German Mid-Term

So kids, between all the bullshit that my new promotion brings me and the regular run-of-the-mill KMC bullshit I gotta tend to, I now have a German Mid-Term I gotta study for in the mix as well. Needless to say my X-BOX 360 is still sitting snugly inside the original packaging, quietly in the corner of my living room. Eh. Who needs free time anyways, right? Fuck. There's one excessively hairy fat chick that sits next to me that wants to bang the hell outta me. Now naturally I'd indulge, only SHE HAS A MOUSTACHE that's thicker than mine, and I'm convinced I have some kinda recessive Mediterranean gene kicking around in me, as dark complexive as I am (afterthought: did that sound right?). Now for a chick to be able to grow a fucking handle bar moustache without even trying is way fucking scary. I'd hate to see her get a Brazilian wax job done or something. Ew. Eh. Perhaps the last week of class I'll test the waters and get some she-beast lovin' for a change. That way if the shit goes sour (which it most likely will) I will only have to put up with her shit for a week at the very most before being able to pack shit up and dismiss the entire sitch all together. Yes kids, THE MACHINE doesn't have time for complicated romances or anything like that right now - friends with benefits or to simply put it : FUCK AND RUN tactics is all I can allow with my schedule being what it is. And come to think of it, I might end up getting my assignment here cut short - it turns out that I may not be able to extend the way I want to in Germany/Europe since they have too many people filling the manning slots here for the moment - yes it's all a numbers game but goddammit if I have to bite the bullet and do yet ANOTHER year in Korea just to avoid some shit-hole assignment stateside like North Dakota or New Mexico, I'm going out kicking and screaming. Fuck that horse shit. At least with Korea it's only 12 months compared to the years and years it takes to escape Kansas or Idaho. So. I'm gonna fuck the she-beast and live to regret it. Mark my words.

Home Videos

Okay - all you assholes out there know I can be one royally fucked-up prick at times, and at other times I'm still that demented 15 year old kid at heart - today I was one of them. I went to Trier for the day. Trier as it turns out, was the capitol of the Western Roman empire for a while before the Roman Empire collapsed. The Roman emperor CONSTANTINE lived there for about 10 years before he was called on some business to never return. The Porta Nigra, or "Black Gate" as it is known as, still stands today, and similar to the pyramids in Egypt, is made with alarming precision. It's amazing what a little elbow grease and alot of slave labor can do. Anycase, all day I was walking around and saw people with their dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, dogs of all breeds. I went to a public park and watched people sunbathe, read books, and play with their dogs. Some Germans were getting drunk as well since this World Cup Soccer Match is really starting to pick up and they're feeling an unusual sense of patriotism that hasn't been felt in ages. I started to wonder whether or not there is anything on the market out there that has dogs shitting in public places. It would be funny as hell too! Dog Shit Video, Volume 1. They have Bum Fights which is pretty fucking low brow as you get (I own all 3 volumes on DVD) plus a Stripper Fights video too (which I also gladly own) - so why not something this juvenile and immature? I have a JVC Super VHS-C camera that is just sitting there collecting dust. I need to break the fucker out and go buy some blank video tapes and then go out to the local public park. We've been having lots of good weather lately and people will be walking their dogs. I can compile a collection and then try marketing it if time permits. Maybe I should put a spin on the video and show me dousing the dog turd with lighter fluid and then dropping a lit match on it too.

