Being Old

Heh. Being old sucks.

Black Rusted Garbage Truck

Okay.

So I was thinking the other day "What if I can't become a high school janitor if I were to get fired and drive a black rusted van? Then what would I do?"

Such pointless hypothetical questions come to me from time to time, which I usually entertain since I have nothing better to do for the moment. Kinda like wasting time in front of a mirror looking for any zits to squeeze or ingrown hairs to pull out.

So what would I do? Well I figured if I couldn't do the janitor gig, or become an amateur porn star in some trailer park somewhere in Tennessee or Alabama, I would become a Death Metal Garbage Man. That's right. A GARBAGE MAN.

Think about it. I could drive around a black rusted garbage truck and paint all sorts of fucked up Satanic pentagrams and flames on the sides of it. Throw on some barbed wire for decoration and some mannequins that resemble dismembered bodies painted with lots of red paint to resemble blood. Perhaps some ceramic skulls and plastic demons too.I could hook up huge flood lights on the front and on the sides similar to the type emergency service vehicles have for additional safety and lighting.

But here comes the best part - I would hook SPEAKERS up to the outside of the black rusted garbage truck as well - similar to what all those fuck-wit street thugs have in their cars when they drive by pumping their "Crunk" shit and disturbing the peace. Only, instead of some sawed-off ghetto rat's music, I'd play DEATH METAL and the like as I am driving through your neighborhood at 3 am in the morning collecting your trash. I figure why not? After all the ice cream man can get away with playing his music box melodies so why not crank some SLAYER or DIMMU BORGIR as I'm sifting through dirty diapers, dirty syringes, and 3 week left-overs your retarded ass threw out to leave baking all day in the hot sun?

I figure this could be an acceptable profession once I retire or separate if the whole BAD SANTA thing doesn't work out for me. You can even threaten your kids that if they don't clean their plates for dinner, you'll let THE GARBAGEMAN kidnap them the same way our parents filled our heads will bullshit horror stories when we were kids. They'll never be late for supper again.

German'd Out

I am offically German'd Out. I am so fucking tired of studying this language which just becomes all the more confusing as it is complex that I will cry tears of joy if I never have to take anothr class again. I had my final tonight and felt like complete dog shit when taking the test. I was not at all prepared as I thought I would be. Eh. Fuck it. Make the fucking krauts speak English I say. After all money talks and the Almighty Dollar speaks our language. Originally I took the class to become on better terms with my landlord and surrounding neighbors, only now I don't give two shits, and if I'm going to continue learning the language it's because I want to get down some German hotties' pants. Let's not confuse things here. No more German food, no more German culture. Just video games, porn, and booze.

I'm not happy until you're not happy

I swear. At times I live only just to piss other people off. And I love it too. Most people I view as being either an inconvenience or a waste of flesh, depending on their overall value to me. This is no different for family members, close friends, or co-workers. Today I upset at least 3 people to include my mother - I had to take her somewhere during lunch, only it never happened because the goddamned Germans backed up the fucking A6 like a toilet at a Texas chili-eating contest. And to make matters worse, the only bridge that helps shave 10 minutes off a drive was still being worked on since January, which forced me to take the Plan C route where every goddamned truck driving asshole decided to drive the same route as well. So to make a long story short I told my mom the shit she wanted to do wasn't going to happen since I was in a royal shitty fucking mood from all of that plus this heatwave we've been having. To say she was disappointed is an understatement. Some dickhead on Vogelweh wouldn't let me back out on to the street when this big-ass truck was coming my direction. The geriatric fuck laid on the car horn and yelled at me some fierce shit. I told him to go fuck himself in the polite military lingo and that he had no choice but to deal with it. His retarded ass was parked behind a stop sign too when all of this was going on. I swear if I was Anti-Christ I would ban all interstate trucks, mini-vans, taxis, buses, and SUVs on the road when I am out driving. I don't like flying nor do I enjoy traveling via ship, so fahren sehr schon it is. STACY who is now on the fat-kid program was 20 minutes late to work this morning and gave her a verbal counseling since it was the second time this month it happened, and threatened her with a written counseling letter if it happened again. Not only that but she was chowing down on 2 slices of pizza during lunch when she knows better than to be doing that. Since she's been put on the fat-kid program I've seen her shovel more junk food and shit into her mouth than before hand. I started to give her grief about it, since I was a former fat-ass that was also on the program, and criticized her for having lack of discipline. Of course the shit ain't easy. Of course it sucks eating bird seed and rabbit food, but goddammit don't come crying the blues when shit starts rolling down hill. Some days I'm fun to be around, but days like today I am a complete fucking bastard and don't care who gets their feelings hurt. C.ADAM and CRAZYGIRL both refer to me as being like Billy Bob Thornton in the movie BAD SANTA and can't help but to laugh and agree. I AM that insensitive, foul-mouth bastard whose only ambition in life is to watch out for himself no matter what the cost. And I absolutely love it too.

