. A small token of my gratitude. I was sweating like a whore in church by the time I was done, and the annoying old man who lives across the street decided to bother me some more. Really. What the fuck is up with this guy? I mean he's nice and all but the fucker doesn't know when to let people go about their business. One time he was talking my ear off for 45 minutes before I finally cut the old bastard off and told him I had to go inside. Now I try avoiding the fucker every chance I get. Zhombie and I went out to some Messican restaurant tonight. A fucking Messican restaurant in the middle of Germany. What are the chances on that? The food was pretty good I must admit, and there was some dumb bitch sitting behind Zhombie with her boyfriend I was digging on. She was wearing a low cut shirt and I was staring at her cleavage for the entire meal. Her dumb-ass boyfriend was completely clueless but she knew right away what I was all about. I think I'm starting to turn into what most people refer to as the "dirty old man" and think I'm going to enjoy every moment of it. I wanted to go to a titty bar afterwards, only the roads are still icy as shit and his car handles like a fucking freight train on a dirt road. Perhaps tomorrow I can get out and get my rocks off. I'm getting drunk tonight. Bitches, you just might get a drunk dial from me. Be forewarned.

I need Music

Yes, I know. It sounds odd, but someone who prides himself on listening to some of the most kick-ass, take no prisoner types of music has hit a dry spell as of late. I thought that Germany would be a really cool fucking place to pick up new death metal and what not, only Kaiserslautern doesn't have SHIT for music! Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised considering these douche-bags don't have even a 7-11 or same-day service on most things. What the fuck. So, this is where you the viewer have the chance to come in and help out. The only criteria the music has to meet is: It has to rock. No lame lyrics. No whiny, self-deprecative singers. No rap. No country. If you have so much a pea-sized brain in that otherwise empty fucking head of yours, you'll have noticed the bands I've posted in the past as well as the links section to the right which shows the style of music I listen to. Aside from the occasional tits n' ass pic I get from some of the females here, I don't get shit from my fan base. This is where you can pay off all the times I've entertained you by returning the favor and hooking me up with some cool tunes. Just point the way and I'll be there. Danke.