The Last Laugh

I hate these motherfuckers that always want to put me down - pigeon hole me in some way or fashion for whatever reason. No, this isn't some bullshit wallow in self-pity entry - fuck that - instead this is where this devil gets the last laugh and laughs the longest. See, part of the reason why my ass has been so busy lately is because I recieved a promotion. Yes motherfuckers, THE MACHINE is working his way up the pseudo-corporate ladder. Actions speak louder than words and I deliver. A true Professional Demon. There are some motherfuckers out there - they know who they are - who think I don't have my shit together because I'm not one of these self-serving assholes whose sole interest is self-promotion. You know the kind - the fucking "Yes Men" and "Poster Children" who look for a photo op every chance they get. Chances are I'll never be a Senior NCO simply because I don't want to deal with the bullshit, headaches and long hours - but from the way things are turning out, it just might happen after all, despite my misgivings. But these are the assholes that have to attach their name to every thing their subordinates do, in order to justify their position in the chain of command. One such asshole was this dude I worked with last year when I first got here - MAJOR PAYNE (not his real name or rank) - he earned the name based on physical appearance similarities to Dayman Wayans and the fact he used to be a drill instructor. MAJOR PAYNE was a MAJOR PAIN in the ass. This cocky sonofabitch didn't like having me around since I knew the job better than he did, and since I was junior in rank to him and saw through all the smokescreen and bullshit he was building up around him, decided to have me transfered to another section upon first arriving Ram-shaft. He got everyone to buy into it, telling them all what a liability I was behind closed doors, and then when it was time to break the news, did a complete 180 and like a snake-in-the-fucking-grass that he was, said it was to expand my professional responsibilities. "Machine, we need you in this section over here instead" he insisted. "Because you haven't worked this other shop before, we want to give you the opportunity to grow professionally" he said, lying through his teeth. Sitting back, listening to all of this, I could tell he was full of shit but since I didn't trust the rat-bastard any further than I could throw him, figured it was a good way to prove to this jerky fuck that I could get the job done WITHOUT all the official gubmint bullshit he so heavily built his image upon. Damage control from someone who could fuck me over career-wise. Well sure enough, I get over to this new section and start by jumping in with both feet - I won't bore you with the details as to my job - but let's just say that once I learned the ropes it started impressing all the right people - the ones that mattered. I stuck to my guns and sure enough when promotion time came around, I got selected. Another fuck-wit I wanna give a big middle-finger to is here in Germany with me, but I only see him once in a while since he works in a completely different part of the KMC - KID DAK. Similar to Major Payne, this cunt-flap didn't like my style of management when I worked with him in Korea and tried burning me at the stake when I wouldn't kiss his ass. All year the fucker avoided me like the plague despite work orders getting done on time. Despite one or two learning mistakes I made on the way, I kept his ass outta trouble with the big boys by making our shop look good. When it came time for promotion last year the fucker would not put in a package for me no matter what. In his mind I was completely undeserving and even went so far to let the command here know "what a liability" I was before they had the chance to meet me in person. SO FUCK YOU ALL YOU NAY-SAYERS AND TWO-FACED DOUCHEBAGS THAT SAID I COULDN'T MAKE IT. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW TO DISPROVE ME? YOU'RE NOWHERE. YOU'VE BEEN PROVED WRONG AND CAN'T ARGUE FACT. SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE AND MY ASS IS LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK. I'M EVERY BIT JUST AS CAPABLE AS YOU ARE AND JUST BECAUSE I DON'T TOW THE COMPANY LINE OR LOOK LIKE SOME FUCKING POSTER BOY OUT OF UNIFORM DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KNOW MY SHIT. SO AGAIN. FUCK YOU. As a side note: Major Payne's stupid ass got shipped back to the States on a humanitarian assignment - karma's a bitch when you fuck around with one of the Devil's own. I'm still working on Kid DAK for the moment, but rest assured the sweetest of wines takes time to age and perfect.

Work Work and more Work

Well kids I'm definitely running on all 4 cylinders now - not that I wasn't before but with the summer getting in full swing I'm one multi-tasking motherfucker. STACY has yet another boyfriend now - some dude who is a firefighter according to her. "So what, you wanna play with his hose or something?" I replied this morning when I heard her tell me this. She turned bright red, laughed and said that was an inappropriate comment for me to make. "Why? RAAB was a cop and you wanted to play with his gun" I concluded. So no more RAAB. Oh well. She's boy-crazy and is starting to go through men like toilet paper the way I see it. GOMEZ is just one lazy motherfucker. No ambition. No motivation. I have to put fire under the fucker's ass to get him moving. This sucks. He's not some newbie either but has been used to life at his previous assignment where all he did was sit on his ass and surf the net most the day - I've told him point blank he needs to be Johnny-on-the-Spot with shit now that he's working for me. Or would it be Juanny-on-the-Spot since he's Messican? Who knows. What I DO know is the fucker better find it in him somewhere - beit a higher power or self-hypnosis or some shit otherwise I'm going to request he get moved to another section. Fucking lazy asshole is what he is. STACY has more drive than he does and she doesn't know shit since she's fresh outta boot camp, the comparison is that obvious. I wanna write more but I've got German homework I gotta do. So fuck off already and do something more entertaining than reading this shitty blog.