Fuck-wits

I swear. GOMEZ is a fuck-wit and a half. I told the fucker last week to clean his desk since his office is in a high vis area and the fucker ignored me. He goes on leave this week, but comes in today to get some shit when I yelled at him for ignoring me and made the fuck-tard clean his desk on the spot. I asked him where some folders were regarding our job and the moron says "Oh yeah I took them home over the weekend so I could work on them". You IDIOT! YOU IMBECILE! It takes the average person NO MORE THAN 5 FUCKING MINUTES OUT OF THEIR TIME to read and do the updates I asked you to do - the reason why I gave the kid the tasking was to familiarize him with the process of it all. And he's supposed to be the SMART ONE out of my pack of HEMORRHOIDS. I remember the teacher from You Can't Do That On Television - the show on Nickelodeon back in the 80's - he always had this quote he would always use, which became a favorite phrase of mine "Where do they find them, and why do they keep sending them to me?" and now I can completely empathize with the fucker. If Gomez and the rest of the HEMORRHOIDS are any indication of what the future of the military is going to be like, we're all in serious trouble. I would like to chalk it up to youth, only the guy is like 26 years old or some shit - a man by most accounts. I'm glad we don't trust this guy with any weapons, sharp objects or heavy machinery.

Zombie Fucker: The Movie

So I was out with Annette last night - the girl with the big monster tits and the bad grill (remember: Austin Powers grill we're talking) when I was telling her about my idea for a movie. She expressed to me how she likes horror flicks (unusual for a woman) when I decided to run it by her:

ZOMBIE FUCKER: THE MOVIE

The movie takes place in Podunk, USA when there is a meteor shower one night that all the local hillbillies are out sight-seeing. A bright meteor comes streaking from the heavens and lands in a wooded area and some college kids want to go check the thing out. When they arrive at the crash site all they find is a glowing hull that has been hollowed out, and they think nothing of it.

It turns out there were zombies inside the metorite - space trash from URANUS - that was sent our way. It turns out the space aliens there didn't take too kindly to us sending a secret space crew to the planet in attempt to harness their supply of methane, and solving our energy crisis once and for all. The greedy space aliens knowing how important their planet is to us, decided to turn our astronauts into zombies as a way of communicating their displeasure for our interference, but with a twist - they've given the zombies super sexual powers and anyone they fuck will turn into a zombie too, kinda like the way how when a vampire bites you, you become a vampire too.

So the zombies start to wander around and fuck anything with legs - in the spirit of all cheesey B-movies, there's always the big-titted bimbo, the stereotypical slack-jawed yokel, the token black guy who dies for no apparent reason, as well as the college kids who save the day through dumb luck and a cool soundtrack to boot. The zombies will poison our water supply (how else? By taking a dump of course) and will befall misfortunes while wandering around this one-horse town - walk into fire, get electrocuted, get hit by a truck, and piss off the farmer's bull. Comedic relief.

