Spotted in Germany

Where has Butthead of Beavis and Butthead fame been all these years?

Why here in Germany of course!

It goes to show that Butthead knows how to get the bitches and Beavis will always be spanking the monkey.

Where is Beavis you may ask? Why MEXICO of course! Where he serves as the fluffer for "Pedro", the main star of the Tijuana Donkey Show, when he has to perform for a live audience of drunk frat boys visiting from Kenosha Wisconsin and sailors on liberty pass from nearby San Diego. Last word reported was that Beavis had a 'finger licking good' time with this new job that he never trade for his old job at Burger World.

So rock on Beavis, Rock on.

And rock on Butthead, rock on.

Du bist zu geile fur diese Welt.

The Niedersachsen Crop Circle Part 2

Heh.


I decided yesterday to drive back up to Niedersachsen to see the two new crop circle formations that popped up. The drive up was practically fucking murder since the rainstorm from Hell decided to start pouring down as I was making my way through Hessen. My GPS took me through a back route and not the original route I took Monday, which proved to be equally frustrating since some stupid woman who couldn't drive for shit decided to do 50 km on the back roads and wouldn't allow anyone to pass her. I was stuck at some stupid traffic light because of her for 10 minutes which could've been completely avoided had she simply continued driving the split second the light went from green to yellow but instead slammed on the brakes and fucked things up for me and the dude behind her (and people wonder why it is that road rage happens all the time). What should've taken 3 1/2 hours ended up more like being 5 hours after all was said and done. And for that matter, DO NOT buy the Garmin Nuvi GPS - it is a total piece of shit and will have you taking turns where there are no roads and make you take the long way around an otherwise straight-shot on the autobahn. Fuck those assholes for making such a shitty product. But I digress.

Anycase, I drove first to see the crop circle in Wolbrechthausen since it was closer to the original crop circle in Baterode - and alot more elaborate. Needless to say, I make it there and the field had already been harvested by the farmer - any indications that a crop circle existed were now gone, since all there was left now was just a cut area. I looked around to make sure I wasn't looking in the wrong direction, but none of the other areas matched the photo from Crop Circle Connector.

So without wasting anytime, I headed over to the formation at Burg Plesse. I parked my car and these two dudes walking their dogs confirmed that the circle was indeed here, only it was inaccessible from the ground where we were currently at. They told me that I could get a great view from the tower at the castle, and gave me directions how to get from there. Ironically enough these two hot chicks were walking by when this happened but gave the three of us uneasy looks as they passed by. I wanted to ask them if they knew of the crop circle (and more importantly if either of them were open to the idea of having sex with a total stranger inside it), but they took off before I could get the chance to ask. Dammit.

I made my way up to the castle, but the tower had been closed off. My German is good enough to decipher most of what is written and said but the sign posted on the tower door said something about being closed for the rest of the summer for some reason I couldn't make out. Argh! What a fucking disappointment!

So I ended up making my way back down to the crop circle, and decided to take these photos:

Click to enlarge







As you can see from these 3 photos, the crop circle was indeed accessible, but only the farmer who owned the field didn't want anyone to tresspass and posted this sign:

Click to enlarge



It basically says that they don't go driving through your garden, so don't be obnoxious and go prancing around like some asshole through their field, and that any trespassers caught would be turned over to the Polizei. Any photos to be taken should be taken from the tower. Since I take great offense to people who don't do as they're kindly asked, I wasn't about to go into the formation myself and be that ugly douchebag American that we're notorious for behaving like when we're visiting abroad. With any luck the dudes walking their dogs were probably the family of the farmers just checking up on the thing for all I know.

I did get the impression that because this formation had been made recently, that its power was still active, unlike the one located at Barterode. Once again, I got the impression that this was made by spirits and not by UFOs possibly, taking into account stories of "Faerie Circles" or "Faerie Rings" from ancient Celtic mythology, it seems to make sense. I also got the impression that this was made as a means of cheer, and not a warning of impending doom or a divine message of sorts the way alot of people are interpreting the circles in England at the current moment.

I decided to drive around Goettingen for a while before heading home, getting stuck in 2 staus along the way. I don't know what it is about the A7 and the A4 but they really need to finish whatever work it is they're doing since they're really taking a long time and putting everyone in a foul mood. I arrived home exhausted and but slept like shit on account that my neighbor had a some machinery going for the new drive way he was installing first thing in the morning. Jeezus Fucking Christ you assholes.