Not much time

I haven't had much time to update this stupid blog as you all know - alot of work has been getting done and when I'm not at work either ZHOMBIE is over or I'm having to do some kind of stupid bullshit with GOMEZ or STACY. All 3 of them are starting to get on my goddamned nerves for one reason or another and I would just love to put all 3 of them in a closet and lock the fucking door. Permanently. Just. No. More. People. Period. Fucking lately I've been getting all sorts of comments as to "how evil" I really am - everyone from my own MOTHER to the assholes in my German class are commenting on how repulsive my character is truly becoming. Hey can I help it if you can't polish a turd? Fuck no. You get what you give and I'm tired of giving shit and not getting anything back in return. Ironically enough, SISTER CHRISTIAN today started ragging how all I do is talk about video games and Japan when I am in class. Well shit it's not like I can talk about pussy and Satanism openly without getting some kind of reprimand. Even here I am reluctant to talk about getting laid since it rarely happens, but I enjoy a raunchy joke just as much as the next red-blooded man does. I think what it's really starting to boil down to is how people are starting to pay attention not so much as to what I say but as to what I do. My behavior - that is. To a certain extent I will always rebel against society, established norms, and what other people expect from me as a "man". Not the "I'm 15 years old and I'm angry so I'm going to piss off my parents by acting out and wearing obnoxious clothing" routine but the fact I oppose all the PTA, white-picket-fence bullshit that gets hyped up to being more than what it really is. Believe me, I hate the ghetto and I hate the trailer park but with suburbia as the alternative between those two it makes living in the back of a van with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a shotgun that much more appealing. More and more people that don't know me mistake me for being married with a family but that's only because they haven't spent any time around me. I'm especially good at blending in when I need to. But what is it that ultimately makes someone "evil"? Is it because they oppose what's established as being "good" or is it because they have a different set of values all together instead? Nobody ever truly sees themselves as being a "bad person" unless they are very self-aware and are completely comfortable with having such a title. Myself it doesn't bother me so much to be labeled as such and gladly flaunt my imperfections. I do what I do and make no apology for it. The way I see it, nobody else does so why should I start? Aw fuck it - I'm glad to be what I am and am glad people acknowledge it. They can remain uneasy about it all they want - I'm having too much fun to quit!

Crusty Old Asshole

Okay. So tonight I'm walking around in the Commissary shopping for groceries. Yes kids, THE MACHINE cannot live on beer and porn alone - for he also needs nutrition to fuel his insanities and blasphemies. I've got my mother nagging me about what I should be eating versus what I want to be eating (chips, frozen pizza and soda) when some crusty old asshole starts eyeballing me up and down. At first I'm thinking he's looking at the bags of chips I'm standing next to, only it turns out he's looking directly at my uniform. "Excuse me - are you on duty?" "Why?" "Your badge is on your uniform" Now before I proceed any further, I will say that it is not a line badge but just a simple ID badge where I work. The KMC area has tons of installations where people were some stupid badge just to make themselves feel important and look cool in front of others. It wasn't a secure area badge either but one that some asshole somewhere pushed for, most likely to justify their job in the military some how. Anycase, back to the story. This crusty old dude has to be at least in his late 50's or something - perhaps a contractor or some retiree - I have no idea since this dude is wearing his Mr Rogers outfit and dragging around his fat ugly wife with a shopping cart full of cat food and cleaning supplies - all I know is that he's making a scene over something so stupid and ridiculous. "I just got off work" I explained to him, politely yet firmly. "Well you need to take it off" he replied emphatically. "Yes sir" I fired back in a half-assed tone of respect. My mother looks at me, looks at him and then decides to have a shit-fit in the store, asking why it is this guy is being a total douche to me for no reason. "Because he can be." Technically the old bastard was correct. If you really wanna live your life by some regulation then every second of every day, SOMEONE out there is violating some dress and appearance guidance or whatever - frankly the way I see it, there's more to life than sweating something so stupid and inane. Believe it or not I'm the kind of person that focuses on the 99% of stuff that's done right versus the 1% that's wrong and fucked up. It sounds like bullshit but if you saw my work ethic you'd agree with this statement. I just use this piece of shit blog to vent and make an ass of myself anonymously - that's all. I took my badge off for just a moment until I was out of eyesight of this geriatric fucker and then put it back on fully knowing that nobody else gives a damn whether or not I have this stupid piece of plastic stuck to my shirt or up my ass where the dead gerbil and canary fight for breathing space. I've learned that being in the military means you're wrong no matter what and it's far better just to appease whatever dickhead is bothering you for the moment in order to get him out of your face, than it is to sit there and argue about something stupid and pointless and then get your ass reamed for being insubordinate later on. For the rest of the car ride home I had to listen to both scrutiny and then praise for not losing my cool in public and taking it all with a grain of salt. It's all in a day's work the way I see it. Chances are if I ever see old iron-butt again he won't remember me from the next asshole he decides to harass publicly. Perhaps if I'm lucky I'll be wearing my favorite Venom t-shirt with the huge Satanic pentagram on the front of it and a marijuana leaf ski cap. Give the fucker a heart attack and rid the world of one less crusty old asshole.