No place would be safe from the zombies either - they'll fuck anything they can get their hands on regardless of its location - the barn, the civic center, the local church, the burger grill too - just don't be surprised if there's extra "secret sauce" on that burger you order!

Finally word gets out that these space zombies were sent in retaliation for our government's meddling, when the National Guard is sent out to clean the mess up. Of course this fails since they're space zombies, and ultimately it's the college kids solution of dumb luck and death metal soundtrack which saves the day. If it's one thing zombies can't survive it's the really loud noise of an electric guitar - makes their heads explode like that 3 day old zit on your face. Splatter EVERYWHERE. One of the stoner kids puts in some DEICIDE while rolling a joint, completely unaware of the zombie waitress behind him that's ready to jump his bones. It isn't until he turns around to see her steaming carcass on the floor does he shit his pants and realize what just happened.

So there yah have it. ZOMBIE FUCKER: THE MOVIE would have all the cheese of a Tobe Hooper film, George Romero, Chucky and Nightmare of Elm Street but would lack the entire porn aspect all together. If the dude who made the film "Lord of the Strings" could get his hands on a copy of the script, he'd be impressed, I guarantee.


Annette just looked at me and laughed when I pitched the idea to her.

Heckle & Jeckle

Goddammit it's been hot here in Germany lately. I've been sweatin' like a whore in church too ~ just the other day I had this monster fucking migraine that popped up outta nowhere when I was at the gym doing my weightlifting routine. I was drinking water and ice tea all day so I was properly hydrating (or so I thought) until that bad bastard popped up like an ice cream headache times 10. It was brutal too. I decided to call it an early night after popping some aspirin and slept it off. Now it looks like it's going to cool off somewhat with rain clouds coming in. People in the office just aren't operating at full capacity neither it seems. The heat is taking its toll of them despite the windows are wide open, fans are going and the lights are turned off. They just sit there and bullshit instead of doing work. Of course me being the office asshole I tell people to get to work. One of my HEMORRHOIDS was caught sleeping at his desk when MY BOSS happened to walk in and bitched him out - she fussed at me too, but the sad thing was that his co-worker who is just as incompetent as he is was sitting there the entire time and didn't SAY SHIT to him either - he just let it happen. Allegedly they're "boyz" or whatever outside of work but even so it would carry to think they would watch out for one another while on the job. Apparently not. I haven't come up with names for them yet, but HECKLE & JECKLE seems appropriate for the time being, so they'll be known as that until I can think of something better. Speaking of which, it reminds me of a story from about 10-12 years ago when I was living in North Carolina. (A) North Carolina sucks. Period. You can't convince me otherwise I spent 3 1/2 years in that shithole not by choice (Uncle Sam sent me there) and (B) I will never return there on my own free will for any extended length of stay. Perhaps just passing through for logistical purposes (I-95 and I-40 both run through this unfortunate stretch of land and there's no way around it) on my way to DC or some other place above the Mason-Dixon line. Having established that, I had to do barracks detail one week when I came across these two morons who were getting kicked out of the military and everyone referred to them as HECKLE & JECKLE too. These two retards were always trying to come up with some kinda scheme that was landing them in hot water - everything from bouncing checks to trying to sneak people on to base in the trunk of their car, these were the great-grandsons of Amos & Andy. They were charged in Corrective Custody, a last-ditch effort by commanders to rehabilitate people's careers before kicking them out all together. I would hear the guy in charge - a cop who was a former drill instructor - yelling and screaming at these two fuck-wits all day and one day even saw all sorts of shit come flying out the top floor window - their shit - clothing primarily. Shirts, socks, boots, uniforms, just make its way out in a blind fury. It was fucking hilarious. Too bad I didn't have a video camera or something with me since I'd love to film it. Stuff like this is what military movies never show. They ended getting kicked outta the military sure enough but goddamn if that still doesn't give me a chuckle when I think about it to this day. Chances are the two retards in my office NOW will turn out the same if they don't get a clue. The JECKLE of the two seems to have his head on better but is easily lead astray by HECKLE, who thinks he's smart but doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. He was talking shit about Korea one day despite having never been there which just solidifies my belief the kid's a fuck-tard. I just hope I don't have to supervise him any time soon.

Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp

I was bumming around the BX yesterday when I found a rare gem from my youth that I had all but forgotten:


LANCELOT LINK: SECRET CHIMP



This show aired on ABC from 1970 - 1972 and I caught the re-runs later on when I was a kid. Imagine the TV show GET SMART with monkeys instead of people acting in them. They had some cheesey 70's stuff thrown in there as well("Chimpies" which were short comedy sketches, as well as "The Evolution Revolution", a band of hippy chimps that played some pretty decent songs considering they were written for mainstream America) but after a while you wondered more if you were watching an off-shoot of the Banana Splits Show or perhaps a Planet of the Apes episode, only without the stupid people running around making asses of themselves.



The government organization known as A.P.E. (Agency to Prevent Evil) was out to defeat C.H.U.M.P (the Criminal Headquarters for Underworld Master Plan), an agency bent on world domination. Lancelot Link is the main hero with Mata Hairi as his side-kick. Together they were out to foil the likes of The Baron and The Dragon Lady, as well as their henchman-turned-chauffer Creto.



It's not so much the 70's kitsch that appeals to me - it's the fact that these chimps were outright ABUSED in order to make the show happen! I mean it's quite obvious looking now how mishandled these creatures were by their owners when watching these episodes. They beat eachother up and have all sorts of shit fall on top of them from huge rocks to bananas. It's quite funny when you remove yourself from all the P.C. horse shit we've been conditioned with today. I for one am hoping there's a bloopers reel on the DVD somewhere, where they show them fighting, flinging poo, masturbating, and just throwing an overall shit-fit the way chimpanzees do when they become frustrated. It would be the best 5 minutes of footage. Ever. Why we don't have caged monkey fights televised today I dunno but I would die laughing if someone had some footage from like Thailand or someplace. Too fucking funny.

I plan on catching the rest of the episodes when I get the chance. They're great.

Don't fuck with Israel

Silly assholes. When will they ever learn? I hope they carve these guys a new asshole or something. You just don't fuck with the Jews and then expect nothing to happen. EVER. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ~ !

Das habe GeMILF

There's this German MILF that I know by the name of KATJA. Now KATJA I know from my time in Japan. I met her husband in my Japanese 101 class originally and thought they were some pretty cool people to get to know. I would bump into them when I'd go out drinking and just bullshit with them. She knew me as this fat, overweight dork that smelled of fuck-repellant instead of the muscular dork that smells of fuck-repellant until I returned to Japan last year and saw her again. She fucking freaked out at how I got into shape and how if she wasn't married, she'd go out with me some time. I figured it was just idle chatter and let it go for what it was. Yesterday I'm walking around base, listening to my mom bitch and nag me how I need to get out more and get laid for a change (she wants grandchildren) when who do I see walk by me with her kid in her hands. KATJA. Never once did I ever think that I would bump into her all the way the fuck back in Germany that's for certain! I got her attention and when she finally remembered I was the muscular dork from last year she gave me a titty-crushing hug that gave me an instant boner on the spot. We're talking COCK-PUSH-UP BONER like the kind that Jack Black muses about. She's still looking hot despite popping a kid out and we talked for about half an hour or so. She was impressed of the German I knew, and introduced me to her friend, PETRA. Petra's a big girl (about a size 10) but I'd bang her like a screen door too if given the chance. She gave me her business card (how odd) just before we went our separate ways. I got Katja's phone number and sent her a text message today that we should go do lunch this week - no response yet. As for her and her man - they're separated and she told me she could care less. Translation: she wants to fuck and doesn't care right now who or what she hooks up with. She's looking to move on to the next chapter in life, only she needs to get the frustration out the only way most women know how to. I figure because I've known this chick for at least 4 years that gives me an edge, plus the fact her and her friend were constantly drooling over how better I look. I figure I'll give her another day or two before I physically CALL her and see what's up for the weekend. If not her, then her friend will make just a perfectly good substitute. Beggars can't be choosers. I kinda feel bad for RONALD her soon-to-be-ex-husband since he's pretty cool and an all around decent guy - I don't know the details as to what's going on, and would almost feel like a total bastard for banging his wife if given the opportunity. ALMOST. I've learned in life that if you don't take advantage of opportunities they rarely present themselves again. I'm tired of jerking off to monkey-porn and can use some feminine affection, even if it's just temporary. But then again anyone with luggage (i.e. KID) tends to make me think twice. On second thought, better not.