And speaking of asses, when I did wake up, my ass was hurting once again, but not from something I ate like the other day. I didn't have to take a dump so what the hell could it be? I touched my hairy ass and felt that it was different so how...smooth in some places and still rough in the others. WTF? I ran to my bathroom and looked in the mirror AND THERE WAS A FUCKING CROP CIRCLE FORMATION ON MY ASS!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Ha ha - Just kidding!)

Crop Circle-Jerk

Two more crop circles have appeared since writing yesterday's post

And I'm half-tempted to go see them!

Dammit....hotties.....who can contact to see if they want to go along with me? I haven't exactly been the ladies' man as of recent, but this is a gold mine just waiting to be taken advantage of. Better hit the bars.....

Or if push comes to shove I can just bring a copy of Seventeen Magazine and spank the monkey inside the center portion. Dutch porn wins over German porn any day of the week in my opinion.

Ugh. Getting laid in the pursuit of the unknown shouldn't be such hard work.

(Pun not intended)

The Niedersachsen Crop Circle

My morning started yesterday rather painfully when I was woken up at 7 am. My ass was killing me too. Why? Why was it so painful? I'm not gay so any kind of raunchy butt sex is out of the question, and I didn't have any kind of hemorrhoids flaring up that I knew of.....no...I had to take a major dump as a result of eating a 12 inch pepperoni pizza all by myself and there was no way that Mother Nature was going to let me get in an extra hour of sleep. Goddammit.

I suppose that waking up an hour earlier than expected was good, considering I was going to drive 3 1/2 hours up to Northern Germany in the Niedersachsen region to see a crop circle. For years I've been fascinated by these things and wondered if they were truly an act of mysterious forces, or if indeed they were all a bunch of horse shit stories crafted by the media.

The place in question was just outside of Goettingen named Barterode - a town that when you drive through it is just as easily forgettable as the next country village you encounter, but click the link to see the crop circle in question that formed just outside its limits:

Crop Circle Connector - Barterode

I've always seen pictures of these in England and I've always wondered why they have so many in comparison to the rest of the world, and here was my chance to see one up close and in person.

Driving there and back wasn't a big deal, considering you can really haul ass on the Autobahn and make great time - 130 kilometers is just the right speed too if you ask me. All the way up I thought to what I might experience when I see this thing in person - some people report feeling nauseau or time distortion, while others have reported a feeling of calmness and serenity. Would I experience any of these feelings as well? People also have mentioned UFO activity around these things. Would I finally witness a UFO in person and not rely on You Tube footage? Who knows?

I finally got there and at first I thought I had missed it. I saw what I thought were some circular bends in the grain from the road, but I wasn't too certain. As you can see in the first photo, the field looks pretty non-descript and you can drive right by it and not realize there's anything there in the first place.



But this was definitely the right place! I had written the pilot who had taken the photograph and he gave me the specific coordinates that I plugged into my GPS and I had definitely hit pay-dirt. I started walking in the field and was cautious to see if there was perhaps anything unusual or pecuilar about this formation. I found a dead field mouse that looks like it had been ran over by the farmer's tractor but nothing else. No empty beer cans, used condoms or New-Age assholes either.



This photo is kinda jacked, but this is definitely the tradtional crushed wheat that most of these crop circles have - it was going in a clock-wise formation (sorry but you have to tilt your head to see it).



Here's the center of the top circle - I didn't walk to the second circle partially because I forgot there was a second part, but as you can see, it's nothing special at all. Nothing cosmic or bizarre - just crushed wheat as mentioned before.



And again the same circle from a slightly different view. No feelings of nauseau or spirituality, although I did get the impression that I was being watched at first, and that possibly I was not welcome. After a while it seemed to me that perhaps what all these UFO nuts and New-Agers might have missed the mark all entirely as to what these phenomenon are: religious altars made by the pagan gods and spirits who were once worshipped by the Celts and the Europeans before Christianity wiped them out, and because there has been a revival of Wicca that they're waking up again after being out of action for the past 2000 years. A god is only as strong as its followers, and the quickest way to gain notoriety is by doing something to this effect, and let's face it - miracles on the Christian side of the house have been few and far between from what I can remember.