Weekend Madness

Okay. So I haven't had much of a chance to update this piece of shit blog that keeps all you fuckers entertained only because I've been running around like some goddamned retard with his hair on fire. Case in point I went to Mosel with STACY and her new boyfriend RAAB. I was going to brutalize the fuck outta RAAB, only he's kinda cool and didn't deserve the normal punishment I dish out to fucking assholes who wanna bang my troops. Kinda quiet dude and Stacy swears up and down he's a virgin BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA yeah right. RAAB is only playing that shit because he knows the chixdiggit. I suppose I could learn a thing or two from him. Eh. Whatever. Anycase I went to Mosel on Sat-turd-day as I mentioned and then went to Neulienigen Castle on Sunday. Both days were raucous wine-tasting days where I would get shit-faced on the wine we were trying. Usually I'm a beer kinda guy and will cross deserts far and wide for Jack & Coke, but I decided to put my nuts in a jar by the door for once and drink some pussy liquor for a change. With the 2006 FIFA World Cup bullshit going on you can't even make it to downtown Kaiserslautern without some bullshit stau holding you up. No way in hell am I gonna go down there just to drink beer and get into fights with some bullshit soccer hooligans. Fucking assholes will ruin my buzz. Oh yeah. And I bought an X-BOX 360 yesterday. With the works. The fucking thing is still sitting inside the box and I won't have a chance to play with it like some goddamned retard until the semester is over. I've got a shitload of homework to do since I'm taking big-boy German and don't have the luxury of fucking around with piddly shit (such as this blog for example). Expect updates here whenever and where ever I can find time.

What the fuck

What the fuck was up with Blogger these past few days? Jeezus Fucking Christ - it was like the fucking website shut down right after 6-6-6 Day or something. And I wanted to do some updates. Perhaps it was some stupid curse as a result of my posting. Or perhaps some dumbass at Blogger didn't pay attention to what he was doing and wiped out a shitload of important files. Whatever. Anycase I took my fitness test the other day and passed the fucker. I cranked out my sit-ups, push-ups and ran my ass off. For doing 1 1/2 mile in 12:07 I suppose it's not too bad for some miserable old bastard like myself. Today we were doing office PT and these kids who are 19,20 years old are crapping out - can't even do 10 push-ups without breaking a sweat and giving up. And I outran them all too. Come to think of it, what's up with younger people in the military these days? THEY'RE ALL FUCKING FAT. Now I'm not one to cast stones, as I was once a former fat-ass as well, only I put down the Twinkies and the X-Box controller and made it a point to go to the gym 5 days a week. I still do and it shows when I do my fitness testing. I think we're going to have alot of people score shitty when it comes time to do their annual test. I need to get drunk. And laid. Perhaps in my inebriated state can bang the local fat chick or something. Or perhaps some nasty old German woman in her 50's looking to score some young dick. Women are like dogshit as the saying goes - the older they get the easier they are to pick up. So long as I don't have to deal with her once the beer wears off, I suppose it's all good. That's why people have sex in bathroom stalls. Tomorrow I'm going to Mosel and Sunday I'm going to Neulienigen with STACY and her new man. I'm gonna torture the fuck outta this kid as to why it is he's banging my troop and hasn't had the decency to introduce himself to me yet. I wanna ask him if the carpet matches the curtains or not. Heh.

Happy 6-6-6 Day

Yes, today as you all know is 6 June 2006. Or simply

6-6-6 Day

Christians everywhere are holding their breath in anticipation of the appearance or perhaps the birth of their false messiah. They are looking to the Book of Revelations and trying to match up world events with prophesized events that were foretold over 2000 years ago.



Well kids, the Anti-Christ did appear today and if you're lucky, you can still catch him. He appeared at your local mall in the food court, dressed up in a Mexican wrestling outfit, and wearing a little matching cape. Kids get free balloons and he's signing autographs too. If you remember to bring a camera with you, you can get your photo taken with him. During an intermission he will do special wrestling moves for the public while the Satan's Cheerleaders do their pom-pom dances and cheers for the audience. T-shirts and other paraphenalia will be on sale for $6.66 today, but today only, so stock up on gifts for the kids' birthdays, Christmas, and graduation gifts. The buttons with his face make excellent stocking stuffers.



Jesus, as you know, is Messican. Don't believe me? Look at this photo I took at Rothenburg over the weekend as proof! So by default, the Anti-Christ is Messican as well.


And he entered America as an illegal too.