Rhine River Cruise

So kids, THE MACHINE went on a cruise on the Rhine River yesterday and saw more German heritage than he could possibly care for all in one day. The Rhine River has more castles that line it than anywhere else in Germany if I'm not mistaken. If you're a castle nut then you have to do this trip. I was kinda bored after the first castle I saw and wanted to go home. I did find a town called ASSMANNHAUSEN - the German translation is 'The houses of Ass Men' possibly? Well considering I found a place called "Bitche France", this is something that's right up my alley (or in this case literally a river) as well. Who the fuck came up with these names I don't know but I wanna thank them. The only drawback was that every disgusting European man over the age of 65 was out enjoying the nice weather in their SPEEDOS. One dude in particular had a THONG SPEEDO. FUCKING GROSS. Anyone wearing one of these things needs to be shot. Okay. Sat-turd-day I saw a biker gang of Satanists, and thought it was unusual but pretty cool nonetheless. Well yesterday coming home I see a BLACK VAN with a PENTAGRAM painted on the back doors. The tour bus I was taking was going slow as fuck as I'm stumbling to get the camera to photograph it, but by the time I was able to turn my camera on and focus it, the van was out of range. I managed to snap a photo anyways but it looks like shit. I think it was the go-fer van for some video firm called "Lee-Entertainment.de" - I tried finding it on both the Yahoo and German Yahoo search engine but to no avail. If someone else can muster up the damn website then more power to yah. I think the Devil is keeping tabs on me or something. I think by now I've had enough German food and culture to choke Kaiser von Wilhelm himself. I need to take a break from going on these stupid tours, college German and just the overall exposure of the area. Methinks I'll go to France for the weekend soon.

The Black Forest

So today I went to the Black Forest to see what the hell all the fuss has been about the place.

Eh. It's pretty nice I suppose.

I admired the countryside and of course the town I went to - TRIBERG - was a complete tourist trap of sorts. They're out to squeeze every last penny outta you that they can and won't even think twice about it. According to the tour guide the Black Forest has been around for thousands of years and was relatively untouched until the Middle Ages. The Romans were scared shitless of the Black Forest originally and thought the place was haunted due to the fog and the fact the trees are black, and didn't bother much with it when they invaded Germany. In reality I figure they saw how densely wooded the place is and figured what a royal pain in the ass it would be to clear the land out for farming and wine making purposes and left it alone. There's plenty of land available for them to live like the fat lazy slobs they were when they were running around kicking everybody's biblical asses.

I took a bunch of pictures of the place I need to Photoshop and put them up here when I get the time - tomorrow I am going on a Rhine River Cruise so it most likely won't happen any time soon.

I did see this one hot chick that bore a striking resemblance to RUCKUS until she removed her sunglasses and I could see her eyes. She was a little bit taller too.

Oh yeah. And I saw a biker gang of Satanists ride through town. No shit. They all had the Baphomet Pentagram on their riding jackets. I didn't catch their gang name since they were going too fast but I was jealous either way. At the same time I was pissed off they weren't riding HARLEY-DAVIDSON MOTORCYCLES - no no no - they were riding shitty Kawasaki motorbikes or something of the sort. I mean COME ON. No self-respecting biker Satanist would be caught dead on anything less than a Harley. Why not ride a BMX dirtbike instead if you can't afford one - at least the people who ride one of those things have the balls to back up riding one of those rice burners. I pointed them out to my mom and she wanted to know if I wanted to join their gang or not. Oh the irony.