Could this possibly be the truth? Think about it - if some street thug gang member wants his presence to be made known, he spray paints his symbol around town - I view crop circles as being no different - pagan spirits and possibly demons in direct opposition of one another have been making these things as means of having a cosmic pissing contest as to who is the biggest and baddest of them all, all the while clueless people thinking that they are messages intended for humanity when they're not, considering that these things are meant to be seen from the sky. Makes perfect sense to me when you take into consideration that Satan can be found in the air we breathe (reference Ephesians 2:2).

It makes perfect sense to me at least. I think that any energy that crop circles may have are consumed when they are being created, and within a week any residual that's been left over has vanished. The demon pops out and goes about its business. Think of it like taking a 9 volt battery and tasting it with your tongue - that little 'jolt' is enough to get people excited but in the grand scheme of things won't make your fire alarm or your Norwegian sex toys operate.

Anycase I walked all over this thing for 10 minutes and felt nothing. Because I had a 2-liter of Diet Pepsi for me to drink on the way up, I decided to take a whizz in the center portion and text message a few friends about it. Might as well make the trip memorable at least.

On the way back home it did start to rain and if it's one thing I hate, it's driving on the Autobahn when the weather is shitty, since so many people forget that the laws of physics still apply. In between dodging shitty drivers from hydroplaning, an awesome idea came to me - next time I see one of these crop circles, I NEED TO HAVE SEX IN IT! I need to find a hottie with an open mind to have sex with in one of these things to see if anything mystical will happen. Or better yet, take it one step further and FILM A PORNO using crop circles as the background setting! Think about it! It could be a great way to revitalize the industry as we know it!




Anycase I also found this creepy looking ice cream van parked outside of some abandoned town house. Nice. I can hear the muffled cries of the kidnapped echo and the fat greasy Italian guy who put them to work making fake FILA clothing. The things you find when you're out and about no less.

So over all are crop circles worth all the hype? Eh not so much although I still want to see more when they pop up. I will say that my day ended the same way it started - by me taking another monster dump as a result of eating the Autobahn food. Kids, if you're going to do any extensive traveling in Europe, might I recommend you bring snacks on the trip.

Ugh. My colon is still rumbling as I write this. Heh.




(Special thanks to the dude at www.goeflug.de for giving me directions to the crop circle)

Demon Days

So here it is the summertime and it's in full swing. Germany has been getting a rash of hot weather all this past week or so and people are dropping like flies practically. Myself, I wake up at the butt-crack of noon and play video games until midnight. If I'm so inclined I go out to eat or to get out of the house for a bit. It's nice not having to worry about anything for the next month or so.

One good thing about the hot weather is that all the hotties are out in their summer clothes and horny bastards like myself enjoy getting a free show checking out their skimpy outfits. On the flip side they have fat beasts out wearing their summer tents too which is why I quickly avert my eyes when one of these hippos in size a size 26 parachute comes trolling out with her two screaming brats.

I went to the lake nearby the other day too in hopes of seeing some topless chicks since the Germans are into that kinda thing. Not a one. Instead I saw some old dude change his Speedo in public, exposing his bare naked flabby ass to the world for all to see - both young and old alike. I was mortified - my eyes became petrified and I had to use Medusa brand eye drops to get rid of the image. Good thing he didn't turn around either, lest his fruit basket be witnessed and then I have to scrub my brain out with toxic chemicals. I swear it's like a bad Benny Hill comedy skit.

I need to get laid. Need to find some hottie that will let me give her the Shocker too since everyone I know talks about it but nobody has ever admitted to doing it or having it done to themselves. I think the thing is an urban legend, kinda like those chain letters you get that say if you don't forward the e-mail then some maniac will break out of prison and will come teabag you in your sleep. I could be the first to prove that the Shocker does indeed exist, and that chicks dig it. Come to think of it, I'm secretly convinced that alot of chicks like anal sex too, only they're afraid that if they admit it, that they'll be treated like some gang-bang sex puppet by their boyfriends. I know I'm not imagining this shit, nor am I making it up either.

So hopefully these demon days will be enjoyed - perhaps I should go to Amsterdam or Switzerland for shits n' grins. Might as well while I can.