Rothenburg City

Sat-turd-day I went to Rothenburg City which is a good 3 hour drive. I dragged my mother out there and STACY decided to tag along as well since she had nothing better to do over the weekend. Stacy is not your prima donna trophy girl by any stretch of the imagination but she's fun to hang out with and if I'm lucky I can convince her to be a friend with benefits. She says I'm too old but we'll see about that. Anycase Rothenburg has a Midieval Torture Museum as well as "Hell Restaurant", in addition to being very well preserved. I look at this snapshot in time and wonder what the fuck happened to the rest of Europe. Granted it's a tourist trap but aside from a fresh coat of paint and electricity, very little has changed over all. It makes me wonder why America has become such a shit hole too and how we've allowed it to become what it is. I took a shitload of photos and decided to post my favorites. Take a look-see. The Iron Maiden Shame Masks and iron shoes An Executioner's mask and axe This is a book on SAINT WALBURGA taken from the museum of witchcraft just behind the torture museum. Walpugisnacht is aptly named in her honor. "To Hell" A quaint restaurant despite its name. There are little toy devils in the window pane you can't see from this shot. The original (?) street sign Close up of the table cloth. There is this one church there that allegedly has a glass vial that contains 3 drops of the blood of Jesus Christ. Personally I think it's a crock of shit dreamt up by some bored city officials as means of increasing tourism since the time of Jesus Christ's execution he was just another garden variety nut-job running around the Roman empire. It's no different than someone claiming 300 years from now they have the blood of Elvis Presley preserved. Still, it's a pretty altar and I will crop and post the pic when I get around to it. Someday. Anycase tomorrow is 6 June 06 - aka 6-6-6 day. This is when ANTI-CHRIST MAN will appear to all the bad little boys and girls in his wrestling outfit and treat them out to cake and ice cream. It should be a real hoot. Stay tuned.

Gomez

So I got a new guy in last week. I'll call him GOMEZ. Dude can't stand my raucous behavior and can already tell he tolerates me in small doses. Fucker. Anycase I've been having to drag his ass around from Point A to Point B getting his retarded ass inprocessed and shit. I've already spent $40 in gas on this asshole and countless hours it seems getting shit prepared for his arrival, but that's what sponsors do. Now throw in all the usual bullshit I've been having to work with (literally being a one-man shop) plus the fact that my boss has been out of the office for the past 2 weeks, making me the next in charge by default. I hate being the boss since that means I inherit everybody else's headaches, causing my blood pressure to sky-rocket and give me the mess that I'm currently in right now. All I can say is that Gomez better be one sharp motherfucker once he gets settled in since we'll be working together. He better be Johnny-on-the-Spot with shit too. STACY is taking a liking to him. She hasn't fucked Zhombie yet (that I know of) but my chips are on that she'll try fucking Gomez if given the chance. Of course because we get along so well (perhaps too well) the entire office to include my supervisor thinks that her and I are going to end up having wild S&M sex soon. She says I'm too old for her but we'll see about that. Anycase I dragged their stupid asses out tonight to see Mission Impossible 3 at the kino and Gomez smelled like he had been working at an orchard in Southern California picking avacados all day and desperately needed a shower. Goddamn that fucker stank! To change tracks for a moment - when watching MI:3, I marveled at the bathroom scene inside the Vatican where Phillip Seymour Hoffman is washing his shirt in the sink and Tom Cruise tries to butt-plunder his ass. It's very rare that I ever have a religious experience or a divine revelation, BUT GODDAMMIT I HAD ONE. I NEED TO GO TO THE VATICAN SO I CAN TAKE A SHIT ON THE WORLD'S FINEST TOILET BEFORE I LEAVE GERMANY. MOTHERFUCKER. IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO ON THIS PLANET, I WILL LIVE TO SEE THIS COME TO PASS. I can only imagine how spiritually enlightening the whole experience will be. I mean think about it. You're taking a shit in God's house. On one of his thrones. They have to be made out of the finest porcelain and of course the toilet seat is made from pure gold. Al Bundy would weep tears of joy if he saw what I saw. Perhaps instead of becoming a snuff-film porn star I should become the janitor in the Vatican. That way I can mix business with pleasure. Do my doo-ty to God and my country. Anycase. Gomez sucks. Fuck him. He's too nice for me like my last co-worker was. We called this asshole UNCLE FESTER only he was black but otherwise bore a striking resemblance to the man. Uncle Fester was too gentle for my liking and Gomez is mild as well. He'd have a dozen girls come visit him and I'd ask how many times he had fucked any of them. Of course he would deny it and I called him a liar. "They're just friends" he play off. "So do they know about eachother" I would fire back. Friends. Yeah right. Friends with benefits perhaps! D'oh!!!! Chances are Gomez will be the next ladies man of the office. If that's the case he can throw some leftovers my way or something.