We ended up buying some retarded cuckoo clock that she was whining about all week. It's pretty nice too - all handcarved and plays the song "Edelweiss" whenever the annoying bird starts chirping inside. They had an owl clock (an owl was inside the clock instead of a cuckoo and went "hoo-hoo") but she didn't want that one - nobody did most likely. I didn't buy a clock for myself however I did find a lovely wooden box with the German eagle and the word "Deutschland" carved beneath it. When you opened it up, it had a carved inlay of the Black Forest that is extremely detailed. It was just too beautiful to pass up, so I purchased it. I'll take a photograph of it, and will most likely keep my Baphomet necklace inside it when I am not wearing it.

Anycase tomorrow I'm going to be gone all day again. Maybe I can puke on some other snotty tourist during the boat ride.

Love or Power

Which one do you want? On days like today when I am feeling more of my demonic side, I crave power. It's not because I've been doing anything high profile or anything which merits accolades - it's just something that comes like the ebb and flow of the tide. Who knows. I was listening to the AC/DC album HIGH VOLTAGE this morning on my way to work and pretty much the afternoon when I was away from the office. On the cover is what I believe is to be Angus Young, the guitarist that dresses up like a school boy but looks ridiculous instead of being some cult icon. Considering the album was released in the 70's originally I suppose it's freaky for its time but looking at the album art now he looks like a zombie playing a guitar. Or perhaps some dorky retard with Down Syndrome that's constipated. Either way it looks awful. I really didn't get into AC/DC when I was a kid - it wasn't until much later that I began to appreciate the Satanic screechings of Bon Scott before he had his untimely demise. Still, I can admire the subtle nuiances and toilet humor he sings about. BACK IN BLACK is by far the best party album ever. You can put the CD player on repeat and get shit-faced to every song over and over again. But that's besides the point. I figure perhaps the reason why I admire their music is because they've had to fight for every inch of notoriety and respect they've garnished. The first song "It's a long way to the top (if you wanna rock n' roll)" echoes all the bullshit we have to put up with just to stay on top. It's POWER they're after, although you will have to excuse any kind of cheesey references between the two which may immediately come to mind. The same can be said for the line of work I do. It certainly ain't love that I do this job for. Power satiates. It binds. Of course absolute power corrupts absolultely which is why you have so many dictators, politicians and tele-evangelists alike who get a taste of it and go ape-shit. They don't know their limits or how to handle such responsibility. I for one can go my entire existance without love. Hell I've been doing it for the majority of my adult life, but can't do without power from time to time. Not the bullshit that comes from a badge or an emblem on your sleeve but the real deal which comes from within. The power to move. The power to inspire. The power to corrupt. The power to be true yet still decieve. The power that comes from music, art, and the written word. Different from money or anything else material. Different from a show of force by military might or violence. Cerebral. Ephemeral. Feral. Once you get a taste it's something nobody can live without.

