Your goddamned cell phone

Turn the shit off.

Seriously people. What the fuck izzit that possess people to let these fucking things ring 4 or 5 tones before they decide to answer them?

It's so fucking annoying to listen to this shit when you're enjoying a movie, or trying to concentrate on a term paper at the local library. Usually the asshole whose phone is out of control has some annoying thump-thump ba-donka-donk song playing, trying to impress people how 'hip' or how 'down' he is, when in reality he's nothing more than some annoying twat who thinks he's all that. And then when he's talking on the phone, he tries to either sound how important he is, or how 'cool' he sounds butchering the English language.

Even listening to normal telephones ring constantly irritates the shit out of me. I just want to reach up and rip the goddamned thing out of the wall socket and throw it out the window. I gotta listen to that shit all day at work but fuck if I'm gonna listen to some sawed-off street thug's 50 Cent ring tone when I'm trying to enjoy some privacy! FUCK!!!

So, to better improve my own life and the lives of those around me, here's a Public Service Announcement from The Machine:

You. Yes you.

Turn your fucking cell phone off the next time you're in public. Or put the shit down your pants and leave it on vibrate. Better yet if you're gonna do that, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. I DON'T WANNA HEAR THE SHIT!

Keep your voice down. Nobody wants to hear your stupid conversation. PRIVACY IS CONTAGIOUS.

TWAT.

London Calling

Heh.

So I figure as much time as I've spent on mainland Europe, visiting France, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Belgium and the Netherlands, I need to go to that lost clump of a turd that still counts as being part of Europe but doesn't want to own up and admit that they fucked over the E.U. when they refused to switch over to the Euro as their main currency in 1999:

England.

Yes, those goddamned limey bastards will be graced with my presence this weekend. The very land that brought us bad teeth, Benny Hill, and America as we know it will once again be graced with my presence. Tomorrow I will fly out to London and for the weekend I'll party it up Ipswich style.

See, The Machine was originally in the United Kingdom from 1990-92 and then again in 1999 and loved it absolutely each time. If it weren't for the fact that the place is so goddamned fucking expensive, I'd go over there more often.

Okay. That's total bullshit.

Actually what I hate is having to spend time on an airplane. I'm not afraid that the airplane will crash and everyone will die in a horrible fiery inferno, no, I detest flying for the very reason that there's always some annoying douchebag who talks too loud, smells like 3 day old cat piss and body odor, or some goddamned annoying screaming kid who won't let you sleep, or is kicking the back of the chair during the entire flight. No joke. Once when I left Korea I saw some little kid playing the bongo on the back of some stranger's head and adashi just sat there and took it, never once turning around and breaking the little fucker's arms in half. Had it been me, I would've quickly become the "ugly American" that everyone talks about and make certain that the rest of the flight would be a pleasant experience.

So this is my first time taking Ryan Air. It's supposively the Soutwest Airlines of Europe, only cheaper and without the excellent customer service - just uber-shitty, first come-first serve seating and absolutely NO FRILLS like in-flight snacks or drinks. Considering that it's only an hour flight from Germany to England, I think I can manage.

One thing I didn't plan on originally when I had booked my flight was that the G-20 meeting would be going on this weekend. Already some assholes have been rioting and frankly I don't want to be anywhere near those fuck-holes if they're going to ruin my weekend trip. Stay the fuck away from me and we'll be fine. I think that globalization is total shite as well, and that the world economy sucks too but tearing shit up isn't the way to go about things. Cops (with guns) fight back, your stupid ass gets beat, and then you go to jail over a fleeting coup that failed. Governments and their banks continue to oppress their peoples and all the while nobody gave two shits that you put your neck out on the line, and people like myself view you as being more of a nuisance who deserved to get their ass beat for causing such a scene in the first place. All thing considered, I should be fine since I will only get on the Tubes to get over to East Anglia and then from there take the British Rail to Ipswich where I can get drunk at Hollywood's of Ipswich on several pints of Foster's, eat one of the world famous Baba's Kebabs across the street from the Odeon theater, and then go throw it up on whatever hot British slag I can get my hands on. The perfect evening.

Heh. If anything perhaps I should wear a t-shirt that says "I heart G-20" and see how many of those asshole beat me mercilessly into the ground. I'll make sure that I'm in front of a CNN newscamera giving the big 'thumbs up' and a shit-eating grin just moments before I get mauled by the crowd. Hopefully it will make Ebaum's World or You Tube!

Knowing my luck I'll get my ass kicked by a bunch of drunk and rowdy soccer hooligans and the British Police will thank them for doing it since they still hate us Yanks for breaking away from the Motherland. That stuff happens all the time so it's not like that would make the news.

Go Manchester United.

Heh.