Feel the Burn

I love working out at the gym. Pumping iron. Lifting weights. Whatever you wanna call it. It's a great stress reliever and you can check out all the hot chicks that are there doing the same thing. They're wearing practically nothing AND IT'S ENCOURAGED! I love it! Of course you have some of these 400 pound beasts who could double for Oprah Winfrey or Kirstie Alley on a good day, but for the most part it's a meat market without the alcohol or loud shitty music. Yesterday ENRIQUE and I hit the weights hard. Motherfucker. My arms are burning and it's that GOOD BURN too. I fucking love it. It was the first time I've switched over from weight machines to actual free weights in a long time and it's just too awesome. I've been walking around all day today with my arms and chest sore as a Jenna Jameson's ass at a porn shoot. It fucking rocks. One thing that I wonder about is how younger kids today are so GODDAMNED FAT. I mean borderline obesity we're talking here - 19, 20 year olds that look like living Garbage Pail Kids or something - that fucking gross, especially all the fat chicks that try squeezing into those hip-hugger pants but leave it all hanging out instead. It's practically the Speedo for women. Normally I enjoy looking at a woman's figure but when I see some beast sporting a thong that's bulging out of her canyon, I wanna get some of that crack-spackle they talked about on THE MAN SHOW and plug that disgusting thing up or something. I think the military should place stricter standards on these fat-asses with little to no mercy. I used to be a fat-ass myself before I lost 8 inches off my waist so I don't wanna hear it. If I can do it, so can they. I foresee the American public getting fatter within the next 10 - 20 years. It's just plain as day. If I ever have any kids of my own I'm going to make those little fuckers run around like crazy. Sure they can play video games all they want to, but at the very least they're going to join me at the gym and pump iron like their mean old man will be doing. I'll be 60 years old and still in better shape than most people one day. Mark my words.

Hemorrhoids

Well kids the good news about getting more people to work with is that you can spread out the responsibilities more evenly and can start getting back on track to having a normal routine. The bad news is that if they're all a bunch of fuck-wits who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground, you end up babysitting a bunch of nuggets. Or as I would like to refer to them as HEMORRHOIDS. Yes goddammit, THE MACHINE has 3 HEMORRHOIDS he is responsible for and like the real-life hemorrhoids, THEY ARE A CONTINUAL PAIN IN HIS ASS. I won't go into details but I will say that I'd have a better time teaching a rock how to swim than these 3 stooges how to breathe without messing that up. It's like once kids leave the house all common sense (if they had any) goes out the window and YOU have to end up explaining why it is one of these dumb-asses can't manage their finances, pay their bills on time, or why it is they can't keep their pants zipped up or hold their liqour. Fucking Christ it's like having kids of my own practically. I am by no means a role model for people to look up to. The only thing that separates me from most crazy assholes out there is I know the importance of personal responsibility as well as the consequences of my actions. I am not a moral person by any stretch of the imagination. So who has the Preparation H for these fuckers?

Bitche, France

So kids, for once THE MACHINE decided to say "fuck working on the weekend" and do something different for a change. I put down the Playstation controller, got in my car and went to BITCHE, FRANCE. It turns out the French/German border is closer to where I live than previously imagined - within 45 minutes to an hour I can drive there and pick my nose at the rude bastards. I did it yesterday when I dragged my nagging mother whose visiting me out to burn off some of her pent up energy. Old people can be wiley when they've had too much coffee. I discovered this unknown fact this past Friday - when one of my office co-workers hooked me up with one of her friends. This fat German chick with a messed up grill but tits that could feed an army, named Annette. Now as mentioned previously here on the Black Rusted Van, I'll bang chicks of all shapes and sizes and I'll sleep better at night, it don't bother me. Annette is one of these girls that doesn't have much going in the way of looks department but you can throw down beers with her, tell all sorts of raunchy fart and dick jokes and whose hygiene (unlike Kat the Wiccan chick) seems to be pretty decent. So despite the fact she has 1 real strike going against her (that grill of hers - we're talking Austin Powers teeth here), she has 4 things going in her favor (especially them titties - the size of cannonballs!). Ah but enough of her - the way I found my way to Bitche France is that she lives in Zweibrucken which is a stone's throw away. We decided to hook up for dinner and then go walking around afterwards, and when I was driving over there kept seeing signs for Bitche. "Holy shit!" I exclaimed "There's a place called BITCHE?" and sure enough there was. I was told that if I essentially follow the signs I can cross over without so much a problem. It peaked my curiousity and went the very next day. Anycase because we all went out together, Annette and my co-worker Sabine decided to call it an early night, which over here an early night is around 11pm. She gave me a wink like she wants to meet again, but this time not so much on formal terms. I'm thinking the feather, the tube of K-Y, blindfolds, mouth-gag and black leather. And of course whatever she wants to do.

The Wiccan Chick

Eh. The 4th of July weekend happened. I worked. I studied. I took my German mid-term. I didn't do so hot (I ended up getting a C-). Perhaps I shouldn't study so much. Anycase I met this weird Wiccan chick the other day. Her name was Kat and she is 24 years old. This is the second or perhaps third time now I've met some chick with mental issues with that name. As always she had the poor hygiene and low-maintenance apparel. A white wife-beater t-shirt, black bra, cammie cargo pants and some brown long-sleeve shirt with way too many bracelets and ear piercings for her to know what to do with. And it looked like she hadn't brushed her teeth or washed her hair in days. What the fuck izzit with all these Wiccan/Pagan chicks? It's like they're the hippies of our generation or something. They think that by doing this it's supposed to be "cool" or something. On the flip side just about every chick that has claimed to be "Wiccan" or "Pagan" I've been able to bang like a screen door with relative ease. She was taking TOO much an interest when I was talking with her the other day. I merely introduced myself and she did the rest of the talking. So what. I figure tomorrow I'll check up on her tomorrow or something - see if she wants to go out this weekend. Who knows? I might finally get to blow off some much-needed steam for a change.

Stalker-Be-Gone

So I think I took care of the stalker. In not so many words I told her to get lost and to quit bugging the hell outta me. It's been a day and I haven't heard from her so we'll see. Had a REALLY disturbing dream last night. I mean WAY FUCKED UP SHIT. Most people when they have nightmares dream of monsters, demons, or some kind of subconscious fear that manifests itself as they sleep. Not me. I dreamt that I was married to RICKI FUCKING LAKE. JEEZUS GODDAMNED CHRIST. What the fuck. Why can't I have normal fucked-up psychotic dreams? Why can't I dream about the stuff MOST NORMAL people are afraid of? Why? Because I'm not normal for one thing, and I secretly fear ending up like every other asshole on the face of the planet whose stuck with the fat nagging wife, the mini-van payment, screaming goddamned thankless brats who think you're stupid and a total dork, and the male-pattern baldness as a result of it all. FUCK THAT. Perhaps I should make an appointment with a therapist and ask him what it all means. I have no problem banging fat chicks since I've had plenty of good times in the past but something this fucked-up just ain't right. Ricki fucking Lake. Scary.

Stalker

Well shit. I suppose it was about time something like this was going to happen. Yes kids, THE MACHINE has a STALKER. Well. More of a CYBER-STALKER. What the fuck. Someone with the screen name of dorky_white_chik claims to know me and has met me. She claims to be the niece of someone I know and dropped a name that I don't recognize. Usually I'm pretty good with names of people I know and remember the family of friends and acquaintances I know, but I'm seriously drawing a blank on this one. Is it a case of simple mistaken identity? Or is it someone just fucking with me? Could it be OSI or perhaps some law enforcement agency trying to find out who I really am? Or perhaps some moral brigade out to entrap me into some foul kinda shit? I have no idea. What I DO know is that this person found ME out and claims to know me and I cannot honestly remember who the hell she is - if it's even a "she". Chances are it's some lonely pathetic dude pretending to be a chick and is royally fucked up on the inside. That's even worse. Listen kids, THE MACHINE don't pull sick twisted shit like this. I'm not into underage girls, or sick psychotic fuck-o's masquerading as such. I'm a SADIST that's true but that's as far as it goes. My name ain't Michael Jackson OR Gary Glitter. So. Chances are whoever this stalker is reads this blog and will see that I'm onto their sherade and I'm not falling for it. "Dorky_white_chik" can pack "her" shit and hit the road. Go bother some balding 38 year old dork that lives in his mother's basement and collects D&D figurines. Now leave me the fuck alone already. (side note: If any of you assholes know how I can ping Yahoo IM profile names, get with me off line and give me the details. I want to expose this psycho for who they really are.)